Relative

Funny how the smallest thing can make everything seem different. The time changed this morning, I wasn't aware it was going to happen. I woke up very productive- folding clothes, bagging clothes to go to charity, doing laundry, doing dishes (please note there was no studying in that list). D came back from visiting his girlfriend V in Leicester. And then... I turned on my computer and found out it was noon not 11 and suddenly felt lethargic. I wanted to go to the gym and now I do not. I want to sit in my flat and sulk.

I have been feeling very sulky of late. I hope this way and that way and upside of down it's because my period is coming. I haven't had one for a while now. Stupid body. I got a zit the other day which is usually a good sign, but the zit is gone, and the period is not here. But my mood, that is dark, and that's the other good sign usually. Lets just hope it hurries itself along. Because there is nothing I can do about the mood in the meantime.

Last night I was supposed to go out with SA and his sister for dinner and tlsd was maybe going to join, but as it turned out SA was a spunk-bubble and didn't bother getting in touch until well late. I tried calling at one point and he answered only to tell me he'd call back later and 'later' was an hour so by then I'd made dinner and gotten comfortable on the sofa and was damn well not going out. Tlsd never called, so she either thinks I dissed her or didn't care, but I didn't diss her because I was in the process of getting dissed. She and I are supposed to go see a movie today, after I do this I'll see if she's still up for it.

Yesterday after a quick check of something I should have checked ages ago I came to the conclusion that Mr.Ball is seeing someone, and hence his general disappearance. I'm only finding this bewildering because of his absence. After all, he read these blogs from time to time, so knew what I was up to with Mr.Aloof, if he is seeing someone that's great for him, but to cut me out? That's strange. Possibly unpleasant even. And vaguely annoying. I don't like feeling that my friendship was dismissable. Whatever.

Regardless of if I see a movie today or not, I MUST STUDY. This is no joke. Less than two weeks now and I'm flying back and the truth is, I've been shit at studying lately. And this is part of the reason I am so distressed about these exams. My studying has gone to hell. I at least did my studying for the other exams when push came to shove. Well, this time, all the push is there, but I see no shove in return. I'm going to fail. Maybe part of me wants to fail. Maybe I'm tired of studying already. Maybe I'm tired of lots of things.

I keep having really strange dreams that are vivid and surreal. I wake up still in their grip, with memories of things that never happened, wishing that I could be someplace else, be someone else. Strange.