25 February 2008


Monday night at home. What a relief! This weekend I wanted to stay at home and do nothing, but I ended up out and about. Which was okay, because the things I did were not overly taxing and fun and social, but I think I still would have liked to have just sat in my flat and done absolutely nothing.

Today at work I got a delivery of a package of purchases from a Japanese shop. Since I haven't been at home much, I've been craving it, and craving doing some cooking. Of course when I crave cooking, it is usually Asian influenced. So I've been pining for a Japanese omelet pan for ages- and finally decided I had to buy one. So buy one I did. Of course, when you are making a purchase from the Japanese shop, it makes sense to pick up a couple of other things, so I did of course. But what I was most excited about was my pan.

It was smaller than I thought it was going to be. Though it's the perfect size for just me, or for me and one other person. And even if there were more people, I could just make more than one omelet. To make one properly you are supposed to roll it with chopsticks. I attempted this, but it was not easy. Obviously more practice will be needed. The recipe I had also said you are supposed to microwave the mirin- probably to cook the alcohol out of it. But the first one I think I cooked too much because it caramelized. I didn't know mirin could even do that. So lessons all around tonight.

But the best lesson of all was that it was super tasty! And I have the leftovers of my dinner as a yummy little bento box for tomorrow. I've been bringing my lunch more frequently lately to work. I suppose this is good for me. I don't really mind when it's a bento box. It just takes effort to put together that I don't always have.

In other news, there's a get together of people tomorrow night. Wednesday night I should be home. Thursday night I have tentative plans to meet up with the other couple, and Friday some of us are going to Rasa for some delicious Indian food. Then this weekend I have plans on Sunday- and I may or may not have plans on Saturday as well. I can't remember. No rest for the wicked!

19 February 2008

In Like a Lion

It's not March yet but it might as well be. My schedule is going at record pace and shows no signs of letting up. I don't think I've had this busy a social life since my third year at college. Seriously.

When it rains it pours.

Tomorrow I have a consultation for work. But then Thursday and Friday are for the moment free. Though Mr.Aloof has suggested he wants to meet up. And if he doesn't, the other couple are also looking for some of my time. Though I prioritize Mr.Aloof over the other couple. Probably I shouldn't. They're more a 'real thing' than he is. But he and I have the history... and the emotional attachment. Alas.

I still have bruises on my breast from last Mondays visit with the other couple. Mostly yellow but one was fairly deep, it still has tinges of purple to it. Since it's been what now... almost ten weeks since Mr.Aloof and I have had any sort of intimate interactions... in fact, we haven't had any intimate interactions since I've taken up with the other couple. He hasn't had to deal with the physical proof face to face yet. Perhaps he still won't have to. We'll see. But I imagine it's going to come up eventually. I know he won't like it, and I also know that he'll struggle to deal with it because it's unreasonable for him to do anything else. Still, I don't enjoy the whole distress factor. If he's upset, even if he doesn't have any right to be, it upsets me as well.

Anyway. Work continues. Life goes on. Busy as all get out. Need to nip off to bed so I can get to the gym tomorrow morning. I didn't make it this morning- I had really strange dreams and woke up exhausted. But I did walk to work in penance. Tomorrow however, it's the gym!

14 February 2008


Well this has been one crazy week. When did I last write? On Sunday morning? Well. Lets start with Sunday's excitement. On my way to meet some people out, I stopped to get some cash, only to find that while I could look at my balance, I could not withdraw money. Of course I was in transit, so I couldn't stop to sort out this situation, I decided instead to sort it out on the bus. This took speaking to four different departments at the bank- each on needing my account information and my security information until I finally got to someone who could tell me that my account had been struck by fraudsters- my card and pin had been copied somehow and withdrawals had been made from my account in Trinidad and Tobago.

This meant my debit card was canceled and I had to get a new one. I thought it would be okay because I figured I'd use my credit card. Of course I forgot that you need to know the pin to your credit card, which I didn't. So when it came time to pay for my hot chocolate and books, I ended up having to use my American credit card which sort of sucked. But luckily Monday morning I went to my local branch with my passport and just took out a bunch of cash to see me through the week.

Monday night I met up with the other couple. That was lots of fun. A bit strange perhaps, as she decided she was tired after we watched Sweeny Todd and went to bed, telling us to have fun in the lounge. And have fun we did- until about 2:30 in the morning on a school night! I took a taxi home and I think hit my pillow at ten past three. My thighs muscles were sore for two days from that work-out. I really never thought I'd reach the point where I would turn down yet another orgasm. Who knew?

We also had an interesting conversation about how men like their balls played with. And this particular man likes the skin of his sac pulled, and hard. Now he insisted that this was a common enjoyment of men, but an informal poll of two of my friends with high numbers and my gay friend revealed no one else has met anyone who wanted their ball sac pulled firmly on. Interesting.

Tuesday night I met up with a friend at my local pub and we played a couple of games of scrabble which was a lot of fun. In the second game, I was losing badly so decided to entertain myself with the use of such words as 'moist', 'wang', 'hard', and 'quim'. The last scoring big points on a triple word score.

Wednesday I went out to dinner with the afore mentioned group of ball sack opinion sharers where I think we possibly offended the waitstaff. But that's okay, because the food was not the best local example I've ever had, and I don't think I'll be rushing back anytime soon. I also managed to finally get rid of my air mattress which was taking up space in my closet. So that was good.

Which brings us to tonight- Valentines Day. Strange to think last year I had a Valentine. Not that I particularly care. Last year was the first year I ever had a Valentine. So this way is more typical anyway. I met up with a friend from Manchester who was in for the day for an extended 2 hour lunch in Islington which was super yummy. I'll be seeing her again in a month when I go to Manchester for her wedding. So it was nice to get some one on one time, since after the wedding she's off to South Africa to do medical research for a year.

And tomorrow is Friday. I am meeting Mr.Aloof in town to go see this Japanese film I won some tickets to and to get some dinner. I'm really looking forward to this because I was very excited to win tickets to something, and Mr.Aloof is the person I know who likes Japanese things possibly more than I do. Not to mention we haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks, so it'll be nice just to see him as well.

I'm planning on doing not very much this weekend except perhaps a lot of laundry. Speaking of which, I have a load in now that I need to take out and hang up. Total madness around here. When it rains it pours!

10 February 2008

Musing on Dominance and Submission

There hasn't been too much of interest going on in my sex life recently, so no pornalong posts. (Though I'm meeting the other couple tomorrow, so not quite so sad around here). But it's not something that's ever very far from my thoughts, and I do spend a lot of time reading other people's kink blogs which I find interesting or inspiring or though provoking. And while I may not actually be meeting up with people, there are always conversations and suggestions and innuendos going on which tap into my own thoughts about my own desires and situation.

So first let me start by saying I've come to realize something very interesting about dominance and those who express that they are dominant. Because dominance is not an inclination that I have myself, it has always been something of a mystery as to where the motivation really comes from, or how someone can be so motivated to do such things. I can understand completely how someone wants to be on the receiving end of such things, but frankly, doing all the dominating seems just like an awful lot of hard work to me, and not much fun at all.

But I've come to terms with that really, even though it's not my inclination, I have talked to enough people that I can understand it. But I have been more interested lately in what the personality trait is that leads one to dominance. And I think I have come across three main generators of a position of dominance and I know to which one I am drawn to. The first is arrogance. That someone is so confident of themselves, and their ability, and what they (think they) can do that they exude the mentality that whatever they want or desire they should or could have, and they go about advertising for exactly what they want. Of course there's a very fine line between confidence and arrogance, and true arrogance is often founded in insecurity, so I'll come back to that, but lets just say that type one is a super confident person and they desire it therefor it is.

Dominant type two is what I consider the alpha. I'm trying to stay gender neutral here, though I recognize in my thoughts this is pretty much male-based and I haven't spent significant time applying my types to a female stereotype, but I'll still try to keep gender out of it. Anyway, an alpha may not want to be an alpha, they just gravitate towards that role and assume it as a matter of course. This is different from type one, as an alpha may or may not have arrogance depending on how they have managed their alpha abilities. Still, this type doesn't necessarily have to work very hard at being dominant, they just are dominant. And recognizing it, and what they want, gets them a long way towards achieving it.

Dominant type three is insecure. That the attraction to being dominant is to compensate for personal issues. And I think this is more common than I'd care for it to be and can take many forms. First, that someone might be so unsure of themselves, that they can't imagine that anyone would want to be with them as they are, so they imagine that their partner doesn't really have a choice, they don't have to address their insecurities. Or, the type is actually shy or non-dominant/alpha/aggressive in their personal life and again it's something they are insecure about, so in their sexual fantasies and desires they are opposite of the thing that they don't like in themselves. Or, they are afraid of intimacy and having a partner, so the draw to dominance is to control any accidents or unforeseen circumstances which means they don't have to worry about intimacy because they can control how it happens.

As for me, I find my attraction is solely focused on the alpha type. The other two tend to leave me cold and worse, aggressive. I can get on board with a true alpha. I will fall happily into a supporting role. Because in many aspects of my life I recognize that my strength is in my ability to make things happen for other people. I've never had the desire or inclination to particularly lead the charge, but I will, I can, and I have if I feel I need to. I just don't really prefer to. I understand where I work best.

Which leads to some other thoughts this week on how my submission works. I think I sit on loads of energy and activity and motivation and impulse because I find it fairly boring to do things for myself. Or I guess, I find it hard to find the motivation to do things just for myself. But the motivation or energy I can muster to do something for someone else, is huge.

I was thinking about this because of some conversation with Mr.Aloof and also in the consideration of how we have not worked out in a relationship term and yet in a sexual connection term we click very well. And so to do this I have examined both my personality and his personality. I think what draws me to him is that he just comes out with all of these ideas. He mentions activities or possible scenarios or situations and I find I am instantly and suddenly on board. And it's not that these things are always sexual. He talks about wanting to drop everything and travel to Japan and I think, "Yes, I could get that organized and could drop everything and go to Japan and what fun it would be!". For me it's like... having someone else provide a focus, and then I can expand into it. Of course, the problem with Mr.Aloof is he is drawn to sloth. I think my energy and ability actually frightens him. "What, you mean these things actually really could happen and now there's some sort of expectation beyond idle fantasy? Eek!". The only people Mr.Aloof has been in love with, that I know of, have been people who do nothing for him. His flaw is to be attracted to the very personality that will ensure he never achieves what it is he says he wants. But if I had to classify him, he's a damaged alpha. Because he has so many of the traits of an alpha, he's just got other issues that complicates his ability to succeed.

Which of course begs the question of what am I doing then spending any time with him at all. I guess it's impossible not to have the thought far, far down in the psyche that maybe he'll realize all of this some day. But it's not that I believe that. It's just that I come across so many dominants who just.... aren't dominant in the way I need my partner to be. I need someone who appreciates, can tap into, and can control my energy. In that way I can be the best that I can be- for someone else. And hopefully they get what they need back in return (and here we are back to the question of why oh why would anyone want that sort of responsibility or to be dominant?).

Anyway. That's my thoughts for the day.

06 February 2008

A Slight Chill

I've been wondering for a while now if I should turn my heating up. The weather turned a bit cold again recently and I've noticed, particularly at night when going to bed or even when getting up in the morning that it's been just a little bit more chilly than what I would like, even though I like it cold.

So when I got home today, and I was again struck by just how chilly it was in my flat, and I remembered that I keep thinking about turning it up a notch, so I went over to check the thermostat to see where it was at and raise it up a notch.

Which is when I realized that the heating has been completely turned off for who knows how long. Which means it has probably been turned off for some time now. How strange is that??

Still Kicking

Just been incredibly busy. Had a party at my place this weekend so want to put up an image or two from that but they are currently on my work computer. Am trying to get my thug-shot from the previous party to share as well- no worries! And basically I've been running around meeting people and interviewing folks and working and stuff. Not even time for knitting! So I will do a proper update sometime soon. But maybe this weekend. When I'm also running around doing loads of stuff. But at least it's all good things!