Melancholy

This is the word that would sum up my recent feelings.

Yesterday I contemplated for longer than was probably healthy what will happen when my mother dies. If I still live here. How without siblings or close relatives I will be forced to handle all the necessities on my own. My mother was one year younger than me when her father died. Then I forced myself to stop thinking about it, because it wasn't a nice thing to think about at all.

I have been trying to manage my feelings of loss in regards to Mr.Aloof. I want an email from him, but he won't email me anytime soon. I want to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer the phone. I want to see him, but he won't meet with me. I still want to sleep with him, well, if I can't get all the rest, that ain't never going to happen. I feel sadness for the loss of things I never even had to begin with. How ridiculous.

Last night people from work went out and I did not feel social. I tried to be social, which worked alright while we still had drinks at the office. But when the crowd moved from the office to the Wellington, every step I took I dreaded. While walking there in our scattered group, everyone was talking to someone but me. It would have been hard to feel more left out. When I got to the pub, it was crowded, and the group already arrived was in a tight circle and I just didn't have the interest or energy to push in. I thought if I made myself go to the pub I would be able to be social, but I couldn't make myself do it, so I turned around and left.

I've started up with my new personals ads. Perhaps not the best time? But I need something else to move forward on. I can't keep wishing that the present or the past were different from what it was. That isn't going to get me anywhere.

Tomorrow I will try to go to the gym in the morning and pick up a couple things at the grocery store and then I plan to shut myself into my house and not speak to or see anyone in particular. I will of course, speak to people. But I think I will enjoy being alone.