29 March 2008

Today Out

Well, just a morning laze about until I need to hop in the shower to spend the day with my friend A. We're meeting for lunch at Carnegie Deli and then taking it from there. I haven't been very motivated to do very much the past couple days. My mom wants to go to museums and go shopping and I've been rather noncommittal on the whole thing. At the moment I am enjoying being a sloth.

But today that will change and perhaps it will jump start my week. See, I don't know where last week went at all. I was supposed to write an article or two but somehow convinced myself it was still the week before. It's like I've lost an entire seven days without realizing it.

And now I'm looking around for a suitable artist. I have one but it's only four images so I'm not that keen. And I was hoping to write about a gallery here, but the owner won't come down from upstate to show it to me, so I nixed that. And all of this is on 'stolen' internet which occasionally goes out on me, but I'm not really complaining because it's free internet. Hooray!

Speaking of which, I love the names people have for their networks. I rather like the name I have for my own home network, but I've hidden it to the point where you have to know the name in order to even see it on an 'available network search' so I can't tell it to you. But really, some of the one's around my mom's house are hilarious.

Anyway, since I've been sitting on the couch mostly, there isn't loads to tell. I've been having a million conversations with Mr.Aloof in my head. Well, not really conversations, more like telling him what I think about him. As if I were composing a letter or a diatribe. It would be pointless to actually send something so hurtful and exposing, but I may write it down to get it out of my system. No reply to either of my emails to him or toy, which is just as well. It gives me the time to refocus on how I want things to be from here out. And to really stick into my head how I do not like the person that he is.

In related news, and perhaps because it's spring, I've had about a million unsolicited emails on IC recently. Okay, not a million, but a lot. But fucking hell men are completely retarded when it comes to conversation. Or paying attention. I'm not sure even one of the people who has contacted me is worth continuing to talk to. One might just be, maybe. But the others are pretty much a resounding 'no'.

I mean, if you are going to meet people online, then you really need to be able to think beyond the step of 'Hi, I thought your profile looked interesting do you like mine?". If I say yes, then for fucks sake have something else to say! And it's not my fucking job to make all the conversation. If I ask you questions, don't you dare say 'and how about you answer the same' without adding anything new. Because then what if I did, okay, I answer the exact same questions I asked you.... and then what? Do I need to come up with all the new conversation topics again?? Seriously. I hate people sometimes and their ineptitude. It is not rocket science. It's social graces. As in, please get some.

Anyway. I need to unstick my ass from this sofa and get a move on for the day. At least it looks utterly brilliant and blue skied outside. And it will be good to see A because she has a long standing man problem and I'm sure we will lend each other some good friend support in our similar but unrelated relationship woes. It's always good to get some backup. Just me and the big bad city today. Woo hoo!

28 March 2008

Role Reversal

At the end of my first year of college, I had gone out drinking with the goal of 'getting drunk'. I did manage to do that, but was supposed to move out of my dorm room the next day. And I felt horrible. Completely hung over I felt entirely nauseous and ill. After we moved all of my stuff into the local storage unit I finally let it slip about my drinking the night before and my mom said what I really needed was some food and some water and I would feel a lot better. And it turns out, that was exactly correct.

Well last night she and I went out to dinner with this couple who used to live next door and had come to London a while back and who I'd gone out with a bunch. First we went over to their place and had a drink which was nice. C made us dirty martinis which probably had about three shots of vodka each. Then we headed across the street to a Japanese place and the four of us downed three large bottles of sake. Well, during this time I probably drank three or four large glasses of water as well. I felt a light buzz, but I didn't feel drunk. Got home around eleven and went to bed.

This morning, my mother feels sick. Asks if I feel sick and is wondering if it's something we ate. I feel fine. Then I think about it. She doesn't really drink enough water, and she had all that alcohol which she probably doesn't drink that often. So I told her she was hung over. She's been in bed all morning now and isn't convinced it's the alcohol but I am. I told her to keep drinking water and try and have some toast and that she'd probably feel a little bit better.

27 March 2008

The Psychosis of Letting Go

What I should have done was not replied to toy's email.

But I did.

And she wrote back to me again.

And she probably said something to Mr.Aloof because I got an email from him as well. Not saying he knew we were talking, but coincidence? Likely not.

The entire train ride I was trying to process the whole letting go thing. Listening to angry/sad music. Steeling my heart. Trying to make things that are 'present' in my mind into 'past tense'.

And then I had emails.

And what did I do?

I wrote back.

I'm like a fucking trained monkey. I can't not write back. It would be rude.

On the other hand, I wasn't overly chatty with Mr.Aloof. But should I punish toy by not replying to her? Or making her wait? To be fair, it took her three months to reply to my original email. Still... it's not in my nature to be what I perceive as a bitch. Or callous. Or rude. If someone writes to me in a friendly and interested manor, it's hard for me to not reply in kind, even if they have just before been exhibiting bad behavior.

This is going to be a long and ugly slog.

26 March 2008

Particularly Personal

I have avoided for some time talking about relationship things here in any detail. Mostly because I find them confusing. Or to be more accurate, I find the relationships I have managed to get myself in to be confusing.

Not the other couple really. They are truly serving their purpose as a distraction only and a non-emotional entanglement. And that is a good thing.

See, even now I'm avoiding being direct. It's Mr.Aloof. It's how I feel about Mr.Aloof and what I need to do about it.

We had a bit of a tiff again recently, as we always do. And I got frustrated and annoyed, as I always do. And now we aren't talking, which is also not particularly abnormal though I suppose my lack of talking to him is, but I doubt he realizes it since he spends long stretches not talking to me.

I've tried to keep it all under control and to be sensible about how I feel, which never works. And I had an email conversation with S before I left which I have saved because I thought it was a very succinct description of how our relationship and personalities have interacted and how it is not going to change and how it is not healthy.

I wish that Mr.Aloof followed through on the things he said to me. I wish that he was trustworthy in that, when he suggests something or says something, he keeps to his word. But he's not. And he also doesn't really care about anyone else's feelings. Not in a conscious way, but in a purely selfish and unconscious way. And S even pointed out to me that his relationship, which I would never in a million years consider a healthy relationship or anything resembling a 'partnership' is actually probably appropriate because she is as selfish and self centered as he is and so as much as they care about each other, they don't really. And neither one minds when the other is absentee because they are too absorbed in themselves.

I'm detouring. What's important in all of this is that I am trying to hold onto the conclusion that Mr.Aloof, for as much wonderful and exciting and exhilarating and creative potential that he represents, is not, and cannot be that person in real life. And the person I am attracted to, and I will even go as far as to say the person I love is a person who doesn't really exist. I love what I see he could be, but I don't really like who he is. And I keep holding on hoping that he'll see his own potential one day too. Or at least follow through and be what I would consider a better person.

And this is a fruitless pursuit.

I need to ease myself from the grasp of this attraction.

I can't say that I can cut him out of my life. Because I know I cannot do this. And I don't like to say things that I know at the outset is a lie. But I do need to distance myself from him. From his life. From what he says that he offers but never delivers. I need to move on.

And even this is hard. Even in this commentary I wonder if I can hold true to what I am saying- because I am someone who holds to my word and does exactly what I say I will do. And I know I need to do this. And it is my current intention to try and do this. But it's hard.

I got an email from toy today. First time she has ever written to me. Right when I am trying to do this (not that she would know anything about it). And it was on Facebook and I looked at her profile and saw that it listed her as 'engaged' and I immediately got cross that he's never mentioned to me that they're engaged. My emotions surged. And I realized I need to let it go.

Let it go.
Let it go.
Let it go.

It doesn't matter to me. I need to let it go.

It's hard though.

24 March 2008

Homesick or Not?

The verdict is pending.

When I flew in to New York late Thursday night and only got up in the morning long enough to eat some breakfast and head to the train station, sitting on the subway and looking at the people around me I had a strange sensation. A feeling I haven't felt before or at least for a very long time. And I believe that sensation was one of homesickness. That was surprising. Usually I cringe at hearing American voices yammering around me, but this time I welcomed it. It was comforting. Relaxing. Normal.

And I thought 'holy shit' because what does that mean??

Then I took the train to DC. And here I have been ferried around in cars, in the land of cars and plastic houses and highways and strip malls. And I have no sense whatsoever of that fleeting feeling that I had Thursday morning. I look around at houses for rent and houses for sale and think I would have to shoot myself right in the head if I had to live in a place like this. So... soulless and empty and vacant.

So do I feel better or worse for this revelation?

I'm back to NY on Wednesday so I'll see if that other feeling returns.

I know it's all about the five year thing. I've now been in London the longest I've been in any place since I was 18. I'm feeling anxious and itchy and like I need to move on. But not really. I'm just not sure.

I need to get my citizenship sorted in October and then I can think about these things more seriously. I own a house for gods sake. But I could rent that. Easily.

Maybe it's just spring. The season of new beginnings. All I know is that I have this building sense of urgency that I need to do something different or extend myself or take a turn. I think about it frequently. I consider various options and opportunities. Most of which are dependent on my having two passports. So it's all about waiting.

I need to wait.

It would be so strange to move back to the States.

And in other news, when I get back to London, I need to look into getting my wisdom teeth taken out finally. Went to the dentist today who said I have two wisdom teeth cavities and really they should just all be removed. But I think I can get that covered in the UK- or they'll do the fillings. Just what I want. More surgery. Yay! At least my teeth are really clean though (and the rest were generally okay).

23 March 2008

Tiny Spheres of Influence and Belonging

Hello, and welcome to the internet.

I just made a comment on someones private blog which perhaps I shouldn't have, but I thought she was getting a bit sanctimonious and starting up a bit of stone throwing which needed a bit of a check. It's not that she doesn't have the right to say whatever she wants on her blog, but occasionally when one rants on about 'other people' sometime it's important to look at oneself.

On IC there's been a bit of a hubbub about someone making a post that alludes to someone else doing something wrong but IC has a non naming and shaming policy so it can only be alluded to and not said outright. Of course, being the every so small world of the 'popular people' that IC is, all the regulars came out posting about this post (by a once popular poster who has been gone for a while) and a couple just couldn't stop themselves from saying 'I think I know who it is.' or the offender in question whose private blog I wrote on who said 'I do know who it is.' and all the while these folks are criticizing that she almost named and shamed while they jumped right into the game themselves.

See, I think IC is a funny little place. Because there are thousands of daily readers. Thousands. Now some I've met they don't really read the blogs, they use only the personals. But still, thousands. And the regular popular posters? A couple handfuls at best. If I said 50 I think I'd be generous. And it's funny how this small group of people seem to think that because they are the only ones talking to each other, that they are the only ones there. They seem to forget they are performing on a stage.

And really that's a huge part of the attraction. The exhibitionist quality. The recognition. I spoke to someone once who said something along the lines of they wanted to be 'recognized' and I thought to myself 'why??'. Because while a very small number of the recognized are because they might write very well or are interesting or insightful. The rest are pretty much known for being hot headed, mouthy, laughable, rude, and somewhat pathetic sycophants. This is not an association I would care to have, and sadly, it quickly becomes what happens even when people start with good intentions, because they tend to descend into slagging matches with someone else and then no one comes out looking very pretty.

I used to care how many people read this blog, not that I don't care, but I used to care more. But then I had to remember why I write a blog. Because I used to journal. I was an avid journal writer and still do it occasionally, but this has become my preferred medium. And while I like the attention of an audience, I don't need the attention of an audience, because in truth this was only ever a place for me. If it wasn't, I would write more by way of reviews or bdsm content, or for that matter I'd comment more on other people's blogs and pick fights with them which would lead them to my blog and it would all become 'popular'.

Who cares?

I've been on the internet a long time. I remember ftp sites and green screens and newsgroups and all sorts of pre-modern-internet things. And I'm slightly over it. I put it in perspective. I don't live here. I have a life. A pretty full one which I (for the most part) enjoy. And I like to read what people have to say that they keep from saying in person. I like to see images that people post. I like to read insightful comments about subjects I find interesting. I like to find out about new products or innovations. But I'm happy to stay 'in the shadows' for the most part. I'm happy to have a presence here, in my space, which is read by a small group of people who funny enough almost never comment though I know when they visit. And that's fine with me.

These little worlds that seem so all important... they're not really.

Now go outside and play.

19 March 2008

Homeward Bound

Well, almost. Not quite yet. But it's under the 24 hour mark. Lots of madness going on here. Mushrooms growing out of ceilings. Relationships faltering and disintegrating. Packing not quite happening, but of course will be done before I go.

I'm looking forward to being home. Seeing my family. Eating lots of sushi. Having a break from it all. I'm going to miss it here. I always tend to miss my home when I'm gone for too long. At least it's not like last year which was an entire month. And what ended up being the best month weather-wise of the entire summer believe it or not. At least I feel fairly certain that won't happen this time. Though it is likely that I will leave with some trees in the square still bare and return to full foliage. That always seems to happen during my Easter trip.

I just need to get through this flight. And then the one after. I hate flying. If there was some other convenient and safe way to travel, I would surely be taking it.

When I return from this trip, and all of my immediate travels are over, aside from working towards getting my drivers license, I am going to gear up for the big relationship game again. I've had other things to deal with and other distractions, but I think I'm prepared to give it another go.

16 March 2008

Two Weddings Down

I'm back from Manchester. That was a lovely wedding. Truly.

C and I have been friends since we were 18. We've kept in touch over the many years, sometimes more than others. And saw each other every few years or so. It's strange to think I've known her for so long. And I know about all of these people in her life, as she has many friends from many different places. And we all hear about each other but we are pretty much all never in one large group together.

When her dad gave the father of the bride speech, he read a quote from an email from a friend of hers in regards to her hen night which was something along the lines of, "You are truly blessed with a lovely and diverse circle of friends.". And having seen them all in one large space, I have to say I agree completely.

I was a bit nervous because I was also going to see E who I had a bit of an obsession/problem with many years ago. I believe our interaction ended with a 4am texting fight and him saying 'have a nice life.'. But even that went alright. We spoke pleasantly and in fact I spoke with all of that circle of C's friends (who I hadn't really spoken to since the same time period). And everyone was really lovely and nice and friendly and it was just fine. So that was good.

And I caught up with some other friends of C's who I have always liked and gotten along with and never see often, and that was great.

The boutique hotel was pretty extravagant but really nice. Huge comfortable bed with a large feather duvet and feather pillows and a huge deep bath and really nice free products. I enjoyed that bit of relaxation. I think I needed it. I can already tell I'm getting horribly stressed about leaving on Thursday for NY. So much to do.... it's really just maddening.

But it will be nice to be back home as well. Lots of people I saw this weekend who I hadn't seen for a while all commented on how my accent had 'softened'. So I think it's time for a cultural injection.

And to keep up with other stories, I"m still not settled emotionally. Still depressed. But the weekend was a reasonably good distraction for a large part of it. Still... maybe it's the flights coming up (the flights to and from Italy really didn't make me look forward to the next set) or maybe it's just the stress of being with my family.

Or maybe it's that so many people I know are wrapped up about talking about or dealing with relationship issues, that it makes me think about my own and that's never a good thing for me to focus on for any extended length of time.

Anyway. I need to go unpack and start thinking about what I need to take on Thursday. The ever delicate balance of just enough clothes to get by with the assumption that I'm going shopping.

Hell yeah.

13 March 2008

Still Wobbling

I need to get packing for this wedding. I can't believe the week has come and gone and I'm off again tomorrow. Having found the invitation, the wedding isn't until 3 and I think I'm going to hole up in the hotel Saturday morning and have a book and some puzzles and just zone out. I thought about bringing my computer but even though I'm staying in a luxury hotel, they want to charge for Internet. So screw that. I'll go without. But it will be nice to just luxuriate in a luxury hotel with a television and high thread count sheets before getting all dressed up for the big event.

Of course next week is even worse because I come back Sunday and then I'm off to the states Thursday night. So it's no time at all. I've taken to doing my laundry in the morning before I go to the gym so I can hang it up before I leave for work. It's working out so far, but I still have laundry yet to do. So much left to do. The mind boggles.

And speaking of the mind, I'm still not feeling mentally great. Still depressed. Having a bit of cyclical thinking which is never productive. Intermittently I feel like I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. To me this is a sure sign of lingering depression. Though it's still not particularly focused. I think this is just going to be a strange year. I almost feel like saying it seems like it's going to be a waste of a year. Maybe this is part of the problem. But I need to get through it. I need to get my visa/citizenship stuff sorted out. And then I feel like I can examine the rest of my life. I guess I'm just not at all certain that I'm satisfied at the moment. I mean... I am satisfied. With so many things that maybe I just want to shake it all up because I think I'm too satisfied. I have no idea. All I know is I feel a bit miserable. And this is a problem.

Anyway. I really need to go pack.

10 March 2008

One Wedding Down

Back from Italy. It was pretty good. That was in spite of the fact that the flight there had some bad turbulence, and it proceeded to rain and be chilly when that hadn't been what the weather had predicted. Still, Bologna was pretty interesting, and not a bad place to be if it's raining as the city is known for it's covered pavements.

Plus there was some excellent shopping opportunities, and what better to do in the rain? So that was fun.

The wedding itself was nice. Very cute and very much in keeping with the couple for whom it was for. There were things I wouldn't have done that way. In fact, there were many things I probably wouldn't have done that way- if it was my wedding. But it wasn't my wedding, it was their wedding, and it was absolutely and perfectly them. And they were also so completely blissfully happy with each other that it was difficult not to find that sort of joy infectious. Even with the couple stray wobbles.

The flight back wasn't nearly as eventful, and it was good to be home, even though I came home to loads more rain and cold. And work is somewhat busy, which is a bit stressful because I'm off to Manchester for wedding number two next weekend which is going to be a night and day difference from the one I just went to. This one will be more traditional, and also large- around 150 people as opposed to this past weekend's 20. I'll also come face to face with an old infatuation of mine whom I haven't spoken to in around four years now. It doesn't really bother me in the sense that, the infatuation is long gone. But it's still a somewhat embarrassing incident from the past. Hopefully we can both just be adults about it and it won't be an issue of any kind. Still, that first moment will just be a little bit strange. But I suppose that's to be expected.

In other news, I think I'm a bit depressed at the moment. Can't quite put my finger on it, though I know how my thoughts are swirling about. Still, it's hard to say if that's a result of my being depressed or actually the reason for it. Since I can't figure it out quite yet, I don't really feel like talking about it either.

In fact, I find I'm not too much in the mood to talk about many things at the moment. Withdrawing for me is always a sign of depression.

Anyway. I have one paragraph to go on my next article. It's slightly challenging but I want to finish it before I go to bed.

06 March 2008

March Madness Begins

I'm off to Italy in a few hours. Work is busy. Life is busy. Next weekend Manchester, and after that the States. I always knew March was going to be manic, but it was alwasy something in my futre. Now it's here!

Still, I should have great fun doing all the things I'm off to do. I'm looking forward to getting out of the country for a while. And it's always nice to attend a wedding (or two) where you are so pleased that the couple got together. Or even better, knew one of the couple before they even were a couple.

It's going to be fun-tastic. Hooray!

02 March 2008

Alternate Streams

I've been thinking a lot lately about chance and fate. About choices or circumstances that lead to one set of decisions whereas if something different had happened, an entirely different set of outcomes may have happened. I think in part I've been thinking about this because I've been thinking that while there are many things I would prefer to be different about my life, I'm actually fairly happy or at least pretty content at the moment. And I'm happy that I've gotten to experience a certain number of things in life. But what if it had all been different?

In particular I think that a large portion of my life direction hinges on the death of my Aunt. If she hadn't died, I think it would have been extremely likely that instead of going to Wash U, I would have ended up at U Mich. If I hadn't gone to Wash U, all sorts of things wouldn't have happened. People I wouldn't have met. Experiences I wouldn't have had. And I don't think I would have ended up here in London. I would have met an entirely different set of people. I would have gotten a lot closer to my family. Maybe I would have met someone. Maybe I would have stayed. Everything would be different.

But that's not what happened. And I wonder what it would have been like. I wish I had a mirror or movie that shows how it could have been. How things could have been different. How life would have been different. But the reality is, my Aunt did die, and while both schools were offering me a similar package, I liked Wash U better, and there was no reason to go to Michigan. There wasn't anything else there for me.

Almost nine years later, it's a funny sort of thing to think about.