Limbo

All day yesterday I kept thinking that it was Thursday when in fact, it was Wednesday. Now so far today, I keep thinking that it is Wednesday, instead of in fact, Thursday.

This mild confusion is a good representation of my current mental state. There seem to be a few things that are 'up in the air' and I need to 'wait and see' about which causes me no shortage of distress. Not to mention that I am, as usual, very busy at work and so this is hugely adding to my stress at the moment, the amount of things I need to do.

Especially since it is actually Thursday and not Wednesday as I keep thinking.

Yesterday morning I had a doctor's appointment. This was a follow up to my scan that I had before I left for my trip home with the urologist who did not believe that I had kidney stones. So I had to wait for an appointment so they could tell me what the scan said and what they were going to do about it. As it turns out, they do not believe I had kidney stones. The scan showed no evidence of stones in either kidney. The scan did however show a 'large' cyst on my left ovary which is the same side I had the horrific pain on both times. So I have been discharged from urology and now away an appointment with gynecology so they can give me an ultrasound and see just what's going on in there.

Now I'm trying not to think about this much at all, because I just don't know enough to either be upset about it or not upset about it. Given that the cyst is 'large', it does seem likely that there is a good possibility it may need to be removed. But that doesn't mean it's life threatening or that I would necessarily lose my ovary. So really I just need to wait for this appointment and new scan and get more information before I know how to react to this new information. It is, however, a tad disconcerting to know you have some growth in you. And if it has been the cause of the pain I had both this past year and the year before, then that's also a bit troubling only that it didn't get picked up any sooner. Sometimes socialized health care sucks.

The other thing I am generally waiting on is that tomorrow is my annual review. I've not yet received my form from my line manager so my review may be postponed since you are supposed to get that back a couple of days before your review so you can respond to it in your form. So I don't know what exactly is going to happen there, but my form is otherwise filled out and I'm not pulling any punches about my dissatisfaction with my current employment. Which should be interesting. But again, I just have to wait. And possibly longer than a day.

D&V are also moving out at the end of this month, and there is lingering confusion as to what is happening with SH and whether or not she can be moving sooner rather than later. This means that my financial situation is going to dramatically shift and I'm not really looking forward to that, though I will admit to looking forward a bit to having my place to myself. Still, I can't completely afford to have my place to myself, not and enjoy my life. So that's also an unknown thing that is sort of hovering in the background.

Guess I should just put my head down and work.

End of the Weekend

Well, that didn't exactly go as expected.

The weather this weekend was complete shit. I don't mean a little bit shit, I mean total and utter shit. Which really made 'doing anything' rather less than exciting as a prospect. However, I did manage to go out for a couple of meals and do some shopping. But really I stayed much at home while the temperature dropped and it rained and rained.

I did do some lovely cooking, and tlsd and I used the excuse of shit weather to hang out and watch loads of Alias season 5, which was cool. I also knit one of the replacement gloves I'm making for SP since she lost the original set I made for her. Started the second but now I'm worried I'm going to run out of yarn. That would suck.

At least this week is another short week at work. Made shorter by my having a doctors appointment on Wednesday for my mysterious illness. I also have my annual review on Friday which I've spent a good part of today filling out my review sheet for. That should be interesting, all things considered.

So really... I'm already looking forward to next weekend. Fuck that's sad.

Start of the Weekend

Well, the weather isn't really cooperating with the whole three day weekend sort of thing. Today is decidedly less than sunny and nice. And the news is, it's only supposed to get worse from here. How unfortunate.

Well, the official word is in- I did fail my Site Planning exam. But the good news is that I passed Building Technology and Building Planning! So while I did fail one test, it's now the only thing I have left to complete. I am also relieved but also annoyed to note that it only flagged one of the three problems as my reason for failure, and not even because I was below minimum competence. This sort of pisses me off- it means I failed for some obscure and probably stupid reason, not because I actually did anything particularly wrong. I'm tempted to write a letter of complaint, but I know it won't make any difference. Still, I'd like to register a formal complaint because I feel that these exams can be so ridiculously arbitrary. And it looks like I didn't really fail, but I failed anyway? How is that fair? It's the whole lack of feedback thing. Annoying.

Last night I had a very disturbing dream that I was on an airplane that crashed. I'm not entirely sure what made me dream about airplanes- perhaps that I have just booked a ticket to see my friend in Berlin in a few weeks. Or even that there were some on a program I was watching on television yesterday. Still, I don't really like dreaming about my worst fear coming true. And it was rather horrific. Air masks coming down and then cabin pressure changing and then the plane just lurched forward and started to plummet. That's when I woke up. Really. No call for this sort of thing whatsoever. And of course now I'm going to worry that it's some sort of premonition. FFS.

I've been to the gym this morning for an intensive weekend session. I'm thinking of heading upstairs and cleaning the bathroom so that I can settle into a nice bath. Except every time I go to take a bath I'm always reminded of how much I don't really enjoy them. Maybe it's because I'm too short and keep slipping in the tub so I can't quite prop myself up at the angle that is most effective for reading or dozing or anything else. I need a bathtub booster seat or something. Or a Japanese bath. Now that would be lovely.

At any rate, I should probably stop lounging about and go do something. Half the day is practically gone already!

The Letter H

Well, I have two things on my mind today. Both begin with the letter 'H'. I'll consider while I write about them, if there are any others to add as well.

First, 'hits'. As in, my blog is getting so many hits it's a bit mental. All for a picture I posted ages ago in 2005. Now, I scrounged the picture off the internet having received it by email many moons before that. Because I felt it was an appropriate visual image to go with my post at the time. Now, for some reason, my pilfered version of this image is the second choice when you google search for the same image. Which means people have been visiting by the truckloads. Which is only a little bit funny because why are so many people looking for this particular image? That's a very good question. At any rate, I'm getting loads of hits all from people google searching. Very interesting.

Second, 'hunt'. This week I have not been in touch with Mr.Aloof seeing as he is on vacation. But I look forward to his return and the much anticipated hunt. Now most of the detail to the hunt is outside of my knowledge. I am after all, slated as the lowest rung on the ladder- the prey. Well of course I was going to be the prey- is that really a surprise? Now toy, toy is supposed to find me. So I guess she's a huntress. But Mr.Aloof is also hunting in the woods, and we are both supposed to avoid him at all costs. So there's a clear hierarchy of three: Mr.Aloof-->toy-->me. Now having been out at night to this field twice, I did remark to Mr.Aloof that it is a bit large, so that in reality if my job is simply to avoid everyone it ought not be that difficult. To which he informed me that it would not be nearly so simple, but that there would be a series of tasks set for both toy and myself that would a) keep us fully engaged throughout the entire evening b) require us to go to certain specific places which would make being caught a significant risk- either by each other or by himself. So this has been the general theme of things for some time until recently it occurred to me that it would be highly likely given what I know of all parties involved that some of the tasks may very well involve the additional element of other people with their own particular tasks in the woods. And this realization has not been confirmed but has also not been denied meaning that it is pretty much a surety. Now this thought generally scares the crap out of me, but is also thrilling and exciting at the same time. Sort of like how you might feel before you go on a roller coaster. The hunt has been talked about now for a few months. The hunt is going to happen soon. The hunt is on my mind.

Yeah, that's it I think. No more H's at the moment. Below is the setting for the hunt, if you're interested.

Waiting to Sweat

I really need to hang those curtains in my room. This time of year it is pretty much 'light' at 4am- and seeing as how I'm a morning person, it means I simply can't sleep much past 7am. Not that I really have a problem with being someone who gets up early, but it's the rest of the world who seem to find it a bit troublesome. So while I may be up and ready to go do things at this time on a Sunday morning, there isn't anything open that I can go to. Oops. Guess I'll blog to pass some time instead.

I'm heading straight to the gym this morning. Didn't go Friday or Saturday, so today is the day. I've been pretty good about going Monday-Thursday though. So if I include Sunday, that will be 5x a week. That's pretty good. As usual, I like going to the gym once I'm there. I always do. It's just keeping up that motivation to get myself to the gym. So far so good.

In other news, I have some spectacular bruises blossoming on my upper right arm from Thursday nights hijinks. I knew there would be some from the pounding- I guess they were just so deep it took a couple days to come out. Funny enough, there are also a large circle in three parts on the inside of my upper arm, that doesn't hurt at all. I guess those were from being grabbed- well, what else would it be from? So yes, my upper right arm is practically surrounded with assorted bruises like a tribal tattoo. And it pleases me greatly.

I know I've said it before and I'll say it again. I like my sexual activities rough and hard. That's just what turns me on. There is this complete and total satisfaction from the lingering ache and visible marks of interaction. I've passed the stage where I worry too much about 'what other people think' about it all. I can't help that this is how I'm wired, and I'm thankful every day that there are other people wired just like me so that I have the opportunity to feel complete.

No official word yet on my exams. Some people on the forum are saying they've gotten results from exams taken after my other exams. Does this mean all of my exams have been graded and I have only failed the one? That would clearly be ideal (though surprising because I will have failed the one exam I really thought I wouldn't). But if all I have failed is one exam, I could even fly back just for a long weekend in October and take my exam- and still go on a trip to Japan. Or Cambodia. Those were the two main options for later in the year. I just need those official letters. I need to know my results!!

I'm still really worried though, that I failed more than one. And it is hard for me- I passed all my previous exams and they were actually a lot harder. It's just that these exams are so... arbitrary. I don't actually do that well with failure being the nerd that I am. But even my nerdiest friends have failed one or more of these same exams- and I know that it doesn't mean anything. I even know that some of those same friends are jealous that I've passed as many as I have already. It still doesn't mean I particularly like it. I guess more than anything it's just that I've been hammering away on these things for three years now- taking up the majority of my vacation time, my free time (for studying) and my money. I'm pretty desperate to be done.

Still 30 minutes until the gym opens. What a pain. At least it looks like it's going to be a lovely day.

Progress(ion)

Well first I should collect from all doubters, Mr.Aloof did not cancel, though I thought he was cancelling about 24 hours before we were supposed to meet up and I was quite cross about it.

So yesterday I had an appointment with my GP in the afternoon which meant no going back to work and I could head down south a bit early. Considering it takes me two hours to get to Mr.Aloof's house, an extra hour was certainly a benefit. I arrived just before 7pm, and he wasn't there to get me, so I walked to his place which isn't far from the station, I felt like I needed the walk anyway.

To interject, I had received some rather unfortunate news yesterday- which was that I believe I have failed at least one of my exams taken in April. There is a way of checking online in advance of the formal notice and my exam has 'popped up' for rescheduling, which is the general indication that you have failed. Even worse, this was the first exam, and the one I had felt really good about, so I am doubly upset by this revelation. Of course it's not official until I get the letter, but I don't really have any doubts. And so that sort of put me in a down mood seeing as how I was holding out some hope that I may actually get away with finally finishing all these fucking tests. But I guess not. I'll just have to retake it in October, and hopefully that will be that.

So anyway, I felt that a walk in the countryside might actually do me some good. And it wasn't bad. I got to Mr.Aloof's and he let me in. His little house has changed in it's furniture configuration yet again. It was a bit messy because he'd had people over the night before. But he set about cleaning up and cooking is dinner while I drank wine and we chatted.

It's nice how we chat now. Different from when we were 'together'. In particular I know that I find it easier to just say whatever I am thinking without wondering how he's going to take it. And because I'm more free with talking, then so is he. Which is funny, because we were always good at chatting before, but it's even better now.

After a surprisingly yummy dinner, we went out to the woods. In a few weeks time, there is to be a hunt. Have I mentioned the hunt yet? I don't remember. At any rate, there is to be an all night hunt in the woods. With tasks to accomplish, and hunters, and prey. The field of play is about a mile or so triangulated, so it's not a small thing we are talking about. On a hillside. It will be a challenging and invigorating night I'm sure.

Mr.Aloof had previously taken myself and toy up to the woods at night so we could get a feel for how it would be, before I went to the states. But since spring has sprung, it's all a bit different now. He had taken her again since we all went together, to review the 'path back' and so now it was my turn. So off we went to the woods for a bit of a night hike. It was pretty cool. I've always enjoyed the solitude of wilderness at night. And we had a miles hike in each direction, sometimes lit by moonlight and sometimes quite murky and dark within the trees.

Then it was back home. My hiking shoes were clogged with dirt, and the bottom of my jeans were muddied. We set about getting ready for bed, and to take a bath. Mr.Aloof had stripped down to jeans, and I had stripped down to nothing when he came upon me in his room and grabbing me by the neck, roughly pinned me to the bed.

Pressing into me he leaned over towards my ear, "I owe you for those dog pictures."

I squirmed away from him and stood up. "What, you think you can pin me?"

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "You just keep digging that hole..." he said before he lunged, taking me with him as we tumbled to the bed. He ended up sitting on top of me and pounded on my shoulder until I cried out. Changing position I tried to scramble out of reach while he kept pulling me back. I saw him sliding his belt out of his pants with one hand, while holding me fast with the other. I renewed my struggle in earnest and the belt started flying.

I'm not quite sure how long we tussled. I didn't make it easy for him, but I couldn't completely get away either. And the entire time, the belt was snapping and cracking where it could. Eventually we were both breathing hard and were hot. He stopped and headed to the bath. I got up and checked myself in the mirror. I could see red lashes on my thighs. In the bathroom he grabbed me again and turned me around, pushing me against the wall and lightly tracing my backside. "What a fantastic mark." I was a little bit jealous. I couldn't see it. "That was for one dog. How many dogs have there been?" Shit I thought. A hundred? Shit shit shit!

We climbed into the bath for a soak facing each other Unfortunately, my back was against the tap which was too hot to touch, so I had to lean forward. We idled lazily in the warm water, chatting. I was leaning on his knee zoning out, "You look like the picture of serendipity." I grinned and thought about how 'Serendipity' was the name of a book I'd had as a child about a purple monster. Eventually we got out, dried off, and fell asleep almost immediately.

I slept a bit restlessly. My pounded shoulder was aching every time I rolled on it. Plus a different bed and street noises and the like wouldn't quite let me relax. In the morning Mr.Aloof made me tea as we struggled to alertness. I was convinced my arm would be black and blue, but there wasn't a mark on it. And the majority of my red stripes had all disappeared by morning, though some were slightly visible on the top of my right thigh.

We drove along Box Hill where I spotted a wild pheasant and a hopping bunny on the way to Morden where he dropped me off at the tube. We emailed a little bit this morning. Seems like some interesting times ahead. Well, in a week at any rate. He's off on holiday with the family. I sent him this photo in honor of his trip.... *smirk*

Saffa Dinner

Alright. After my rant yesterday, the weather got better. And I was watching television and some advertisement came on and it reminded me that SH had brought me some American food stuff that I had meant to pick up when I attended the dinner.

So I texted and asked if it was still okay for me to come, at least so I could pick up the stuff. So she called me back and expressed a desire for me to come. And I was like fine, but if I am feeling unsociable then I'm just going to leave before I'm a drag on the evening. Which I thought was a fair sort of compromise after everything.

So 6pm saw me headed off to Highgate. Which took ages. But that's not really important to the story.

The evening was fine, and I ended up staying until the end. And R's friends were nice enough, if not a bit insular and protected. I felt like I wasn't really in London anymore. It was very apparent that I was in 'the suburbs' even if to an untrained American eye it might look just as much city as anything else.

But no, what sort of weirded me out the most was the insular quality of all these South Africans. One of them asked me about Hackney, "Oh- is there are large American community there?". I didn't even understand that question.

"Um.... no." I replied.

At which point the conversation took this other turn where the Saffas expressed this fascination with anyone who would just move without a community to move to. These people... they were all basically from the same neighborhood in South Africa. They all went to the same schools. Had the same teachers. And it was like they were just uprooted and transplanted into North London. All their friends were other South Africans, all from the same neighborhood, and here they were in London, but they all just hang out with each other. Frankly, it was really strange and maybe slightly claustrophobic.

I guess I just don't have any way of comparing my ex-pat experience to theirs. I moved for completely different reasons. I moved without a safety net. Maybe some of them find the closeness as constraining as it is comforting. I don't know. I guess part of me hopes so. Overall though, I really felt it was just a bit weird.

Still, I guess I'm glad things ended alright with SH and there weren't any feelings of annoyance or hostility by the time the evening had past. So really that's the most important thing. The Saffas were just a strange sort of side note.

How Not to Plan

My good friend SH was here for a long weekend trip from Chicago. Instead of staying with me this time, she is stayed with the guy she met when she was here in March. Which is cool, their budding relationship seems to be going well and that's a good thing.

But I am a bit annoyed at the lack of planning that occurred around this trip. I figured she'd be spending most of her time with him, and that was fine. But all of her time with him? This is where I start to get cranky. Before she came I tried to schedule time that we could meet up. Her response was she didn't know what R (the guy) was planning. Fine. But what about what she was planning? Why did it have to be left up to him?

As it turns out he took her for a really nice spa break Friday/Saturday. And all along I'd been saying how about dinner on Saturday? But somehow that message didn't sink in. Even though I said 'dinner on Saturday' about a million times. Somehow when they showed up, not only were they not initially eating, but in an hour they had to meet a group of his friends.

Excuse me?

I don't really understand how this happened exactly except that there was clearly no conversation or communication about what either of them would have liked when it came to the other people they know. I understand that he wants his friends to meet her. But she also has friends that she wants to meet him. And catch up with. So why on earth would one schedule Saturday night and Sunday night for both groups and expect them to mingle and mix and be satisfied? I mean, usually you would expect each person to meet each others friends, then maybe they talk about a mixed group of friends- like who might be suited to socialize with each other, not just throwing everyone together and hope that it works out okay. What is painfully obvious is that with a single conversation it would have been very easy to say, lets hang out with my friends Saturday and your friends Sunday and that way everyone has time to really talk and get to know who they should.

As it turns out, his friends came to where I'd booked for dinner, but it was on the table next to ours. So R was clearly stressed about being between his friends and our table, so that wasn't very pleasant. And it really was an our table and their table, which also wasn't very pleasant. And oh, out of the eleven people present, I was the only one not in a couple. So I found that particularly annoying and unpleasant, especially when the couples started being smarmy.

So I've begged out of this evenings dinner. I'm really in no mood to go hang out with a bunch of suburbanized married couples who all know each other and who all want to meet my friend. Nope, not in the mood at all. So I'm sure SH is pissed off at me, but I don't really care. I did get to see her last night and managed to monopolize a good deal of her time, and I think it's fair that she meet R's friends as well. I just really wish they had taken a second to be reasonable and plan it better. Then last night could have been a lot more fun, and tonight wouldn't have this overtone over it.

Rant over.

A Missing Puzzle Piece

On Thursday I have plans to travel south for the night.

On the one hand it is all very complicated, and on the other hand it is not. It's just that it's all a bit of uncharted waters for me. And it's not something any of my friends have traversed either. I'm forging a new path without aide, and that can be tricky.

I am going to see Mr.Aloof.

It's not the same as it once was. In fact it's all very very different. For starters, there is a new character to add to the story. Her name is toy. And she is Mr.Aloof's partner.

And so what does that make me? For starters, and to clarify any confusion before it begins, I have met toy, under the most intimate of circumstances. And there aren't any secrets here. And I have discussed the situation, and the potential situation with Mr.Aloof, and there aren't any secrets there either. They are the primary relationship, and I have no wish to disturb that.

And yet I am being invited. By them both. And it is up to me if I choose to accept that invitation or not. For how long I choose to accept that invitation or not.

And so who do I know who can offer me advice in this uncharted place? My friends have expressed cautious concern. Everyone knows how much Mr.Aloof has hurt me in the past. And my friends have voiced quiet concern for my future. What does this path hold for me? If I am not the primary, then what is my security?

And yet I do not feel as though I can turn my back on what is being offered. In some ways my past experiences with Mr.Aloof have prepared me for this time. My heart is walled against him. Am I lying to myself? I search internally for the smallest blossom of love, and I only find dried earth. Or maybe scorched earth. I care for him, of course I do. But I am not enthralled with him anymore.

This does not mean however, he does not know how to make me sing.

This is what I have learned in this time, in meeting toy. In seeing him with her. It is that we are too much alike, in some ways. Is it strange to see your once-partner with another? Intimately with another? I know that it should be strange, I know that society expects it to be strange. And yet, it's not, except when I think about how other people think it should be. But I have learned heaps about him and me from watching him and her. And I can see why it didn't work. But neither he nor I can deny that there is still something there. And that somehow the shift in circumstance, the presence of toy, it allows us to enjoy what we can of each other, without the expectations that the other can't meet.

Though it's a bit of a trap is it not? He has toy... and I have..... no one else. And how is that to happen? I have a secondary partner but I'm seeking my primary? How many people do you know who would be open to that situation? It's true. My future is uncertain. I don't have the security. I don't have the promises.

But I guess this goes back to something I touched on before. Maybe I'm okay with that. It has always been so very important for me to be self sufficient. Having never shared my life with anyone, it's becoming harder and harder for me to imagine doing it. Or maybe I've just not met the right person. Maybe when you do, it all seems much easier, less of a sacrifice. But how should I live my life in the meantime- like a nun? Should I not take advantage of the pleasures and joy that life offers?

Or will it all come at a dear price whose limit I cannot yet see?

Wagers anyone? Well for that matter, I'll also take wagers on whether or not Mr.Aloof will cancel Thursday plans, on some level I'm already expecting as much. Some things may change, but it seems some things will forever be the same.

!!!500!!!

I wasn't going to post much of anything important, but when I logged onto blogger it pointed out to me that if I wrote a new post, it would be my 500th. So I thought I might mark the occasion. Though I don't think there is anything particular to mark it with at the moment. Life rather continuous in it's varied and yet monotonous fashion.

There are never enough hours in the day to do all the things one wants to do. Even if you didn't have a job or responsibilities, there are still never enough hours in a day. Maybe it's because the mind can operate at such higher speeds than the body. Everything you can think of that seems like a good idea- that's easy. And it builds up. But actually finding the time and energy to do them, well, that's another monster entirely.

So, as for the generally update on things around here....

No word on my exams yet. Apparently there has been some huge fuck up in the grading or by the computers or something else. So the people in the testing batch before mine still haven't gotten their results. I'm thinking it could be another four weeks at least. So that sort of sucks.

Gym attendance is regular and steady-ish. I'm really trying to be good about going. And I do always enjoy when I go, it's just the going that seems to be an occasional problem. I slipped a bit over the weekend, but have made good this week by going every day so far. I am starting to see a few small results. I like that. I'm definitely a girl who works better on a reward type system.

My friends are all generally still as crazy as ever. A few key friends are all shacked up at the moment which I'm finding a bit annoying. Mainly because none of them seem to be good at learning how to make time for their friends as well as their partners. I know that this new person might be in your life, but I'm not dating them! And anyway, if I never get alone time with my friends, how am I supposed to catch up on how the relationship is going? I think it's an important balance really- I wholeheartedly believe that a good test of your new relationship is whether or not your partner can socialize with your friends, but it's also really important to be able to have your alone time with your friends and not have your partner around all the time. Bleh. I told one of my shacked up friends yesterday, maybe I should get some new friends. She thought I was kidding. And of course I was. Sort of.

The moth war continues. I think there was a resurgence in my absence. I think I have made up for this now and am continuing my pursuit of chemical warfare. Still, I don't think I will ever be truly rid of the resistance until I change my carpets. That might happen towards the end of summer. Until then, diligence and more diligence!

On the job front- I should get my CV together and look for a new job. Maybe if I say this enough, I will actually do it. Though in reality my CV is getting updated next week hopefully, so then it will be needing to send it out to firms. One step at a time. Nothing is changing where I am though. Great working environment, work that I enjoy, and zero respect (both in title and financially) from the management. So what do you do? You can't let yourself get stepped on forever....

So what does that leave? Relationships. Yeah. I don't even think I want to go there right now. On Nerve, photobloggers Kate&Camilla had a post about choosing career over family. This was Camilla in the conundrum. She's 29. And I understood what she's saying. I had the same conversation with SA on the weekend. If I didn't have a biological ticking clock, things would be a lot easier. Suffice to say, having not met the right person yet, I do go through phases of thinking it's never going to happen, and then wondering how I feel about all that. That's sort of where I'm at right now. And I ponder fairly regularly if I'm really okay with that.

And that's about it really. Nothing outrageous and not quite as dull as grass growing. Just life ticking on by.

Photography Marker

I just recently found information on this exhibition by Jill Greenberg. I think I came across it via another website which was talking about what photographers have to go through to get the shots they want. Apparently in this instance the toddlers in question were given candy, and then that candy was taken away. I mean, okay, I sort of like that idea in general which I know is a bit mean- though I'm sure once the photographs were taken they were probably given their candy back and happy as proverbial clams. Still, the imagery is quite powerful no? I can see why she would draw the parallel between the raw emotion of loss, anger, and frustration to what was, and generally continues to be, the current political situation. I think I should make place-markers out of photographers I find more frequently, as I often come across things that appeal for one reason or another.

Ho Hum I Feel a Bit Glum

At least it's a bank holiday weekend. This is Sunday, so I have tomorrow off which is rather nice. Though I brought work home that I haven't touched yet, so tomorrow probably isn't going to be so great after all. Hopefully I'll get to the gym. I've been avoiding it this weekend, when I should have made the effort to go. But I went during the week, so that's okay.

I am having trouble settling back into things here. Everything seems somewhat off-kilter and it's annoying me. Of course my annoyance about almost everything is being multiplied exponentially by the hormones that are now swarming around my bloodstream. Damn hormones. They are truly an evil thing.

So I'm a bit mired in grumpiness at the moment. I'm annoyed about work. I'm annoyed about my social life. I'm annoyed with some of my friends. Frankly I'm even annoyed with London right now which is somewhat startling. I don't know where else I would really rather be. On a hillside I think. In a log cabin. Away from everyone and everything. I think I'm just finding life a bit overwhelming at the moment and I'm not really sure why.

I'm sure this will pass along eventually. I'm hoping that it's all being exacerbated by the hormones, so that should be done in a couple of days. I just don't like feeling so out of place and sorts. I don't like that my home still doesn't feel like 'home'.

I was talking to my friend SH today online who said in the course of our discussion over things that being human is all about the condition of dealing with being human. At the moment, I couldn't agree with her more.

Stuff

I don't think I've really settled back in yet. Everything is still very strange.

I think part of this is also because I came back to a climate changed environment. A month ago, the weather was completely different. The landscape. The clothing. It's actually true that I didn't come back to the same place- I came back to something completely different.

I think it will just take a while.

There are loads of other things going on as well. First of all, when you've been gone a month, your social life goes to shit. But of course the second you're back, everyone wants to see you and meet up. And all at the same time. It's simply not possible. However, this is hindered by the fact that I want to see everyone as well. So it's a lot of running around and trying to schedule things. And also, it's a bit of prioritizing of certain things over others. Such a pain to have friends! Kidding.....

In other news.... no, not much by way of other news- or at least not stuff I feel like detailing here. Work is busy. Funny how no one worked on my project at all while I was away. Loads of shit to do now that I'm back, and all on a tight deadline. Wee!

At least it's a bank holiday Monday. I love how they always sneak up and surprise me. I get back from four weeks away and what do I get? A long weekend! Kick ass!