26 May 2009

Merry Month Of

Been a while again. I wonder how many of my various journal and diary entries start this way? I go through phases where I write all the time and then I stop for a time and of course life progresses and goes about it's business- I just neglect to record any of it. It's cyclical. It's fine.

Tomorrow is my interview for this PhD. I am feeling somewhat ambivalent about it and I'm not entirely sure why. It may be because I am only one in five and so four people will be disappointed by this exercise which are not good odds. It could be that even if I get the PhD it means my life is not really settled or secure in that I will still need to find other sources of income, though I will be at least protected from complete disaster- it will not be enough for me to really enjoy my life the way I would like to.

Or it could be that I'm just scared of undertaking such a thing so I find it difficult to get motivated and excited about it because actually it scares me. I think this is probably the most likely culprit, mixed with a firm understanding of 20% odds. Ah well. I will do my best and it will be what it will be.

This past weekend was S's hen weekend which went well for all the effort put into it. I've managed to collect almost all the money owed to me and have paid off the expenses I undertook for it which is all good. The pictures to show for it are excellent and a good night was had by all. The tea on Sunday was okay- certainly not the best I've had in London and the company was not nearly as fun and exciting as Saturday, but it was a good compliment to accommodate all the people that needed to be accommodated, so that was good.

Unfortunately it was followed by some drama involving the hen and her parents who are, pretty much, crazy. And of course when you say this, someone will say, "Oh yes, but everyone is crazy.", which is true- but lets face it- some people are more crazy than others and her parents are somewhat high on the scale. So a week before her wedding her parents are on the phone to her being aggressive and horrible and telling her what a nasty person she is and how everything that is wrong with their trip to the UK so far is her fault. Charming.

The wedding is next weekend and I hope it goes off without a hitch. I imagine though that there may be various stories that come out of it, I just hope that they are funny as opposed to horrifying. My dad and step-mother arrive Thursday morning and that is it's own bubble of issues. I called them yesterday and they are having one of those moments in their interaction where my step-mother is really fed up with my dad. Not that I blame her, I just wish it wasn't coinciding with this trip although in fairness, it has probably been egged on by the trip and in particular because my dad can be one cheap bastard.

But I can't really think about them at the moment because I am only thinking about my interview and presentation and getting on trains and wearing my suit and then coming back to London and going straight to the wedding rehearsal which is frankly enough to think about at the moment.

In other unrelated but related news, there is another job I can apply for which could be good- another part time opportunity though I do start to see the benefit to this arrangement at the moment. I have requested the application pack and figure I will know about the PhD soon so if I don't get it, new application is going out pronto.

Things with Heathrow continue to be what they are. I saw him last weekend but not this past weekend as I was obviously busy and I won't see him next weekend because of parents and weddings. I miss that pleasant addition to my current lifestyle but know that it will return soon enough. It does not cause me any stress this thing with Heathrow, even though I know it isn't particularly going anywhere. It's just pleasant to have something nice for me for a change. Somewhat reliable and without drama. There is enough drama in the rest of life at the moment.

I am looking forward to June I think. Things should settle somewhat- one way or another.

06 May 2009


Let me get the most important news out of the way first. I have made it to the interview round for the PhD. My understanding is they have invited five candidates to prepare a fifteen minute presentation followed by a fifteen minute question and answer period. The topic of the presentation is good. Like a design problem. And I am all over it. In my head that is. I actually need to start getting it out into format and testing the timing of the presentation as I've been told it will be a rigorous and unforgiving fifteen minute window.

Still, what this means is I am down to the final five for this research. I imagine there were a few hundred applications, at least, so that's pretty cool isn't it? I'm sure all the candidates are pretty good though. So it's going to need to be a good show for the final round. But I have a chance. That's what's important.

I would be working on that this week if I hadn't managed to swing a small job for the week which takes precedence I'm afraid. Especially since I didn't really make much last week, and even though I made something, I haven't been paid for it yet, so that's not great. I mean, I will get paid- it just hasn't come through yet, so I haven't earned anything for almost four weeks now. At least I got paid finally for my last bit of the part time work I did, so that's going into my account pronto. It's down to counting pennies these days again. No fun.

Had a really good bank holiday weekend which saw me pass my RYA level 2 sailing course. I did this at the Stoke Newington Reservoir Centre which is not so far from here. It was really good. The wind wasn't as steady as one might like for practicing certain maneuvers, but overall it was really good and I got a serious workout in after six hours of sailing for two days in a row! I wish I had more funds so I could pursue this a bit better, but it's tricky at the moment to balance things I'd like to pursue with the resources to actually do them.

Guitar lessons also fall into this category.

Then Sunday night I went west to see Heathrow and we spent Monday together- went to Windsor and went around and then his friend T launched his little fishing boat at Windsor and we hopped on board for a bit of a boat up and down the river there.

I feel in some ways I had a very grounding time with Heathrow in terms of where I see us at, and what potential I think there is. And in many ways it reiterated for me that Heathrow is not a forever prospect. I really enjoy time with Heathrow, and I like him, but he has a lot of development to do for lack of a better way of putting it. I see him struggle with himself and recognize completely that he is in no position to include others into his life- really. I know he likes me and cares about me, but that's just what it is. It's not hurtful- because it's not personal. Part of me wants to say we just aren't compatible in that way, but I think the reality is, Heathrow can't be compatible with anyone in that way right now in his life. That's okay. I am still enjoying our time together tremendously and I am not feeling paranoid about anything at the moment. This, as far as I'm concerned, is positive.

Of course it makes me a little bit sad as well, but until I feel that it's not satisfying me and I want something more, or something different, then that's okay. I will enjoy what we share to the fullest, for as long as we share it.

So I guess I should start doing the work I'm supposed to be doing today since I made a notation to myself that I started working at nine and it's now eleven and I've done fuck all about actual work stuff yet. Looks like it'll be a bit of a late night.