04 January 2012

Not broken

When you have two hours to do some work, or just fuck it and procrastinate, what do you do?  It's abundantly clear what I do.  It's honestly a wonder I get anything done at all.  Ever.

This is a post that I have been thinking about.  Because some topics linger in your head and you examine them from all angles and push them and pull them and spin them about.  And sometimes it takes time to understand them properly.

I wrote before about how I thought since Mr Aloof I have not felt any sort of intensity for anyone.  I have worried about this, and it's possible indication of any number of things.  But then, I was reminded that actually, I did have fairly strong feelings for the Economist.  It's just that it never actually properly developed into anything.  So I was wrong.  I forgot.  I glossed it over because it was unfulfilled.

But then I wondered did I have feelings for the Economist because he was the wrong sort of guy?  Was the very reason that I felt something for him, because he was unable to commit, not really wanting to be in a relationship, unavailable?  So I talked it over with H and the thing is, for the first month and a half or so, I didn't know those things about the Economist.  No, we weren't rushing into a mad passionate relationship, but I did believe we were building up to something and gaining ground.  Yes, there were possibly some clues that he wasn't what I wanted him to be, but I felt the rush early on.  Not because I knew those things about him, but in spite of my learning those things about him.

It's not entirely conclusive to be fair, but I'm going to try and be positive about this because the alternative would be to be very negative about it.  I was excited about the Economist.  I felt a thrill when I was with him.  He interested me in a way that no one had for a while and no one has since.  He turned out to be a dud, that's fine.  But that doesn't invalidate or taint my initial feelings.

So perhaps I'm not broken after all.

Just (rightfully) picky.