Nightly News Rant

Once upon a time I used to get really cross listening to the news. This was when the republicans were coming into power in the States, just coming up to the first baby Bush election. Every single day when the NPR radio alarm went off, I would listen to the news reports and get angrier and angrier at the information being shared with me.

In fact when I moved to this country, it was one of the first things I noticed- how not angry I was all the time about the news, but probably that's because I didn't know much about UK politics or people. That's changed in six years.

Because this is my spouting off place, I'm going to spout off on some current topics in no particular order just to get them off my chest. You have been warned.

1. Roman Polanski
How quickly this has come and gone from the news, yet it still lingers slightly. What really steams me is these celebrity fuckwits who have signed some petition to let him off. I really would like any of them to read the transcript of just what happened to that 13 year old girl and then say that they think skipping country is 'okay'. I don't care if he was going to get a harsher sentence or made an example of- he raped and sodomized a child after drugging her. That's disgusting and despicable, and if he wasn't famous or an 'artist', no one would cut him any slack at all. I'm glad it looks like he's willing to finally head back to the States. And none of this bullshit about 'how his victim wants it dropped'. Yes, she wants it dropped because the fuckwit skipped country and made her hellish situation EVEN WORSE by making her the only person the media could get their grubby little hands on. She wants it all to go away, but it should have all gone away a long time ago. Oh yeah, and back to those stupid celebrities, stick to what you know, and stay out of stuff you don't.

2. Global Warming
Anyone who can't work out that we've seriously fucked with the planet at this point needs a serious slapping. How it's all going to play out is debatable, but it's likely that an awful lot of people are going to die from this tampering. And yes 'warming' is probably the wrong word because it's not just 'warming' it's also 'cooling' and 'turbulent'. But you can't go around saying Global Fuck Up because children are sensitive don't you know. And oh yeah, it's not that the planet will die, of course the planet won't die. The planet has lasted a long time. It's just the living things on it that will die, or at least an awful lot of them will. Remember the dinosaurs? They used to live here, now they don't. Lets stop talking about whether it's real or not and actually start to do something about it. And oh yeah, I don't mean being punitive about it either, I want to see global investment in cleaning up the little mess that everyone made. Okay, maybe you didn't make it, but you sure as fuck can get a broom and help out. Don't want to? Then maybe you should go live on the Maldives for the next oh... 30 years or so. And good luck with that.

3. Letters from the Prime Minister
Yes, I know this one is particularly current but if I hear one more time about this stupid woman who is being manipulated (quite obviously) by the Sun and looking for someone to blame, then I'm likely to go postal myself. Is everyone really so stupid? Like... you get all these people up in arms that the BNP might get to be on Question Time (although a lot of people voted for the BNP, so why they don't get to be on Question Time is beyond me, just because you want to ignore it doesn't mean it's not happening) but the media thinks it's okay to repeat this idiotic slander that the Prime Minister who hand writes a note to this woman may have, god forbid, spelled something wrong! Get over yourselves! And by repeating it, even when it's repeated with commentary in support of the Prime Minister, then every single media outlet is doing just as much harm as the Sun. By the way, how much do you think she's going to sell that letter for in a few years huh? No, I'm not cynical at all....

4. US Health Care Reform
As an American who grew up with mostly private health insurance, I can say, having experienced UK health coverage that I think that I received better medical care and attention in the States. However. I do think it is the obligation of a government to care for all of it's citizens needs. I also recognize that while US health care is better than others I have experienced, I am not at all sure that it is worth how much Americans are forced to pay for it versus people in other countries. Of course if you have money, you will be impacted very little by US health care reform and to deny health care to your fellow citizens is both stupid and misguided. I can't even be glad that something passed in House because it is so far removed from anything reasonable that this all going to go tits up, oh wait, it already has.

4a. Abortion debates in US Health Care Reform
Doesn't belong there and get your petty fucking religious moral views out of my fucking politics. Now.

5. Gay Marriage
Ditto what I said about abortion. Fucktards.

Thank you, and good night.

City Living

Here's another post of processing things that have come up lately from more than one person. If I refer to the previous post of the three legged stool, this is probably the leg that I have had the least trouble with, at least for some time, and that is the concept of 'home'.

I was born into suburbs and I was raised initially in the suburbs. An experience which I think provided me with many good memories and experiences of digging in things and climbing things and growing things, not to mention the safety of the neighbourhood and the gang of kids who lived there (though that's slightly misleading because bad things could and did happen, but generally not the case). But when I was 9 we moved to the city. THE city, New York City. And it was a whole new world.

When people ask me where I'm from I say New York because I think it explains a lot more about how I engage with things and what shaped my world view. I was there as I matured from child to pseudo adult. My friends and I did not roam our neighbourhood but rather Manhattan. We hung out in Central Park, at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in Times Square, in Herald Square, in Soho Square. I can't even begin to name all the nooks and crannies that created the backdrop to my youth. But the reality is, this post isn't about that.

This post is about knowing as an adult where it is you want to live in life. What features of a place do you find the most comforting and desirable? I for one, have always known that I wanted to live in a city. It has never been a particular question in my mind when thinking upon the topic that I would be most happy in an urban environment. I don't need a garden, though I wouldn't mind a roof deck or a good sized balcony. But a square outside my house is almost just as good. Because although I think I could like gardening and sitting outside, it's not really what I want. I want to see people and hear noise and be a part of a hive of activity that I see as a city.

Saying this, I also came to realize over time that I didn't want to necessarily be in the hugest city. There is a certain scale of urbanism I find more attractive than others. I don't prefer Manhattan, I like Brooklyn better. And I like Boston better than New York any day. Which is probably why I like London even though it's a big global city, it's stature does a lot to mask this.

And in knowing this about myself, I can craft what I look for in a home. I'm not really conflicted about wanting a skyline view and a garden for the dog. I understand between those options which I would want more- because even though I can see attractive potential in a variety of scenarios, I know over time which one I would get bored with and which one I wouldn't. And it's not the city.

So I guess it confuses me sometimes when I meet people who swear fervently that they are 'city people' but then suddenly start talking about how they have to have a house and a garden and maybe even a car (or two). Because the thing is, then you aren't really a city person then are you? It's one thing to like the idea of a city and still want a suburban lifestyle and it's another thing entirely to like the idea of a city and embrace what it really means to be a part of it. How do they think the suburbs got invented anyway? But there seems to be such a stigma for someone to just up and admit that they'd rather live in a suburb. Which to my mind, is fair enough, but wouldn't it be better to be honest with yourself then try and make a square peg fit in a round hole?

Cities are expensive and dense. And there are compromises you make for the benefits you enjoy. If you don't enjoy them, then by all means move out. But if you do enjoy them, and you aren't a billionaire, then accept that maybe you don't actually need all those rooms and spaces in your house- not when there's a whole city to get out and explore.

Balance

At some point along my years of discussing life with my friends, someone, not me proposed this analogy of the three legged stool of life. Now, oddly, the purpose of this metaphor was not to suggest that the goal was somehow to get the three legs in balance, but rather to exemplify that it is pretty much impossible to ever get all three legs in balance and this is what gives people drive and motivation to change and work on themselves.

The main caveat being, if you could get two legs of your stool sorted, then you were probably doing okay. But if two or three legs were in disarray then you might find that instead of just being inspired and motivated you were actually depressed and discouraged.

In this particular metaphor, the three legs were as follows:

One was your work or profession, whatever that happened to be, and everything that it entails. Not only doing something that you want to be doing, but doing it where you want to be doing it, and with people that you want to be doing it with. People spend something like 30% of their lives at work, and if you consider that 33% you are sleeping, that means almost half of your waking hours are devoted to this particular past time. It's important for your personal well being to get it under control.

The second leg was your home. Where you live, under what circumstances, and with who. Obviously this also expands into something quite large because where you live starts to have an impact on what sorts of activities you do or don't do and what friends you see or don't see. A home is also not just something that gives back to you, but you must also put a lot of effort into as it will most likely mean a rent or mortgage (or the tolerance of parents and siblings), it requires cleaning and maintenance, and it contains or should contain those things that can give you respite from the world. A place for the physical expression of your inner self, however that needs to be.

The last leg is relationships. Or love. Not necessarily just friendships, though maybe I'm discounting that because I'm referencing myself and it should be included. It has to do with the emotional need to connect to other human beings. Oddly enough, out of all the three legs, this is the one that in many ways you may have the least control over. Because while you must live someplace, and you must be supported financially in some way (being out of work, I suppose, would mean your work leg was in distress), but there is no corresponding necessity related to emotional fulfilment. But it doesn't mean it's less important.

So in a nutshell there are the three legs. And if you go through your friends you will find that it's pretty difficult to find anyone where all three legs are strong and in balance. Usually there is one that is lagging behind the others. And then there are friends where two legs are gone and they may be struggling more, and then there are those with all three out of whack and they are pretty much a mess.

For me the legs have mostly been consistent. It's always my relationship leg that's given me the most trouble, but at times my home has given me trouble, and certainly this past year my work has as well (but was complimented at least by something of a respite in the relationship leg which worked out well). I think I'm back to my standard position, that it's the relationship leg that causes me the most grief. Work has sorted itself out this year, and I love my home and have for some time, so that's all good. And I do my best to work on the relationship leg, I think I've made a bit of progress in the past two years lets say. So that's good. And I am hopeful about opportunities in the future, mainly that I am about to meet a whole bunch of new people and you never know where that could lead. So although it's not where I want it to be by far, it's also not quite so bad a mess as it's been in the past.

The stool isn't really ever supposed to be able to be balanced, but I think I'm pretty okay with where mine is at for now.

Dump

I know, again it's been a while. Not for lack of things to say, or lack of things going on. More time and inclination to be honest. It's not that I have anything exceptional to write about. It's more like... I've been holding off on just decompressing all of the thoughts that mill about my head, mostly having to do with people I engage with in life.

Everyone needs a place to dump.

At the moment it seems to me like very few of my friends are particularly happy, for various reasons- and with more and less degrees and levels of 'of their own making'. It's hard.

Do you know what friends want for their friends more than anything else in the whole world (at least good friends that is, not back stabbing pseudo friends)? They want their friends to be happy. That's what I want. I want the people in my life that I know and care about to be happy. (And as a side note, I want all the jerks and assholes that I know about to suffer karmic retribution, but that's a separate post.)

It's just incredibly frustrating to watch your friends not be happy, particularly and specifically if they are partially or even wholly there, in whatever place they are in, because of something of their own making that they either aren't working on or won't even acknowledge, let alone recognize and then begin to work on. And you just watch them be unhappy and suffer to various degrees and of course there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

It's draining when you hear about all of these miseries and hurts. Not because I'm not sympathetic, or perhaps empathetic would be a more appropriate word, but because I just wish that these issues and cycles and patterns would shake the fuck up and move on already so that my most excellent friends, the people I love and cherish and care about and think are pretty awesome and amazing individuals can just have something more like the lives that they undoubtedly deserve.

It's hard because everyone has their own row to hoe. Has to learn their own lessons. Has to get there on their own. If it were that easy to learn just be hearing or by example, then we'd all be blissful right now. And I've certainly been there. You can't make people learn self truths, you can only be along the ride there for them, as they make their own way.

And I suppose what else is frustrating is that they may not get there at all. Maybe this is how the theory of reincarnation comes from. Maybe one life time really isn't enough to get to all the matters and issues. How sad then to think one shot is all you get. And maybe it makes sense in a spiritual sort of way to think that we work through issues through lifetimes until we do reach a higher place. And that everyone has the potential to get there in the end.

It just may take a long time. Longer than what I can see. So I guess it's not really comforting. There aren't any guarantees in life. You aren't 'owed' or 'promised' true love, a great job, money, health, etc. It doesn't work like that. You get the hand you get, and you have to learn to make the most of it. Be aware of what is within your control- try not to put all your fantasies of happiness in the realm of things you can't control. Be adaptable to change. Be open to new ideas or possibilities. Be willing to walk away and admit you were wrong, if you were. Not that any of these things are even easy, but for gods sake, WORK on it. Because you do really only get the one life that you're aware of. And being miserable or unhappy and repeating patterns and cycles endlessly seems like an incredible fucking waste.

(And if you're my friend, and I care about you, then you know what, you really do deserve to be happy. You do.)

Randomings

I can't think of a main topic that I want to talk about, so I'm just going to ramble here and see what comes of it. I find that things are in a somewhat strange place at the moment. I'm not happy nor unhappy. I'm not overly active or overly bored. Everything seems to be in some sort of stasis. I feel as though things are quiet. Though they are not necessarily quiet at all, it's the overwhelming sense that I have of my life at the moment.

A good part of things right now is about waiting. Or maybe it's about endings. Or perhaps new beginnings. Or all of the above. I have been working back at my old office on an hourly basis for what amounts to about four days of work per week. This has been really good in terms of my solvency as well as being busy. But it's a bit strange all the time, to feel a bit like a ghost in a place I once was and place I no longer 100% belong to anymore. After all, I'm not a real employee, I don't have the same issues as other people. I could also be asked to leave on a moments notice. There's certainly no security, though we are busy, so I'm not really afraid it will end tomorrow, it's more the feeling that comes with the possibility more than anything else.

And of course, while this feels in many ways like something that could just be indefinite, it is in fact, not indefinite at all, because in January, I have another plan and another direction that should be starting. I was offered a PhD studentship at Cambridge. But the issue is, I was offered it through the department that secured the funding, but I haven't been officially made an offer by the university yet. In order for that to happen I had to apply, formally, which meant I had to get transcripts and references and I have only been able to complete that this week. It's all moving forward now, and there is no reason whatsoever that I should not be given a proper place, but there's this nagging doubt that it could all still go wrong as long as I don't have anything in writing. So I've been rather reluctant to talk about this too much. Still, it will mean a massive change in my whole way of life. In what I do every day, in how I think about who I am and what I'm doing, about what becomes important to me, about how I structure things. I can't begin to wrap my head around it yet, I feel I need to approach it one step at a time. So perhaps this also part of the reason I am not dwelling on things too much. First, let me get accepted and I'll take it from there.

Things with Heathrow are perhaps dwindling. Or perhaps not. It still doesn't stress me out. It's difficult to always be away every weekend. Sometimes I have things I need to do and I simply can't be away. And he doesn't come to mine and so that means I just don't see him. He came around last weekend because I made a dinner for a group of kinky friends, and that was cool. But he didn't spend the night, so while I saw him, we didn't get any intimate time together. It seems this upcoming weekend something similar will happen in that I will likely see him on Sunday at a kinky party I've been invited to, but Saturday night I've got plans in the city and he won't come to that probably, so again, the weekend passes and we don't get any alone time together. So then it's the following weekend I guess. Who knows? Part of me is sad that he doesn't seem to have the drive to want to see me more. Part of me isn't that bothered because if he isn't willing to join in my things, I simply have other things I have to do. Heathrow will always be a friend of mine. I just don't know how much longer he'll be an intimate friend of mine. Though until anything else comes along (another thing to think about when starting up at Cambridge and all the opportunities that might present) I'm satisfied with how things are. In fact, more than that, I truly am thankful for the experiences that Heathrow has brought to my life.

Friend-wise, I perhaps feel a little bit alone. Between friends moving away and friends having crisis and friends finding partners and friends going mental, I feel isolated from my usual group of social connections or maybe just distanced is a better word. The problem is, even when I have contact with my friends I find that I have to make an effort to find things to talk about. My life to me at the moment seems alternately self indulgent and incredibly boring. I don't feel like I have much to offer my friends just now which tends to make me withdraw. Given that for many reasons different friends are withdrawing anyway, this isn't the best approach. Or maybe it's just an example of the parroting I talked about in the last post. Very hard to tell.

Okay. Enough maudlin for now. Maybe I've gotten enough of my chest for the moment that I can actually return to posting about more amusing things. I promise, there are actually amusing things in my life, I just haven't felt motivated to write about them. Maybe for the next post, I'll start with the whip.

Of Time and Parrots

It's been a while, huh?

Lots of stuff going on. As usual. Life is sort of like that you know. Good stuff, bad stuff, mundane stuff. All being lost to the relentless pressing of time. It's okay though. I have a wealth of things now that I could talk about and record. But as it stands, what I really want to talk about is parrots.

This weekend I had a revelation, which was not entirely new to me, but refreshed rather, that I am in many ways a parrot towards people I interact with.

I relate this to the golden rule. I don't know why but the golden rule is the foundation of my interactions. I use someone else's behavior as a method of judging my own response or reaction towards that person. If you show up late to my house without a good reason or excuse? Then I feel validated in showing up late to your house without a good reason or excuse. If you bring wine or a gift to my house, then I will bring wine or a gift to your house. If you show up to my stuff, I'll show up to your stuff. You get the idea.

The thing is, and was pointed out to me over the weekend, this way of interacting has a tendency to predetermine my actions without me perhaps considering what I want my actions to be instead. In fact, what I want is very hard to pinpoint. My actions frequently seem to me to be already decided based on what someone else did first.

And maybe this isn't so great.

It all makes sense really. I remember talking to the therapist about how it's hard for me to verbalize or acknowledge sometimes things that I want. Things I want seem to end up being consequences of other actions, not generated from my own place of independence.

I feel like this is something I need to work on, though I'm not one hundred percent sure about how to go about it. It's really second nature to me, this parroting thing. It's not like I think about it, it's not something present in my mind. It's more like, when I sit down to actually describe my rationale for behaving a certain way, it often comes down to parroting and not grounded in what I desire or want. Not that what I want or desire is necessarily anything different, but I'm not even sure I can discern the difference at this point.

Weird.

35

Today is my birthday.

For a very long time I have tried to write a journal entry on my birthday. Not that I care much about birthdays to be honest. An August birthday is not kind to a child growing up. In particular it is not kind to a child growing up who must spend their summer with their other parent, in another state, far away from their friends who might actually still be in town as opposed to on holiday with their families.

But I do enjoy marking time and milestones. I like when things seem complete or whole, and so for that reason, I like the idea of birthdays. Whole numbers of whole years of time that can be measured. And taking measure, for what it's worth, of a moment, of a year, of a life.

So what can I say about this last year? Firstly that it has been a tremendous time of change, in a way that I did not anticipate or expect, mostly having to do with work. Although I don't see this as a bad thing. It scared me, certainly, but in a way showed me that I was stronger and more versatile and adaptable than I thought. It also showed me that I had better connections and networks than I knew. I was glad to find that I could rely on myself. That I managed my life in a way that when things went badly, I had allowed for a way to adapt. That I had resources to adapt. Okay, those resources have dwindled somewhat, but they were there for me when I needed them, and that's what I think is important.

On the personal side of thing, I really did get rid of the influence Mr.Aloof had on my life. At the point of my birthday last year, I would not say that I was over things. But now, a year later than that, I can say with confidence that I am well and truly over that. And I met Heathrow. And have had the opportunity to have a different sort of relationship with a different sort of person. And that has been lovely. Of course, writing this I am conscious of the fact that things with Heathrow may be coming to a close, but retrospectively, I appreciate that he entered my life when he did, and was the person he was and we have had what we've had so far, even though I don't know how much longer it might continue. It doesn't mean that I am so sure that I will find the 'one' for me for the future, but it all made me feel a little less freakish. A tiny bit more confident. Slightly more prepared for when I do meet the next person, and have a relationship, and how that process will go, and how I will be. So that's been a good thing about this year.

I did a lot more cooking this year, and I rode my bike a lot more, though not nearly enough on either count. I ate a lot more vegetables which is good. I ate out a lot less- through necessity. I learned some basic guitar which I continue to work on and have enjoyed. I returned to sailing which I've also really enjoyed. I've read more books than I've seen movies, though not very many are shelf worthy.

I was in my first wedding party. I had three flatmates over the course of the year. My dad finally came to visit me. I've had really good friends leave London, some going farther than others. I've made new friends, though only time will tell if they are the long lasting sort. The long lasting friends I already had have (both near and far) continued to grow and develop and be the mainstay of what I consider my social life.

Some more friends had babies. And probably for the first time ever I considered that it will be really sad if this is something that never happens for me. But I didn't dwell on it too much.

And what about the year ahead? There is so much uncertainty in the future that it's difficult to make any sort of concrete goals. I should be getting my dual citizenship soon, so there's that to look forward to. Again, a nice and compact accomplishment that will be deeply satisfying. I hope to have my job situation under control. I hope to make a trip to Africa- not because I particularly want to go to Africa but because I have the opportunity to and when would I ever go otherwise? I'd like to say my relationship situation might find its way but I think the reality is that is less likely as opposed to more likely, and again I don't see the point in dwelling upon it. I will continue to live my life in a way that I hopefully find fulfilling and satisfying. Continue to learn and grow.

It's a strange thing to think that you could easily be halfway done with your life. And what do you have to show for it exactly? What's the legacy that you'll leave? These are the things I think about sometimes.

At any rate, here's to a good year. I can't begin to imagine now what it's going to be, but there's one thing I can be sure of, there's no way it's going to be boring.