25 October 2008

Without Direction

I think that my blogging may increase soon, seeing as how I suddenly have a lot of free time on my hands.

Friday was my last day at work.

Wednesday however, I managed to secure my indefinite leave to remain which means I was able to legally make Friday my last day of work, and that was all good. So I am legal to live here unemployed at the moment, which is better than being deported or a stick in the eye, I tell you.

This is probably one of very few times in my life where I have been without some good direction in terms of 'what happens next'. I have always generally had something to move towards or aim at. Now, I find that I am perhaps slightly at a loss. I know I want to be here (in the UK) at least for the next 12 months until I can get my citizenship. I know that I can support myself for maybe six months on my savings if I live like a frugal monk and pick up a little bit of this and that here and there. And I know that in all likelihood, I will be able to find a job within six months, and it will all be fine. Part of me is enjoying the idea of being able to do nothing- or knit, catch up on all my DVDs, go to the gym, cook, etc. In truth, I'm enough of a general homebody that it won't bother me too much to 'be at home' but part of me will feel the pressure, to be sure.

It's always been very important to me that I be able to support myself, and I am worried that I may not be able to, even though I know that I can for a little bit and it will probably be okay.

So that's what's going on around here. It's not very exciting or uplifting to be honest. I wish it was. I feel as though I was a very boring person before who was fixated on work and now I'm going to become even more boring because I will be doing my best to not save money and pass time. I mean, how boring is that? Although making stuff is always fun and entertaining, so I'm sure I'll start talking about that as soon as I start doing it. And of course there will be the intermittent job leads and interviews all here and there as well.

It's just really weird. I'm actually very detached from my emotions at the moment which is probably a good thing. A little bit like being in shock. It helps me get through it all without falling to pieces, but it makes it all seem like I'm living someone else's dream and nothing is very tangible or real.

I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon.

20 October 2008

Not Unexpected

But also not pleasant. I didn't get the job.

Now it's a mad rush to find any job at all. I'm trying to stay very focused on the things that I can control, and not let myself get swamped by all of the things I cannot control.

I contacted two new agents today, one of whom was enthusiastic (albeit, all for jobs I have zero actual interest in, but a job is a job at this point). I am still waiting to hear back from the company I emailed last week. I called today to confirm they received my CV, and he said they had, and he'd passed it along so was waiting to hear back before he got back in touch.

I also passed my details to my friend who works with one of the large international beastly corporations to see if she can get any takers there.

So all in all, not dead yet. Just not great.

So I have consoled myself with baked sugary treats. This recipe was not actually that difficult, there's just some time involved with the dough rising. But otherwise, I will so be making this one again. Yum yum.

17 October 2008

Obsessive Clicking

So right this very moment, all the interviews should be over and 'they' should be deciding who they are going to offer jobs to. Now I know they said they would likely not get in touch until Monday or Tuesday, but that does not stop me from feeling that I need to check my email and my phone about every 6.8 seconds. It's becoming a reflexive habit like breathing.




I mean, I know it's a pointless exercise- I probably won't hear until Tuesday and then I'm really not sure it's going to be good news. Still, just know that some people are sitting somewhere at this very moment and deciding your future is really nerve wracking.

Yesterday I had a moment of hope that there was another practice that might be interested in me. But since I haven't heard anything back from them today, that hope is also dwindling fast.






15 October 2008

Not Optimistic

That doesn't mean I'm out of the game, I just get the sense that maybe I wasn't exactly quite right, and lets face it, as I learned today, I came from a pool of over 200 applicants.

It's great that my CV and cover letter got me in the door for an interview.

It's fantastic that I made it through the first round to the second.

But I really don't know if I got the job or not. It's not that the interview went badly (and the presentation part went very well I thought), but it's clear that the position is 'management' and that they have some possible concerns that maybe I haven't done enough and maybe I'm not quite the right person given my mostly design based experience.

Or maybe they think that I bring skills that would be beneficial.

Really hard to get a read, and really hard to say, I just have this slightly off sense that maybe I didn't get it. It's not about me not being a good candidate, it's really just about whether I'm exactly the right candidate for this particular job.

Apparently they're interviewing on Friday as well, so they said I shouldn't expect to hear anything until Monday or Tuesday.

There won't be much to say until then.

13 October 2008


Still keeping things brief and work focused. No time for anything else.

Got the remaining pieces to make a 'suit' which cost about as much as my first interview outfit purchase. Horrifying but necessary. Watching my money circle rapidly down the drain.

Have done the presentation for friends- first time was way over at 17 minutes but second time was spot on at 9 minutes. Will do it again to myself probably tomorrow night and possibly also Wednesday morning to make sure I have it down pat.

The interview itself is Wednesday at 1. It's not that I don't think I have good skills or that I don't present well, it's just that I don't know what they're looking for really, and who else they might be interviewing. If my skills match what they're looking for, that's great, I may get the job. But if my skills aren't quite right, and someone else's are, then the job is not meant for me and I will be fucked with a huge fuck off F as there are currently no other jobs on the market.

Of course I'll have to do something, so I will beg my agent to find anything that I can be employed at which is remotely connected to my field. I'm hoping that it doesn't come to that- if I get this job, I'm going to have to take it because I don't have the option not to take it. But if I don't get the job, I'm going to need something. Anything. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, I'm just trying to be prepared, although I will be hugely disappointed and my stress will blossom like mold on soggy stale bread.

As per usual these laste few posts, there is nothing else to talk about. This is the only thing that's really on my mind.

09 October 2008

Creeping Doubt

What if I don't get this job?
There really aren't any other jobs around.
What if I don't get this job?
What if I don't get any job?
What if I don't get a job?


08 October 2008


All the hard work paid off and I made it through interview 1 with flying colors and was invited back for interview 2. Of course, no let up on the preparation- for this interview I'm asked to make a ten minute presentation on my management of a project. At least I have a week from today to prepare (but yes, I should start immediately).

Lots of stuff mulling about my head, but no time to think about it much. I have a good ability to work well under stress and not let myself get overly sidetracked by thoughts, though the downside to this is that I have no capacity for other thoughts or distractions. I am fairly focused on the tasks I need to accomplish and can't think of much else.

Which I think makes me tremendously boring company at the moment, if had time for company that is.

Some things to note in passing however, perhaps to return to later.

I got an email from Mr.Aloof. After two months of no contact. Pointless really, he wrote to say he was thinking of me, had wanted to be in touch and had been writing me things and then deleting them- and he hoped I was well. On the plus side, I was not thrown by this, I read it, I absorbed it, and I wrote back that it was not me keeping him from saying whatever he wanted to me. And that I could not speak to him while the past was unresolved- and by unresolved I meant that he had not made an effort to explain himself or apologize yet. He wrote something back to that, saying he agreed the past needed to be resolved, but made no other suggestions or comments, so I didn't respond to that and felt fine about it. I'll hear from him again at some point. My shrink suggests he is a person who finds it difficult to let go. Which seemed ironic to me.

Another strain of thought which I am likely to return to is this feeling that for me to move jobs just now requires me to 'grow up' somewhat. Dress smarter, take on more responsibility, evoke respect. I am giving up my comfortable office of which I have grown quite acclimated to and am unlikely to find as comforting a place out there. To me, this is a massive change or shift. It means becoming more of an adult than I have deigned to do until now. But it's not a choice. My level, the positions I am applying for, demand it. I cannot help but feel however, as a bird being kicked out of the nest. I'm sure I'll fly... but standing on the precipice is daunting, especially when you aren't given a chance to get your bearings and prepare on your own time.

And on the subject of 'being judged' as is the setting of any interview or job hunt, my insecurities flair horribly, so buried under all of my current efficiency is some severe self loathing and a growing desire to get back to the gym regularly. I don't really dwell on this, it's more like a side commentary to everything I do. Good thing I don't have a lot of time for it, it just sets my internal tone.

Oh yeah, and I'm really sort of angry at my office too for this whole mess, even though they are treating me as decently as possible throughout. In just a few short weeks, I'll never come to this place, or sit at this desk again. After 5 1/2 years, that's really hard to fathom.

Now I should actually get some work done, seeing as how I have a bunch of that to do at the moment as well.

03 October 2008

The Very Short Version

Life is getting out of hand I tell you. I have no time to do anything except the things I have to do. This means no blogging, no erotic art reviewing, not much cooking, not even much TV watching, and pretty much not much of anything else.

I am working up my new application because I have an appointment on the 22nd and I need everything in order for that. This means collecting and collating lots of financial information about myself. I also need a letter from work which is slightly worrisome, but they said they'll give it to me- I just want it in my hands.

Applied for a job on Wednesday which required me to put all my efforts into just getting my CV and projects pages ready to send out. That was a lot of work, but it seemed to have paid off because I've been asked in for a screening interview on Monday.

This requires me now to focus all of my attention on putting my portfolio together which is an awful lot of work, as well as printing out reports and things from the office so if I don't have as much of the portfolio as I'd like, or even if I do, I need to have finished examples of the sort of work I do, and really, I should have record copies for myself anyway.

My ears are still wonky but I went to the GP who said there isn't much to be done, just keep pinching my nose and blowing gently when I can to help clear the tubes which are inflamed and unhappy.

Also need to sit down with my passports today (the current and the previous) and work out every time I've left the country in the past five years, and where I went.

Sorry for being either boring or unresponsive, I tend to get like this when I'm stressed.

Regular service will resume.... sometime.