26 January 2007


Today's post is brought to you by the letter 'T'. I'm tired. It is the end of the week after all. But I don't have a full weekend ahead of me. Because I have to take a trip. On a train. This is for work, on Monday as I am representing my office as part of a team interviewing for work. Which is a good thing I suppose, if I was also getting the pay and respect that what I'm doing in my job should entail. But I'm not. So that's crappy. As usual. Of course, I should just do something about it, but that's another story entirely.

Tlsd and I just had some really tasty food last night. We'd been wanting to try this restaurant for ages, and while it was cold, it did not disappoint. We will be going back is all I have to say. Oh yes indeedy.

Tomorrow, I have a date. With a new guy, from the Internet of course. We've been exchanging email all week which has been interesting and good. I didn't find him on my kink-related site though, so that's a bit of a lingering question. Though I dropped enough clear hints in my profile on this site to at least allude to my interests. At any rate, it would be nice if that goes well, but even if it doesn't, we've had lots of good conversation for a week, so it's been a nice distraction.

Well, back to work. That's all for now folks.

15 January 2007


Work today has been a complete and utter struggle. Even yesterday I was barely able to allow the fact that I had to get up in the morning and go to work. It's not that my weekend was full and exciting, in point of fact, I don't remember doing very much at all, and then it was gone.

I also don't remember being excessively grouchy but was accused of it twice, which of course, made me grouchy. Since it's that time of the month, it's perfectly plausible, but still, I thought I was doing well and then get told I'm snappy and all it makes me feel is exceptionally snappy.

On Sunday I went to the London Fetish Fair which I hadn't originally intended on doing. I felt somewhat strongly that going to LAM the weekend before was something of a catalyst for my Mr.Aloof and partner anger and I really didn't want to make it worse. But then it turned out someone I had been chatting to online and had not met yet was going, and another friend of mine expressed interest in going to get some fetish clothes to be able to go out to some fetish clubs. So I decided to go in the end and came away with yet another corset (but it was half price!!) and a pair of earrings.

Still it wasn't all peaches and cream as this was where one person told me I was grouchy but on the other hand, this person is 16 years older than me and has decided that he's interested when I'm not. Now he said that was all fine, but based on his behavior yesterday, I wouldn't say he's fine at all. I'm well versed in passive aggressive and pestering behavior, and he was in fine form. On the plus side, there are no markets coming up any time soon, and I wouldn't see him otherwise. Still, this unfortunately set up a bad dynamic of conversation for when N whom I had never met before finally did arrive at the fair. I'm sure it scared him away really. But I can't decide if that's a bad thing or not at the moment, so it also probably doesn't matter.

I'm fairly sure that I'm going to take Friday off work. I'm just as sure that I'm going to be working my ass off late both tomorrow and Wednesday.

In other completely unrelated news, I've decided I'm quite fond of Ed Harcourt. I need more music.

14 January 2007

Working Through

For some reason I feel a bit set on autopilot these days. Which is a bit strange because my major project basically got handed in (though there are a few stray bits to finish up) and that was a massive burden. But new things have stepped in to taken the place of that responsibility, as they do. Studying for my next exams, new jobs, focusing on finding a new job possibly, etc etc.

Still, my point in this post today isn't an update, and it wasn't to talk about work. It was to talk about the irrational anger that I'm feeling from time to time these days, and the knowledge that it too will pass.

Basically it's a bit annoying that as part of the Mr.Aloof fiasco, I know who his current partner is, and she's frequently on a site that I'm on. So I can see when she's been on, I can read all her posts. And I've developed an irrational anger towards her, as an offshoot as my overwhelming anger at him. This is all a bit amusing I suppose because last week I felt nothing and this week I feel angry. But that's normal. I've been here before. Wanting to get rid of all the bile and knowing you can't, so it bubbles up occasionally until it settles down forever. I felt this way about P and I felt this way about E, and now I feel this way about Mr.Aloof and eventually I will feel nothing at all, permanently.

Still, it's a bit annoying to be possessed by such rage. It's the purging of the old good feelings through their reinterpretation as bad. What is that old saying? The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I'll get there. I'm not intending to contact him or talk to him. This will pass. Just need to work through....

04 January 2007


Seems to be something I do with frequency. Not for money. Oh no. What would be the point of that? I tend to gamble with deadlines and time. And occasionally I gamble with being caught.

First, time. Last night I should have worked late. I knew I should have worked late, and yet, I could bring myself to do no such thing. It wasn't even an internal debate. I stayed about a half an hour late, and then as if through no will of my own, turned off my computer, got up, snatched my coat, and hurried out the door. Now this was not the best idea because I needed to do work. Work that needed to be done today, so that it could go to print tonight. Having attempted to do the actual work today, I realize that even had I stayed last night, I would have not been in any better situation today really.

Still, I didn't know that last night. And today has been panic and stress, and hard work. Even now, it's 7pm and I will be here an hour or two yet- I think. And there is still one more intensive drawing to complete and a lengthy application form to fill in. Gamble. It will be okay. But it's all close to the wire.

Caught. A strange and recurrent theme in my fantasies, and yet not something I ever think I enjoy in real life. I do not think of myself as someone who thrills at the chance of being caught. And yet, I am about to say something I may regret, because it could be found. Though I did that once before and I suppose it turned out alright, though to this day it still burns me some if I think about it.

Mr.Cheese wrote me some email today. Mostly naughty. And what do I think of this? In the midst of our exchange I pointed out that flirting with someone you told wasn't your choice wasn't quite right, not to mention if he was starting something up with someone new I was sure she wouldn't appreciate him having such conversations with me. At which point he countered that he wasn't pursuing things with that girl anymore. But still, I got told I wasn't good enough, and a girl doesn't forget these things really. Silly I guess, because had he said nothing at all, who would be the wiser? It's just that he did say something and I'm not sure I can go backwards and forget that didn't happen. It's simply not worth it for just naughty flirting. And to be fair, I'm still a bit disappointed about it.

One thing I'm not disappointed about however, are my current feelings in regards to Mr.Aloof. Communication has been poor since the incident, which is not unexpected or worrisome. However, what is interesting is how I feel about it. I feel nothing. They say that it takes you half the time you were with someone in order to be over them. If that's in any way true, I've just hit that point in my relationship/non-relationship with Mr.Aloof, even if our time post-together included a hook-up. I think about him and I just feel slightly irritated, a bit sad that he's such a miserable person, and basically nothing else. I have no motivation to contact him. I don't want to see him. In a way, this makes me sad, that I don't have the rush that came with those feelings once upon a time. But in the big picture, this is probably progress and puts me in a better place to really be looking for someone new who is the right one for me.

The last one wasn't a gamble. That was just extra musing.

02 January 2007

Dear Herndon Reader

Out of curiosity, do I know you? You certainly check in here with an alarming degree of frequency for someone who never posts a comment. A blast from the past or just a random infatuation? Feel free to say hello some time. Or, you know, just keep reading...

New Year, Same Old Sh*t

I'm not really in the mood for reflection. For someone who spends most of their life in reflection, a time of year dedicated to the topic seems rather redundant. But seeing as how I'm back at work, with a million things to do and not as much motivation to do it as I'd like, let me take this opportunity to update on things going on 'round here.

My break was overall good, though of course not long enough. I had three days of relaxing before my relatives arrived. Of course, my relatives were easy houseguests, but still, two houseguests means that your relaxing time is curtailed a bit, and you need to make sure they are happy and enjoying themselves. Which wasn't really a hardship, it just also wasn't exactly a 'vacation'.

But we got to do some fun things. Spent a day at the Sanctuary which was really very pleasant and enjoyable. And we saw Avenue Q which was really funny. Also saw the modern Swan Lake which was good- plus it was the first time I'd been to Sadler's Wells, so that was cool too. Ate at lots of good places, of course!

Otherwise, work looks to be full on this week- as the never ending project is supposedly due on Friday. So that will be some late nights of getting the shit together. Though it doesn't look to be too bad at the moment, I'm sure that I'm missing something and it will get worse and worse in terms of time. It always does.

Life is not very different this week as it was a couple weeks ago. I think I need some excitement of some kind or another. Preferably the good kind.