27 July 2011

When You Know You Know

So I thought that Mr English was coming around tonight and we'd go get some dinner and fool around before he went home. Except I haven't heard from him. In fact I haven't heard from him at all since he left here on Sunday. I just sent him a text to see if I was mistaken- maybe he thought we were meeting tomorrow. But I know we said Wednesday. So it's Wednesday and he's not here and he's being all quiet.

I'm annoyed and this is why I know that things are not right between us. Actually I suppose there are many indications. Lets start with the fact that we haven't communicated at all since he left here. That's not really good is it? I mean, when you're dating someone, especially early on, should you not want to talk to them and be in touch with them? It's not that I had anything pressing to say to him that I didn't. I just had nothing to say to him so I didn't. And I sort of assume that's the same in reverse. Actually I don't feel good or bad about this, it's more just fact. It doesn't upset me that I haven't had anything to say to him, or him me, but objectively, I think it's not a promising sign.

And ultimately I'm still plagued by the thinking that we aren't long term lifestyle compatible. He wants a quiet country life and I want an urban one. He would be happy to stay in the Cambridge area forever, and I want to live in other countries again and may want to live in the States again at some point. He likes outdoor activities like serious hiking and I just don't. When he was here on Sunday I asked him why he hadn't dated one of his flatmates- a good friend of his who goes on these epic hiking trips and seems to share many lifestyle patterns. He said they did have a period of mad shagging but ultimately she didn't want kids so now they're just friends. So I do want kids and would love to be in a settled relationship, but all the rest of our stuff doesn't match up. It's like what would be best for him is my best qualities and her best qualities combined, but maybe neither one of us is quite right.

And of course I'm deflecting from my own reflection by thinking of him. What he wants. What would be best for him. I'm sort of avoiding being direct about myself. But it's sort of the same. I am intrigued that I have met a guy who really is ready to settle and commit but I can also see that it's not quite right. I want to live in a city. My career may mean that I move around until I'm really ready to settle. I don't want to be dependent on a car. I don't want to have a garden (at least, not a very big one). I can also see that if I was madly in love with someone, I would start to give up these things. I know I would. For someone I was head over heels for I would let myself and my desires start to dissolve. Not that it's a good thing- but it also shows me that while I very much like Mr English, I know I'm not in love with him. And I don't think he's in love with me. It's been over 4 months now really, if it were going to happen, I think it would have.

So I know. I know that I know. But I feel awful about it. Because in many ways I'm incredibly fond of Mr English. I don't really want this to be the case- that it's 'not right'. Yet it seems so very clear that it's so. I don't know how to have the conversation with him because when I see him we have a good time and it's fun and nice so it seems contrary to just bring up something unpleasant.

I'm sure that this is going to resolve itself. There isn't any reason for me to stress and worry and angst over it. But I do. It's just how I am I guess.

As yet another objective side note, in the whole time I've been working on this post, he's still not texted back. That's very odd, isn't it? Sometimes I think I should avoid relationships all together. They're too much bloody hassle.

26 July 2011

Unnecessary Proof

This week I am house and dog sitting for my supervisor. Her family lives in a listed cottage on the outskirts of Fulbourn by Cambridge. I arrived Friday afternoon and it is only Tuesday. I'm here until Sunday. So far I have learned a lesson I already knew, and have added something new. First, I am not meant to live in the countryside. It's awful. It's boring. It's too quiet. It's car dependent. It's far away. Honestly. I don't understand why anyone would aspire to this lifestyle. It probably doesn't help that I'm not very outdoorsy. So Just sit in this cottage thankfully with Internet and a large plasma screen and leave 3x a day to walk the dog.

That's the other thing I've learned. Maybe I don't ever want to own a dog. What a nuisance. I suppose if you could let your dog out to poop in a yard, then that would be different. And I believe that this family does actually let their dog out to poop in the yard- they don't walk it 3 times a day. But they've asked me to walk it three times a day and oh yes, not to leave it alone for anything more than four hours. I feel trapped.

Even though it's only less than 5 miles from Cambridge the bus takes 40 minutes. I could cycle of course, although that would probably take 30 minutes and then I'd be sweaty and have helmet hair. No, it's better than I just stay out here. Sitting in the house. Peering out the window. Occasionally walking the dog.

Mr English continues to be a diversion, although one I should think about ending. I was in fact thinking about ending it before he came over to visit me here on Sunday. But then we ended up fooling around and it was fun and all thoughts of breaking with him drifted. But I know it's coming close. Although there are certain things we both want- there are important things where we disagree about future goals and desires. Mainly that he thinks this cottage is the ideal place to live and I think it's hell. I don't see how this can be reconciled. I think I would be willing to make huge sacrifices for someone I was madly in love with. But although I am incredibly fond of Mr English, I am not in love with him. And I don't think I'm going to fall in love with him at this rate. This means I am extremely unwilling to consider much compromise in terms of what I want out of my future and life. Primarily this is living in a big city and also that my professional career might mean I get to move around a bit (and actually that sounds appealing to me, so it's not like a hardship in any way). I hate having to split with people though. It makes me feel bad.

I'm submitting an abstract for another conference paper. One that will hopefully motivate me to jump start my own academic research for my PhD. I work better with deadlines, which was sort of a known thing. So this conference sounds perfect. Submit the abstract by the end of the week, and if it's accepted (which I really hope it is) then the full paper will be due in October which gives me from now until then to get my fucking work done. It really wouldn't be an issue at all if there wasn't additional work for my research group vaguely hanging over my head. If that was completely gone, then I'd feel okay. But knowing that's lurking there is unsettling. It's still going to be a hard slog of work to make this deadline, but I figure it's the kick in the ass that I seriously need at this point.

Last, while the rest of the world suffers under a heat wave, I'm sorry to say that it's cold and dreary here in England. This means the one benefit to being out in this cottage- that they have a seasonal above ground pool, is completely useless so far. Figures.

02 July 2011

Knackered Knee and Other Things

Yesterday I did something awful to my knee. I wasn't doing anything special or unusual- I was squatting to look into my oven while I was roasting and baking things. I went to stand up and my knee felt completely wrong and out of joint and bordering on extremely painful. Then it all seemed to click back into place but only with some discomfort. Today it feels weak and stiff at the same time. Almost like it needs to crack or something, but it's not doing it. I had wanted to go to the gym this morning but that might not be a good idea. Maybe I'll see when the pool is open for adult swimming instead, that could be good.

I've had a very busy and stressful week. I spent a lot of it running all over the place and doing things. This is alright in some ways because I enjoy most of the things I run around to do, but it is tiring. Thursday saw me rushing from a meeting in London to Kings Cross to get on a train to Cambridge for a meeting there. As I was up there, I decided to see Mr English which was alright but just one more thing and also I don't sleep as well on his bed. So yesterday when I finally got home, I ended up napping for a few hours. I think lack of sleep the night before and the general business of my week just caught up with me.

It's Saturday now and tomorrow I am up to Cambridge for the week. As usual I don't really want to go. This week it's particularly acute because I was just there. But it doesn't matter how I feel about it because I'm just going to go on and get on with things.

In other news I had my first paper accepted to a conference. This means that I am published. It also means I get a little holiday to Bologna in September. This is exciting. Attending the conference should be fun. Being published is cool. But I need to get on top of finalizing all the details and registration asap. Just something else to add to the list.

My friend S and his boyfriend are leaving the country for a long time in just a few days. I'm trying not to be sad about this. Part of me feels like my friend circle is shrinking and closing in. Or more that my immediate friend circle is doing so- I'm not actually losing these friends, they're just less accessible in a day to day way. I am meeting new people in my life, but it does take time for acquaintances to become friends. I have many acquaintances at the moment, but maybe I feel I'm losing the closeness of good friends. Even the ones remaining seem to have plans to go away. I know that things move on, and I know that I am also happy with many aspects of my life, but it doesn't make me less sad to see these people go.