30 May 2005

Three Day Weekend

See, this is how life should be. The three day weekend is the ideal amount of time to accomplish what needs to be done in a normal 'weekend'. One day for resting, one day for chores, and one day for enjoyment and activities. Now me, I spent Saturday sleeping and feeling ill. Sunday, S came over and I cooked yummy food (we were supposed to go to Kew Gardens, but as I was still feeling rather shitty, S just came over and I cooked us good food instead). And today C and I made huge progress on things that I had been leaving 'to get done' in my flat. The downstairs is now pretty much all put away and cleared (if you don't count my massive amount of accumulated shit on the shelves in the lounge). All the boxes to go to the charity shop are gone, all the pictures are hung. Things that were sitting around have been put away or places have been found for them. And then I spent the rest of the day doing work for my upcoming teaching in Wales.

Now, I don't really want to go to work tomorrow, but it's not all that bad. A four day week? A weekends worth of accomplishments and rest under my belt? This is the life I tell you.

29 May 2005

@#!&?&*@!? Crazy Frog

What the hell is wrong with people? If you do not live in the UK, you may not be aware of the madness that is 'the crazy frog'. Now I don't understand this madness on two counts.

First of all, although I live and work in a more chav-central part of London, and have heard many ringtones- of varying degrees of horrible, I have NEVER, EVER heard anyone with a crazy frog ringtone. So this makes me wonder, who are the people that are purchasing this idiotic thing?

And second, if no one is really purchasing it, then why is it on television every five minutes??? Well, I suppose the answer is that someone out there must be buying it, but who? Who are these people so that I could take their mobile phones and stomp on them repeatedly before ramming them into the orifice of my choosing?

die frog die

28 May 2005

A New Master

I shift on the couch, trying to find comfort.
My body sore, my skin hot.
I sip water through parched lips.
I acquiesce and slowly climb the stairs to the bedroom.
Hot skin on cold sheets.
I submit-
to sleep.

I hate having a cold.

Especially on a bank holiday weekend!

That's a Saturday wasted. *sigh*
(I did manage to make to the market before my day was wasted... so not a total loss!)

(I want my American drugs...... *wah*)

27 May 2005


What a miserable day. I managed to drink a 1.5 liter bottle of evian by just past lunch. I've chugged four more large glasses of water throughout the day. It's hot and sticky. My throat is killing me. I managed to see my GP to take care of my third thing and have spent a chunk of change on drugs and such. C and D were home this evening, and while they did share their meal with me, the house is a bit of a tip. That'll be fun tomorrow.

I just want to be well and be cool and live in a house that magically cleans itself. That's not too much to ask, is it?

Morning Jumble

Last night went to Hackney Central with C and her boyfriend D. Last time I went with T, about a week and a half ago, it was the worst meal I have ever had there. Shockingly poor. So I was a bit nervous about trying it again so soon. However, the quality is back. So that was good. It was nice to spend time with C and more properly meet D. Since she's moved in I've really barely seen her. A bit odd that.

This morning I awoke before my alarm. My throat was killing me. I hoped this was because I had been snoring or something and breathing through my mouth, which happens from time to time. But no, it would appear I have the beginnings of a cold. I do not wish to have a cold. Not that anyone ever does. My brain feels a bit fuzzy. I really hope it's not going to be a bad one.

Of course it's bad timing as well, though, is it ever good timing to get a cold? But just before the long weekend.... well, I hope that I am healthy by Wednesday. Mr.Aloof is back from Vienna and promises me that we are going to meet up, and a whole lot more. I'm not going to believe it until it happens, but I would be lying if I didn't admit to having hope. I just try to keep expectation to a minimum. Life is less depressing that way.

I'm supposed to meet up with S over the weekend. If I feel like total shit I'm not going to want to go anywhere. If I feel alright, I would like to get to Kew Gardens to see the Chihuly exhibit. Chihuly is one of my favorite modern artists and the exhibit looks as though it could be really spectacular. Plus, shamefully, I've not been to Kew yet, even though I've lived here for over two years. I've sent other people when they have come to visit and I have been at work. That's sad, isn't it?

Well, TGIF and all that. Sick or not, I am seriously looking forward to a three day weekend. Of course I know what will happen- it will be over before I know it and I'll be stuck back here at work. Always the way.

26 May 2005


40 minutes until utter shame.

My office is a good size architecture practice. We have around 80-100 employees. As part of ongoing education, we have CPD lunches (I believe this stands for something like 'Continuing Professional Development'). Sometimes these lunches are hosted by outsiders who want us to specify their products. Sometimes they are 'in-house' to cover additional topics.

My 'department' (it's hard to call five people a department) is supposed to give a CPD about how the work we do (urban design) can be integrated with the rest of the office. What we do, why it's important. Blah blah blah.

I was nominated to set this up. In the process, everyone became aware of the lecture I give for my UEL work which is a basic introduction to the principals of urban design. So someone had the good idea that I should present it to my team as a starting point for discussion about the CPD we are going to give to the office.

It is one thing to lecture basic principals to a group of non-professionals and another thing entirely to tell this to people who should have had the same education that I've had, and who also do this work every friggin day. I'm going to look like a moron.

Please someone, just shoot me now.

25 May 2005

NHS gripe

In principal, I really like the concept of the NHS. Healthcare is vital to society, and no one should be denied their health because of financial reasons or status. My flatmate C is a doctor. I have general respect for the UK system. I'm friends with a bunch of doctors. I'm saying these things because I am not one of those people to rant about NHS care. I've grown up in another system which I am more accustomed to, but I don't think the NHS is that bad, and there are some things I think work better.


One of the things I do not like is the idea that your GP has an imposed limit on the amount of time they have to see you. In fact, your GP likely has all of ten minutes to handle whatever it is you came in for. Which, all things considered, is really not very much time.

Now, coming from the system I come from, where you have to pay to see your doctor, what tends to happen is that you 'save' your ailments. I mean, why rush to the doctor for one small thing? That would be ridiculously expensive. When something comes along you can't ignore, you tend to just bring along all your other questions and tackle it in one fell swoop.

I have now been told off by two GP's for doing this. Today I went to my GP and said, "I know you're not really going to be happy but I have three things I need".

His response? "I'm sorry, I can only tackle two out of the three."


Of course, the two things he tackled were nothing. Like, "Oh, that's interesting, nothing we can do to help you, it'll probably clear up eventually on it's own." The one thing I probably need a referral for? Need to make another appointment.


24 May 2005

Danger Danger

It's not a good idea to encourage people I know to web sleuth me. Luckily, this blog is pretty much hidden from the usual routes of sleuthing. You'd have to be a dedicated sleuth to know enough about me, which keywords to hit, and then you might find it.

Still, I have given two people directions to other sites, which, if they scrutinized, could lead them here. Perhaps not the smartest idea. I suppose I'll learn to live with it. I mean, to be fair, no one I know web sleuths like I do. Well, one person I vaguely know. But no one else.

I'm probably safe.

I'd hate to have to limit what I write.

23 May 2005

At the End of the Day

It amazes me that I seem to schedule most of my social life after work. It's amazing because after working all day I am so completely wiped, that all I want to do is go home and vegetate in front of the television. The reality is, this isn't what normally happens- and usually I end up out meeting someone to go do something or another.

As I sit and painfully wait for the clock to roll to six o'clock, I must remember that I am not going straight home. I am meeting with S to go over what we need to do for our course. I teach on an MSc course in June and July. Did it for the first time last year. We need to now review what we did last year, make any changes, and get stuff ready for next month. I haven't even booked my train tickets yet. I should really get on that.

Not to mention, I need to prepare a lecture for the July one. I'm giving the same lecture that I gave last year in June, but need to create an entirely new lecture for July. Crap. That's stressful. So much to do! And all I want to do is go home. My sofa is calling to me! Can't you hear it?

Cooking Experiment 2

So this is what it looks like when I make my little pizzas. Under the cheese is some portobello mushroom, grilled red onion, capers, tomato sauce, and some seasoning. YUM. I am so going to make someone a good wifey. Ha ha ha ha ha.

my pizzas Posted by Hello

22 May 2005

Sunday Disappointments

Well, I'm not at all disappointed that I've got four lovely personal pizzas in the oven. Damn but they do look tasty.

What is a bit sad is that T has a migraine so won't be coming over for pizza and we are not off to see a film. So this begs the question. Do I go by myself? I think I should, I think I should, I think I should..... I'm not sure that the film will be out much longer and I really want to see it. If I don't go, I probably won't see it. I need to leave here at seven. I need to put some other clothes on.

It's not like when you go to a movie you talk to anyone. And I DID say that I wanted to be getting out and doing more things. But trekking all the way to Leicester Square to see this movie and back on a Sunday night when I have work tomorrow? Oh fuck.. you only live once! Lets see if I can get my shit together and get to this movie!

21 May 2005

Journal Jealousy

Link to link to link to link. Following from the semi-secret site, I find the work of Audrey Kawasaki. I like her work, but am actually completely smitten with her journals. From her portfolio link, choose 'doodles'. From her blog, I found James Jean and his sketchbooks. Why the hell can't I journal like that? My journals are so neat and orderly filled with precise letters. I try to make a drawing for each entry but it's always weak, whereas these are bold. Like my blog here, I want an image for every post. I think in images, my mind is alive with visualization. But my talent falls short of my imagination. I know that drawing is lots of practice. I think what I need though, is practice in being bold.

Helsinki Perversion 2

More photos I took of things I found entertaining in Helsinki. They were on S's camera, hence the delay.

Really, if you can't see the humor, I can't help you.


A nights sleep, a new perspective. Fucked up people have fucked up lives. I must remind myself this when I think about M or about P. Their shade of crazy deserves exactly the lives they are leading. Why? Because they aren't sane. And maybe it's useful that they both still live in Baltimore. Makes them easy to avoid in life.

Who are these twats that posted on my blog last night? A bible thumper and a porn maker. I must have made it into the 'next blog' lineup. Intelligent commentary appreciated. Spouting off for your own agenda? Thrash-worthy. It's not like anyone comes here much to even read your bullshit! Morons.

Mr.Aloof is asking the 'what do I want from all this' question. He just comes back out of nowhere and is asking me this now?? Mr.Ball and I had a good quick chat last week but he's really busy so we still have no plans to meet up. Mr.Noshow has dropped off the face of the planet. Probably in shame for blowing his second chance. Whatever. I'm currently occupied with Mr.Aloof and Mr.Ball but STILL NO ONE IN MY BED. Motherfuckers.

Off to Broadway Market this morning. Meeting up with T as per usual and also possibly K who works with us as well. I think I'm going to make pizzas again today. Those were so damn tasty last week.

Going to see a Korean remake of Dangerous Liaisons on Sunday and have tickets to see Star Wars on Tuesday. I haven't seen a movie in ages. I'm really looking forward to both.

20 May 2005

Web Sleuthing

Serves me fucking right. I have a knack for finding things on the web. Some of my friends call me a web stalker. I wouldn't go that far, but I have a gift for association. For making leaps of understanding. This allows me a perhaps above average ability to find things on the web by coming up with keyword variations.

Five years ago... wait, no six years ago I had a falling out with a guy I lived with, P. This was actually a huge major shift in my life. Not only did I fall out with P, but fell out with my best friend of eight years at the same time. My life was torn asunder, without warning. I put it all back together, but I carry the scars.

For six years I have had no word of P. M, my ex-best friend whom I have mentioned before, was easy to web stalk. I found her online journal. I read of her marriage. I saw the photos. I read about her ongoing eating disorders and the fact that her husband turned out to be an alcoholic with liver failure. I sleuthed my way into even finding out she was in contact with an ex boyfriend and contemplating an affair. Web stalking her was simple. But not P. He vanished as if he had never existed. I found trace of him once, because he passed his CPA exam in Maryland. And even that record vanished. There was nothing.

Then, moments ago, I decided to sleuth again. I find a link to a synagogue in Baltimore. He, and the woman he hooked up with at the time when things between us fell apart are apparently still together. Probably married from the look of the announcement. Their 'daughter' is getting b'not mitzvah (really her and her dead husbands daughter- the one she was cheating on with P when he was living in my house). I think I harbored a wish or blind understanding that karma dictated things had gone to shit for him. Because he deserved it for being such a tosser. But now I sleuthed my way into finding out that things didn't go how I thought. I'm not pleased. I harbor latent hatred and a desire for vengeance. The rabid bitch inside me wishes something terrible had happened to him.

Fuck. That'll teach me to go sleuthing. Can you feel the hatred emanating from the screen? *seethe*

Fatter than Gracie

My good friend S has a cat named Gracie. Gracie is one fat cat. When she stands up, it's surprising that her feet touch the ground, or that her belly isn't rubbed bare from it. I saw this image recently- and decided I had to steal it to have it here. It's not Gracie, but when I told S that Gracie looked like a cat-hair cushion with a cat head and legs sticking out of it, I didn't know that another one existed. My humor is twisted. I make no excuses.

19 May 2005


I am irritated today by my pubes.

I've not settled into a particular groomed look. And anyway, different partners have different preferences for grooming. Which, if you are the sub in a bdsm relationship, you get not so much say in how yours will be.

It's not something I generally mind. It's easy enough to change and I like that one can have different 'looks'. Whatever.

The problem however, is the transition time between styles. Specifically going from bald to anything other than bald. It fucking itches. As it just starts to grow, it itches, then you get a respite, then about a week later the little hairs are just long enough to be poking you in all the wrong ways. Just a bit longer and they'll lay properly, but there's a mid point when they just jab you as you move about.

I am currently at this point. I suppose I could get rid of them again, but keeping yourself completely shaved is a pain the ass, particularly if there isn't anyone else around to enjoy it. As discussed previously, I'm lazy. If I'm not getting any appreciation out of it, I'm not going to go through the hassle. So I'd rather get through this pokey stage and just keep it all neat and trimmed. Until someone else wants it another way.

However, the itching is driving me nuts. I'm tempted to get rid of it, but I'd just have to do this all over again. ARGH.

17 May 2005


Every place I have lived has had something unique to it in regards to the weather. Some special thing that gives you a sense of place.

When I lived in St. Louis, what I loved were the thunderstorms that rolled into the city. Massive clouds with thunder that you could hear echoing for miles. I would lay in bed and the world would explode with thunder and lightening all through the night. And I loved it.

In New Orleans you cannot escape the heat and humidity. But in the summer, the afternoon rain was rather special. Like clockwork, after lunch, the air vibrating before you with tangible heat, suddenly, the skies would open and cool rain would fall in fat sloppy drops, drenching everything. An hour later, that moisture would seem more foe than friend as it fueled the relentless humidity. But still, it was a welcome daily break. Especially since I was working outdoors.

Here, in London, what is most notable about the weather is how much it changes. I think Americans have picked up the expression 'to talk about the weather' and to us it means a sense of boredom or lack of interest in some way. Because in the States, there is very little to talk about, when one talks about the weather. Newscasters can give accurate forecasts (most of the time) about not only what the entire day of weather will be, but often the next five days. You know what to wear, whether to have an umbrella. It's simple.

But not here. Here the weather is a fickle companion. Changing wildly and unexpectedly throughout the day. You cannot prepare for what may happen. Layers and an ever present umbrella are a necessity. And then there are the clouds. I have never seen such skies as I see in London. Like some painting that is trying too hard- the clouds here often seem like some Disney film creation. An ever changing show of depth and volume, light and color.

You can honestly talk about the weather here for quite a long time. Without being bored.

16 May 2005

Imagine All the People

Recently I have been thinking about online communities. I belong to a couple. There are people I have never met whom I talk to or just read about. And I have found recently that I assign an image of what I think they are like in my mind. I don't think this is abnormal. I think everyone does it. We three dimensional flesh and blood creatures were not made truly to exist on cyber planes. And so we use reference points that allow us to ground ourselves. And it doesn't matter that these created points may be drastically incorrect.

One of my favorite photographers is one such person. Seeing as how he posts images of himself on his own blog, it is not that I do not know what he looks like. But an image is static. How one reacts and moves and sounds is not something that can be conveyed in an email or a still image.

Yet I find my mind has supplied these ghostly details. As I find it does for others as well. My world is populated by a selection of people who do not exist. Who have never existed. They are my own creations based on a reflection of something real.

How odd.

15 May 2005

Pizza Pizza

Another unproductive day. *yawn*

Yoga was good. Every time I go I think to myself, I should do more yoga. You know what? I should do more yoga.

I just made some pizza dough because I am making homemade personal pizzas for C and T tonight as T is coming around to watch Alias. We are up to episode 15 of season one. Two more seasons to go, and I haven't bought season four yet. I've only seen one and two. Season three is new to me, as it was aired the year I left the states.

I'm rather excited about making these pizzas. I've been in a cooking sort of mood. Perhaps I'll take a picture of the finished product. Made with yummy things from Broadway Market. Vegetarian of course, for C.

I don't really want to do my laundry. I don't really want to hang pictures in the kitchen and lounge. I really don't feel like cleaning, anyway C is sleeping so the vacuum is out. I don't want to change the sheets on my bed. I don't really want to go to work tomorrow. I certainly don't want to go do a consultation in Brixton tomorrow.

You know what I do want though? I want some pizza!


I was saying to C yesterday that I tend to find that my weekends are lazy and my socializing happens during the week. It's just so nice to actually be home and do nothing. Of course there is always laundry and cleaning to do- and by the time I go to Broadway market on Saturdays and yoga class on Sundays, I just don't always feel like doing much of anything else. As I have tackled before, this is because I think I am inherently lazy.

However, I actually feel fairly productive having gone to the market and yoga class on the weekends. It seems strange to me that I have really taken to yoga. I remember in high school when we had a time of gym class when we were doing yoga. All I can remember about it now was that we were supposed to be learning about breathing and meditation which centered on the infamous 'Ohm'. I was struck by an inescapable fit of the giggles. We all sat there facing a mirror and I could see everyone's face making the laughter inducing 'Oh' shape. I tried to close my eyes and concentrate on not laughing which only made me laugh all the more. I (and a couple of infected gigglers) were asked to leave the room.

So I never gave much more thought to yoga, seeing as how I couldn't manage to take it very seriously. But I became a somewhat regular gym attendee and class taker and yoga kept popping up. On television, in magazines- the benefits were touted everywhere and I thought I must really be missing something. So I decided to give it a try. And wouldn't you just know it, I really enjoyed it. I even managed to 'Ohm' without cracking a smile (granted I kept my eyes firmly closed from the start). I don't do yoga nearly enough which makes me sad because unless I can bring myself to practice it 3x a week or so, I will never much improve my flexibility. But I am happy to keep it at the level it's at, with the hopes that I can bring myself to go on a Monday or Wednesday night at some point. It's just that Mondays are scheduled for consultations in Brixton from now until god knows when and Wednesday is a classic night for going out- that is if I'm not exhausted at the end of the day and just wanting to stare at my television mindlessly.

Still, I really like yoga. Wish I could do more of it. And am glad that I manage (most of the time) to get myself there on a Sunday.

14 May 2005

In the Air

Men frustration. Three of them. Each with their own unique issue. Mr.Noshow, Mr.Aloof, and Mr.Ball.

Two days ago, Mr.Ball accused me of wanting a 'Relationship' (note the capital R). I should point out that Mr.Ball and I have had one face to face date, that involved getting a bit naughty on a street corner and in no way have discussed things like... what we are looking for from all this. And yet all of the sudden I am being treated warily, as though I am here to steal his soul. We have no plans to even see each other again. Shouldn't we do that before getting all freaked about what it means?

Yesterday, I got an email from Mr.Aloof. This is the first contact I have had from him in over two weeks which was one tiny text that was two weeks after having heard from him. In fact, the reality is, we have not really been in contact for four weeks and I was on the verge of deleting all email from him. Now, I am glad to hear from him, but four weeks ago things were moving forward and the fact is, he's having some sort of midlife crisis and I just don't know how I factor into that right now at all. So I guess he's around, but on hold.

And since Wednesday, when I was supposed to meet Mr.Noshow out for drinks, and he of course cancelled, I haven't heard a peep. Granted I was probably not as nice as I could have been- but after not showing up for a booty call on the weekend and in addition bagging drinks mid-week when the reality is, this is his SECOND CHANCE at everything and is coming up sorely lacking....

So what is a girl to do? Mr.Ball would have no recourse to my discussions with Mr.Noshow with whom, in better times, I discussed at great length what I was looking for. A fuck-buddy, a weekly shag, a no-strings sort of commitment from someone who can give me what I want and with whom I generally get along and have a good time. What the hell is so horrid or disturbing about that sort of offer that a guy in his right mind who professes to be looking for the same wouldn't jump on top and hang on for dear life? Or is it that they just don't believe me? Or is it that it's not actually what they're looking for? I mean, I wouldn't say no to a Relationship, if one crossed my path, but to start with? I just want some regular fun for a while. That's all. Why is it so goddamn hard to find?

In the meantime, I am getting a whole lot of grief and absolutely no nookie. It is so fucking frustrating. Three men in the air, and none in my bed. Fucking fuckity fuck.


So I should get my ass to the gym right now. That would be enough time to work out, come home and shower, and meet up with T to go to Broadway Market. And I need to get cash before I go this time, not like last week.

But the postman was knocking on the door this morning because C's Amazon package was just slightly too large to fit through the door slot. She's on a week of nights so I had to come down and get the door. Who thinks that it's alright to knock on anyone's door on the weekend at 8:30? For that matter, why is the postman working so early? Is anyone really up to care if they have their mail yet?

My skin is still really dry. I'm so fed up with it at the moment and I'm running out of drugs, not that they seem to be doing much. Looks like next week I'll be going to my GP to try and get a dermatology referral. I've not tried to move into higher realms of doctoring in this country yet- well, aside from that emergency call in to the hospital at new years, but perhaps I'll post about that another time. It's just that my skin condition is chronic. There isn't anything new that they are going to tell me. Perhaps they will switch up my drugs and maybe something will work better for a while. But I'm still going to get horrible dry red itchy skin patches on my hands and face and they are going to make me feel horrible in a physical sense and horrible in a how I look sense which honestly no girl needs.

And to top off my latest skin woes, my eye decided to swell up for no apparent reason. It did that the last night we were in Helsinki, I woke up and my eye was completely swollen and gross. It went away on it's own but then the night before last it happened again (though thankfully not as bad). I looked up on the web what to do and it says hot compresses. So I did that a bit last night but have not looked in a mirror yet today. It feels better today but if I look in a mirror and my eye looks gross I'm just going to start off my day depressed.

Not my eye, but you get the idea. ARGH.

13 May 2005


I am not really prepared to write this post. Hopefully I can find what I want on the internet and link it in. But this post has been brewing for a long time. Toilets. We all use them. A modern living necessity, the benefits of plumbing. It's funny, what you notice when you live in another country. What you miss. And I my friends, miss my toilet.

American toilets are far superior to anything I have yet to experience (except perhaps Japanese toilets which I may write on at another time) and particularly superior to British toilets. I can break this down into two very simple points. First, when dealing with a removal system, gravity is your friend. Second, swirling suction action works far better than trying to push anything slippery with a jet of water action.

Lets look at this in section:

This is actually an example of a 'low-flow' toilet, which works because it uses swirling suction action and gravity. The suction helps to pull any items in the toilet past the initial trap and gravity ensures that it all keeps dropping down. Please note the exit point for all refuse is DOWN.

This is even more useful when used in a large building flush-valve situation:

When you flush one of these babies, you know it's going to work. The standard 'toilet flush' noise often used as a sound clip is always a flush-valve toilet. Powerful stuff. Also note relative position of 'down' drain to bowl.

Now I haven't been able to find a section image of a UK toilet. Probably because it's embarrassing. Mainly, they don't drain through the floor. They push everything out the back into the wall. I mean, all you have to do is consider gravity in this, and you realize that you are automatically dealing with an inferior flush. Add to that, that instead of intelligent swirling action which assists in sucking everything down the hole, UK toilets use a system of water jets that try to shove anything of importance towards the drain. This often results in 'floaties'. Don't get me started on limescale either and how that can mess up the 'jet' action (really, 'jet' isn't appropriate... more like, 'gush of water in a general direction').

Anyway, please carefully note in the following picture the exit for the toilet is straight out the back. Higher, frankly, then where anything would be in the bowl that you wanted to get rid of. DUH!

Not to be too hard on British toilets of course, there is always the German toilet that takes water pushing to a whole new level. Why? Because you get a shelf on which to examine your pretty creation before the water has to push it off the shelf and into the sewers. Observe:

Now, before you think I'm obsessed with toilet functions, I'm not. It's just a pet peeve. I want my good old American toilet, damnit. It's one of those things that I'm just not going to get used to here, ever.

And what's really funny? Is that some of my Brit friends actually have the audacity to -complain- about American toilets. Why? Because they can't get used to the fact that in public toilets we have the gap at the door connection points meaning you can see out and also, the dividers between stalls they think are too tall and you may be able to see someone else's shoes. Here, you sit in a completely isolated little cubicle. Fuck me. I just want a toilet that fucking flushes right!

12 May 2005

Shallow v Deep

When S and I were in Helsinki, he says to me out of the blue, "Our conversations are really shallow." I asked him what he meant by that and he proceeded to try and say something about how he felt we didn't talk about anything substantial or important. I tried to get out of him why that was bad, and he tried to say he was just commenting not judging, but I think by bringing it up, there was an implied judgment.

I have always felt on some level my conversation is shallow. Sort of. In a way I think it is- because I prefer low humor, I like cheap jokes. I enjoy being silly. Of course, on another level, I only enjoy these things with my intelligent friends because whenever we say things in this way, there's a tacit acknowledgement of a deeper intellectuality. Oh, now I'm in danger of sounding stuck-up. Bear with me.

I went to a nerd high school. Only 250 kids accepted out of the over 4000 that took the entrance exam in NYC. You had to be in the top of your class just to qualify to take the exam. I got in. And I nearly flunked out my first year. You see, I had gotten used to skating by. School had never been challenging before. Study habits? What was that?

(nerd school)

I'd like to be able to say that I managed to turn things around, but really, I just became more proficient at my slackdom. More able to glean information and put things together and infer information. Every year after seventh grade my GPA steadily improved until I graduated as a solid 'A' student- who had no better study habits than when she started. I was just a lot better at being me.

But in order to do what I do, I have to have some relative amount of intelligence. It's just that I don't always enjoy putting it to good use. I'm perpetually lazy. Which I suppose relates to my last post about the green grass thing. Because I think that I am lazy, I also think that if I could just take the thumb out, I could be doing so much more. The problem is, doing more doesn't make me happy. I get infinitely bored when people drone on about things that are too intellectual. I can often follow these conversations, they just don't interest me.

I'd rather tell dirty jokes.

God I'm shallow. S was right!


10 May 2005

Taking Advantage

I do not take enough advantage of the fact that I live in London. I should go out every night. Experience the city and life. Most nights I find myself at home, exhausted, wanting to do nothing more than stare at the computer or television, or both at the same time, preferably with some hot food readily available.

I do tend to get out at the weekends, but still not enough. Frankly, never enough. C, my old friend and new flatmate and I have a running joke about green grass. Have I said this here before? Perhaps. I don't care to go look. I think I perpetually think there is something else I should be doing with my time. Making better use of what is available. Doing something more substantial. I say, "the grass is always greener over there". C says to me that I'm being ridiculous. I live in a foreign country, I have a job I like, I own my flat (well, except for the huge amount the bank owns), I travel from time to time... C says my grass is green.

Perhaps this is my mood breaking? Itchy feet to get the fuck out and do something better? Tomorrow evening I'm meeting Mr.Noshow for a drink. I should seriously and severely beat his ass for not coming over for a booty call this weekend. I have the tools but not the tendency. That's what he should have come over and done to me.

09 May 2005

Shhh I'm at Work!

Another consultation in Brixton. So I'm not going to get too fussed about wasting time since I'll be working until ten and probably not home until eleven.

I am determined to go to the gym tomorrow and get back into the habit. I haven't been since returning from Helsinki. Too easy to not go. Too important to not go. So it's time to get back on track. No pun intended.

Everything seems to be generally alright. Still know that I have this mood on me. I was watching TV and on this one show a woman said, "Changes in your routine and pattern are an early sign of depression." Well, could be. Or maybe it's just bloody hormones. No pun intended.

08 May 2005

Alone in a Group

Does one need to be surrounded in their sexuality all the time? I have my life. My friends. My other interests. While very happy to meet new friends, I do not feel a burning desire to seek out new friends either. Perhaps this makes me anti-social. Well, I have been feeling a bit less than social lately. People interest me because of who they are as people, not because of what they do or like. Some of the most god-awful boring people I have ever met have been brilliant at one thing or another. But I didn’t really connect with them as friends.

Connecting with someone, to me, is an intensity that occurs at many levels. I have a good number of people that I do count as friends but far many more who I would probably classify as acquaintances. It’s not the same thing at all. And I find that I am never completely comfortable with acquaintances. I am always on guard in some way or another. Perhaps a reason I am not fond of large groups or noisy crowds.

I don’t think that I seek out privacy, nor do I think I am particularly a very private person in many ways. But I do seem to end up with an awful lot of time that I would classify as ‘alone time’ and the thing is, I don’t really mind it that much.


Does it ever let up? I want a break. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. My hands itch. I feel restless. On the one hand I want to do something, on the other hand I feel inert and unmotivated. I miss being in school. Time slows down. An eternity occurs in a semester, which is only four months. Now time just flies past. It all seems the same. It's already May. Five months since New Years. A trip back to the states. A trip to Helsinki. An exam taken. I suppose a lot of stuff has happened. But why does it feel like no time at all?

07 May 2005

Strange Times

I've not been feeling social lately. By 'lately', I mean for at least three weeks. As I said to a few people last night, it's not that I'm depressed or sad or upset about anything, I just don't feel like jumping in and chatting with everyone either. I sort of wish this feeling would pass, that I would either just get depressed or snap out of it.

Last night there was mad office drinks in a way that there hasn't been for ages. This followed on the heels of office pool night on Thursday. Both times I neglected to go with my group of friends to the 'afterpartying'- see anti-social statement above. And both times it sounds like a mad fun time was had by all. Which is cool. I notice my incredible high tolerance is back with the mood which makes me not enjoy hanging out with all the drunk people so much either. Though I know even though I don't feel the alcohol, it still affects me. Last night I foolishly told a coworker about my bdsm activities. Because I couldn't quite bring myself to lie. It was right on the tip of my tongue and I told the truth. Ridiculous. The first person I tell at my office is someone I barely know. I made up for that this morning by telling T as we walked to Broadway Market. So now two people know.

My social life is a bit messed up which is probably adding to my mood. Mr. Aloof has in fact, completely disappeared. A text to let me know he was fine and then absolutely nothing. I liked Mr. Aloof. And it's hurt me more than I care to admit, that it simply fell apart. Plus I really don't take well to the whole 'disappearing act' thing. Not since M. It plagues me this arrogant and impossibly rude way to leave a person behind. Like a suicide with no note.

Mr. Ball and I haven't seen each other since our naughty night in Islington last Wednesday. I honestly don't know what I want from him. Chain smoker. Bad teeth. Perhaps I could deal with one, but both? Really, it's probably the teeth that weird me out the most. I know it's cliche, but come on Britain. That and circumcised dick. Two better things about the States, hands down. So Mr. Ball. Just don't know. I want Mr. Aloof. And of course this is all complicated by the persistence of Mr. Noshow who I sort of wish had pulled a Mr. Aloof, but is instead back from the past. And I sort of invited him around to my place this weekend, for some play. And he's not even taking me up on it. What is wrong with people?

Anyway. It's just strange times. C moving in and my flat changing. Boy trouble. Anti-social moods. Weather changes. I suppose none of it means very much in the end. I sort of wish the view from my window was still as below, but that was a couple weeks ago. Still, it's some sort of solace. I don't know what kind, it just is.

06 May 2005

Helsinki Perversion

Yes, I have a dirty mind. Who doesn't? These are two images that I found particularly entertaining from Helsinki. Well, it's better than showing you my million and one pictures of buildings, or even worse, parking details....

You know, I didn't eat banans for years and years and years because of the dirty thoughts they put in my head. Of course, this advertisement was fantastically funny.

It's important when photographing local landmarks to capture what is really important or the essence of the art.

04 May 2005

Back from Helsinki

Back in London. Back from Helsinki. It was fantastic. Four flights and no phobic episodes. I only took .5 mg of xanax before the first of two flights each way. And the second flight there was on a propeller plane. But I was entirely fine the whole time. It was amazing. I felt like a normal person on a plane.

Helsinki was cold. Spring is not really there yet. We managed to catch Vappu festivals. Vappu was a bit crazy. Finnish people in their multicolored flight suits and white sailor hats drinking, peeing, and puking everywhere. It was an entertaining way to be exposed to Finnish culture.

Aalto house and studio were good. Lots of fantastic architecture. Water. Rocks. Trees.

And today, back in London. Rainy weather. Not that warm. New flatmate. Who cleaned my entire flat upon moving in. And cooked me dinner. Can't beat that. Pictures to follow as soon as all the uploading is finished.