30 December 2007

What Was I Thinking?

There are reasons I have rules. Good reasons. Because I know myself, because I know how I respond. Because I know what happens. So why did I think that 'I Am Legend' was not going to be a scary movie? What the hell was I thinking? Well, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking I wanted to see a post apocalyptic New York and that I like Will Smith. This was not very good reasoning on my part.

So now it's late. Well, later than I thought it was at any rate. And I am not wanting to go to bed. I'd like to pin my eyelids open as a matter of fact to prevent what I know is going to be an unpleasant night of dreams. I hope if I watch enough other crap on television I'll blunt the images from my mind and my imagination but we'll see.

The movie was okay at any rate. There were slightly too many things though that didn't make very good sense. And I really don't like when things aren't particularly logical. It's probably a pet peeve of mine. So that was a little bit frustrating. But the rest of the movie was generally enjoyable. Aside from all the scary parts. Argh!

28 December 2007

Tick Tock There it Goes

Well, no big surprise, I feel I am wasting my time off and it's disappearing rapidly. It's Friday today and I have to return to work on Thursday. Why, that's no time at all! Shit.

Christmas was a mixed bag around these parts. I had some friends over which was cool. And I cooked loads of stuff which was also cool. But I also got some nasty bug which rendered me a bit sickly for the day which meant I couldn't really enjoy it the way I would have liked. Certainly there was no drinking on my part. In fact, I haven't had any alcohol since Christmas Eve. I'm still concerned my digestive track isn't up to it. So that was okay.

The little flatmate returned from Berlin so it's not so quiet or lonely around here. We're making plans for New Years and it's another friend's birthday so again people may be congregating here- which is cool for me because I'm a lazy girl and it's easy. But we'll see. Plans like this always have a way of changing last minute.

I haven't done quite as much knitting as I meant to, though I've done a bit. And I've made good progress on ripping my entire CD collection which was a holiday task, but that has also stalled slightly but I'm sure will pick back up. So what have I been doing with my time? It's really hard to say.

Tomorrow I am going to brave the shopping madness and hit the town with another friend. This could be a dreadful mistake but that's okay. I really need some new gym clothes that I'm not tripping over all the time and that aren't too baggy. And gym clothes are ridiculously overpriced so the only time it's worth getting them is in a big sale. Lets see if I can avoid the knitting section however. That will take stamina.

So I'm not entirely sure of my plans for the day. I'd like to get out of the house. I'm thinking of going to CCK to check out the artist portfolios and I need to write another article today so I can catch up and then try to get ahead of where I should be. Actually, I'd like to do an article about CCK so it's another good excuse to go there. Of course that doesn't have anything to do about their hot chocolate... of course not. And maybe I'll go see a movie. Yesterday the flatmate and I went to see Enchanted which was entertaining. But I really want to see I am Legend even though I don't really like horror flicks, but I want to see a post apocalyptic New York. That looks cool.

Anyway. That's the news from around here. So exciting. I know!

21 December 2007


Well, my winter break has finally started. Today was the first official day, and I don't go back to work until January 3. Excellent! So lots of time for me to cook and knit and see movies and do laundry and generally hang about doing nothing. Which started today with a bit of blog reading. I came across a blog I've read before, but a particular post caught my eye. I think I've been feeling similarly an awful lot lately, so it was interesting to see someone else express things so well. I'm sure I'll have more random ramblings over the next week or two seeing as how I'll have lots of time to kill. Though saying that, it never really works out that way does it? Wish I was doing something a bit more dark and spectacular to be celebrating this, the longest night of the year. Ah well.

15 December 2007

Saturday Hangover

And there is no rest for the wicked. In two and a half hours I need to make my way back to Brighton which takes about two hours. I managed to get a reasonable amount of sleep last night, though I did have to get up right in the middle of it to use the bathroom which I almost never do. Still, it was just about eight hours, so I don't really have an excuse for being this exhausted.

Except last night was the office xmas party and that was on the heels of a long and intense night with Mr.Aloof and to use the British expression, I am just shattered! I could easily sleep the rest of the day. Plus I may be on the verge of getting sick, as my throat is a bit sore, though that could just be from all of the screaming and then talking I've been up to. Hard to say.

Last night was fun though. Our office decided on a themed party of '50's style'. I didn't think this was a particularly good idea initially but people started to get into it and then I ended up finding a vintage dress on line and getting it. So I had the day off work and had a nap, and then I went to shower and did my hair in ringlets (which I don't usually bother with- I just let it dry however it wants to go) and got all dressed up and did my make-up and then waited for S to arrive who was my guest and off we went to the party.

And it was a bit funny because I got so many compliments on my dress and how I looked. And I guess what's weird about that to me is that I am not someone who generally dresses for people to notice me at all. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I don't generally like when people notice me physically- it makes me uncomfortable. So I was flattered and a little bit embarrassed that so many people told me how great my dress looked and my hair and my look overall. But of course as self-conscious as I get, it is also nice to hear those things. So it was cool, in a constantly blushing sort of way. And in the end, enough people made an effort that it was actually a lot of fun to see everyone dressed up. Everyone looked really good in general. I guess us rowdy architects clean up alright!

So it was a generally good and fun evening and I got home around 1am. But even though I had stopped drinking well before I left and had also had a couple glasses of water, I find I am still a bit wool headed this morning. And the throat thing isn't really helping matters. Or for that matter the overall body soreness from Thursday. Though I should add, I had the funniest accidental whip mark curling around my arm (usually there are never marks on my arms or lower legs) that showed with my short sleeved dress. So a couple of my more knowing friends had a good snicker about that, but then those same naughty friends thought it would be funny to poke me on it or otherwise poke or prod me when they knew the bruises and marks they couldn't see were far worse than the one they could! Naughty friends indeed.

Still, I'd like nothing more today than to just curl up and be quiet with Mr.Aloof and toy after all of this manic activity, but that's not really the nature of how things are with us, and it's not really an option with todays planned events anyway. Still, I recognize that it's what I'd really like. Ho hum.

14 December 2007

New Article

Also, check out the latest article on photographer Ellen Stagg. You'll find her blog in my roll to the right as I've been following her stuff for a while. So how exciting that I get to write about her? And I bought a print off her as well- I really need to find my framers. Actually, the print I bought, I put in the gallery I selected- of course! Can you guess which one? It's a 1/8 chance!
The Sexy Photography of Ellen Stagg
The Art of Love

Pornalong - Pet Edition

Last night I went down to Brighton to see Mr.Aloof and toy. This weekend is toy's birthday- and true to herself, she didn't plan anything. So instead of letting her get stressed about it, Mr.Aloof said he'd take care of things- and that starting Wednesday night and through the weekend she is simply to make no plans and be home when told.

Last night he told her to be home at 9. I arrived in Brighton at 7:30.

After last week's huge and deep conversation, I think there was a desire on his and my part to just let all of that heavy conversation go and just get to 'be' for a bit. Not that we were really letting it go, but rather, enough had been said about things, and it was simply time to do them.

Background to last night's story is an ongoing idea of Mr.Aloof's which should probably be elaborated on slightly. Basically in concept he wants to have a small and select group of people who play together. Obviously there is him and toy, then there is C. Then there are a couple of other people he is considering or I have heard of but not met yet. Now like any good club, Mr.Aloof has also decided that everyone needs a role and title. Generally this is something I don't care much for. I think I've discussed some of the name issues we've had previously, and frankly adding titles to that is just silly as far as I'm concerned. But he wants them and so he gets them, and I find I am amused and tolerate them.

But when he said I needed a title or role as well, my mind drew a blank. It just doesn't fit into how I see myself, or my interactions. There were some suggestions bandied about but I nixed all of them. Then I offered up some rather snarky solutions which were nixed by him. His criteria for my title was an indication that I was his, and of my role. So I wrote back, "Well what about pet?".

'Pet' sums up rather nicely how I see my submissive interaction. I think what I wrote to him was that a pet is just as likely to beg or do tricks for attention as they are to bite your hand. And that's probably just about right. I like doing things for my partners because I know it will please them and make them happy. And I like to do things for my partners that impress or amuse them. And I also tend to like to push at the boundary line to see just how far I can get away with being cheeky until the law is laid back down. I also pointed out to him that pets don't really care about roles or titles- they just are, and that also suited me well. And so 'pet' was agreed. And in further discussion of the evening that was yet to come, he indicated to me that the evening would be spent exploring what that role would mean exactly and he didn't really say any more than that and I didn't want him to.

So I got down to Brighton and made my way to their flat. Mr.Aloof met me and we went upstairs. He said he wanted dinner cooked for him and toy with whatever I could find and that he'd pop out to the shop if I needed anything else. I found some macaroni and some bacon and frozen broccoli and cheese and milk and butter and so I set about making a basic mac and cheese with broccoli. There was some time to kill so we both puttered around for a bit. At one point I came out of the other room and Mr.Aloof approached me and then pounced on me pushing me backwards over the arm of the sofa as I yelped and he came following after, pinning me down and kissing me roughly. That was fun- and showed how much tension and energy we were both sitting on, waiting to release.

My instructions were to have dinner ready by 9. Then serve it. Then, as they ate, I was to go into the other room and change into my green leather. Toy was late coming back as she can be fickle like that and didn't know that I was coming over, and Mr.Aloof was agitated, and I felt a bit bad because I couldn't really ease his irritation and knew that simply my being there was making it worse. I was also concerned that my makeshift meal was getting ruined as I kept having to add milk to it to keep it creamy and warm. But she did arrive at about half past nine and declared she was starving after a slightly startled 'Oh!' at my presence. So I dished up the food and poured some drinks and then left them to eat while I went to change.

As I changed I just listed to their conversation. I wasn't in any sort of rush. I was just curious. So when I was changed I left the bedroom and crouched behind them on the sofa. For about five seconds when Mr.Aloof eyeballed me and declared that I hadn't been invited into the lounge and to get in the hall where I belonged. Which to be fair, was only a couple feet from where I was. So I backed up just far enough to be across the threshold of the hall which clearly didn't suit. So he put down his bowl, got up, grabbed my collar and pulled me to the back of the hall with a 'stay there'. Still, the entire hall is probably just about my length laying down so I stretched myself forward so that I could still hear, and observe, but could easily push back to sitting in my spot at the back of the hall in an instant.

At one point Mr.Aloof went into the bedroom and I again stretched to peer around into that room and later toy did the same. But generally I was left alone as they went about eating and talking. But when they were done, Mr.Aloof came to me and grabbed the center ring in my collar and pulled me into the lounge and pushed me to sitting where he wanted me to be. He went into the bedroom again and came back and sat on the sofa behind me so I was pinned between his legs. He grabbed a glass of water and stroking my hair and pulling my head back proceeded to give me water from the glass- which was a precursor to putting on my gag. And then the hood over it. And then pushed me this way and that and finally to the floor. I was only there for a short while when he was pulling me up harshly and dragging and pushing and spinning me. Twice he spun me so I almost fell but was backed against a wall. Then all of this maneuvering got me into the bedroom where he tossed me across the bed and before I could even think about it the whip was coming down.

I knew he was punishing me for the dog photos. He didn't have to say it. I knew it was coming and when it came I knew it for what it was. I couldn't stop squirming around so he stopped at took my collared hands and tied one to the head of the bed on the side and one to the foot. This greatly debilitated my agility and roll-factor though I still managed to squirm my legs around and away, and also used my foot at one point to catch the whip and tangle it. Which only resulted in my collared feet getting the same treatment and so I was effectively face down and spread eagle crossway on the bed. And still the beating continued and I could do nothing now but yell and pull against my bonds.

This all seemed to go on for a while, and then it stopped. Well, it would stop for moments periodically and start up again. But then it stopped and I felt toy's hair brushing my new welts and her weight leaning on my body and I could hear and feel that they were doing things, though I couldn't really tell what. Plus they moved around. And perhaps I was distracted at her soft skin and soft hair brushing against me. And then they would shift, and perhaps I would receive another blow or three, and then things would pick up again. Again, this pattern went on for a while, when my hood was pulled up just enough so my gag could be removed. And I was given water again. And then I was pushed back and pulled up as much as my bindings would allow and Mr.Aloof was in front of me, pushing into my mouth and because of my restriction I had no place to move. And it was difficult and when I couldn't take it I turned my head for air and relief only to be punished by the whip or the belt. And then again. And again. And I was slightly distressed because I want to improve in this area but this was challenging and difficult and I was disappointed a little bit in myself, but it was okay.

And then I was released, though still hooded. And there were more tangled touches and activities going on. Mr.Aloof sent me to the bathroom and when II was punished for peeking and there was again an oral sex session. And again it was challenging because the angle was slightly off and my nose had gone a bit snotty from the previous activity which meant breathing was tough. And toy was beating me for encouragement. And so again, a somewhat unsatisfactory attempt which I did probably feel momentarily bad about because it is something I have an issue with and it's all well and good to know when you aren't quite getting it right but I still can't really tell when I'm doing things well. Though I was slightly amused at one point because toy went to whip me and caught Mr.Aloof instead who had flinchd and pulled back and this morning he said he had a mark on his leg which I thought was funny, but I digress. After this though and feeling a bit badly I was petted and held in contrast to how I was feeling about what had just happened which made me think it was actually okay after all. And I was given more water and then positioned between toy's legs and after some time, Mr.Aloof positioned himself behind me. First watching, then beating me, and then fucking. I do like that feeling of being between. Of how his violent activity is transferred through me to her. A chain of intense and physical connection. Though it's a difficult sort of fucking. One where you have to pay attention. But it's certainly worthwhile.

And then he took my place between her legs and brought her to a climax that way while I resumed my place beside them both slightly more worn. And there was a quite period of intimacy between them, and I think the conclusion was that he was going to do it to her again. And so I was only asked to hold her, and my hood was removed. And it was a slow process- I could feel her tense and relax in my arms in phases, her breathing even and then jagged. And then after a while, the tension became more frequent, the breathing harder, and she came again almost mindless in her intensity. Mr.Aloof pulled back and she twisted and I pulled her to me in a tight spoon and we stayed like that for a while, and Mr.Aloof came behind me and wrapped his arms around us both and it was again a quiet and intimate time.

But he wasn't done- far from it. And while toy recovered his attention turned to me- flipping me around to again take me hard from behind now with her next to me. And it was good to revel in it without needing to worry about doing anything else. And I adore how he can push me down so my mobility is negligible- and all I do is feel what is going on and be for a while and it's a rather floaty feeling while being all the time intense. He pulled off and went over to the bureau, grabbed something and came back. It wasn't long before I felt the cool slickness and I knew what was coming and I struggled to relax my body quickly. While Mr.Aloof and I have had anal sex before, it hasn't been for a very long time. I do have toys of my own that I use on occasion, but nothing recently. So it was a challenge to accommodate and there was a bit of pain but then, when has that bothered me? And I knew that I was clutching at toy who was stroking my arm and watching everything intensely as I was vaguely someplace else.

When he finished with me, Mr.Aloof went to the bathroom to wash off, and I lay on the bed twitching from the intensity of everything being held by and holding onto toy. And I knew that I was close and I didn't know how to ask. So I just sort of looked at her and let her see as my other free arm travelled down my body and between my legs and I got myself off with an arm wrapped tightly around her and her arms around me. And then I felt sated. Mostly.

And the evening started to wind down in a way. I was again sent to the hall and Mr.Aloof drew a bath while toy heated up more of dinner for a post-coitus snack. Due to the history of dog photos, a bowl had been purchased previously, before the whole conversation about 'pet' had come up, though now it seemed more fitting. Some of the pasta was put for me in the bowl and the bowl was placed in the kitchen and I was dragged over to it. I thought that they weren't looking so I was picking up the macaroni and eating it from my fingers but Mr.Aloof either saw me or sussed it out because he got up, got his belt and came back admonishing me for using my fingers and punished me there quickly before returning to the sofa. And so I ate the rest hands free. Then he went for a bath and toy poured some water in my bowl which I drank mostly correctly, though the last bit I had to tip the bowl or I couldn't have reached, and I was thirsty.

So I stayed on the floor of the kitchen watching a video while they bathed. Mr.Aloof got out first and came to the kitchen for this and for that and would stroke my head as he passed. Then he pulled me to the bedroom and showed me a pallet laid out on the floor next to bed and pushed me down to it. When toy got out of the bathroom I popped in to use it and when I came back they were kissing and stroking each other and I went to my pallet and just watched from the side of the bed as they went through their own intimate permutations. Towards the end Mr.Aloof pulled me up to the bed and told me to get under toy so I could lick her while he fucked her which is a position we had been in once a while ago. And then there was shuffling about and curling up and who knows what time it was but we slept.

Of course I didn't really sleep well. And removed various bits of green leather at various points in the evening dropping them beside me. I know I had bits of sleep but it was fitful. And Mr.Aloof was fitful as well so he got up even earlier than needed to do something in the lounge. Then it was getting dressed while trying to check out my new marks and the walk to the train station.

Luckily I took today off work, so I've just been lounging at home, though I need to go out and run some errands. And tonight is my office holiday party. So that's going to be a bit crazy and I'm going to try and get some sleep when I get back. But it should be fun.

Tomorrow I go back down to Brighton for the vanilla birthday party. Which should be cool. And I'm excited to give toy the choker I made for her. Though it feels a bit strange to see them again so soon. Still, it's cool. It was an exciting and excellent evening which reminds me why I think all the bullshit that comes with it is worthwhile.

11 December 2007


The main things on my mind at the moment are cooking and knitting. I know it's a bit incongruous to all my other adventures, but the reality is I'm a bit of a home girl at heart. And I love cooking and making things.

Sunday night for example, I made gyoza. I had gotten it into my head that I really wanted to make them and just kept thinking about it. I've done them before, though not for a very long time. It's not that they're particularly difficult, but I did forget how long it takes to fill and fold each individual dumpling. Still, they came out delicious and my gyoza urge was almost satisfied.

Then last night I made some standard Japanese food and threw together a bento box which I'm going to have for lunch tomorrow which always makes me tremendously happy. And of course it's perfect because tomorrow is the office stitch n' bitch day at lunch.

I'm sure I've mentioned knitting stuff before. Recently I finished a pair of fingerless gloves for myself which I'm tremendously pleased with. Before that I finished a lace scarf- though I'm not sure who to give it to, and since it's black, I won't wear it myself. And I may have also mentioned a choker that broke recently I had been making? I don't remember. At any rate, I've decided to try and repair the choker. It won't be as good as before but because it is black, it is possible that it will be not that noticeable. And then I can give it to the person it was intended for. This weekend actually, because it's her birthday.

So there you have it. Cooking and knitting. The mental pastimes of a pervy girl.

09 December 2007

Sunday Morning

Looks like I'm on a writing bender. Could hormones be involved? Oh... let me think about that for about .5 seconds. *sigh*

So last night I met with the couple as referenced in my last post. It's the first time I've met the two of them together having previously just met him. Of course I've been talking to them since some time in August when I went in for surgery. It's been a rather drawn out affair.

And at times I felt not worth the pursuit. After all, I already have one inconsistent and inconsiderate couple in my life. Do I really want another? I'm reserving final judgment on the new couple for the time being. After all, for conversation to simply last as long as it has without interaction is moderately supportive.

So anyway, I feel like I should bring this story up to date. It was my requirement that I meet them both out socially together before anything further was considered. I am not someone who tends to move quickly or be impulsive about relationships. And having met him, I felt the possibility of a positive outcome was higher than average. Still, I have no interest in becoming embroiled in others games. And if they weren't on board together as a couple, and if I didn't like her for any reason, then it wasn't going to work. So a social meeting out for all of us was my requirement.

To which they were thirty minutes late after already postponing the originally meeting time by another thirty minutes. This was not a good start. In fact I was about five minutes from finishing my drink and getting on my bus to take me home when they finally arrived. And the evening conversation was pleasant and enjoyable and easy. And I again had the sense that I could pursue things with them.

Of course this was marred by the announcement that they are both leaving tomorrow for the holiday season for an entire month- not to return until January 10! So there will be no further updates on the couple though I'm sure there will be continued email contact.

So that's the couple up to date and now on hold. Then plans with Mr.Aloof and toy. I've been invited down for Thursday night. So this should be interesting because it puts into conflict two issues Mr.Aloof has. The specific reason that he wants me to come down and be involved this week is that it is toys birthday on the weekend. And he wants to create an evening to spoil her. On the other hand, we have just recently covered that further last-minute cancellations due to toy's health or fickleness are not to be continued. I'm anticipating one of three scenarios.

One- Toy will not cancel, I will go down to Brighton, and the evening will go off without a hitch. Past experience tells us that the likelihood of this possibility is about 20%.

Two- Toy will want to cancel and keeping to the agreements of our most recent conversation, Mr.Aloof will have me come down anyway. I have pointed out that sexual activity isn't a requirement but just the physical interaction of being close is. I don't care if we watch movies and just hang out together but the complete cancellation is not acceptable. If I can be flexible and accommodating, then so can they.

Three- Toy will want to cancel and Mr.Aloof will slip into pattern and say something like 'Oh I know what we talked about but....'

So that's the current Thursday plan. Friday is my office holiday party which should be fun and at least generate good gossip. And then Saturday I am again invited to Brighton but for the vanilla version of the birthday celebrations. I've offered to help with food prep earlier than people arrive. And I've been told I can stay over, but since others are staying over who don't know, I won't be staying with them. It'll be one of the sofas or the floor for me. Which is okay.

I don't know. Maybe it's the dark and the time of year. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe it's that some of my best friends are making a concerted effort to make me change things. I just have a huge feeling of discontent. It's not that I don't like the things I have, it's that I want more. And according to my friends, I deserve more. It's a difficult problem for me. One I will continue to ponder and I'm sure one will continue to bother me because I know I am not ready to make the decision my friends want me to make. But I equally know that I am not currently happy with how things have been and I am dubious as to whether or not they can or will change.

In the meantime, another new article! I am really enjoying writing these articles. I hope to catch up and get ahead over the winter break though so I don't feel like I'm rushing every week to complete one. Then again, I always leave things to the last minute, but I always get things done! I think it's just how I'm wired. So go see The Dark Saints of Kris Wlodarski.

And expect more hormone fueled rambling in the near future.

08 December 2007


There are difficulties with open relationships- mainly that it's not as simple as one plus one. But generally you know that going in, and in some ways I think communication is better in open relationships but really through necessity because it has to be.

Of course this doesn't mean that it's easy and like anything involving emotions there is the highs and the lows and the ups and the downs. Hopefully you find that the highs outweigh the lows and that's what makes everything worthwhile.

In my case however, the ratio isn't particularly clear. For as much fantastic wonderfulness that Mr.Aloof brings to my life, there is an equal part- at least- of trouble. And that's difficult. My good friends have generally come to the conclusion that he does not deserve me, and I can see their point. The problem is, my friends also can't appreciate that intense rush of goodness when things are working out. They just see it in a rather factual way, and in that view, it just doesn't stack up.

Recently this was again brought up by one of those low moments of arguing and not seeing eye to eye. There were two main issues that I had with the current state of things and I felt they needed to be addressed. One is too difficult to get into here, and needless to say, it has been the easiest addressed and so is less of an issue now. The other has also since been addressed but I think is worth elaborating on.

I told Mr.Aloof that I had found someone else to pursue a casual relationship with concurrent with my explorations with him and toy and I felt that it was responsible to let him know as one of my current sexual partners. His response was to say that if I pursued anything else, that his interest in me was over.

This was not actually the response I anticipated.

Mr.Aloof knows that I need more in my life than what he can occasionally offer. And he knows that although I love the time we spend together, I spend all the rest of the time generally not content. So I thought this was a good solution. I found someone I was actually interested in (which doesn't happen that often) to pursue in the 'off time' and the pressure would be off him in terms of my discontent or perhaps better stated in terms of my needs that he couldn't fulfill.

Needless to say, his announcement resulted in a mini-implosion.

He had a couple days to think about it and I sent a couple of emails that illustrated my points in a rather verbose way. In the meantime we discussed the other issue (and somewhat resolved it) but the big one was left hanging. We met up on Wednesday to talk about things and I was glad that he had come to a position where he recanted his earlier objection and was more honest with the fact that really it just made him uncomfortable in a selfish sort of way. But he did manage to recognize that it was an unreasonable position on his own, or at least with my email crib notes.

Of course while I feel my current situation is resolved it raised some difficult questions that I haven't really been able to answer. Mainly, if polyamory really only works best when everyone has a primary relationship and secondary partners are only partners with those in like situations. And I haven't found any easy answers in all of this, though I have some examples to look to.

, who writes on Nerve is open about talking about his relationship with his partner. And while he writes things on his blog and has even participated in an article on the subject, of course his view is always of the primary. And of one who is in a primary relationship. What is never clear from any of his writing or photographs in particular is the status of the women who join them. Have any worked out as long term? And if so, do they already have primary relationships as well?

The second set of partners I use as an example are the well known Twisted Monk, Mistress Matisse, and their extended relationship families. Both of them have primary partners and are secondary with each other. So in some ways this supports my growing theory that it only works best in terms of stable longevity in this way. But then both have additional secondary partners who don't seem to have primary parters. Or in a related system, Matisse's primary partner Max, has a secondary partner named Lorelei who is definitely not in another primary relationship. Her primary relationship is to Max, but she can only be a secondary relationship to him. And I think to me this raises the same questions.

No matter how wonderful a secondary relationship is, if both partners don't have a primary relationship, is it inherently unstable? And is that the choice? Is the only choice available to enjoy the brilliance for whatever short time it lasts and to be resigned to the fact that by default it must end?

Of course my counter argument to this is yet another example of a triad relationship in the form of J, Caprycorn, and Lucky who I came across on Informed Consent and who blog fairly regularly. In their case, they are choosing to live together as three. But then their relationships are completely intertwined and inseparable. In some ways it's less of a 'primary' and 'secondary' as a group relationship while there are hierarchies present within the group, it's all a bit more blurred.

At any rate, my current position is that I am pursuing the other opportunity that has presented itself and I am also sticking with things as they are with Mr.Aloof with his blessing or at least... understanding and permission. I know that it's not a long-term prospect. Oh what the hell, if you've read this far, let me be more honest. It's another damn couple. Still, there is interest there, and I haven't had anything similar with a single guy for a long time. So I know that being involved with this other couple won't jeopardize what I have with Mr.Aloof because it can't. But it can provide me interest and distraction and a new adventure which at the moment seems attractive. Or at least worth exploring. Though I suppose if it went really well and developed into something like Persephone has in her relationship, then all my theories go out the window again.

It's all really rather complicated. I do wish I had a primary relationship that still allowed me to pursue these interests and solved the problem of the 'What about me?' question. But it seems a bit like a distant pipe dream. So the realistic question that I have in front of me is do I give it all up to focus just on me or do I continue to enjoy these amazing experiences I'm having but with no hope for longevity? The answer is.... I don't know- so holding pattern for the time being.

01 December 2007

Out Tonight

I'm off to a fetish club tonight. I've never actually been to a fetish club, but I have been curious about it. I've been to fetish fairs and it's not that I think I'll be intimidated. What's really kept me from such things is that I'm not that into the whole clothing thing, and I'm also not sure I'll generally like it. Of course I expect it to be extremely interesting. And I can hypothesize that if I were going with a large gang of people I knew well, then it could be a different sort of experience. But even though I'm going with a friend who has gone a bunch before, I know that I will feel a bit of an outsider, and like I don't really belong. But that's okay. Because no one else will care and I will get to observe everything.

This follows on the heels of my Friday off work where I went to a spa. Who knew a spa could be so good. It was really, really good. And this is coming from the girl who hates hot things. In fact, the first steam room I tried to go into, I had to go right back out of because I thought I was suffocating and couldn't breath. But I managed to work through it to end up relaxing into the misty purple lavender infused room. And then oh so much more. I am so going back.

And while we're on updates, check out the new article:
The Diverse Sexual Expression of Raphael Perez
The Art of Love

28 November 2007

November Ending

A half month passing and no updates. I know. Somehow it's just one more thing that I find I don't have time for. Of course in the last two weeks a lot of things have happened both good and bad. But nothing I really want to get into. I have other things to do I guess and to sit down and write it all out is either going to take time I don't have or just depress me.

I'll get back into the swing of things in a little while I think. In particular during the holiday break when I'll have nothing to do and no one is going to be around. Then I'll have loads of time to kill. At the moment however, it's all systems go and there isn't much time for reflection.

16 November 2007

My Blog My Platform


I wrote something here last night. But this morning it seems to have resolved itself. My error. Well, not really an error. I felt how I felt, but it appears cleared up now. So that's all good. No more hackles.

09 November 2007

Highlights From the Week

Monday - Not much to mention.

Tuesday - Was supposed to have plans with Mr.Aloof. No big surprise, plans were changed.

Wednesday - Dinner with S and M at Carluccio's. Two bottles of wine, good conversation, lots of laughter. Hopefully turned the day around a bit for S who had a bad one. Can't hurt when you're met at the station, picked up bodily, swung around, and then spanked on the ass. Woo hoo!

Thursday - Woke up with a possible hangover, or was ill- couldn't decide. Felt like shit all day at work. Left early to sleep for two hours. Got up to go down to Brighton and see Mr.Aloof and toy. Hadn't been to Brighton before, can't say I saw much of it. Spent time in my green leather on a cushion on the floor. Got blindfolded. Got touched. Got beaten. Drank from a bowl on the floor. Spent some challenging time as a coffee table. Got touched some more. Got beaten some more. Got well used and abused. Pleasured him. Pleasured her. Got pleasured in return. Didn't get enough sleep. Got a fresh selection of welts and bruises to admire over the next few days.

Friday - Traveled from Brighton to work. Did some work. Had an intimidating meeting with five important men in suits but think I weathered it well. D and V came over for dinner which was really nice. We had tacos. I managed to burn the shells. Thankfully we also had corn chips so instead made impromptu taco salads/nachos. It's easy to forget how wonderful tacos are. I think I'm in the middle of having a mild taco obsession.

So there's the highlights. Also, check out the new article:
The Expressive Art of Natasha Gudermane at The Art of Love

01 November 2007

Hello November

Alright, I know I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain here. Time is really just a commodity I seem to be short of at every turn. And just when my readership seems to be increasing. Of course, the main reason I'm attracting new readers is because of my comments about how my recent hospital experiences would excite someone with a medical fetish. I never considered how many people would be searching for that- or ultrasounds specifically. Still, I'm hoping I don't have anything much new to add in that direction any time soon. So sorry folks. Though I think I'm going to have to get that invasive ultrasound exam for the rest of my life every six months or something. Bet you're jealous.

Moving on. I'm writing from home because I went to this Eurostar testing thing at the new St. Pancreas station today. For my time I got refreshments, lunch, and a free round trip Eurostar voucher. Plus I got to check out the new station. It was fun. I wish I'd had some friends along, but I just brought some books and crosswords. And so it ended and now I'm home. I guess I could have gone shopping or something but I had my rucksack with me since they asked you to bring luggage. So I just went home and now I'm finally having some time to just chill, which I've been somewhat short of it seems recently.

Which isn't to say there isn't loads to do around here. I'm finishing up my next article and I've got another in the pipeline. Plus I've also agreed to review a sex gaming site, which is going to take some time to explore. Oh, shame that. I also need to do some laundry which includes changing up my sheets and duvet. It's time for the winter weight one, though the weather is surprisingly mild today.

I should be generally content with things at the moment, except I'm not. It's been a rough couple of weeks as I've found myself slipping into a depression. That hasn't been so great. I recognize it for what it is, but I can't see to shake it. And no, it's not hormones. It's the same old shit really, but I've mostly managed to move past my heavily depressive phases. So I guess it's taken me a bit off-guard just how hard this one has hit me. I haven't had such aggressive self-negative thoughts in a really long time. I'm sure it'll pass, it always does. But in the meantime, it's not particularly fun.

I've got a week of vacation left to take before the end of the year and I've been seriously thinking about going to a meditation and/or yoga retreat. I really just feel like I need to get away from everything and find some sort of peace, even if just for a short while. Still, the one I'm considering is in Scotland somewhere in December. Does this sound like a good idea? I haven't decided yet.

23 October 2007

Time Escapes

It's not that there haven't been things to write about, but it's more that I haven't found the time to sit down and do any writing.

I spend my days in a haze at work. Staring at my screen and wishing I was home. My evening time is too short to get done the things I need to and to relax. And then I'm back at work. My weekends have been packed full, and my upcoming weekends are packed full.

There is supposed to be a Friday night encounter with Mr.Aloof. But we'll see if that comes to fruition.

Thursday is going to be girls night in and karaoke which should be lots of fun.

Saturday I'm going to a performance of the Carmina Burana at the Royal Albert Hall.

Sunday I'm getting a haircut. I was supposed to get one this past weekend, but my stylist was sick. So instead I only got the color and now next weekend I'm getting the cut. But all at a 10% discount, so that's all okay!

And in the meantime even though I'm doing all these things with friends, I'm missing other friends and dinners and birthday celebrations and that sort of sucks.

I'll write something more interesting, when there is something more interesting to write. In the meantime, check out the latest article.

The Voyeuristic Nudes of Edgar Degas
The Art of Love

12 October 2007

The New Article

It's going to be a regular weekly thing I'm guessing, but I'll probably keep posting all my articles here (as well as a couple of other places) since I'm still just so darn exuberant about them. Go check out:

The dark erotic photography of Aaron Dunn
The Art of Love

(But also don't miss the new pornalong post below either since I don't usually post more than once in a day... if you're at all into porn that is... *smirk*)

Pornalong - Anonymous Encounter

On Tuesday I got a text from Mr.Aloof asking if I was up for the task in the evening of wearing my new hood to see just how long I could wear it for. Having tried my hood before, I texted back the question if there was anything else to the task. The addition of a gag was requested, I deemed the task challenging enough, and the game was afoot.

Tuesday night after doing all the things I needed to, I prepared everything I needed and sent a text that I was starting with the gag. It's been a while since I've worn a ball gag, and it was difficult at first. I had to calm down and adjust. Then I texted that I was putting on the hood, and then I settled into my experience.

The total time spent in this fashion was one and a half hours and included two intense orgasms as well as a brief spot of texting at the hour mark. Wednesday morning I sent an email to Mr.Aloof about what the experience had been like, the things that had crossed my mind. One of which had been the idea of receiving a text that said after reading I was to put the hood back down, and make my way to the front door and answer it when there was a knock. I didn't really think of much more than that, but the premise excited me. Apparently, not just only me.

On Wednesday Mr.Aloof asked for plans on Thursday and was otherwise very quiet which didn't seem exactly in keeping. On Thursday there was also not so much text. Then I got an email asking to meet at Leicester Square. To which I agreed (albeit disappointingly but not entirely surprised) and then after a couple emails discussing the particulars of that arrangement I got another email saying there was a change of plan, and that I was to be at home at 10pm with my gag and hood at the ready, and to await further instructions.

To be fair there was a bit of side conversation at this point of my asking if he was really sure because I was unsettled by the back and forth and changes. But he insisted it was all to schedule and then said there would be no more email. So that was it.

Work was exceptionally busy, so this was all very distracting (but only in the nicest of ways). I knew that what I had written had excited him, had given him ideas. And I liked that.
Later in the day I got an email saying something about 'them' arriving at my house. Of course I wrote back questioning the use of 'them' and got a noncommittal response to which I sent a non-committal response. I also knew that there was no way that he would ever put me in any danger, and that I trusted him. So whatever was going to happen would be safe, but probably unexpected and to me at least, exciting.

On the way home the mind-fuck was elaborated as he texted asking for my full address as a 'reminder'. And to let him know when I was home. And to arrange the house as requested. And the occasional 'tick-tock' text. It was a bit surreal. I usually say that I don't like when my imaginations become reality because they are never as good as I imagine them. So it was strange to know that something I had described was likely to occur. Of course my description ended at the opening of the door. What would happen next? Who would appear? I didn't doubt that Mr.Aloof could arrange more than one person to appear on short notice. There is C, who I have met twice before, and then there was B, but I don't think he'd be making a reappearance. Then there was 'the driver' who I didn't meet, but heard instead one night when I was locked in a cage. Of course there is also T, and there are potentially other women in the playlist who I have not met before. But I did know with certainty that another person could be arranged and was likely. How thrilling and terrifying all at once. But like I said, I trust Mr.Aloof. So I knew whomever it was would be fine, but still, I just didn't know what would happen.

At eight I got instructions for ten. That appropriate bass laden music was to be on both upstairs and downstairs, that I was to be naked aside from my green leather, and that the hood and gag should be readily available and I should be thinking about my box and the potential future uses for it. More 'tick tock' texts. And I was ready far too early and could concentrate on nothing else. I could do nothing else, but wait. I tried to distract myself and it didn't work. At ten I got a 'tick tock' text and almost went mad. And then five minutes later I got a text instructing me to masturbate.

Not really needing much encouragement I figured that was a reasonable task. But I did manage to text one handed 'to what point?' and got no answer. Masturbation being a skill I perfected at a young age, it really wasn't long at all before I knew that I could reach the target so I texted asking if I could come since there had been no response to the first text. After what seemed like forever, I got a 'not yet'. Hideous. This is something that usually takes me less than a minute. Now it had been ten. Torture! I texted 'please!' but again got no response. After some minutes passed I texted 'please?!' again- and after a small wait got the go ahead. It took a bit of extra build up, but was long and intense. It was now 10:25 or so. Soon I got a text telling me to put on my gag and make sure it was tight. So I texted back compliance. Then I got a text saying that 'they would be there soon'. A little bit later I got a text saying to go to the front door, put my hood on, and when there was a knock on the door, to open it, and they were on their way.

So I went downstairs, put the hood on over the gag and collar, and waited in my hall. And waited. And waited. It felt like forever. Was it really forever or did it just feel that way? Were all of these minutes really just seconds? It's very hard to say. After what seemed like forever and ever to the point where I wondered if I should check my phone, I heard footsteps on the walkway. Heels. A woman. And there was a knock on the door. I fumbled for the latch, having moved my hand off it at some point, and when I turned it and went for the handle I could feel that someone on the other side had their hand on the handle as well. As I twisted down the handle, it was pushed from the other side, and the door was pushed open. I shrank back in my blindness and was immediately grabbed by the back of the neck, by the strap of the gag and the collar around my neck and I was pushed down to the ground, flat. There were two people I sussed- a man and a woman. I waited.

I didn't have to wait long, I was unceremoniously dragged back up to standing in my hallway. Pushed against the wall, inspected, grabbed, groped. They didn't say anything at all. No words were uttered. No noises. The only sound were their movements, footsteps and the sounds I made. I was spun around and pushed into a corner. Again to wait. Still no sounds. And I wasn't fighting what was happening. I was curious and excited. I found it thrilling. Soon I was grabbed harshly again by the collar and dragged into the lounge and pushed down to the floor on my lovely rug. Tiny drops of water landed on me. Soft fingers tickled and brushed along my skin. Nails scratched down my back. And then something snapped on my bottom. And then again. And I went to squirm and was pushed back down to the ground by the second set of hands. The beating continued.

After some time of beating and touching and stimulating I was pulled up to sitting and the hood was folded up to just below my nose. The gag was removed. And then I think the gag was replaced. I was spun around to face the other direction. Pushed down, pulled up. Still not a word from my abusers. The only sounds I heard were the ones I made and the music, which they had turned up even louder.

There is no way for me to put in order the many things that happened. After not so long I was sure that it was Mr.Aloof and T who were there. See, I always knew that whoever it would be, that Mr.Aloof would be present. Even if he never touched me himself or made himself known to me, I knew he would be present. And even though he avoided being too close to me so any telltale signs of his person impressed upon me, I knew without doubt that it was he, and with a brush of hair and a waft of smoke and perfume I knew that it was T with him. But still they said nothing and I never made to address them, only did as I was bade.

There was licking and sucking and fucking and beating and scratching. I was impaled and pinned and gasping for breath between the gag and the hood and the hardness of the floor. I was directed to suck, and it was useful to have the real thing to work with, again and again. I was dragged back to the hallway, made to drink from a bowl on the floor, prostrated. Gag on and gag off, beaten and fucked. Not once did they say anything. And my hood was never removed, only pulled up enough to access my mouth and pulled back down.

After all of this intensity I was once again dragged into the hall and pushed to the floor. But prior to that I had heard the sounds of collecting and picking up. She stroked me lightly before I was dragged to the hall, and kissed me. I felt them brush past me, walking around my body, and I heard the door close (though not locked properly). I waited a bit to make sure what I thought was true, slowly sat up, peeled up the hood. My flat was empty save me. A bowl on the floor before me. My crop in the lounge. My gag on the stair. My body sore and buzzing and lightly marked. I cleaned up the little there was to straighten, and went to bed at just around half past midnight.

In the morning I got an email from Mr.Aloof saying he was sorry he couldn't be there last night. Usually I'm not one to enjoy the imaginary scenario. I know that it was him and T, and I'm sure he is aware that I know full well that it was him and T, but to say it to him would be to shatter the illusion of the evening that was created. And so it is an evening of anonymity and some of my more intimate fantasies fulfilled.

I wrote to him a pondering- have you ever woken from a dream that seemed so very real that you had to convince yourself for a moment that it was all in your head? It was almost as if this was my very situation in reverse.

28 September 2007

Je Vais Aller

The week at work has been a bit busy. Cancellations by Mr.Aloof on Monday and Tuesday, but no surprises there. Finally got to meet up with SH which was cool. And AL arrived yesterday and we went to the Japanese Craft exhibition at the British Museum and to dinner at Busaba.

Tonight I just made us a simple dinner of broiled salmon with steamed spinach and rice all in a sesame/soy/oyster sauce sort of dressing. And now we are packing because tomorrow morning we are off to Paris for four whole days. When I get back, I'll be at work Wednesday and Thursday, and then I'll be off to Rotterdam on Friday for three days. How exciting!

And in the meantime, my second article is up and running for those who may want to check it out:
Patrick Jan Van Hove’s Nude Women
The Art of Love

23 September 2007

Back in the Saddle

But not probably for what you think based on the last post. Yeah, I should be so lucky. No. This is more about the healing process and how my body is doing.

Before I got sick, I was really excited to sign up for this thing called the Hovis London Freewheel. Now, when all my shit got moved here three years ago, my bike was included in that shipment. Of course, my bike was also mangled in the process and I had to pay to get the front fins straightened and for a new handlebar. But I did that. I brought my bike home. I rode around the square that my flat sits on. I took my bike upstairs. And there it has stayed for the past three years.

Because I am terrified of cycling in London. The streets are narrow. The traffic is manic, and on the wrong side. Plus, while I love that I live in a really central part of Hackney, it also means that I'm surrounded by busier streets with buses and things on them. And what this meant is that my bike has sat and gathered dust for three years, while I occasionally have pumped up the tires to prevent rot.

So when this Freewheel thing came around, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get over my fear, and try this cycling thing in a safe and monitored environment. I know loads of people who cycling in London- there are many in my office. So I also figured there would be people I knew doing this. I signed up. I got people I know to sign up. And I figured I'd go cycling a couple weeks before the event to make sure I was up for the nine mile circuit.

Then I got sick. And I couldn't even think about cycling for the first month. But this day was lingering in my thoughts. I had been so set on it, so determined. I wanted to do it. I didn't want to give it up. In the meantime, most of the people I knew who had initially said they would do it, were pulling out for one reason or another. So it was down to me, my body, and my bike.

I figured that I would get to Victoria Park- my local 'hub' at least. See how I felt. Then I thought if I felt okay, I'd get down to the main course, and see how I felt. Then if I felt okay, I would go along the course and keep assessing how I was doing, keeping in mind that I would need to get back, but fully aware that I might end up walking my bike home.

At any rate, to keep this now long story shorter. I did it. I did it all. I got on my bike. I got myself to Victoria Park. I got my tires pumped up better, and I was off to the main event along very busy roads. Past SA's house. Past NE's house. Past Liverpool Street station. Busy as all get out, and I made it. And I got to the course, and I did the entire thing. I even managed to get myself home, though I got lost leaving Victoria Park and ended up on Mare Street which scared me at first, but then I was like, "No, fuck it, I can do this.", and I did.

So that was pretty fucking awesome really. The day was brilliant. The weather was superb. My ass hurts like a mother fucker, but hey, as well all know, I like that, so it's okay. I'm so pleased that I accomplished this thing that I set out to do. I'm so pleased that my body didn't hurt or fail in any way, aside from not being in shape for the cycling. But I still made it. And I'm even more pleased that I would not be scared now to cycle out there. At least in daylight. I'm only sad that because I did it all on my own, I don't have a single photograph of me out there on the day on my bike. Oh well. That's what memory is for.

21 September 2007

Time for Some Sex Talk

Well it's been a while since there's been some sex talk. Of course the main reason for this is that there hasn't been much sex going on around these parts of late. Now, there's been plenty of porn watching. With much indebted gratitude to A. And there was that whole period of time where I was sick, and then my gut was all cut open so having an orgasm really wasn't an option (and thank god when that ended).

So yeah, sex has been off the table a bit. But the porn watching and the general lack and of course the new job has made it a topic that is a bit more present in the front of my mind. Watching porn has been the main instigator of my current thoughts. It all started with a hood. Or rather, a video that included the use of a hood. Now hoods are something that I've had some curiosity about, but I'm not about to fork over a ton of cash for a sturdy leather hood. And anyway, that's the sort of thing that you really need a partner to play with (particularly in the lacing up). So while it's something I've always considered, I hadn't really thought about pursuing it on my own. Until I saw this video and a different sort of hood. This one was made from spandex with a stitched in blindfold. Easy to put on. Form hugging, and apparently breathable. I was intrigued. So I googled spandex hood to see what I could find, and lo and behold I found them! And at a far more reasonable price than leather. So I decided a new toy delivery was in order and went about pricing out the hood.

But of course then it's only spend seven more pounds and get free delivery. Well, same same different might as well. But what to buy? What else did I need? And again, watching porn provided some inspiration because of course, in most male/female porn there is always the focus on the blowjob. The activity that still intimidates the hell out of me. "How can that intimidate you?" someone might ask. Well it's many things. For starters, for all the things I do, and those who read this blog every day, are well versed in the things that I get up to, I will remind the readers that I am sexually submissive. For me, part of what this means is that I have trouble initiating sexual activity. It's not that way for all submissives, but it happens to be that way for me. I need to know what my partner wants before I rush into giving it to them because I will freeze up with uncertainty if I am not sure. It is difficult for me to even reach out and hug someone sometimes. To invade someones personal space without a clear indication that it's okay. For people I've dated, it's actually a big deal for me when I can just go up to them and touch them without panicking inside. And I probably still panic a little bit. So what is more personal then just diving in and groping and sucking on someones genitalia? This is pretty much not something that I am going to be comfortable initiating.

But let's say I didn't initiate it and I had a clear indication that's what my partner wanted. Great. Now I will start to freak out that they won't like how I do it. For every guy who says 'every blowjob is a great blowjob' there is some honest guy out there who will admit that some women do it well, and some women don't. And I don't want a partner of mine to suffer through my blowjob because they don't have the heart to tell me it's terrible. But it's really difficult to talk about stuff like this honestly and openly. So I worry about this.

And lastly, there is the belief I hold that really, I don't do it all that well. For starters, I just don't have that much experience with it. I haven't been with that many people. And for as exploratory as the sex I've had as been, I haven't actually had all that much sex. I could probably count on my fingers how many times in my life I've given a blowjob. Well, maybe that's not entirely true, but if I added my toes, then it probably is. I also have a pretty sensitive gag reflex. I don't have to have things very far in my mouth before I start to gag if I am tense in any way. And I think what should be clear by now, is that the situation makes me pretty tense. I worry about biting down and scraping with teeth. I worry about retching. I pretty much worry about everything which means I am not enjoying the experience, I'm worrying about it. And on top of that, if you again take into consideration my sexual orientation, then on top of all of this mental strife, you can add to that how I desperately want to do a good job and please my partner because that's a critical aspect to my sexual pleasure. So of course I'm also worrying that I'm disappointing them in general.

So there you have it, why me and blow jobs have not really been best friends.

So what does this have to do with buying toys? Well, I decided I needed something to practice on, so I can try to just deal with this on my own. Watching all those porn girls suck dick like candy, I keep thinking that it shouldn't be that intimidating and it really shouldn't be that difficult. And the only way I'm going to get over this is to do something about it. Lacking a desirable practice partner means I need to look closer to home. Except most of my sex toys aren't shaped exactly like the appendage in question. And I'm not interested in bananas or things that can break off in your mouth. So I used my extra money allowance to get a couple of 'real life' modeled toys that I can practice on.

I was hoping this would make me feel better, and more comfortable, but actually, it has reinforced my insecurities terribly since I spent some of my evening getting reacquainted with just how sensitive my gag reflex really is. Still, there's loads of information on the internet by way of tips and pointers. I'm just going to have to keep at it for a while and hope that everything I've read is true, and that it does improve with practice.

The hood is pretty cool.

Mr.Aloof might be coming up one night next week. He's expressed an interest in my new hood. We met up last night in the city. It was really nice to just see him and catch up and spend some time together. But this isn't about him really. It just might mean there will be a post in the near future. Or not. After all, Mr.Aloof is aloof..... but the flirting does sort of encourage the sex related thoughts.

19 September 2007

My First Article

How exciting!!! After much back and forth with the artist, I finally have my first article up on the Art of Love site! May it be the first of many. Go on, you know you want to...
The Fluid Expression of Carolyn Weltman
Erotic art: Art of love

14 September 2007


Apparently it takes a while for the one remaining ovary to settle down into the role of providing the hormones that were once provided by two. What this means is that I have been having stupid mood swings for the past four weeks that have been driving me mad. I've just found myself at certain moments ready to burst into tears over nothing. Which is not how I normally am, so at least I am fairly assured that it's the hormones. Still, I've discussed hormones before and how much I am not fond of how they fuck with how I feel. I will be a lot happier when I am not worried about this coming and going of misery.

On the other hand, I'm very happy that today is Friday. I haven't been being the most productive at work exactly. I'm finding it really hard to focus. I mean, under the best of circumstances I can find it really hard to focus. But I feel that I've been particularly scatterbrained this week. I've been very forgetful about random things and maybe this is a little bit disturbing since one of the qualities that I have always tended to rely on in myself is my ability to remember insignificant and stupid things. Hopefully it's a passing phase, or related to the above hormone fluctuations.

In the meantime there are other things going on which are generally good. Some time this weekend a cleaner is coming to visit to assess my house for regular cleaning. I am so excited about this. I can't wait. Completely worth the minimal cost, and I know it will make me so happy to have a very clean house. I have also signed up a new flatmate. She moves in in just under a month. So my financial situation will improve, and that's cool. It's also good timing because I need my financial situation to improve because a friend of mine from New York is coming to visit and we are taking a long weekend trip to Paris. That will be the second time I've been to Paris, so I'm really looking forward to that. And the weekend after I go to Paris, I'm hopping back on the EuroStar and heading to Rotterdam for the office trip!

So it's important to make note of the fact that there are lots of good things going on at the moment. And that my silly hormones that are causing me distress are just chemicals.

And if I ever manage to settle on the images for the article I've written with the artist, my first article should be up soon! And I've already started on the second, so that's still very exciting, even if it does end up being a bit of work, I really enjoy it. Now, as soon as my next porn installment finishes downloading, I can go to bed!

10 September 2007

Uncomfortable Thoughts

When everything happened with the operation, there is only one friend of mine that I really wanted to see who I had to ask to come see me when I was recovering.

And that one person I asked still didn't come.

What does it mean when someone says if you ever really need them they'll be there? How much worse would things have had to have been? And the reality is... I knew in my heart... they'd never come to begin with.

It's why I didn't even want to tell them I was sick, originally.

Because I knew how much it would hurt my feelings...

...when they didn't show up.

06 September 2007


Well, so far September is being a bit of a mixed bag. Yesterday was the three week mark of being sliced and diced. I am tremendously better than I was, but I'm not healed yet. They did say six weeks for full internal recovery. And it is very clear that I am not healed completely on the insides. These things just take time, and time is passing, and every day I'm a little bit better. So really that's the most important thing.

This week is my first week back at work. I've been taking it easy and not overdoing it which has been fine. It's strange at work because I've been gone for a substantial chunk of time. There's a new person in my department as well, so that adds to the confusion of settling back in. But so far it all seems to be going okay as well. So that's good.

I've been working on my first assignment for the Art of Love website. Just now I'm waiting for the response to some interview questions I sent to an artist, and then I can finish up my article and get all of that underway. I'm still finding it tremendously exciting but I'm worried that I won't do a good enough job. This is probably a silly concern, but it will probably take a couple of articles until I feel more comfortable with it. Maybe I just still can't believe it's real!

My dating situation is about to pick up again I think. When I got struck down ill I had been talking to three extremely different people(s). I had even arranged first meetings with two of them for the week after I got ill which obviously had to be postponed. Now that I'm out and about and feeling a bit more like myself, I need to just meet these people as the email contact phase has gone on a bit too long in all cases. Mr.Aloof is still lurking in the background but that will never be the answer.

Oh, I should also add, that my newly inflamed interest in all things dating is because another person I know (hello you) has very generously recently shared with me some of his porn which aligns with my own viewing preferences. Watching this stuff before bedtime has given me some of the most extreme, pleasurable, but also frustrating dreams I've had for a very long time. Still, not at all complaining! Just makes me all the more interested in getting my act together so that it doesn't just have to be a dream in my head!

30 August 2007


I have spent far too long today looking up various artists and compiling a list of potential people to write about. This was a favorite pastime of mine before- looking up erotic art- but now I have added incentive to fuel my interest. Win win!

In other news I've just been hanging out mostly. Every day I can tell that my body is a little bit more healed. I'm a little bit more comfortable. And yet, I'm not. My lower abdomen is pretty fucking sore and achy. I tried to go without the painkillers but I'm back on them. There's no reason to be uncomfortable, even if it's a low-grade mild sort of thing.

Tomorrow I'm going to the funeral of the person who passed away in my office. I think some people are meeting here at my house and we're taking a taxi to the service. It's going to be difficult. And it's a little bit strange that I'm going to see a bunch of people for the first time under these circumstances. But I want to go and I think it's important to go, so that's really what matters.

It's strange how time is passing. I don't really have a good grasp on the fact that I've been off work over two weeks now. That my life was completely thrown up into the air. Because when I'm not moving, I can forget for a moment that I'm recovering, I forget that anything is different. But of course everything is different.

I also should add that I've had some odd mood swings periodically. I'm not sure if that's just normal, or if it has something to do with my one remaining ovary adjusting to do the work of two. Or maybe it's just part of the mental recovery from what I went through. All I know is that every now and then I've been struck by some serious bouts of maudlin that pass as quickly as they came.

29 August 2007

Good News

Finally! And what good news it is. I have managed to get myself a small side-job that I am so very excited about I could just scream. I have always thought that somehow I ended up in not quite the right place. Don't get me wrong, I really like what I do. But I like doing lots of things. And the one thing that I have never figured out how to satisfy is my more seedy side.

Thoughts of opening sex shops and why can't I write erotica or why wasn't I a better artist. But now, opportunity has come my way. I took a chance, and it worked out in my favor. I have just been given the position of erotic art reviewer for a website I've been reading for years. How awesome is that?

They're even paying for this position. And funny enough, when I sent my email of interest, it hadn't even occurred to me that it would be a paid position. Awesome, awesome and more awesome! I'm so excited!! It's something that I really love, that I am really interested in. And it's a little bit pervy! If I didn't feel like someone sliced my gut open about two weeks ago, I'd seriously be jumping around my flat!

(Now hopefully I haven't jinxed myself by being too excited too early....)

23 August 2007

August is Not Kind

- I had to go to the hospital in pain and had emergency(ish) surgery where I ended up losing my ovary and fallopian tube.

- My mother, who came to take care of me gets a call from her cat sitters to tell her on the day she arrives that one of her cats has died- they just found her dead in the apartment. Yes she was old, but it's the other cat that is currently being treated for bone cancer.

- A well loved colleague suddenly passed away yesterday while on vacation with his family. It was sudden and in front of his children. My office will not be the same again.

- My mother ended up getting some sort of molar infection and had to seek emergency dental treatment here which is never particularly ideal.

- Everyone else seems to be getting sick.

- And it keeps raining and it's cold.

- Edited to add: And my boiler just broke.

Enough is enough. This is ridiculous. Good news, please!

19 August 2007

Now That Was Unexpected...

Since it's normal for me to have a lapse in blog time, this current lapse is perhaps not unusual, but the reason is most unusual, so I suppose it is time for an update.

Last week on Tuesday I met up with SH for dinner which was cool. We had a really great evening actually and it was loads of fun. It was just really great to hang out and I am so excited about her moving here and moving in. As our evening wore on however, I started to get some cramping in my side which was somewhat uncomfortable and causing me to shift in my seat a bit, but I didn't think too much of it. If anything, I thought it was good timing that I was supposed to see the doctor on Wednesday, finally.

So SH and I parted ways and I headed home, the pain not going away at all. When I got home I tried to do some stretching and stuff but still could not get comfortable. I got into bed hoping it would lessen up, and it wasn't. So I called T. T was concerned and said I should go to A&E but I wasn't really sure because it didn't seem that bad, so she said she'd come over and we could decide if I really needed to go when she got there.

Getting off the phone, it seemed to get worse, and I ended up puking up my entire evening meal. I figured I should probably go to A&E so I called a cab and got myself downstairs. T met me outside where I was still retching into the gutter and about a minute later the cab came and off to the hospital I went.

Hobbling into the hospital and trying to explain to the man on reception what was wrong, the intake nurse just pulled me in her exam room and started taking my history. I explained about the cyst, and how I had an appointment (at the same hospital) the next day and that this had happened before which she was able to call up on her computer. So she called the gynecology on-call doctor to say they should really just admit me since they'd have to come look at me anyway and knew what the problem was, in the meantime I was going into one of the emergency cubicles to get a line in and some morphine.

Which is basically what happened. I was not comfortable and could not rest- twisting and turning and shuffling about. They gave me a bunch of morphine and I managed to calm down a bit, though there was still loads of pain, the body just tends to still. Then at some point they came to wheel me away and put me into a ward. The theory was- if the morphine seemed to be working, then the next day I could have a scan and they could decide how to proceed, but if the morphine wasn't working, then I was probably bleeding internally or something else terrible and there would have to be emergency surgery. Since the morphine took the edge off, it was into the ward for the night with me.

The next day I had an ultrasound scan which was pretty much the same as last time and in fact done by the same technician who indicated she thought the cyst had grown. So back to the ward and waiting for the registrar who said that they felt they needed to take care of it and I should be in surgery that afternoon.

I should also mention that in contrast to past attacks of the pain, it hadn't really gone away by morning and was still there at a low to mid-grade level, not as bad as the evening, but not gone. The past two times I'd gone to the hospital it had basically dissipated by morning.

So the rest of the day was something of a haze as I was still doped up on quite a bit of morphine. They came and had me put on special socks and a 'shower cap' and around five or so on Wednesday they came to take me away.

Waiting in the anteroom to the operating theater was very surreal. I also didn't know what to expect, which added to the bizarre quality of the experience. They knock you out there, before you're really connected to anything, before you are taken into the theater. I didn't know this. It just happened. Next thing I knew, I came to with a start in the recovery room where I was the only person since I had been the last scheduled surgery of the day.

Which was also very surreal because I have been there when other people have come off of anesthesia and they have been pretty out of it. And my surgery, which they had not been sure about going into it, had required both keyhole and full incision and had taken over an hour and a half (had it been possible to address the issue laproscopically it would have only taken about thirty minutes). At any rate, I came to like I had just woken up. Very alert. Though of course I'm saying I felt very alert and maybe I wasn't as alert as I remember, but we just talked and talked and talked as she monitored me and I was even cracking jokes because the machine kept insisting I wasn't breathing when clearly I was.

So after a while there they determined I was good enough to go back to the ward so they wheeled me out and I saw T and SP waiting on a window ledge and SP leaned in to T and said "She looks really groggy." to which I replied, "No, I'm not really groggy at all actually, I'm pretty alert." to which they both looked somewhat startled.

Then it was an entire night of self dosing morphine and hourly checks of my blood pressure and stuff. So Thursday, which was my birthday saw me fairly incapacitated and out of it, at least until they had me get up and move into a chair so I was sitting up which felt like someone was ripping into my gut and was most unpleasant. The nurses also got me a cake which was cool and I think by the end of the day I had managed to move spots so I was next to the window.

So there's probably loads more detail that no one wants to hear about. Catheters and laxatives and first showers and blood and pressure tape. There are also things about how my cyst went from 'large' to 'very large' to 'extremely large' by description. The most important thing to mention is how much of a star T has been throughout the process in terms of taking care of me and my life and being a contact for friends and family. I mean, it was bad enough that this happened the way it did, but if you consider that my birthday part was supposed to be this weekend and I'd invited a million people to my house, you can see how it was all going to be a bit messy. But I don't think I could say enough about how great she's been and helpful and organized so I think I won't even try to make any more of a mess of it, but just that without her, this would have been a complete disaster and with her, although unexpected, it has all been manageable and okay and that has made a huge difference that is immeasurable with simple words.

Anyway, my mom has just landed and should be here soon and I need to drink another glass of water. So I'm sure I'll update more later this week as I sit around being bored. But that was my birthday for this year. You know me. Gotta be different.