30 June 2006

Dumb Blonde

This morning on the bus, a woman got on with her Oyster Card in hand. She was initially blocking my view, but I could tell that she was trying to get it to read her card, and nothing was happening. Usually there is an aural signal that beeps if your card is accepted and beeps twice if it's rejected. But oddly enough, I didn't hear any beeping as she kept doing something to the reader.

It occurred to me that the reader could be broken, as they sometimes are, but then I recalled that it had just been beeping for everyone else. Frustrated, the woman turned to the next reader, fully within my vision and placed her card over the screen. Annoyed that the reader did not respond, she slapped it with her full palm against the screen a couple more times, holding it there in an exasperated fashion. She then walked through the bendy bus to the next set of doors and tried the same thing on both readers at that door before walking all the way to the driver where I heard a faint 'beep'.

Of course, at the reader by the driver it must have become instantly apparent that you do not put your card on the screen since it resides behind the driver glass, but rather on the large friendly yellow pad which anyone who owns an oyster card should really, really fucking know. Dumb blonde.

28 June 2006

Givers and Takers

Recently I have been considering relationships, as one does, and I have come to the conclusion that in every pair there is a giver and a taker. I could not think of one relationship I knew where one person wasn't the unbending party and the other was the more frequently accommodating party. Of course there are small battles that go against the grain, but when it comes to the bigger decisions and the overall flow of the relationship, it always seems that this is the norm.

Not that there is anything wrong with that necessarily. We can't all be givers and we can't all be takers, so to find a partner that compliments is not a criticism. However, unless you get ahold of your role, you run the risk of being taken advantage of by a more savvy, or unsavory of the opposite kind.

As it so happens, most of my friends are givers. Except for a few exceptions. This would also explain why I have never ended up dating my friends. But that's a side note. It's not wrong to want to give to someone, but it is healthy when it's for the right reasons. Some of my friends have a 'fixing' complex, as in, they are a giver and they need to 'fix' someone to feel useful. This is often taken advantage of by the most damaged takers who prey on such giving folks without ever giving them too much in return, or for that matter, without ever really 'improving', I mean, why would they? If they did, they'd lose all the giving that they're getting.

In fact, the only pairing of this nature that I've ever seen work at all is my father and step-mother. And let me tell you, that is hardly a model that I would encourage anyone to aspire to. My step-mother is near saintly and my father has to be one of the most self centered and socially inept people I've ever met. Their relationship borders on pathological and I would hardly wish it on anyone I know. And it's the only working example I have.

The best pairing is a taker who moderates a giver. Who only takes things that will as a side effect make the giver grow as an individual as well, not lessen as an individual. And a giver who knows that it's not material things that they should be appreciated for, but for the wonderful people they are that bring happiness and contentment to their paired taker.

The thing is, this isn't gender specific and it's not orientation specific. There are men who are takers and men who are givers. Stereotypically described as the 'selfish egotistical man' and the 'man who puts his woman on a pedestal'. There are women takers and givers, the 'no nonsense ball buster' and the 'caregiving mother figure homemaker'. In my own area of interest there are both dominants and submissives who fall into either category. Your preference does not actually indicate your give or take status. A dominant can be absorbed with their own experience with a submissive as useful prop, or they can be overwhelmingly fascinated by the experience they provide a submissive. And a submissive can be absorbed the headspace and emotions their submission gives them, or can be entirely concerned with pleasing their dominant at any expense.

Now that I'm looking again, I recognize, that really, I can't handle another giver. It drives me nuts and comes across as 'weak' and irritating. But I need to find a taker who appreciates taking from who I am, not just what I can physically give.


26 June 2006

Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream

I should have written it in my dream book, but I stayed in bed too long and needed to get moving, and anyway, it always seems like a hassle to write things in my dream book, and then I wish I'd done it later.

It started at work. Work was a much larger place with staggered levels. There were lots of windows and sunlight coming in. There was something about email, or a file. I had to go try someone else's computer to get to what I needed. Maybe there was pressure to find it. I don't remember.

For lunch I met up with SH and we get on a boat to go check out Sweden. We get to a vantage point and see all these boats in a harbor and a really cool castle on a rock. We think that the castle seems really cool and we should come back because it's so easy to get to Sweden on a lunch break! It was very touristy, and perhaps someone was telling us about this one turret where something in particular happened historically. Then something shifts and we are suddenly on the island castle in the very area we were just being told about. But lunch is only an hour and I we need to get back!

So we are on some sort of boat and there are two paths back, but we can't go the way we came from, which was Denmark because there is a giant mermaid who guards the boundary in the water and you have to go down this other channel/canal to get back around. So we start going that way, and good thing we did as I see the seven story mermaid in the water as we go past the quicker route.

Then, not really sure where I end up but there's a box of kittens who are all black and grey and striped in different and unusual ways for cats. They are all very cute and I'm trying to pick out the one I want which is the smallest one who is mostly black. Then I'm in some house and we're trying to watch the cats but some have gotten out and are hiding and climbing in all sorts of places, so I'm trying to collect them and then I'm talking to them. And it turns out the kittens have super-powers. So then we're organizing some sort of operation on some other building and the little black kitten that's my favorite is super fast and small, so she'll be going in first to do recon and prepare the way for the rest of us.

I know that doesn't make the most sense. But then, often times, my dreams don't. But at least they're fun.

25 June 2006

To Thine Own Self

It's just been a lazy weekend, and I'm not at all complaining about it. There seems to have been much stirring of late, in social circles. Alot of it has been mildly annoying. New people and newly returned people and all the hens seem to be out and pecking about for their order. I think I'd rather be a duck. Anyway, feeling slightly withdrawn from the usual gang, has given me time to think. Not about anything new really. Just analyzing my current geography and seeing how it lays.

I have always frustrated my closest friends by freely admitting that I am a frustrating friend to have from time to time. This is of course partnered with being a fantastic friend from time to time, but hey, no one is good all the time. I think the root of the frustration I tend to cause is because I do not try to lie about myself or my motives. I'm usually upfront about both the good and the bad. Which can defeat many an argument. Because I can be extremely rational about irrational behavior. Or, to put it another way, I see no point in lying about things I may find distasteful about myself.

There is certainly a school of thought which says, if you wake up every morning, face yourself in the mirror and say "I am beautiful and I love myself.", that sooner or later you will actually believe it. I don't belong to that particular school of thought really. I think it serves to create a mental schism where you learn to hate yourself even more, by burying your 'evil' thoughts so deep down that they become something to be ashamed of and kept hidden. I do not like the way that I look. I do not think I am attractive. On the other hand, I allow that this opinion is my own opinion of how I see myself, and not at all necessarily representative of anyone else's opinion. In this way, I circumvent the dilemma or argument as to whether or not I am actually attractive or not because I have allowed that it is a matter of opinion. No one can argue with you about how you feel about something. How you feel is simply that, rational or not.

One thing about me, that has stayed with me since I was a teenager is that I have no patience for lies. I truly dislike when people lie to me and I have no comprehension of when people lie to themselves. I mean, I really don't. Isn't life hard enough without obscuring it with dishonesty? It's not like anyone ever seems to benefit from their lies either. They just seem to be more alone and more self-hating than they would be otherwise. How is that actually an improvement?

I was talking about this with a friend of mine who said that it's really a damning moment when you feel you must lie to your friends. Because once you start, you are trapped by your own pride and shame. The thing is, no one is perfect. And no one expects anyone else to be perfect. We are all flawed. So by admitting our flaws, we can equally take real pride and ownership of our achievements. And we can honestly try to work on the flaws rather than trying to pretend they don't exist and letting them damage us by being kept secret. But I suppose that's a bit like counseling isn't it? You can't find any help until you admit that you have a problem. You can't get better until you admit that something is wrong.

And I guess the first step in that sequence is that you must be honest. Not only with yourself, but with others as well. It's something I strive for, and it's something I admire in others. The truth isn't always pretty, but then, neither is life most of the time.

Silly Online Twaddle

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

21 June 2006

Surprised to be Surprised

The problem with making silly decisions is that of course there is fall-out from them. I knew it wasn't the smartest move to make the offer I did to Mr.Aloof. The thing is, what's gotten to me isn't what I anticipated at all. It's that this scenario of making an offer, and having him be initially keen is going the way of our entire relationship. He's disappeared these past two weeks. He isn't going to take the offer up. He's just going to let it slide past. And I guess part of me is slightly astounded that it was this simple outcome that has thrown me. And of course this was the pattern for everything in the past. Of course it makes sense retrospectively, though none of my friends suggested it as a possible outcome when I said I was going to do it. He initially responded with interest and is now letting it lapse. I am, truth be told, somewhat annoyed.

And mostly annoyed at myself. Because what I really want to do is send him an email or a text saying 'hey by the way...' but this is where I have drawn the line. The offer was a one email, one time offer. That was my self-imposed condition of the offer. It was going to be what it was and simple, no more effort, no more investment. And that was it. So this renewed desire, not for something more, not for a relationship, but to not let an opportunity slip. That's my own fault. I just have to breathe through these annoying nagging desires and let the 28th come and go when the offer expired anyway.

It's just bugging me. And isn't being helped by my finding a site about contortionists (that I have a strange fascination with) and an image that makes me think of him and us and time together. It'll pass.

19 June 2006


Not that it's at all important for any reason whatsoever, but this is my 400th post. Though I'm going to tie that in to what I have to talk about here, I have amazing powers of association I tell you!

This weekend I was out and about quite a bit. Tlsd has talked about a bit of it here and here, so I don't see any need to go over things you can read elsewhere, I don't have much else I feel I need to contribute. On the other hand, the main thing tlsd missed was the sheep walk.

The sheep walk was a curious thing. For starters, it was supposed to be 60 sheep and there is no way that was 60 sheep. Maybe 30, tops- but I think possibly even less. I got to the Millennium Bridge at probably 10:45 where people were amassing like, well, like sheep.
I managed to squeeze my way down the narrow route, but was being increasingly shoved about and losing visibility because I am not that tall. In fact, I didn't really manage to see the sheep coming over the bridge, which was sort of what I wanted to see most. But that was alright, because I managed to follow them all the way back to Smithfield market taking photos along the way and being alternately amused and irritated by the animal rights protesters.

Of course, it's all a bit symbolic no? Sheep. I listened to another argument later in the day made by someone who works at my office that we bumped into who said, 'What do sheep have to do with architecture and raising awareness?'. And I thought, what a silly thing to say, because any event that can manage to drum up the masses and herd them towards a singular focus is actually highly effective.

People as sheep. It's not a new theory. Humans are pack animals. We follow trends. We look for directions. And often many of those who think they are on the fringe or cutting edge are actually not at all. Which is sometimes very apparent from an outside or more global perspective. I was thinking all these things over the weekend about people who want to fit in to things. About how overriding that drive can seem sometimes, and sometime obliterate people's unique and endearing characteristics- because they so desperately wish they were just like everyone else. I think about blogging and it's rise in popularity. Are we all unique, or are we all just sheep? And then this morning I read this article which seemed to slot in nicely with my thoughts that and it seemed like serendipity.

Not that there's anything wrong with sheep.

16 June 2006

Considering Relations

It's troublesome to have an idea of what it is you want, but not be able to find. Not even know how to begin to look for it. There is only one weekend left for Mr.Aloof to take advantage of the offer, and then I have decided I am seriously starting to go out and 'date' again.

For the record, dating sucks.

Dating sucks even worse when you are perhaps slightly insecure about your looks and/or date-worthiness and throw in a desire to not just date any guy that you may get along with and feel a kinship to, but also, can he please be dominant in bed and know how to take charge?

I've never been one to 'fit in' with any sort of group. I always seem to exist on the periphery of groups. The bdsm community is no different. I am not ever going to 'fit in' with the people searching for a 'community'. I don't want a community, I want a partner. It really irks me off sometimes in bdsm circles how people refer to their partner as 'my dominant', 'my owner', 'my slave', 'my submissive'. I think I would rather refer to and be referred as 'my partner' who happens to be submissive or dominant. Of course this would piss off a lot of 'in scene' people I'm sure. I guess what I don't like in the bdsm community, or really, from anyone, is the exhibitionist desire to force their intimacies on everyone else. Your dominant partner may be 'your dominant' but out of those two choices I'd rather emphasize "your partner". It seems like the more important of the two. As an example, if I was gay and I was referring to my gay partner, I wouldn't say, "my gay" would I?

The thing is, I don't do myself any favors with thoughts like these, but who else can I be but myself? I'm not sure if I'd be better or worse off if I was not bdsm inclined and looking. On the one hand, it makes it easier to find people, but on the other hand, it makes it easier to find a lot of people none of whom are quite right. It's frustrating seeing people with relationships I want. It's hard to know that there is a precedent for what I believe in. At least I know I'm not completely crazy, but I know I'm not mainstream. Fuck, I'm not general public mainstream, and then I get into bdsm world and I can't even fucking be mainstream there. Ridiculous.

I know I'm rambling a bit here. I'm tired and need to go to bed. But the start of this train of thought was actually that it's actually taken me some time perhaps to reach a point where I want a partner and not just a dominant. When I first figured it all out, I did just want a dominant. Saying that one wants a partner is saying that one wants more. I want more. I worry, in sleep headed times like these, that I'm really never going to find anyone. That I am utterly disfunctional as a person and incapable of finding anyone who wants me as their partner. But hope springs eternal. I'll get over it. I'll get back on that horse.

But fuck, I'm really not looking forward to it. Dating sucks.

14 June 2006

Just Say No to Roachie

Now, the best thing that Scarlet magazine generally has to offer are the articles. The porn is okay, but not usually my brand of erotica. And recently they've started up a regular email newsletter which I usually scan and then delete. However, the one received today deserves a bit of a note for drawing my attention to this. Really, just, why?!? No, I mean, WHY?!?


At the moment, this is what I am suffering from.

There is a point in your more adult life when expectation is vaguely removed. If you do not have children, and do not plan to have children any time soon, and you have attained the degrees and professional accolades that you desire, then what else should you be doing with your life? Whatever you want, really.

To be fair, I am not entirely in this position yet. This month is becoming a sort of limbo place in my memory, even though half of it has not yet occurred. There are a couple of reasons for this.

The first reason is that, against general opinion, I did make the offer to Mr.Aloof for one last play session in the warehouse before he moves out. He moves out on the 28th of this month. Although he seemed interested and keen initially, he has since gone off on one of his regular disappearing bouts. Because I am no longer attached to him in the same way, this makes me sad perhaps, because I think one last night of roll in the hay, otherwise known as, hung from the rafters and tormented mercilessly, would be fun and a pleasant sort of way to say goodbye. On the other hand, if it doesn't happen, I'm also content knowing that my relationship with him is now a thing in the past, and the memories I already have of being hung from the rafters and tormented mercilessly are really good enough. Anyway, he has two weeks yet to make plans. I'm not holding my breath.

The second reason is that it occurred to me a couple of days ago, that the end of this month brings renewed studying for my next exam. I don't think I can convey the dread that I feel, knowing I need to start up the machinations to prepare for a new exam. Or, that this exam is supposed to be the most difficult of all the multiple choice tests. This is why I am leaving two months to study for only this exam, and also why I am only taking one exam on my future trip home and not two. These exams are also why I am not, as stated in the second paragraph here, completely free yet to do what I want. In fairness, the exams do not interfere very much with the course I may or may not set my life on, but they do in fact, interfere. For starters, they eat up my vacation time by requiring me to go home twice a year these past two years as opposed to any alternative. Also, the act of studying so intensely at these intervals during the year means that I have been very reluctant to sign up for a course or pursue alternate learning as I don't want it to conflict with the studying I must do, and also, I get so sick of studying and learning that I can't bear the thought of adding another, even if it were to be for fun.

And so there it is, a moment in my life, June 2006 that is already encapsulated in my mind. Already the past when it's still in the future. It's sort of a time of waiting and incubating. I feel as though I am just passing time perhaps, and not necessarily living my life. And I'm so very complacent at the moment, that this thought of waste and indolence really doesn't bother me at all. Which is fitting, I suppose.

If someone got me riled up about something, I'm sure I'd have more to say, and might even break through of my stupor. But maybe an occasional stupor is a good thing?

11 June 2006

Good & Bad Heat

This weekend, it has been pretty hot in London. Saturday it was hot, but there was a lovely breeze blowing all day as well. So while it was sunny and warm, there was respite at least.

Today however, it's been another matter. It has been equally hot, though probably slightly more hazy than sunny. Unfortunately though, the pleasant breeze that caressed the sweat away yesterday, was noticeably absent today. Instead the trees and plants hang limp and still in the oppressive air.

Tomorrow at work, I will probably be happy that we have new 'comfort cooling' installed, though it doesn't work well for the entire office. I'll probably be too cold and get sick.

Hello summer.

10 June 2006

All Shades of Wrong

My friend SH pointed me towards this site just now. It's really funny, in a gross and disgusting way, but not really visually offensive. Just thoughtful offensive. I love it.

09 June 2006

An Ode To My Friends

The Princess, Isis Glitzshock
Had friends who were obsessed with cock
They'd joke that she dribbled
And show how she wiggled
While laughing and cracking their shit up!
Yes, I made that Limerick!

08 June 2006

Summer Season

Last night was the start of office softball, which for me tends to represent summer in London. It's always a pain getting out of the office and to Regent's Park, and last night was no exception. With five of us already piled into the car, we were waiting on one more who insisted on having a ride, except he was being slow while everyone else was waiting. I said we should just go, but we waited and waited until eventually he showed up and squeezed in the back seat. Then we had a torturous drive through London rush-hour traffic to get to Gloucester Gate where we were finally able to meet up with the people we were playing with and set up camp in the park. And what a beautiful afternoon/evening it was to be hanging about in the green grass knocking a ball about. It doesn't hurt of course, that we spanked our opponents silly, 45-19. Which was really only because they were that bad and not at all because we are good. Still, it added to the experience!

Afterwards, everyone and their mother tends to go to the Edinboro Castle which is always packed full of people. I really wasn't in the mood to go anywhere packed full of people and was feeling particularly tired and grumpy having popped a Benadryl in the park because of allergy irritations. Somehow though, I managed to stay until eleven, and past the time when other people had left, so I guess it wasn't all that bad after all, though I still could have quite easily just gone home and been just as happy.

Home has been a bit strange lately as I haven't seen my flatmate D except for minutes in passing. I think he's been staying over at his girlfriend's, which is cool. I think he's doing it on purpose as she has spent an awful lot of time at ours. Still, I don't want to feel like I've pushed them out in any way, and also, it's really strange to see signs that things have moved around slightly, but to have no one there. I guess what I'm saying is I rather like having a flatmate, and while I do like my alone time, I guess I like it better when I know that I'm going to have time to myself, and not when it's a surprise.

There isn't too much else going on in the way of things. Oh... I guess there are various things going on, but I don't feel like talking about them for various reasons. I still love my rug though. Ah.... rug.

06 June 2006

The Mundane

Not too much to write about really. Not nearly anything as fun and exciting as Sunday. Yesterday I had a lot of work to do, and had to stay at work until eleven just to get it all done. So there really wasn't any day there. I could go on about how the project was mis-managed, about how too much of my time yesterday was spent answering questions that were not about the work I had been assigned to do. But what's the point? My review is next week, and I'll bring it up then maybe.

Speaking of reviews, C's review went well- so that was very good news. At least, she feels what she had to say was well received and listened to. Mine is next week Friday. Guess I should start working on it really. Don't want to miss anything. I just haven't been in the mood after all the stuff I went through in January.

As for this upcoming weekend, another trip to the market to pick up my framed photographs. On Saturday I think it would be funny to go see this. Not to participate though. Oh no.

04 June 2006

One Third the Story

It's late, and I should do some laundry, and I need to do some work. I think it's going to be a bit of a long night really. Shame, when the day was so enjoyable. My day started very early today. I was supposed to meet with C yesterday to go over the points that she wants to make in her review which is tomorrow. But yesterday, being such a nice day, C decided that she'd rather play on her new decks in her bikini in the sunshine instead of preparing for work. So we rescheduled for today, early this morning.

I met C at ten at Hackney Central and we went to the Bohemia Cafe for some breakfast and some planning. We did so, then retreated back to mine, as time was a bit short, since I had an appointment for noon. Of course, coming back to mine, C and I plopped ourselves down on the lovely rug to do a bit more work before it was time to catch a bus. Before going for the bus however, I needed to consider a disguise. I chose a cowboy hat and to borrow C's glasses. Not the best disguise, but I forgot and would have asked C to bring her monkey mask if I'd thought about it. No matter. Prior to meeting C this morning, I had wrapped a discreet package of three cookies and two Hershey dark bites in a non-descript brown paper wrapping.

On the bus to Spitalfields, I got a text suggesting my target had reached the drop point ahead of me. I texted back that he should take position, and that I would be there shortly. C and I were only about five minutes off. As we came around the busy plaza, I noticed the plethora of people milling about, with a number seated in the desired position. But only one was reading a book, and, it was the correct book. He was positioned in such a way that I could have sat behind him briefly, left the package and sent a text saying to turn around, but C didn't think that was good enough. She suggested I go place it behind the red church sculpture, and that she would then watch to make sure the exchange happened without interference.

So feeling quite nervous and jumpy, I prepared a text saying to go behind the red church to his right, while we walked just behind him and over to the small sculpture. Crouching behind it, I peered through the small window as a tourist might do, while carefully placing the package in the crook of the metal. Getting up, I headed towards the bike shop which is the first shop in the arcade, and sent the text. From inside the shop, I could see the white shirted lad pass through and out of my field of vision, and then after a while return. Simultaneously, I start getting called for SA asking where the cookie drop is happening. He was, at that very moment, about three meters or so from the cookie holder. Now during this time I'm getting texts and phone calls from three people and trying to answer all of them while simultaneously shaking for no apparent reason. I am definitely NOT an adrenaline junkie!! So next thing I know, SA is asking the cookie holder if he can have a cookie! Cheeky sod! Those were not his cookies to have! But the polite cookie holder shared a cookie with SA, even though he did not deserve it and had eaten plenty previously. Leaving the slightly lighter cookie holder, SA went around and met me in the bike shop, then C came back to join us and while I would have probably just wandered off, SA and C convinced me I had to reveal myself. Which, was perhaps fair, as I had now seen the cookie holder, but he had not seen me.

So I walked just past him, and sat behind him while I got a text from him asking if I was C (well, she had been the most obvious observer) at which point I texted that no, I was not the one with the green belt, but rather the green shirt, and I was sitting directly behind him, and so the drama concluded!

The rest of the day was spent picking up the photograph I dropped off last week to be framed, and dropping off two more to be framed together (it's great when you just meet people and they get to see you dropping of pictures of naked women, I just love the impression I must give). The weather was perfect, the sun was shining. SA, tlsd, and C all wanted to talk to the framer about framing things for them, and then we wandered through the market to get SA's lounge rug. Then more general walking around shopping and snacking. Off to the market in Truman Brewery and then back to Spitalfields as we met up with J, C's boyfriend who brought her print to frame.

It was all good fun having our little motley crew of chatty folk wandering about here and there. It was pleasant and enjoyable in a way that's hard to describe. Of course it's difficult to try and keep track of so many people in such a busy place, but no one seemed to mind, and so all was well.

You may think that was enough fun and excitement for the day, but after the cookie holder had to depart for other plans, C, J, tlsd, SA, and myself all went to this car boot art sale that was being held back by the Truman Brewery. That was a bit nuts really, and I don't think it was really worth the pound it cost me to get in, EXCEPT that I did get to meet the guy that has been making the potatoes!!! I gleefully told him how I'd snapped a bunch of pictures of his potato art installations, and he promised me he was making a whole lot more. So that was perhaps worth my pound. I also purchased a button (badge for you British folks) of my part of town from some artist types who were 'selling off London' button by button. I am in fact, wearing it now.

From here things started to wind down, and it was just me and tlsd looking for a place to have a meal and finally get off our feet. We ended up at a curry house on Brick Lane which was nice, though the waiter was not. And then we trudged tiredly, but happily home. Of course now I should have been working and doing laundry but instead have been on the phone with my father for ages, and I believe it has started raining, or it is about to start raining as the smell of ozone has gotten quite strong and there is a funny chill to the air.

Tomorrow is going to be a bitch at work, and I'm likely going to be doing a late one. Good thing then, that today was such an exceptionally nice day.

02 June 2006

Low Defenses and Fortification

Oh, the night is my world
City light painted girl
In the day nothing matters
It's the night time that flatters
In the night, no control
Through the wall something's breaking
Wearing white as you're walkin'
Down the street of my soul

Oh my. It's really just the evening when I apparently lose my mind and start having really bad thoughts. In the morning, during most of the day, I'm not really thinking I need a final night with Mr.Aloof. What I'm thinking is, it's over, and I need to recoup and move on. Like right now, I'm okay with not having a final night.

You take my self, you take my self control
You got me livin' only for the night
Before the morning comes, the story's told
You take my self, you take my self control

It's part of the cyclical flip-flopping that I'm honestly getting quite annoyed with. There is no future with Mr.Aloof. And yes, the sex was good. The play was fine. But I can find good sex and good play with someone else, can't I? Someone who actually cares about me. Someone who might actually want to be with me. It's ridiculous to pine for someone who doesn't fulfill my needs. Only one particular need. And even though done well, it just isn't enough.

Another night, another day goes by
I never stop myself to wonder why
You help me to forget to play my role
You take my self, you take my self control

It's so fucking complicated isn't it? I wish I had more experience with such things. I wish I'd dated more when I was younger. I wish I'd been more confident, and less self-hateful. I wonder if I'm ever really going to find anyone. I wonder if I'm ever going to have sex again, with someone I like or care about. I've at least gotten to the point where I know I can have sex if that's all I want. But it's not all I want, I want more.

I, I live among the creatures of the night
I haven't got the will to try and fight
Against a new tomorrow, so I guess I'll just believe it
That tomorrow never comes

I wonder if it's so unusual to be so honest about my conflicting emotions. At any rate, it's interesting to see how my friends are handling their situations differently. In a way, I wish they reacted more like me. Then maybe I'd feel more normal and not so freakish in all this. Sometimes, like right now, I think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. What did it matter about me and Mr.Aloof. He wasn't the one, I was dumb, move on. So why all this energy into it? It makes me feel worse that I can't somehow be instantly better.

A safe night, I'm living in the forest of my dream
I know the night is not as it would seem
I must believe in something, so I'll make myself believe it
That this night will never go

01 June 2006

Opportunity and Action

Things of note or on my mind in the past many hours between now and when I blogged last:

- I have to work with a director in my company that I am not fond of working with. First it was 'you will be helping with the urban design'. Then it was 'the four of us need to meet to work on the design'. And then finally it became, 'great, so you start the 3d model of the context while I get working on the masterplan'. So I did a couple quick sketches about the site and passed them off anyway, and they were mostly cast aside and nothing about her drawing really changed. I like being a monkey. Not. Good thing reviews are in two weeks. I could really meet with them for about half a day.

- I cooked a very yummy meal for me and tlsd while we watched a couple episodes of Alias and she rolled around on my new rug. Like, literally. It was my first attempt at katsu. I made organic chicken breasts from Tescos. Then I made some steamed spinach with dressing, and some rice. For dessert I just cut up some strawberries with vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce and half a peanut butter cookie. Of course.

- I have toyed with the idea of a covert operation over the weekend to deliver a cookie to persons unknown. I never realized how hard it was to be a spy. So fucking complicated! I have my doubts this cookie drop is going to happen. Shame, for them, it's a really good cookie.

- In other news, I sent my reply to Mr.Aloofs email which succinctly made it clear that such advances were not welcome. Today he sent me a short and friendly email apologizing for his behavior. Now I desperately want to have one last night with him. A no strings attached night in the warehouse before he moves, of sadistic and intensive fun. I strongly feel that I can do this right now, and it's probably some sort of huge mistake so I'm sitting on the idea for the time being. It wouldn't change anything. At the moment I feel like it would be some sort of closure. Except we've had verbal closure. I just want.... one last night. What to do... what to do....

- Did I mention tlsd is back? We didn't get to have lunch today because of the annoying director from above who thought it would be a good idea to schedule a meeting for lunchtime. There will be no such meeting tomorrow.

- And oh yes, tomorrow, is Friday- in case you didn't know.