Precarious

I am glad to be home. My house seems sort of unfamiliar. Everything feels a bit strange.

Heathrow met me at the airport yesterday and we went to the reservoir to which he belongs and went sailing as part of their open day. It couldn't have been a better day. The sun was shining, the weather was mild. We had a really good time out there and it was a lot of fun.

Except... we didn't really make out or hook up and we certainly didn't have sex. We cuddled for a bit. But that was all. Of course, I am partially to blame because I am simply not aggressive when it comes to intimacy and find it hard to voice my desire for it. But then again, even though I didn't, he didn't either and while I know I am held back by fear of rejection, maybe he was held back because he just didn't want to.

This upset me, even though overall, we had a really brilliant day.

I got home and pretty much crashed, but got a strange call from S about work basically saying not to come in this week. In fact, it's been a week of my feeling paranoid about this already so of course now I am invigorated in my paranoia that I have lost my small part time job.

The only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit over this at the moment is that I just arranged some work through one of my freelance clients for this week which means I'll have something coming in, and then D, S's partner from work just called me about a personal matter to draw up a planning application for a house extension for him, so that would be work for next week. But then it looks like I may be entirely screwed.

I called the PhD people today and left a message asking about what's going on with the selection process.

There's a job through crossrail I need to apply for but I think I am under qualified for, and will have far too much competition for, but I will apply regardless.

I feel like I've come back to some alternate reality where everything that was just barely fine and under control is suddenly not fine at all, and not at all under control and if I don't hold on very very tight and pay very very close attention I am simply going to lose it.

Of course, if I lose it, there is only me to pick myself back up so it will be some sort of minor tantrum of embarrassment before it's left to me to pick up the pieces anyway.

I hope things settle back into some sort of positive routine soon. Because I don't know what I'm going to do otherwise.

Fly Day

I have limited time to type here because computer access has been squeezed around when my mom has needed her computer.  It's the only computer here and she works from home so access has been spotty at best.

So today is the day.  In about ten hours I head to the airport, in about fourteen or so I should be in the air.  I started to feel sick yesterday which wasn't nice.  I know what it is of course- it's the phobia kicking in.  That dropping feeling in the pit of my stomach and slight nausea that accompanies me every minute.

This has created some stress.  And possibly just being around my mom has created stress.  At any rate, my personal psychosis that are triggered by stress are in fairly high gear at the moment.  The ones where I get paranoid about terrible things happening that tend to involve me, or more specifically, my rejection.  So I'm freaked about work at the moment- like maybe I don't have a job anymore.  And I'm freaked about Heathrow- like maybe he's not interested anymore.  And really those are the main things to freak out about although I'm also a bit freaked to see how my flatmate has kept up the flat, but that's less paranoia and more actual worry because she's very messy!

The trip has been pretty good overall though as far as such trips go.  Saw some people lots and others not as much as I would have liked and of course others not at all, but they don't live by me so it's hard.  I'd love to be able to see everyone but then I couldn't really see my parents and I'd spend my entire 'vacation' traveling around which, now that I haven't lived in the US for some time, seems like a huge pain in the ass.  But I got assorted cool and necessary things.  I ate lots of Mexican food (for some reason this was the trip of Mexican food as opposed to most years which have been the trips of sushi) and other tasty stuff.  I enjoyed the unseasonal warm weather and the blooming trees.  And I did enjoy the time with my parents even though they drive me nuts in their own special ways.

Last night I came within moments of having a nuclear explosion with my mother when the dinner topic turned to one that is vaguely off limits.  Still, it's something we haven't discussed since high school and I was astonished that her version of events seemed to have shifted unrecognizably.  Neither one of us brought up the particular topic- it was a friend of my mom's who was at dinner talking about her own experience.  Still, I would consider the time in my life that this particular thing happened to be one of the pivotal life-changing moments of my life.  One I have held up as the reason for the shift and vague deterioration of the relationship between me and my mother.  Mainly that when I was in my senior year of high school and getting ready to go to college we had a massive falling out over money- and more specifically about the money my father was supposed to be paying for my college education by order of their divorce agreement.

We had countless screaming arguments where my mother told me I would have to take my father to court.  That she was done taking him to court and it was my college eduction and it was my responsibility.  And I told her no, it was her divorce agreement and I wasn't going to take him to court that was her job.  And it all fell apart around this topic.

So last night this woman is saying something about her son going to college once upon a time and how his father wasn't paying and she didn't want him to take him to court because it would ruin the relationship and somehow our own struggle comes up but my mom was all like, "I would have taken your father to court if you had supported me." and denied completely that she told me that it was my job to take him to court and anything else that she actually said.

The topic was quickly dropped but what infuriated me no end about this exchange aside from it being blatantly a lie, is that it's not even logical.  I would like to ask my mother in her version of events that if she was so willing to take my father to court, then how come she never contacted a lawyer?  And what pray tell did my 'supporting her' have to do with anything?  I screamed at her I don't know how many times that senior year of high school to take him to court for the money.  Of course I supported her getting the money off of him.  So why didn't she do it pray tell?  Because if she was SO WILLING to do it, then please explain to the court why the hell you didn't?

I'll tell you why- because that isn't how it fucking went down!  Jesus.  As if I would forget those moments that changed my life forever or shaped me into who I am.  When I felt betrayed by the woman I loved and trusted and had supported my whole life only to have her come shit on me.  As if one could forget their mother saying they were done with lawyers and still paying off bills and weren't going to do it anymore.  As if I could forget the repeated comment of "It's your responsibility it's your education."  SO ANGRY.

Which only made me wonder what other nuggets my mother may have created to lie to herself about some of her more spectacular fuck-ups as a parent.  Like... what does she think happened with my aunt's estate?  When I said, please stop dangling money in front of me every time I speak to you, come to a conclusion about the estate, tell me what percentage you think I deserve, and then just give it to me.  And if that percentage is zero, then you tell me to my face you think my aunt would have wanted me to have nothing from her estate and so be it.  Well, I remember that conversation clear as day.  I remember where I was sitting.  And has she ever told me a percentage that she thinks my aunt would have wanted me to have?  Or has she EVER given me any money specifically as 'from my aunt'?  No. Every time she spends any money in the past ten years it's always I need to thank her specifically and meanwhile I know what money she got, and continues to get from my aunt's estate and she hasn't had the balls to say to my face that she thinks my aunt would have wanted me to have NOTHING.  Because that would be so much a lie that I'm not sure how you could even say it out loud.  And yet, with this recent distortion of the truth, all I can think is that she must have made up some bullshit story about that as well to make her feel better in life.

But seriously, my entire personality has been shaped about remembering details of interactions like this because I couldn't trust my parents.  Ask any of my friends about my ability to remember strange details and verbatim conversations that we may have had.  I developed that skill as a survival technique and I would bet my house and every possession I have about the words that were said to me and that I said in this particular situation.

However.

I don't want to leave here furious and angry at my mother.  Because what happened to me has happened to me, and so what if she remembers it differently?  How does that change the past?  How does that change how these critical life moments have made me who I am?  It doesn't of course, but I don't like to hear my fundamental truths denied or worse called lies.  That makes me so furious.  But then, she's the only mother I have.  Human like everyone else.  And particularly flawed when it comes to feeling like a victim.  I accept her for who she is.  I love her because she's my mother.  And I'll miss her.  Even if she makes me this angry.

I just don't want to think about all this before a flight.  It isn't a nice way to part company.  Even if I'm pushing it down inside- that just adds to my phobia stress and makes me pretty miserable.

Ugh.  I can't wait to just be home.  Leaving and traveling is difficult enough.  I didn't need this.

Spending

I already knew this was not going to be an inexpensive trip for me. I mean, it was going to be impossible not to spend money, and so I am of course spending money. Carefully, but still spending.

My mother emailed me here at my dad's to say that my gynecologist has canceled my appointment because she is 'on vacation' which you would think would be known in advance of having made an appointment which sort of makes me think that maybe it was an unplanned sort of vacation, but what difference does it make? With my only one ovary left (with a known cyst on it no less), I'm a bit cautious about my hoo-ha health and a bit wary of the NHS and their ability to get anything right.

Well, I could make an appointment with another doctor but that's sort of not the point. Oh whatever. I'll skip it this year and I'll probably regret it later. But that's how life works I guess.

The reason of course this has to do with spending is it is one less thing I am paying for- a doctor's appointment and the subsequent tests that were sure to follow. Today I have a dentist appointment so will pay for that. Hopefully I don't need anything done because of course that's on top of the regular exam cost.

And then there's the clothes. I went shopping with E yesterday for some work pants because I don't have any pants I can wear to work. I've been wearing a lot of skirts. And while I like skirts, there are times I just want to wear pants, and jeans aren't really appropriate. So I managed to get three pairs of pants (two that need to be shortened) which was good, but costs money and of course there were some really cute tops that were perfect and wonderful so I got a couple of those too, but I can wear them for work as well, so it's not like it's bad, it's all just money.

On top of this there are meals with friends. I have a lot of people to catch up with and it tends to happen around a meal which means paying for a meal. I had one on Friday when I got in and I have another today. I only see these friends once a year so I'm not going to begrudge a couple of dollars here and there, and it's not like we go to overly expensive places- it all just adds up.

Oh well. It'll be fine. It's just my savings. At least I have some to draw upon. For this trip I'm using my US savings account to try and limit the impact on my UK account. If my UK finances are okay, I can always try to send myself some money back to replenish.

Actually that reminds me that I was going to see about cashing in some bonds to put in my US account. I'm sure I have some old bonds still lingering around. Bonds have been a lifesaver at various moments in my life and I am a big fan of giving them to children along the way.

There isn't too much other news. Tomorrow I go back to NY and I am still feeling paranoid about things with Heathrow but trying not to let the crazy take over too much. I'm enjoying my trip so far, even though I'm concerned about spending. And I know I'll be back in the UK before I even know it!

Internet Toy

Because I feel violent and need to blow off steam.

Mind Tricks

So did I say yesterday that being away and with my family brings out some of my psychosis? Let me put it here because it's driving me batshit crazy and I need to say something somewhere without saying what I really want to say- yet.

So Wednesday before I left I emailed Heathrow. This is standard practice for us as we email regularly in the time we don't see each other. My email on Wednesday was mostly about how crappy I felt about flying, so when he didn't reply to that, I wasn't completely taken off guard, though I won't say that it didn't bother me a little bit. Still, what can people say in the face of my phobia? I let it go as a one off.

So yesterday at six in the morning my time, I emailed him again. More chatty- about the stuff I've been up to, a more 'normal' email. Asked how he was, whatever. But as of yet, no reply.

No reply.

This means I haven't had any email off of him since Tuesday- or possibly Wednesday morning. Lets just say Wednesday. The point being, it's not the typical pattern and when I am traveling and my world has been ripped away from its normality, I am particularly and overly sensitive to what is 'normal' and what is 'not normal' and right now I have this very loud and irritating voice in my head practically screaming that 'SOMETHING IS WRONG'.

This is also backed up by the knowledge that he's been online, he just hasn't emailed me.

I know from therapy that my first instinct is to jump to the conclusion of rejection. I'm already doing this in my head in fact- hearing him say that he's mad/angry/upset/bored and doesn't want to be with me like that anymore. Except when I try (very hard) to think logically about it, that doesn't seem to be what should happen. But it's my biggest fear and probably my biggest trigger.

My current plan is to wait until Wednesday to send another email which casually asks what's up but is still chatty. I will put down here for the record however, that I feel like it is driving me completely batty. I hate that I feel like I leave someplace and everything falls apart and I lose things somehow. It's a bit hard to explain, I just know that loss/rejection is a huge issue for me- so much so that I preemptively look for it, even if it's not there.

But what if it is?

** Edited to add, email received. Nothing out of the ordinary (though I admit to the ordinary being slightly less than so). Craziness momentarily abated.

Mixed

No images at the moment. Maybe I'll add some later. It's just too difficult when borrowing other people's computers. How much do I wish I had my own computer right now? So very much indeed. What I really would like is one of those small netbooks for traveling. Lets face it- all I want to do when I travel is pretty much the Internet. A netbook would be perfect. Alas.

So the trip was okay I guess. I popped 1.5 mg of xanax before the flight which had me pretty well sleep before take-off. The guy sitting next to me was sort of chatty though, so that kept me from passing out entirely, although I did eventually. The flight was intermittently turbulent however, so I kept jerking awake in a panic. This must have happened no less than ten times, so it wasn't great, although I don't think I ever had a full fledged panic. It still wasn't fun.

Met my mother in the car outside and we drove home where I promptly passed out for real. Woke up probably a bit too early but managed to get about six hours of sleep so the jet lag hasn't been awful. Then Friday was spent rushing about getting shoes and then going to a seamstress to get the bridesmaid dress altered. What a mess. The alterations are going to cost me more than the dress, but what could I do? I could have possibly ordered a size smaller, but possibly not. It would have been questionable and the last thing you want in a dress is questionable on the small side. So I went for the larger size, but it's seriously way too large and needs drastic surgery. It's not so bad in the body, but the bodice is ridiculous and they're basically going to have to completely rebuild it. Plus it has stays in it, so it's not as simple as it looks. Oh well. In the end, I'll have a lovely dress that fits well and I can wear again. And the bride covered the base cost of the dress, so in the end... it's fine. It's more astonishing than anything else really.

Then I got dropped at Penn Station to take the train down to DC. Luckily no one sat next to me so I had the double seat to myself which was comfortable. I read some magazines and then decided to test out my tolerance for naughty behavior by watching one of the 'Training of O' porn videos I'd downloaded to my mp3 player. I was conscious of the fact that there were children in the seats around me and sat carefully so no one passing in the aisle could see the screen, and also, no one could catch a reflection in the window either. I watched the entire thing and rather enjoyed it, and not only because I was watching it on the train.

Then my friends M and T picked me up from the train station and we went for dinner at a Mexican restaurant by them which was very very tasty. We started with a pitcher of margaritas and then we went back to their house and had cosmopolitans and played scrabble. With all of that drinking, it made more sense for me to stay the night so I stayed in their guest room and T made breakfast this morning and they dropped me off at my dad's and so here I am.

Me and E are going to see a play this evening. I've tried calling S but she was out, so I'm sure I'll talk to her later and Easter is tomorrow so we'll sort out how that's all working. But otherwise I've hit the first lull in the trip. Nothing to do. At least I have the computer handy. But then it's not my computer, so I need to be mindful to clear the history every time I leave it.

I'm missing Heathrow a bit- mostly because he hasn't emailed me back for a couple of days. Not sure he's been on the computer at all, still, it's just that when I travel I feel disconnected from 'my life' and so I find I cling harder to things as if to remind myself they're actually there and I haven't somehow lost them. It makes me uneasy but I'm sure this is some personal problem and not at all a sign of something actually being amiss.

I hope that J isn't making too much of a mess of the flat....

Some Thoughts on Relationships

I had a lovely dinner with Ms.Woo tonight. It's been far too long really. And while we caught up in general about general things, we chatted quite a bit about relationships, seeing as how we are emotionally twinned and not only share a great deal in our approaches and experiences, but can understand each other in this respect, amazingly well. Honestly, it's just... comforting in a way, to know someone understands exactly what you mean.

But I find myself in a strange situation. One that almost makes me uncomfortable I realize in that, my current relationship, while certainly full of its quirks and foibles, is actually okay. It's almost as though I feel like I am somehow betraying something about myself to discuss a relationship that I'm having that is not fraught with melodrama and insecurity and confusion. It seems wrong somehow. What does that say? Still work to do I think....

The thing is, this past year has not been an easy one when it comes to me and relationships. And really, this past year was simply a culmination of many years of bad relationship based experiences. For something like nine months post break-up I repeatedly broke my heart and head over Mr.Aloof. At the beginning of that cycle, I was in such a deep depression about the topic, that I started therapy. And probably, albeit in no particular way that I can pinpoint, therapy has been at the root of this current change in my life. Of course, I think I was primed for it- I was ready to try anything to end that particular cycle.

Tomorrow is my last therapy session for the time being. I think I need to live my new life for a bit and see how it goes. I find I don't have as much to say in therapy as I did. I find that life is actually okay, despite all of the inherent uncertainty. Of course, if I need her again- my therapist, I can always arrange more sessions. It's a process really. And this is where I am at the moment.

I'm at a place where I am conducting myself in a relationship that I would never have been able to before. Now, like I said, this relationship (with Heathrow- for any who are confused about it) is not perfect. Far from it. But it doesn't stress me out. It doesn't make me insecure. It doesn't fill my mind with obsessive and circuitous and self destructive thinking. I know what the problems are, and I know what I'm getting out of it, and it's all okay right now.

To put it simply, Heathrow is someone I would never have been able to date in the past. The qualities that I appreciate about him now would have made me feel insecure and uncertain before. Even the fact that I see him as more equal to me in our relationship as opposed to dominant in the relationship is something that I probably wouldn't have handled well previously, yet is something that I think is so much better than the previous pattern.

Which isn't to say that we're equal in the bedroom (or wherever we tend to be fooling around). The kink is there most definitely. But the relationship isn't dependent on the kink. In a way, I almost see this as a maturing of my kink as I was discussing with R at the new Peer Rope London workshop yesterday (which was fab and worth a different post). Once upon a time, my kink was a method through which I could deal with my relationship issues. Now that I am dealing with my relationship issues, the kink is free to just be enjoyed for what it is- without being inundated with emotional expectation and drama. Which is nice in a way, because it shows me that my enjoyment for kink is an inherent part of who I am- and not just a coping mechanism for relationship insecurities for which awareness I am probably grateful.

I am more in control in this relationship than I have ever felt in any relationship previously. Even if this is not 'the' relationship, it's one that I am glad to be having at this point in my life. One in where I spend time with someone who is fun and trustworthy and wants to spend time with me. One where I am comfortable being myself and not second guessing my actions and worrying all the time. One where I interact with someone who cares about me and pays attention when I drop hints about things.

Like when I said that the comment he made in passing about getting a pet tag made up for me, but then the shop was closed was a rather stimulating comment. And then I get the picture above in my inbox....

That's the best kind of kinky shmoop right there.

Awwwwww. *grin*