30 July 2008
29 July 2008
27 July 2008
In other news, it's hot. Too hot. Certainly to hot to have a hot computer sitting on me, so this is going to be short and I may even turn the computer off this evening. I think I've done enough damage for the day.
There was no rope work to be this weekend. That made me very sad. I really would like to have this come about. So fingers crossed that it will, and it was really just this weekend that didn't work out so well. But maybe that's okay. Because it's hot.
I've been reading loads. Not sure why this has come about but I've been gaga for books lately. Have ordered many off amazon and am devouring them just as fast. I love reading. Especially laying down in front of the fan. When it's hot.
I need to go cook some dinner. I have far too many vegetables in the fridge now- but I have people coming for dinner on both Monday and Thursday. So I need to think up ways to use the vegetables I have instead of buying more which was certainly not the point. Still, I need specific vegetables for specific dishes. Or to go with the ones I already have. Tricky.
Tomorrow I may find out if I have been made redundant. Then again, I may not. It's all rather confusing. But just like last week, I feel like I'd really just like to know. On the other hand, every week they put it off is that much closer to the time when I can apply for dual citizenship. So it's not all bad. Unless of course they tell us tomorrow and it's me. But I'll live.
Even though it's hot.
25 July 2008
I mean, someone explain to me, why today, I checked his profile when I didn't have to, when I shouldn't have. That it affected me, when I didn't want it to, when I wasn't prepared. That all day I've been dealing with that. So why then, why why why is today the day he decides to send me an email?
What I did was tremendous and huge and it took everything out of me while utterly breaking me in the process. Did I say that I thought I was making progress? That I thought things were improving? God help me but I am not strong enough to not send something back. I've already drafted it but I've had the sense to keep myself from sending it straight away.
Still, I know that I will send it by the end of the weekend. Why do I have to keep being the one who has to keep being the bad guy? Why do I keep having to get the shitty burden? Why am I so entangled with this person who has treated me so badly? Why do I keep holding out hope that all this time hasn't been in vain when it so obviously fucking was?
Fucking fuck fuck.
Woo has given me a link which means I have a bunch of new visitors (most of whom will find me terribly boring and not linger) which is cool. She was referring to our outing for comedy last night which was, no pun intended, a good laugh. Out of the seven acts, only one was truly dreadful which is actually good statistics for an inexpensive comedy night. The basement was far too hot which was a shame as by the final act, I really wanted to concentrate more, but I was thinking I was going to expire perhaps in the heat. I am after all, a cold weather bunny. This warm weather makes my skin itch, to say nothing of hot sweaty basements.
Earlier in the evening, I almost missed Louche upon entry seeing as how he looked so entirely different from the last time I saw him, which was only a month ago. It's not at all a bad look however, though possibly less distinctive. Still, stealth has its benefits, make no mistake.
And there was Pimms. Did I say I dislike hot weather? Well stick me in a bathtub full of Pimms and I'm sure we can work something out.
My evening was actually slightly blurry, although I only had one drink. I think it was the heat, the oddity I find sometimes, of mixing friends, and that this week has been a complete wash given the work limbo I'm in. Still, it was a lot of fun, and I look forward to my new adventures in life, expanding my friend circle, and getting out there in the world. Life is there for living (though not, as we learned last night, in the living room).
I have been making small progress on the Mr.Aloof front in the sense that I am trying to think about it less, and put it in perspective and stop building him up to be something that he wasn't (and isn't). But it's hard. And it doesn't happen overnight. It takes me a long time to get over something like that- past experience says about 6 to 9 months before I don't think about it that much or 'care' anymore.
It hasn't even been two months yet. I should cut myself a little bit of slack. Better than that, I should be proud that I am, in fact, letting go of things. My thoughts aren't as frequent, I haven't shed tears for some time. But just as I was luring myself into a false sense of security, I revealed my Achilles heel and find I need to strengthen the reinforcements.
Earlier I was saying how I was going to stop checking profiles so frequently (his, the maid's, etc). I'm not up to once a week yet, but I was doing well at once every two to three days. And in the time that I wasn't checking, I was recognizing that it didn't matter to me, that I was better off not knowing, and that I felt better about it in general. This was all good.
This morning however, I checked. And there was a change. An ever so minor change, but significant, to me, and therefor, damaging. Basically, Mr.Aloof, who I have already noted has gone back to using his original profile (the joint one which was hidden from me under L's stats has gone blank and dead this past month), his profile has always been blank. Once, a year and a half ago, it was not blank, it had a network. That was a bad episode (which is only one of the many incidents that proves this recent decision was the best thing I could have done). But it was removed eventually, and the profile has since been blank (though I can see when he logs in by checking on it- this was what I was going to cut back on). Anyway. This morning it had a new title, which means it's listed (a change) and a profile that was all of one sentence (a change) which it's never had before. The former said, "I have finally found my true self...." and the later said, "After two years of my own journey I feel it is time to say something here.".
It's nothing right? So why then did my heart race, mild panic set in, and my hand would not stop trembling? In fact my entire body trembled slightly as though any breeze could knock me over. And I realized two things. First, that I am not anywhere close to being free of the power over me I gave to this person. Which is disheartening in some respects, but since we have no contact (other that my snooping) it is in my power to control how much I allow it to affect me (though I suppose he could always send me an email out of no where, but I don't see that happening- at least not any time soon). And second, that it's true what I mused on before, contact with someone you have feelings for, even if that contact is barely on the register of what someone would call 'contact' is the worst thing you can have when trying to change your feelings. If he starts posting? If suddenly there is more... information for me to read, to be in touch with, or to absorb? I am going to have a problem. Because I fear that I will never be free.
So I need to increase my ability to 'stop checking'. Every time I see how it affects me, I can use that to my advantage, to show me how unhealthy, how one sided, and how destructive this relationship has been for me. Still, I have to suffer in that moment, of wondering what it means, wondering if he thinks of me, wondering what's going on with him, of having him in the focus of my thoughts and knowing in my heart that I am not in his. And it hurts and it's painful and I don't really want to accept it but I must.
At any rate, it's only been two months. If I still feel like this in four, I'll be worried. Really, I think this is normal for me at this stage. So while I'm not concerned, I am wary. I am not healed yet, even though I am arguably making good progress. Whatever he says, whatever he thinks, he hasn't changed because he hasn't invested in changing. And he was bad to me. That's all I need to know.
23 July 2008
I got to pick up the stuff tonight because softball was canceled. Not enough players. That was disappointing. On the other hand, I was actually really busy at work so I wasn't that upset about not having to rush off to that on top of working hard. Tomorrow I will also be working hard. Which I guess is alright, but with the threat of being made redundant hanging over my head, it feels a bit like hoop jumping. I don't like working this hard if they're just about to shove it back in my face.
Speaking of which, we aren't going to find out now until next week. Isn't that nice. The Director in charge of HR casually mentioned to me that she was going on holiday tomorrow which suggested they should either let us know today, or something was up. So all three of us sent a joint email asking for a time frame at which point she came to meet with us and said they now want to wait until our boss P is back to discuss things with him. This is very not cool as far as I'm concerned. It's extremely bad management to let three people twist in the wind while they can't quite figure it out. And you know, they know who the 'one' is, so they could at least let that one person know and let the other people off the hook- even if what they let them know is that nothing is definite and they really don't want to lose them. But letting three people suffer is not right.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to go to this comedy night thing. Though the new message says it might be crowded. Unfair! Some of us have to come straight from work. It's not like 'getting there early' is really a possibility. Boo hiss.
In keeping with my trying to balance fun with despair, I've also made a new contact on IC with the hopes of being a rope bunny for a bit. It's something I've been thinking about for a while- a non-sexual interaction which allows me to indulge some of my kinky pleasures. So contact has been good so far, and this person is really good with the rope- which is exciting. I'm sure everyone (who does) has their own individual reasons for looking into such things. I recognize that part of my thinking down this route was that I wanted to replace the memories I have of Mr.Aloof and his rope work. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, Mr.Aloof was really fucking good at putting scenarios together. This was good, because it meant I got to experience things that were truly magical and fulfilling. But it's bad because he was otherwise such a complete ass to me, and now I worry that I will never find such fulfillment with anyone else.
So back to the rope, the thing is, he was pretty damn good with the rope. And I don't want for all of my fantasies or thoughts to linger back to my time with him because it was the best that I've experienced. So I am thinking of using this opportunity to replace old thoughts and sensations with new ones. It's guaranteed non-sexual which appeals to me quite a bit. It's safe but rewarding, hopefully mutually rewarding. But I'm not going to say too much more on it because it reminds me just a little bit of when I offered to let Siege photograph me, and he agreed to, and I was so very excited about the prospect, but it never came to be. I don't want this to be the same, so no more until it happens, but then if it's worth it, I'll record it here.
Last item of note is that I went swimming Tuesday morning. That was pretty cool as I haven't gone swimming for ages. But my arms and shoulders have hurt for two days. I guess this means I should do more swimming!
21 July 2008
This morning I also made note of the fact that the maid seems to be back with Mr.Aloof. Well, she pulled her advertisement at any rate and said something about how she's not looking again. I'm getting to the point where I think I need to ween myself off looking at these things obsessively. I'm going to try to knock it down to a once a week sort of thing. This works well for me in some other situations, and I know it's something I can stick to, so I'm hoping it will work here. I recognize that I'm still just holding on to all this hurt and disbelief and the unanswerable 'why?' and that even small bits of information do not in any way help me to get it out of my head. Of course, I also recognize you need to be ready or at the point to be able to start to make some distance, so what I guess I'm saying is that I think I'm there and I'm going to try. But I'm not going to beat myself up over it if I slip either. I just think that my life would be easier if I wasn't contemplating that situation with deep regret, frequently.
The more I think about 'this year' the more I just think it's all been a bit crap. I'd like to make that my birthday year rather than calendar year, as last August I was having surgery and that wasn't great. Then a guy in my office died. Then Mr.Aloof stuff and now job stuff. I feel like the trifecta of awful is just waiting to burn my house down and the unpleasantness will be complete. Ridiculous.
I don't know. It's just a down patch. Things will improve. And as always, it's far easier to dwell on the bad things and take all the good things for granted, and I shouldn't do that because there are loads of other random good things going on as well.
20 July 2008
But it doesn't really make the now feel any less pleasant.
This week I have a 50/50 chance of being made redundant. This causes a few problems for me- mostly that it wasn't on the schedule I intended. Sure, I was thinking of changing jobs, but only after my citizenship application. If I get made redundant now, I will need to get a new work permit and visa and only when I get my paperwork back will I be able to apply for citizenship. All of which requires me handing over my passport- and I have a trip home scheduled for the end of August/early September which is right when I would need to be switching jobs if made redundant.
So a bit crap that. It's not the end of the world as there are many jobs still out there in my field at the moment (though not necessarily ones I really want- I can learn something from any job for just a year). But I'd rather have the freedom of not being tied to a work permit so I can pursue other interests like teaching or consultant work.
On the other hand, I made up for this news by hanging out with some lovely women today and drinking copious amounts of Pimms. Originally I was meeting up with my other friend to see a movie, but alcoholic imbibing took over. As for the first person I met up with today, I swear that I have met my emotional twin. I mean, obviously people aren't exactly the same, but every time I talk to this lovely lady I'm struck by just how similar our thought processes are, particular in relation to ourselves and relationships. I mean, really fascinating. And of course since she's lovely, that's making it hard for me to remember exactly why I don't think I'm lovely as well. Because she shouldn't feel that way about herself, ergo....
Still, there's just something rather exhilarating about meeting someone you wouldn't necessarily have met otherwise and just really enjoying them so much. It makes the world seem slightly brighter, even when there is a lot of shit otherwise going on.
Now I need to get to sleep, the real question I have for myself is, is there any way I can get myself to the gym in the morning. Magic eight ball says it doesn't look good.
17 July 2008
Here in the UK, they have biscuits. Biscuits are like hard cookies. Good in a lunch box, but a quick substitute for the real deal. And yet, they are not really aware here of the joy of the soft or chewy cookie, preferring things that crumble and break. The one time I brought in some lovely soft and gooey home made Toll House wonders, no less than three people asked me if they were cooked.
So let me make note of the New York Times recent article on the perfect chocolate chip cookie and all it's soft and chewy chocolaty goodness. All praise the cookie.
16 July 2008
So minimal computing as it were, and my computer ran out of juice soon after.
And I had been looking to picking up on the porn.
I did manage to pick up a DVD of 'Black Book' for minimal quid, so that was cool. Asda at night was like some parody of an American shopping experience. Almost there but not quite. I really hate travelling for work in the sense that you don't really get to see or so anything in the place you go. You arrive in time to work, do what needs to be done, and go home without doing much of anything else.
Particularly if you forget your plug.
This morning I awoke to some sort of awful allergic episode and my eyes were very swollen and also itchy. I've taken my magic pink pill now, so it seems to be improved but I can still feel that the skin is tight and not happy. Well, that and people keep looking at me and asking what's wrong, so I know I look either tired or ill. Great.
Now I just don't feel like being at work. If it weren't for softball later, I would have totally used this allergy thing as an excuse to go home. At least it's already Wednesday!
14 July 2008
Friendships and interpersonal relationships can be imbalanced, but that's probably not quite as good. The danger being that when one person wants more from or feels more for the other party, it can lead to distress and other problems. Move that into the field of relationships and it becomes even worse.
One of the fundamental problems with my relationship with Mr.Aloof is that I clearly felt more for him than he felt for me. Not that he sat down and said this to me. Instead he would hint that he might sort of kind of want similar things because that was easier than telling me he didn't. And in the meantime, I waited for him. I sat around hoping that I could prove to him just how great I was and that his sort of maybe kind of's would suddenly turn into yes of courses. It would have hurt me terribly had he sat me down and said it was never ever to be, but I would have dealt with that pain and moved on. Instead, three years of my life was wasted hoping for something that never had a chance in hell (and even now, I find that so very hard to accept- which goes to show just how powerful this problem can be).
So what happens when I find myself on the other end of the equation? What happens when someone has an interest in me that I know that I will never reciprocate? Now I am not Mr.Aloof and I have not been cagey about my feelings or intentions. In fact, I have spelled it out clearly and plainly. But I am concerned that the message is not clear. And I therefor consider, that it is my responsibility, that it is my obligation, to do something about it. Except, having said the words, what else can I do? I don't see this person terribly regularly, and we don't even talk that regularly- all of which I would have thought lent itself to supporting my message. But a recent interaction led me to consider that the message is not clear, and that I do not want to ever feel that I am responsible for making anyone possibly feel the way that I felt when involved with Mr.Aloof.
It was unproductive for me, and would not be productive for them. Which is what made me consider this whole blogging thing. See, this same person reads my blog because they were clever and were the only person who has ever 'found' it. Of course, having told me how they found it, I fixed the slip that made that mistake possible, so no one should be able to find it in the same way again. Regardless, it doesn't bother me that this person reads my blog, but it occurred to me, that it possibly creates a false sense of intimacy since what I write here is, frankly, so intimate. This one sided 'interaction' could allow someone to create a depth of attachment that otherwise wouldn't exist. This explains to me why, even though our person to person interaction is not very frequent, these feelings might persist. And this concerns me.
Unrequited affection is not pleasant. It's not nice. It's no fun. And I know, from my own hard experiences, just how difficult it is to move past it. If Mr.Aloof had a blog, I know that I would read it every day, and I know that if I could, it would be that much harder for me to get him out of my thoughts and desires.
So what do I do? I know that people are responsible for their own actions, but it's not that this person isn't pleasant as a friend, it's just only ever going to be just that- a friend. And it causes me some stress to think that they are in any way holding out or hoping for things to change. Because it makes me feel like I need to then do something about it. Having been on the other end of things, I believe it is one of the most hideous things you can do as a person- to lead another person on or to give them false hope. It doesn't make me feel good that someone I don't return feelings for may have feelings for me. It cuts too close to what I've just been through.
I guess it's just that I feel that the person who has the lesser feelings therefor has the responsibility to correct the situation since they are obviously less affected. Because I wish more than anything that the same consideration had been shown to me.
Now saying all this, and knowing that it will be read by the person in question who will obviously know that it's them, I feel slightly guilty. But it really has vexed me. Maybe you'll say that you don't have these feelings or hopes, but then I guess what I have to say is that your actions and words conveyed otherwise. And it concerned me. And it reminded me in some ways of myself. And that concerned me even more. There are other situations on my mind that contribute to this current thinking as well. About what ones obligations are in the stated circumstance. It seems to be a recurrent topic of late. And a horrible one at that.
13 July 2008
Friday night was my office's 40th birthday bash. It was a pretty good party. Black tie optional, the assorted clothing choices were interesting. I went for the dressier side, and felt the better for it. It's nice to get dressed up every once in a while.
Not too much to be said about the party- I hung out with friends, ate and drank (I skipped the dancing- my feet appreciated my consideration). Got home at two in the morning. A good night.
Then on Saturday I went out to Broadway Market with S and then out to another party in Streatham- another night in shoes and general pleasantries and home by one. Should have been home by twelve, but missed the train I needed. Sometimes it does seem like a useful idea to wear a watch. But not often.
Today I popped into work for a bit and had a lovely meal at a restaurant I'd never been to before in Islington but one that I will be visiting again to be sure. I even bought the cookbook. Considering how many cookbooks I already have, this is some sort of an honor. I don't let myself by loads of cookbooks anymore. And frequently I think that I need to make an effort to use the ones I already have more often. Like choosing one recipe a week out of a different book to make. This exercise may very well be in my future, or it's no more cookbooks for me!
Currently I have a headache and am stalled on writing an article. I didn't have an artist this week, and thought I might write about this instead. I'm actually fairly concerned about the 'thought police' attitude that seems to be the foundation of this particular legislation. I know that many things about America aren't really free, but you don't realize just how free it is until you travel to other supposedly 'free' places. Let me tell you something, they aren't. And it's appalling. To quote Ben Franklin, "They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security." Particularly appropriate in these troubled times I think, lest we forget exactly what it is we're fighting for.
The other topic I considered writing an article about is this whole child pornography vs art thing taking place in Australia at the moment. It's getting some press here, though I feel it's probably a bigger deal there. However, the implications for the art world are significant and related to the above topic. I think the problem there, in reality, is while many are trying to make the argument of 'art' vs 'sexuality', the truth is, that a naked child or adolescent is of course a statement to some degree about sexuality. But then, children are sexual beings. Innocent sexual beings, but sexual beings nonetheless. And it is only in their naivety and innocence that one can explore or make statements about an entire aspect of human sexuality that we have considered taboo. I think the real issue, is not that children or adolescents are in some ways sexual, but how that sexuality is interpreted by adults. Is it attractive? Appealing? Does that make one perverse to acknowledge that there is something so pure about the potential of the untouched? And if so, then I wonder how the very same people can consider the biblical fable of Adam and Eve- for they embody that exact same innocence. It's a really intersting debate which speaks much more about us as a society rather than the realities of life.
But I thought that topic might be slightly controversial for the site, so I decided to go with the other one instead- equally interesting but not exactly as inflammatory.
Tomorrow I'm off to Hartlepool which means I need to pack a bag. I think I'm going to leave this until the morning. I can't be bothered to do it now.
And on another note. There are other things I have on my mind, but I don't post some things here, because I know some of the people who read this blog. I have always said that to me, this blog is sort of like my online diary. And that's true- I write about things that I think and feel or have experienced. I don't tend to write to attract visitors or to make some sort of public statement or contribution. It's just the footnotes to my life. But there are some things that I leave out. Mainly because it is not my intention to use this blog as a platform for personal discussions. But sometimes this means that there are entire sections of my thoughts and experiences that don't go here. I appreciate that for some people, this can lead to a sort of misrepresentation. As much as I am honest and open here, it's not all that there is to me. And one shouldn't presume to know me, or even understand me, solely from reading this blog. If you know me, and you read here, then you should know that I will generally never speak about you, about my thoughts in respect to you, or about events that pertain to you (since that would lead to fulfilling the first two points). Unless of course you are a fellow blogger in which case the rules change slightly (and particularly if there are cookies involved!).
It's all a bit of a catch. The reality of you, someone who knows me, visiting here, my personal diary, is that you may one day read something that you wouldn't otherwise want to hear. Something you would never have asked me in person. I respect that we all think things about the people we know- both good and bad. Including some things that would upset them or hurt them. But we keep those things to ourselves because it's not at all appropriate or productive to tell people what you think about them all the time. I would never flat out ask for someone's opinion of what I know are my weaker traits, and I would never expect one of my friends to shove it in my face. But here, in my personal space, is where I sometimes need to blow off steam. And that means that if you know me, one day that steam may come around to you.
That's the risk you take by coming here- not that I'm telling you not to, and not that I am not generally respectful of your presence. But sometimes, and occasionally, you might hear something you otherwise didn't want to. And I'm sorry for that. And yes, this is geared towards you, and probably also you and you, but not you, you, or you. Complicated, huh?
11 July 2008
So back to my engagements with others. Last night I saw the other couple who I haven't met up with for some time. Certainly not since before I went to the states- and not since the whole Mr.Aloof thing blew up. In fairness, I didn't really want to see them for a bit in there, I was too wounded and wanting something else- from someone(s) else, and I thought that would be really crass.
But I'm past that now, and a night of fun frolicking sounded just about right. So I trucked on over to St. John's Wood after work- and I believe got entangled with some mob that had possibly seen some cricket or something. All I know is it held up my bus and there were swarms of people. But eventually, I got there.
And when I did, Ms.OC (other couple- they need names I'm thinking) was in the bath and Mr.OC was just about to enjoy getting her off with the shower nozzle. I was invited to remove all my clothes and come watch if I liked, which sounded just fine to me.
So there we all were, in the little bathroom, catching up while Mr.OC fondled and played with Ms.OC under the water. Eventually he thought it might be a good idea to make her come, so he concentrated on that for a bit, then we reverted to chatting, then he thought he might make her come again, so he did, then more chatting, then I think a third time and she said she'd had enough, so we left her to finish up in the tub and wandered into the lounge.
I stayed naked, and we continued to catch up. Ms.OC joined us, and there was some general breast fondling and a bit of spanking. I always find it amusing to have hand prints on your ass. Then Ms.OC and I went to the kitchen to make some dinner- she put on some clothes, I put on an apron.
We ate dinner and watched a movie, in between which there was a bit more fondling and messing about, but then it was getting late, and I said I couldn't stay out so late as usual since I have a big party thing tonight. So they hauled me off to the tub so I could have 'my orgasms' which was fine by me.
Ms.OC is apparently more sensitive in the lower regions- so while her shower head treatment was under the water, mine was direct from the spray. Some general manipulating, water spraying, squealing, laughing, and breathing exercises and I was about five orgasms happier and we decided to call it a night.
So no genital to genital sex (though I do like a good finger fucking if it's done right) and Mr.OC never got naked, so never got his happy ending. Hopefully though, he and Ms.OC will remedy that today. As apparently after I come visit them, they tend to get extra excited. Now isn't that nice.
I'll tell you what's nice. Five orgasms. That's pretty nice. Not quite the same as a good hard seeing to. Certainly not the same as the beauty of an in depth mental/sexual relationship like what I had with Mr.Aloof, but certainly good enough to keep me distracted and happy for a bit.
Side note from the evening- when you use a shower head on lady parts under the water it looks just like something in a wind tunnel. Really, really fascinating. I said they should video it, it was kind of cool.
10 July 2008
But sometimes I sort of like the snails. They aren't as disgusting as slugs, what with their cute shells. Maybe I read too many kindly children's books about snails. Regardless, they aren't cringe-worthy like their shell-less relatives.
The thing is, they obviously tend to come out more in the rain- at least leaving the dirt and plants to hang out on concrete, this is where the trouble begins. But usually it is relegated to the ground floor. So imagine my surprise this morning upon leaving my flat, to find a snail, three stories up (or two, if you're British). I don't know what the snail was thinking, labouring up the stairs, but they had dried out quite a bit, and I thought the poor thing was going to die up there.
So I tried to pick it up.
At first, it twinged and seemed to retract a bit. "Good, this will be easy.", I thought to myself. Until the little fucker clung fast to the concrete steps and wouldn't let go. I pulled and pulled, fearful I was going to pull it's shell right off. I mean really, I exerted some degree of pressure, and the little shit clung fast. I suppose I could have tried touching it's gelatinous body to make it contract, but I draw the line there. Touching shell, okay, touching slimy body, not okay. After a minute of this exercise, I decided I'd had enough.
So I left it there, to perish on the concrete skywalk, or likely to be stepped on. All I did was try to save it.
In other news, seeing 'the other couple' tonight, office party tomorrow, birthday party Saturday, and off to Hartlepool again on Tuesday. Expect prolific writing (or porn surfing) whilst on the train for eight hours.
07 July 2008
I mean, someone bending over backwards to be with me and who thinks I'm great and wonderful? Yeah right! I'd never believe them in a million years, run the other way, and that is precisely how my own self esteem issues play out. I put up with crap because it reinforces (and validates) my world view.
If current posts are any indication, I'm definitely on a dating down-swing and am feeling very disenchanted with the whole experience and prospect. Or in other words, I'm feeling very short on hope at the moment. Bleh.
06 July 2008
Recently, while considering what sort of relationship I aspire to, I’ve also spent time considering those that I don’t. To do this, I usually use examples that I know about and it occurred to me recently that I know of no less than three examples of an imbalanced financial relationship that resulted in a type of power exchange that in all cases seemed to masque a deep seated sense of poor self esteem.
I don’t think it’s strange that within bdsm circles there are a variety of people with self esteem issues, just as you will find an equal number of people with self esteem issues outside of the bdsm world. But I think you are more likely to find people using kink in the bdsm setting to address it (whereas other people in a non-bdsm setting address it in other ways perhaps).
This isn’t something that is limited to the ‘submissive’ or the ‘dominant’ and I think the issue is equally prevalent in both subsets, it’s just a different way of addressing the issue.
From the submissive perspective, the act of being controlled or being ‘expected’ gives a purpose. As in, if one has low self esteem, the value placed on oneself by another can give meaning or purpose.
In the case of a dominant, one can use ‘being in control’ as a protective measure to eliminate the fear of rejection or self-doubt by projecting a strong persona to minimize any feelings of inferiority (and ideally by having the requisite doting compliment).
So what happens when you add money to the mix? Oddly enough, in the three examples that came to mind, two of the financially subjugated were professed ‘dominant’ and only one was submissive. But when the dominant people I knew became financially subjugated to their partners, they actually gave up their real control when they became financially enslaved to their partners. The financially enslaved continued to assume they were in a dominant position, because, I think, it would have been too painful to face up to their inner belief that they were only worth what they could provide, and not worth anything for who they were.
In the submissive case, it was perhaps more obvious- since submissives are often inspired to ‘do for’ or ‘provide for’ their partners. It’s not a far leap then for the submissive partner in a relationship to start using their money to make their dominant happy. But I think there’s a fine line between doing for your partner ‘sometimes’ and doing for your partner ‘all the time’. Because you end up with the exact same problem and subsequent reinforcement, “I am only worth what I can physically give to a partner because I don’t believe that anyone would want to be with me just as the person I am.”
In all cases, one had to wonder, if the financially obliged partner were to suddenly not financially provide, would their recipient partner still be with them? Was their partner in love with them, or with what they could provide them? I think what exemplified all three of these cases, unfortunately, was that the individual with the low self esteem actually sought out and was attracted to a partner who would best take advantage of them. I know of a fourth example, which is similar, but different because while one partner is sort of financially supporting the other, the one being supported feels so… embarrassed by this, that they make every effort to do the shopping, cook the meals, clean the house, and to otherwise make every possible contribution they can to the relationship to try and even out the financial excess of their other half.
But in the imbalanced examples I’ve considered lately, what strikes me is how very ungrateful the financial recipient party tends to be. Oh, they tend to be just thankful enough to ensure that the money keeps flowing, but they don’t make any additional efforts to the relationships to try and equal the score. They seem to take their personal funding for granted. All of this, I believe, serves to reinforce the original issue of low-self esteem.
Of course part of it must be a circuitous argument. One seeks someone whose behavior towards them supports their ideas of themselves. It becomes a type of parasitic relationship. In two of cases I know, the financially obliged didn’t have the finances to support their spending habit, and yet so afraid were they of losing their relationship (and thereby their purchased self-worth), that they felt they had to keep supporting them financially, even as they followed that path into ruin.
It’s one thing to have the finances to be a sugar daddy/momma and make no bones about what you’re paying for, but it’s another thing entirely to be so deeply unhappy with yourself that you think the only way to personal happiness is to buy it. Or even worse, to believe on some level that it's all your worth.
So yeah, in my consideration of a future relationship for myself, I'd love to buy my partner a gift here and there, to surprise them with something occasionally, or to splurge on them once in a while just because I can. But I would rebel against doing it all the time, and I'd feel uncomfortable if someone tried to do it for me.
So, an odd thing to consider, since I am well aware I have my own self esteem issues. I know that I don't address them through finances, and I know I don't address them through slutty behavior (the partner to thinking you are only worth what you can buy- you are only worth your sex).. so what do I do? Something to think about.
05 July 2008
Yesterday was the 4th and S and I celebrated by finding an American restaurant to have dinner at. I think our waitress was amused that she had 'real Americans' at the table- even thought we were tourists. That was a plausible mistake given it was Covent Garden after all. Originally we wanted to go to this other place, but after a technological snafu, it turned out we didn't have a reservation after all. Oh well. It was actually okay. Not great, but good enough to make us wax nostalgic about all things American.
But seriously, Buffalo wings do not come with barbecue sauce. That's just ridiculous.
Anyway. Now it's the weekend. I know I shouldn't be stalking Mr.Aloof and the assorted cast of characters online, but I simply can't help myself. It wasn't hard when I was away from a computer, but when I do have a computer at hand, it's nearly impossible to keep myself from clicking the bookmarks. As it turns out though, something interesting actually happened (which only fuels my interest in stalking) which is to say, something bad seems to have happened. L's submissive boy-toy is set free and looking elsewhere, and even the maid has changed her profile all around to no longer say she's 'third to them'. And their secret profile has gone completely blank. Network and profile both emptied.
Is it wrong for me to hope for the horrible? Of course this is no good you see, because it makes me want to know what happened when I should be working on not caring. But it's nice to think that karma may have acted so quickly. It's pleasant to imagine that after I basically cursed him, the shit hit the fan. Has he lost his job finally (it was supposed to be gone by xmas)? Been evicted? Maybe things are rocky with him and L. Part of me is sinfully joyful at all of this evil speculation.
But then of course, of course, there is a part of me that feels bad. I mean, I didn't pretend to care about this person for three years, or pretend to love them. So there is another part of me that finds some measure of distress thinking of his distress, for just as much happiness as it brings my vindictive side.
And of course none of it matters at all, because we aren't in touch, and we aren't going to be in touch, and he was a completely and total fuckwit asshole to me for a very long time who doesn't deserve an iota of my attention or concern. But it's hard. Not as hard as it once was maybe, but I'm not 'over' it all yet, whatever that means. I'm just a lot further along.
At any rate, I need to knock out an article in the next hour. Until I do so, I'm forbidding myself from doing any online stalking. And really, as soon as the article is finished, I need to get outside and enjoy the glorious weather we're having today since tomorrow it's supposed to be chucking it down. Also I need to go pick up some sort of dessert for a dinner I'm going to up by Seven Sisters tonight. I'm very excited to check out my friend's newly overhauled garden. It used to be a giant concrete slab, then I saw it when it was a muddy pit (well, you take all that concrete away and it all drops a level), but now it's supposedly all done up and planted and I'm very excited for them since I know how much hard work they've put into it.
So that's the plan for the day at any rate. Best get on with it!
02 July 2008
So, Glastonbury. What can I say? It was really amazing. When I originally decided to go, I thought that it would be a thing I did once in a lifetime. I figured it would be a bit tough, but that I could put up with anything once. Well, as it turned out, I enjoyed it so much that I would even consider going back. It's hard to describe the experience to be honest. The scale of the thing. It took an hour to walk from one end to the other. It took twenty minutes to walk from our camper van to the gate. The camper van was a godsend. While I would consider going again, it would only be with a camper van. I loved the camper van so much, it actually made me want to have one. Not that I have oodles of free time to go gallivanting about in a camper van, but this made me wish I did!
I got to see a bunch of musicians, but not nearly as many as I would have liked. Massive Attack was great, Neil Diamond wasn't. Kings of Leon were really good, and so was Amy Winehouse. Estelle wasn't that great, but she does know how to work a crowd. KT Tunstall was alright, but probably also not my favorite.
The brownies were excellent.
So Monday was spent recovering and moisturizing. Tuesday was back to work, and then therapy. And then a birthday gathering for someone I had only met once. A reminder came up on my facebook Monday night and I had almost forgotten. The location was in my neck of the woods, so I felt like it would be silly not to go- but I tend to be very nervous and self conscious around strangers, and this was going to be a party that had exactly two people that I would know (and as mentioned, one I'd only met once!).
What can I say? I'm so very very glad that I went! I had the bestest time! I ended up speaking to assorted lovely people and had tons of fun. I can't believe that I was even considering not going and was feeling strange about it. Just goes to show how your mind and personal insecurities can play tricks on you. Still, I recognize that larger social gatherings of strangers will always probably give me pause since it's just not the environment I'm ever going to feel the most at ease in. So lucky me then that this turned out to be so entirely lovely.
Right now I'm very busy at work as we're putting together a competition that's due on Friday for a site that we did some initial feasibility work on earlier this year. I think that our concept is really good, but I'm a little bit worried about how it's all going to come together. I mean, I know it will all come together somehow, but it'll be a shame if we don't do our concept justice because no one was 'graphic' enough. It's a silly thing about my profession- it's not just that you can have an excellent idea, it's also all about how you represent it.
Friday is the fourth of July and S and I are going to try and go to dinner someplace 'American' in order to celebrate. Perhaps I should speak to Mr.Louche to find out about his recent meaty explorations.