28 September 2007

Je Vais Aller

The week at work has been a bit busy. Cancellations by Mr.Aloof on Monday and Tuesday, but no surprises there. Finally got to meet up with SH which was cool. And AL arrived yesterday and we went to the Japanese Craft exhibition at the British Museum and to dinner at Busaba.

Tonight I just made us a simple dinner of broiled salmon with steamed spinach and rice all in a sesame/soy/oyster sauce sort of dressing. And now we are packing because tomorrow morning we are off to Paris for four whole days. When I get back, I'll be at work Wednesday and Thursday, and then I'll be off to Rotterdam on Friday for three days. How exciting!

And in the meantime, my second article is up and running for those who may want to check it out:
Patrick Jan Van Hove’s Nude Women
The Art of Love

23 September 2007

Back in the Saddle

But not probably for what you think based on the last post. Yeah, I should be so lucky. No. This is more about the healing process and how my body is doing.

Before I got sick, I was really excited to sign up for this thing called the Hovis London Freewheel. Now, when all my shit got moved here three years ago, my bike was included in that shipment. Of course, my bike was also mangled in the process and I had to pay to get the front fins straightened and for a new handlebar. But I did that. I brought my bike home. I rode around the square that my flat sits on. I took my bike upstairs. And there it has stayed for the past three years.

Because I am terrified of cycling in London. The streets are narrow. The traffic is manic, and on the wrong side. Plus, while I love that I live in a really central part of Hackney, it also means that I'm surrounded by busier streets with buses and things on them. And what this meant is that my bike has sat and gathered dust for three years, while I occasionally have pumped up the tires to prevent rot.

So when this Freewheel thing came around, I thought it would be a good opportunity to get over my fear, and try this cycling thing in a safe and monitored environment. I know loads of people who cycling in London- there are many in my office. So I also figured there would be people I knew doing this. I signed up. I got people I know to sign up. And I figured I'd go cycling a couple weeks before the event to make sure I was up for the nine mile circuit.

Then I got sick. And I couldn't even think about cycling for the first month. But this day was lingering in my thoughts. I had been so set on it, so determined. I wanted to do it. I didn't want to give it up. In the meantime, most of the people I knew who had initially said they would do it, were pulling out for one reason or another. So it was down to me, my body, and my bike.

I figured that I would get to Victoria Park- my local 'hub' at least. See how I felt. Then I thought if I felt okay, I'd get down to the main course, and see how I felt. Then if I felt okay, I would go along the course and keep assessing how I was doing, keeping in mind that I would need to get back, but fully aware that I might end up walking my bike home.

At any rate, to keep this now long story shorter. I did it. I did it all. I got on my bike. I got myself to Victoria Park. I got my tires pumped up better, and I was off to the main event along very busy roads. Past SA's house. Past NE's house. Past Liverpool Street station. Busy as all get out, and I made it. And I got to the course, and I did the entire thing. I even managed to get myself home, though I got lost leaving Victoria Park and ended up on Mare Street which scared me at first, but then I was like, "No, fuck it, I can do this.", and I did.

So that was pretty fucking awesome really. The day was brilliant. The weather was superb. My ass hurts like a mother fucker, but hey, as well all know, I like that, so it's okay. I'm so pleased that I accomplished this thing that I set out to do. I'm so pleased that my body didn't hurt or fail in any way, aside from not being in shape for the cycling. But I still made it. And I'm even more pleased that I would not be scared now to cycle out there. At least in daylight. I'm only sad that because I did it all on my own, I don't have a single photograph of me out there on the day on my bike. Oh well. That's what memory is for.

21 September 2007

Time for Some Sex Talk

Well it's been a while since there's been some sex talk. Of course the main reason for this is that there hasn't been much sex going on around these parts of late. Now, there's been plenty of porn watching. With much indebted gratitude to A. And there was that whole period of time where I was sick, and then my gut was all cut open so having an orgasm really wasn't an option (and thank god when that ended).

So yeah, sex has been off the table a bit. But the porn watching and the general lack and of course the new job has made it a topic that is a bit more present in the front of my mind. Watching porn has been the main instigator of my current thoughts. It all started with a hood. Or rather, a video that included the use of a hood. Now hoods are something that I've had some curiosity about, but I'm not about to fork over a ton of cash for a sturdy leather hood. And anyway, that's the sort of thing that you really need a partner to play with (particularly in the lacing up). So while it's something I've always considered, I hadn't really thought about pursuing it on my own. Until I saw this video and a different sort of hood. This one was made from spandex with a stitched in blindfold. Easy to put on. Form hugging, and apparently breathable. I was intrigued. So I googled spandex hood to see what I could find, and lo and behold I found them! And at a far more reasonable price than leather. So I decided a new toy delivery was in order and went about pricing out the hood.

But of course then it's only spend seven more pounds and get free delivery. Well, same same different might as well. But what to buy? What else did I need? And again, watching porn provided some inspiration because of course, in most male/female porn there is always the focus on the blowjob. The activity that still intimidates the hell out of me. "How can that intimidate you?" someone might ask. Well it's many things. For starters, for all the things I do, and those who read this blog every day, are well versed in the things that I get up to, I will remind the readers that I am sexually submissive. For me, part of what this means is that I have trouble initiating sexual activity. It's not that way for all submissives, but it happens to be that way for me. I need to know what my partner wants before I rush into giving it to them because I will freeze up with uncertainty if I am not sure. It is difficult for me to even reach out and hug someone sometimes. To invade someones personal space without a clear indication that it's okay. For people I've dated, it's actually a big deal for me when I can just go up to them and touch them without panicking inside. And I probably still panic a little bit. So what is more personal then just diving in and groping and sucking on someones genitalia? This is pretty much not something that I am going to be comfortable initiating.

But let's say I didn't initiate it and I had a clear indication that's what my partner wanted. Great. Now I will start to freak out that they won't like how I do it. For every guy who says 'every blowjob is a great blowjob' there is some honest guy out there who will admit that some women do it well, and some women don't. And I don't want a partner of mine to suffer through my blowjob because they don't have the heart to tell me it's terrible. But it's really difficult to talk about stuff like this honestly and openly. So I worry about this.

And lastly, there is the belief I hold that really, I don't do it all that well. For starters, I just don't have that much experience with it. I haven't been with that many people. And for as exploratory as the sex I've had as been, I haven't actually had all that much sex. I could probably count on my fingers how many times in my life I've given a blowjob. Well, maybe that's not entirely true, but if I added my toes, then it probably is. I also have a pretty sensitive gag reflex. I don't have to have things very far in my mouth before I start to gag if I am tense in any way. And I think what should be clear by now, is that the situation makes me pretty tense. I worry about biting down and scraping with teeth. I worry about retching. I pretty much worry about everything which means I am not enjoying the experience, I'm worrying about it. And on top of that, if you again take into consideration my sexual orientation, then on top of all of this mental strife, you can add to that how I desperately want to do a good job and please my partner because that's a critical aspect to my sexual pleasure. So of course I'm also worrying that I'm disappointing them in general.

So there you have it, why me and blow jobs have not really been best friends.

So what does this have to do with buying toys? Well, I decided I needed something to practice on, so I can try to just deal with this on my own. Watching all those porn girls suck dick like candy, I keep thinking that it shouldn't be that intimidating and it really shouldn't be that difficult. And the only way I'm going to get over this is to do something about it. Lacking a desirable practice partner means I need to look closer to home. Except most of my sex toys aren't shaped exactly like the appendage in question. And I'm not interested in bananas or things that can break off in your mouth. So I used my extra money allowance to get a couple of 'real life' modeled toys that I can practice on.

I was hoping this would make me feel better, and more comfortable, but actually, it has reinforced my insecurities terribly since I spent some of my evening getting reacquainted with just how sensitive my gag reflex really is. Still, there's loads of information on the internet by way of tips and pointers. I'm just going to have to keep at it for a while and hope that everything I've read is true, and that it does improve with practice.

The hood is pretty cool.

Mr.Aloof might be coming up one night next week. He's expressed an interest in my new hood. We met up last night in the city. It was really nice to just see him and catch up and spend some time together. But this isn't about him really. It just might mean there will be a post in the near future. Or not. After all, Mr.Aloof is aloof..... but the flirting does sort of encourage the sex related thoughts.

19 September 2007

My First Article

How exciting!!! After much back and forth with the artist, I finally have my first article up on the Art of Love site! May it be the first of many. Go on, you know you want to...
The Fluid Expression of Carolyn Weltman
Erotic art: Art of love

14 September 2007


Apparently it takes a while for the one remaining ovary to settle down into the role of providing the hormones that were once provided by two. What this means is that I have been having stupid mood swings for the past four weeks that have been driving me mad. I've just found myself at certain moments ready to burst into tears over nothing. Which is not how I normally am, so at least I am fairly assured that it's the hormones. Still, I've discussed hormones before and how much I am not fond of how they fuck with how I feel. I will be a lot happier when I am not worried about this coming and going of misery.

On the other hand, I'm very happy that today is Friday. I haven't been being the most productive at work exactly. I'm finding it really hard to focus. I mean, under the best of circumstances I can find it really hard to focus. But I feel that I've been particularly scatterbrained this week. I've been very forgetful about random things and maybe this is a little bit disturbing since one of the qualities that I have always tended to rely on in myself is my ability to remember insignificant and stupid things. Hopefully it's a passing phase, or related to the above hormone fluctuations.

In the meantime there are other things going on which are generally good. Some time this weekend a cleaner is coming to visit to assess my house for regular cleaning. I am so excited about this. I can't wait. Completely worth the minimal cost, and I know it will make me so happy to have a very clean house. I have also signed up a new flatmate. She moves in in just under a month. So my financial situation will improve, and that's cool. It's also good timing because I need my financial situation to improve because a friend of mine from New York is coming to visit and we are taking a long weekend trip to Paris. That will be the second time I've been to Paris, so I'm really looking forward to that. And the weekend after I go to Paris, I'm hopping back on the EuroStar and heading to Rotterdam for the office trip!

So it's important to make note of the fact that there are lots of good things going on at the moment. And that my silly hormones that are causing me distress are just chemicals.

And if I ever manage to settle on the images for the article I've written with the artist, my first article should be up soon! And I've already started on the second, so that's still very exciting, even if it does end up being a bit of work, I really enjoy it. Now, as soon as my next porn installment finishes downloading, I can go to bed!

10 September 2007

Uncomfortable Thoughts

When everything happened with the operation, there is only one friend of mine that I really wanted to see who I had to ask to come see me when I was recovering.

And that one person I asked still didn't come.

What does it mean when someone says if you ever really need them they'll be there? How much worse would things have had to have been? And the reality is... I knew in my heart... they'd never come to begin with.

It's why I didn't even want to tell them I was sick, originally.

Because I knew how much it would hurt my feelings...

...when they didn't show up.

06 September 2007


Well, so far September is being a bit of a mixed bag. Yesterday was the three week mark of being sliced and diced. I am tremendously better than I was, but I'm not healed yet. They did say six weeks for full internal recovery. And it is very clear that I am not healed completely on the insides. These things just take time, and time is passing, and every day I'm a little bit better. So really that's the most important thing.

This week is my first week back at work. I've been taking it easy and not overdoing it which has been fine. It's strange at work because I've been gone for a substantial chunk of time. There's a new person in my department as well, so that adds to the confusion of settling back in. But so far it all seems to be going okay as well. So that's good.

I've been working on my first assignment for the Art of Love website. Just now I'm waiting for the response to some interview questions I sent to an artist, and then I can finish up my article and get all of that underway. I'm still finding it tremendously exciting but I'm worried that I won't do a good enough job. This is probably a silly concern, but it will probably take a couple of articles until I feel more comfortable with it. Maybe I just still can't believe it's real!

My dating situation is about to pick up again I think. When I got struck down ill I had been talking to three extremely different people(s). I had even arranged first meetings with two of them for the week after I got ill which obviously had to be postponed. Now that I'm out and about and feeling a bit more like myself, I need to just meet these people as the email contact phase has gone on a bit too long in all cases. Mr.Aloof is still lurking in the background but that will never be the answer.

Oh, I should also add, that my newly inflamed interest in all things dating is because another person I know (hello you) has very generously recently shared with me some of his porn which aligns with my own viewing preferences. Watching this stuff before bedtime has given me some of the most extreme, pleasurable, but also frustrating dreams I've had for a very long time. Still, not at all complaining! Just makes me all the more interested in getting my act together so that it doesn't just have to be a dream in my head!