30 July 2006

Not Quite

It's been a while since I made two posts in one day. Actually, I just realized. I don't want to write here, I want to go write in my paper journal. I went back on the pill because I was tired of my super irregular cycle, and the mood swings. I can't help but think that I'm having a mood swing. There isn't a good reason to feel this way. *sigh*

Where Did My Time Stopping Button Go?

Too much to do, not enough time. The story of my fucking life. Except there's no fucking in my life at the moment, except the self-done kind.

Half the weekend is already gone and I feel like I have too much to do and I know I have no time to do it in. Studying being top of the list, but also laundry, and planning for my party, and meeting up with C and M at Spitalfields, and I'm sure many other things that are sure to suck my time away and then it will be another Monday.

Things have been a bit hectic around me, though my life seems very still by comparison. Everyone I know is in upheaval. Everyone has big problems or big decisions to deal with. And not unexpectedly, I am often the sounding board for all these friends. Which is fine, but I tend to prefer to focus on things like my friends, than things I should be doing, like studying, and so I am steadily fucking myself over. Which isn't good.

My drama is in a lull as my dating escapades are also in a bit of a lull. After not finding much in the first batch, I'm onto the next batch of potentials. One who wants to schedule a first meeting for coffee, which would be cool. In the meantime, I have managed to wrangle another fancy meal out of Mr.Noshow for the week after next as he's away this whole week. And possibly some play for the week I get back from the states. But for me, this is planning too far in advance. I don't really want to be begging for table scraps a month or so from now. I want someone to indulge in and be indulged by. But I know that's really just wishful thinking and unlikely. Table scraps are filling in the interim.

On the plus side, my neighbor just brought me over a bowl of spicy shrimp, jollof rice, and plantains. Call my lunch sorted! Yay!!

26 July 2006

The Perfect Gift

I saw this in the corner shop with tlsd. I had to buy them for my gay friend SA. I gave them to him this weekend and he loved them. He had just came back from Barcelona and brought me a wiggly gummy-penis on a stick to 'practice' on. I love my friends.

24 July 2006

Yeah Yeah Yeah

If the universe loved me, I would have a painfully battered bottom at the moment and would be being thoroughly and satisfyingly shagged. Of course, as I have clearly shown, the universe does not love me at all, and certainly does not think that I am in any way deserving of love, or even some casual affection.

I believe that I mentioned I was supposed to see Mr.Noshow tonight. Did I mention that somewhere? Well, anyway, after he showed for dinner on Tuesday which was really lovely, he managed to sprain his wrist badly yesterday playing soccer. Was texting me from the hospital and everything. And so, even with much advanced planning and furious house cleaning over the weekend, he proved true to his namesake and cancelled due to painkillers and the inability to provide the attention that he was particularly interested in giving.

I did say that he could just come over anyway and we could have a more quite sort of evening but he begged off. And so that's two cancellations by two different guys in three days time. And do I even need to say it? Of course there's been no further word from F. So that's a write off for the bastard.

I even studied tonight. How much less fun does my life really need to be?

22 July 2006

Oh, I Hate Men!

I hate men.
I can't abide 'em even now and then.
Than ever marry one of them, I'd rest a maiden rather,

For husbands are a boring lot and only give you bother.

Of course, I'm awfully glad that Mother had to marry Father,
But I hate men.

Somewhere in the many chambered tower that is my brain, there is a revolt of gleeful demons who are jumping up and down because their side has won a battle.

Of all the types I've ever met within our democracy,
I hate most the athlete with his manner bold and brassy,
He may have hair upon his chest but sister, so has Lassie.

Oh, I hate men!

After last weekends flurry of email and IM chat and the week preceding of much the same, where F proclaimed his extreme interest in me and I let myself believe that this is what it's like to break my pattern. To allow that someone could be interested in me, that being eager or excited about someone was okay. I pushed my demons aside and told myself that this was the new path and a good new potential start. And he charmed me. And I let myself fall for it.

I hate men.
They should be kept like piggies in a pen.

Avoid the trav'ling salesman though a tempting Tom he may be,

For on your wedding night he may be off to far Araby,
While he's away in Mandalay is thee who have the baby,

Oh I hate men.

I mean, on Saturday he was practically begging me to hop a train to Brighton just so he could meet me in person sooner. I think we texted on Sunday perhaps, in fact, no, I'm sure we did. And then... (AND THEN...!) nothing. All week there's basically been no word. Not an email, not a messenger appearance. 'How strange' I thought to myself, 'how very strange indeed.'

If thou shouldst wed a businessman, be wary, oh, be wary.
He'll tell you he's detained in town on business necessary,

His bus'ness is the bus'ness with his pretty secretary,

Oh I hate men!

But I thought I was just being paranoid, what being out of my comfort zone and all to begin with by even listening to such fancies. So I told myself to be calm and to give him the benefit of the doubt.
But by the time Thursday had arrived and still no word, even though we had scheduled plans for Friday I had to admit that something was not right. So I sent an email and a text both that simply said 'Do we still have plans tomorrow?'. And I got a paragraph email response an hour or so later that said he'd been busy 'socially' and that he'd misplanned his weekend so he had his daughter and had been trying to get out of it. Then he went on to talk some crap about he was still interested if I wanted to meet up some other time. So I sent a pleasant reply saying I was glad he was out being social and that meeting up was generally the goal of on-line dating, so he should propose a new time and then some other mindless pleasant chatter. And of course, there has been nothing since then.

I hate men. though roosters they, I will not play the hen.
If you espouse an older man through girlish optimism,
He'll always stay at home at night and make no criticism,

Though you may call it love, the doctors call it rheumatism.

Oh I hate men.

And so my demons rejoice. Why? Because why the fuck should I even sucker myself into thinking for even one moment that I'm worthy of someone's attention? Why should I believe for a nanosecond that anyone should be interested in me? Of course they're not. Of course it's all bullshit. Of course it's impossible for someone to be into me for me. And this is why I trust men who are aloof and distant because it confirms that I'm worthless and not suitable to be loved or adored by anyone. And when I try to break the pattern? I'm just reminded of why it's fucking there.

From all I've read, alone in bed, from A to Zed, about 'em.
Since love is blind, then from the mind, all womankind should rout 'em,
But, ladies, you must answer too, what would we do without 'em?
Still, I hate men!

End Rant.
We now return you to your normal blog.

20 July 2006

Cut Out My Heart So That I Can See

The trouble with going from manic busy to bored is that your system is all geared up to go at a pace. So that when you actually stop and find you have nothing to do, your mind decides that all that excess energy should go to something so starts looking through your internal garbage for something to sort out.

What I in no way should have done in my boredom today was to have a look through the file of emails I have from Mr.Aloof thinking that I could delete some that didn't matter anymore. Which of course meant I read a bunch of old emails which was particularly stupid and has landed me in a bit of a funk.

None of this renewed feeling of sadness and loss (though, to be somewhat positive, I recognize that what I'm feeling is much more personal sadness and loss, and not so much missing him- so I guess that's one good thing) is being helped by my confusion as to my current man state of affairs either. Not that I'm confused, it's just that the situation is all confused.

Tomorrow I am supposed to meet up with F, a new potential. F was very keen last weekend and the emails and chatter were flying. But this week he has been silent. Really, the last thing I need is someone who has bundles of energy only to disappear. No, really.

On Monday, I have planned a play/shag session with Mr.Noshow. Mr.Noshow and I have been chatting, no more now than any other time really. It always goes in waves. Anyway, I made him take me to dinner at Oxo tower this week, which was really good and enjoyable and very expensive (though he can easily afford it). And in all the recent discussions, it just came up, as it frequently does come up with him, but seeing as how I am not getting any otherwise and I'm not interested in emotional attachment at the moment, it seemed like a good idea. And maybe it will be a good idea. Or maybe it's just a distraction. I don't see it as something that happens again. Just something to do. Something else to do. Or maybe someone else to do.

Email conversation continues with V and A, though I'm sure I've gotten rid of V after he went from possibly interesting to downright annoying. If you annoy me within the first two weeks via email, I don't really see how a relationship can emerge. With A, email is just being slow. So it's hard to say if there's possibility there or not.

You know, I really wasn't ready to look at those emails objectively and I so should not have tried.

17 July 2006

Paper and Pen

This weekend say my return after some hiatus to my older style of journal keeping. It's really been rather spotty this year, and when I read back through it I feel a keen sense of loss. What I really need to do is go through and print out everything I write here as a complimentary document. Maybe even have it bound or something. God, that would be a massive waste of my time. Can you imagine? I'd probably do it in InDesign or something. Over-achiever that I can occasionally be on personal projects.

Of course I'm also a procrastinator- so while it's all a fantastic idea, it will probably never be done. Maybe. I seriously need to think about it though. Because not having paper copy of this blog to compliment my journals is a true loss I feel.

I've noticed I'm not writing here quite as much about things. Maybe it's just that there is nothing interesting to share. Or maybe it's that I'd rather keep private for various reasons some of the things that are going on. For as much as I enjoy keeping a blog or a record of my life, and for as much information as I willingly share with the internet, I am not actually all that much of an exhibitionist.

I really can't believe it's Monday again. Where is my summer going?

13 July 2006


The other week I was upstairs by the door of my bedroom speaking with D by the door to his bedroom about something that I can't remember.

"Oh," he said in relation to whatever it is we were speaking about that I can't remember, "you could use your backscratcher to do that."

I looked at him confused. I know D pretty much has free access to most of my worldly possessions but for the life of me, I could not recall where in my house there happened to be such an item. "Backscratcher? What backscratcher?"

"The one on your nightstand, over by your bed.", he said. I looked over at the nightstand in question. "That's a backscratcher, isn't it?". I looked back to D with a vague look of disbelief on my face.

"Um... that's not a backscratcher!"

"It isn't? What is it? I thought it was a backscratcher." At this point I think I started laughing so V, D's girlfriend who was in his room came out by the door.

"V, you see that item over there propped up on my nightstand, you know what it is right?". V peered into my room in the direction of the nightstand and blushed a bit and smiled and nodded, making a fist with one hand and waving it sharply through the air. "Well go educate your boyfriend would you?!"

10 July 2006

Another Monday

Why have the last two weeks been breaking the sound barrier? I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and everything is rushing past me in a blur of fuzzy shapes and forms.

I've been doing a lot of things, but nothing I feel particularly exuberant about writing about on here. Making another sock monkey in preparation for the office summer party this Friday. Talking to some guys on-line but not being hugely enamored of any of them. Doing lots of things for tlsd's birthday. Not studying yet. Laundry. Are you with me on this? It's pretty downright normal and not that write-able about.

I do have a funny story to tell, but I need to take a photo to go with it, as it's a story with a key visual. I'll try to remember to do that.

05 July 2006

Long Week

This week is not really entertaining me as much as I'd like for it to. I have too much going on. And most of it isn't great. At heart I am a sloth. I make no protestations that I am not. I embrace my sloth-like nature, even though it frequently pisses me off.

But sometimes, you can't be a sloth. Sometimes, the choice is taken away from you. And as much as we all know how much I like my choice taken away from me, in this respect, it is not one of those times.

I'm very busy at work, working on two projects. One that needs my full-time attention, and one that needs a technician. Of course I keep getting pulled to do work for the latter when all I want to do is focus on the former, because I feel that it's very important that I do a good job.

Now that we are reasonably into July, I am starting to have mild panic that I have not started studying for my next exam. I need to start doing this immediately. For that matter, I need to book my exam. I've booked my tickets already, and I know when I want to take it, so I just need to go online and do it. See above, re, sloth.

I probably forgot to mention that I am also teaching at the moment. On a distance learning unit for the course that I've done the past two years. This year, due to various circumstances I didn't go off to Wales to teach, but I'm still doing the distance learning unit. This takes a bunch of time, although it's usually fairly enjoyable. It's just that it's coupled with so much stress with everything else going on that I'm finding it hard. And I worry that I'm not doing as good a job as I should be doing. Of course.

Lastly, I'm dealing with the dating thing again. Talking to a couple of people here and there. This always makes me feel insecure and generally crap and useless. I have one guy who is quite keen, but doesn't seem as keen in the right places as myself, so I'm not really sure about the true potential there. And then I have had some minimal contact with this guy that I noticed at LAM on Sunday. Which is nuts, I saw this guy and I was like 'wow he's really hot'. And so I'm a bit dumbstruck that he chatted a bit with me, even though he doesn't remember me at all (I only saw him, I didn't talk to him). So that's random. But it's not making me happy, it's making me stressed and unhappy. Go figure.

Anyway, tomorrow night it's out with the gang for tlsd's birthday celebrations which should be cool. But I'm not giving her her gift until her actual birthday over the weekend. Haha sucker.

02 July 2006

Electric Sunday

Although last week was a very busy and mentally stressful week, and I had looked forward to relaxing and recharging over the weekend, it seems that I spent my weekend out and about doing things and so now that it is Sunday night, I am not sure that I feel that well rested at all!

Yesterday after going to Broadway Market, tlsd and M and I went to the high street to do some shopping, and then back to their place to watch both the games and have a barbecue. Oh boo hoo England lost, Brazil lost. I don't really care about soccer anyway, so it hardly mattered to me. Then we, including the other flatmates and another friend of one stayed around drinking and hanging out for a bit. So I got home around midnight and promptly fell right to sleep.

Today my plan was to meet up with N and head to the London Alternative Market which seems to be in direct competition to the London Fetish Fair. Not that I care. I don't attend events of any sort, including munches, frequently at all. I don't consider myself 'on scene', although I do not question my interests and activities, and would backhand anyone who did. Although this was the 5th LAM, it was the first I have attended. In particular because it is held right down at Clapham Junction, a ten minute walk from where Mr.Aloof (used to) live. Up until now, I'd found the idea of being that close to the object of my desire, but not being able to have it far too painful. But now what was the object of my desire is no longer, and I felt I could brave the long journey south without too much sadness and longing.

I met up with N around 11:30, which meant I left my house around 10:15. I used attending the market as an excuse to wear my black puff-ball skirt which I bought a while back but hadn't found an occasion to wear it to yet along with a new tank top I bought at Marks yesterday. I was feeling fairly chipper about my outfit and positive about going (given my past thoughts on the matter, this was a good thing). N had been to the market all but the first time, so in we went for a wander about looking at some of the stalls before heading upstairs to get a good spot for the electricity workshop which N was keen on attending.

Now I might like lots of things other people find strange- being spanked, flogged, whipped, cropped, caned, clamped, and tied to name a few, but I have never been particularly interested in the idea of electric play. Not sure why, it just never struck my fancy. So I went out of curiosity, but not curiosity, you know? The workshop was good- mostly information on how not to kill someone and what the various electric kits on the market meant. This was good information, but it still wasn't really selling me on the idea (nor was the 'it apparently feels like the best blow job ever', not having the right equipment myself).

After the workshop, N and I had some crepes and then walked around the stalls a lot more and chatted to various people here and there. N bought some nylon rope in a lovely cranberry color. I thought about buying rope, but for what? What good would it be to learn how to tie? It's not like I can learn to tie myself up. I don't know. That aspect of the market was still difficult. I saw some great toys that I would love to feel biting into my skin. But what's the point when there's no one to share that with? A submissive really can't buy that much equipment. I mean, what's the point? But it is frustrating. Around 2:30 there was a prize draw for everyone who had dropped their name in a bucket. I had put my name in, along with a hundred other people. So imagine my shock when the very first name to be called out was mine! I never win anything! And then, to make it even funnier, N was the other name called out!! I mean, what are the odds of that? N said her luck had been running high all week, and I thought it was pleasant karmic retribution as the MC who was in charge of the prizes was also the person who ran the workshop, and while running the workshop had made a slanderous comment towards Americans if you can believe such a thing! So we both won 20 quid which was very exciting.

After our prize money was delivered by the bouncy J, we went to wander around some more to see what we could spend our winnings on. While we browsed the stalls for the millionth time, N finally got a chance to be zapped at the violet wand vendor table. Since, as it should be obvious by our early attendance to make the workshop, she's quite interested in electrics. I watched as the implement sparked across her skin and she jumped and squirmed and squeaked about. It really just looked... I don't know, I still wasn't sold. As she enjoyed the attention of the electric sparks, I chatted to the other main vendor who was quietly trying to persuade me that electricity could be fun. Now, don't get me wrong, I can be quite a 'hard' player. I do like intensity. But for some reason the thought of being shocked a bunch wasn't seeming appealing. But he said he'd show me after N was through. After a while she was done and I was encouragingly ushered to her now vacant spot. After dealing with a customer, it was my turn and.... it was far nicer than I thought it would be! On the lowest setting you feel more of the glass tube on your skin than the electricity, and when you do feel the electricity it's like the mildest of tingles. With a little increase on the dial, the sparks felt like teeny tiny pin-pricks. The sensation wasn't that far off a wartenburg wheel, but different because it was less regular and spread over a wider area. Using different attachments, there were different sensations. But it was a delicious sort of sensation overload. Not to say I was overloaded, I could have had that done to me for hours! As I got more comfortable, there was a little bit of increase in the power and a couple of more solid jolts. A couple to my breasts through my clothes which were pretty cool and interesting, and also on the back of my neck. I can see how it becomes an addictive interest though. I can't say I've ever felt anything like it, so the idea of feeling it again is quite appealing.

The plus side to this was that the vendor N (not my friend N) sort of invited me to come say hello at a club when they're there, which sort of seemed like an invite to play at a club. Which sort of seems interesting at the moment, so I need to think about that one.

As we winded down, my friend N saw someone she knew whom we ended up talking to for a bit. A transvestite submissive who was in male mode and a couple of his friends, two of whom were dressed and one who wasn't. Well as it turns out, her friend M was really nice and an electrician (how much electricity can a girl have in a day???) and while we talked about all sorts of things I managed to ask if he knew anyone who did electrics because I needed some done in my house and I basically got an offer from him to come do it! So now I really need to find some fixtures for my hall and figure out if I want this awesome fixture for my kitchen that I saw by Spitalfields if it's still there, and I'll be able to finally check something else off my home to-do list.

I wish I had another day to my weekend though. Seriously.