Why I Want Shouldn't Have Children, Part 1

Don't worry. I'm not getting broody. Occasionally I wonder if I will actually have children or if that aspect of life will pass me by. Not getting any younger, you know. But really, that's not the thrust of today's musings.

I find children fascinating in that lab-rat experiment sort of way. The way their minds work and the way they learn things is truly amazing. As a parent, you are given the responsibility to nurture that process. But as a twisted individual, you could fuck with that process, and produce unusual and amusing results.

As an example, my good friend S's parents taught her to speak like Inspector Clouseau from the pink panther movies because it was entertaining. It was only when she got to kindergarten that she learned she was talking strange and had to unlearn it. That's not cruel, it's funny.

I never had a sibling, so it's not like I got to take out this sort of aggression when I was younger. Well, that's not entirely true. I remember when I was seven that me and my little friend Z taught her younger sister, aged 3 that "fuck you" meant "I love you". The we convinced her to go tell her mommy that she loved her in the new way she'd learned. We got in some trouble for that. I remember when I was six, I was made to take a nap with a family friend who was four. I got her to drink blue shampoo and then freaked her out because I convinced her she was actually turning blue like smurf and that it would be permanent. I got in trouble for that one. When I was under ten I think I would stare at children to see if I could make them cry just by looking at them (I could). I'm not saying these things to prove that I'm a horrible person, I'm just looking at my history of child experimentation (I think abuse is a very harsh word) and considering a future where I might have an ankle-biter of my own.

I have always thought it would be fun to have a child because you could make it believe lots of things that weren't true. For example, you could take all those books of colors and change the colors around so that your child learned that red was blue and blue was green and green was purple and purple was yellow, etc. How would they know any better? I mean, eventually, when they would get to school, the trick would be up, but how amusing would that be?

The one that particularly sticks out however, is that I would absolutely teach a child of mine dog tricks by using the same methodology. Sit. Roll over. Play dead. Lie down. Shake. Beg. I mean, wouldn't that be fantastic? How much fun would that be at parties. Of course this would be reinforced by the laughter that the child would get from such antics.

My mom tells a story about how when I was little people would say "Where's your nose?" and I would point to anything but my nose because adults would laugh. Positive reinforcement you see.

Think of the possibilities....