Nerves

Oh, I've done it now. So this morning I was feeling disgruntled about Mr.Aloof still. No word since Thursday and I was feeling somewhat 'over it' and finally at a place I could send an email saying what I wanted to say. (Two previous emails, one from last Saturday and one from this Thursday are still sitting in my draft box).

I find it easier to let emotions cool before sending a sharp email. It comes off as less whiney, more rational. And I do appreciate at least -seeming- rational.

And so after lunch, the sneaky Mr.Aloof who was invisible on my messenger sent me an IM:

Sensei: Kahlil Gibran to begin what could be a long night.............
Sensei: tuesday, wednesday or thursday?

*gulp*

His opening line indicated he had read my email. Shit, shit shit. We settled on Tuesday. Like.. fucking -tomorrow-!! (No pun intended)

Some more IM exchange and then:

Sensei: so
Sensei: tomorrow..will be late.......
Sensei: so best you sleep well tonight..............

*gulp*

I got the sensation of tingles down my spine. A clenching in the gut. I knew I wanted this when I sent the email, but the immediacy of having it said was somehow unexpected. Having things shift and move. It throws ice onto my nerves and my entire body tenses. I know I want this, but I immediately started to freak. I did mention I was complicated, no? *laugh*

And lastly, almost as an afterthought, but not at all an afterthought, he asked:

Sensei: do you want a safeword?

*gulp*

A safeword is always a good idea. I don't generally like using one in play- for the unknowing, a 'safeword' is an agreed upon word in a bdsm relationship where play immediately stops. You choose a word that wouldn't be said in normal conversation and both parties agree that if the word is said, play ends immediately. This allows people to say 'no', to struggle, to fight- without worrying their partner that they actually mean 'no', are struggling, or fighting in earnest. I have never been in a position where I felt I needed to use a safeword. I have had a partner ask for it (the general standard is the traffic light code: green- I'm fine, yellow- things are okay but don't go further, and red- stop) to see where I was at, and I never said anything but green, no, maybe I said yellow once. But never red. And I found the asking for it distracting at the moment. I prefer to simply know it's there.

It's a good idea to have a safeword when you play with things that can actually harm you.

Oh shit am I ever nervous. And grinning like an idiot. Maybe this week is looking up.