Calm

Eventually my mind races so fast and so hard that it just shuts itself off and I go into detached autopilot. I think my shirt is too bright. And I am fretting a bit about how to enter an unknown space and approach someone and sit by them when I do not know what the space looks like, where or how they will be sitting or where will be available for me to sit. But these are minor. The rest of my mind is calm. Serene even. I'm sure it's a defensive measure. Got to love the brain.

I was thinking today about futures. I realize it's something I don't spend much time thinking on. Someone said to me yesterday 'life is what happens to you while you are busy making plans'. I don't think it's fair to say that I have no direction in life, because that's not true. I have a couple of long term goals that I am slowly working towards. But I have no concrete plans. I don't have time limits or expiration dates in my future. I just exist.

I'm thinking that this is related to my 'grass is always greener' syndrome. But unlike how I am usually distressed thinking that there are other things I should be doing with my life, instead I find myself somehow content to be adrift in the world. It's like a type of life-numbness.

Shit. I think this means I'm getting old.