I know I have written about this lecture I am preparing for my teaching gig in Wales next week. On Wednesday and Thursday nights, I specifically came home with the full intention of working diligently on my lecture, and hopefully finishing it. Needless to say, though the structure is set, the lecture is still only half done.
What I absolutely did NOT want was to be working on my lecture this weekend. And yet, today, after going to Broadway Market with T, we went by S + C's house and then it was too late for me to go home so I went to T's place and then we went to see Kung Fu Hustle at Angel for her birthday. Which was all well and good and what I should have been doing- but I wasn't getting my lecture accomplished either.
I know I have written before about my apparent slackness. I sometimes wonder what shade of brilliant my life would be, if only I would learn to apply myself. Instead, as written recently, I seem to be more content to drift along. But sometimes it seems to me, that it's something of a waste.
So when it comes to things like 'work', I have the complete knack of leaving everything until the last fucking possible minute. I have never not made a deadline- but I have never not been in a mad panic to reach one. It seems to be the way I operate. Feast or famine.
What pisses me off, is that even when I try to break the pattern, I seem to end up back in it. So this morning, when Mr.Ball asked me if I needed a carrot or a stick to motivate me, it was instantly clear to me that I needed the stick. I've tried to bribe myself before with 'if you get things done on time then you can have something nice' and the fact is, it rarely works. What I really need is someone standing over me giving me mini deadlines- and giving me hell if I don't make them.
Of course Mr.Ball politely offered to come over with a stick and give me some post-productive education... now that was a bit cheeky I thought. And I'm sure Mr.Aloof wouldn't appreciate it.....
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