Insecurity

Most people who know me very well, know that once you get past my rather open and in-your-face sort of attitude, I am actually fairly insecure. I've spent lots of time trying to overcome many of my younger insecurities, however, while I have made progress, progress sometimes only involves acceptance of what I see as undeniable flaws, and not the actual removal of seeing them as such.

And so it all gets a bit messy when it comes to me and relationships. Perhaps one of the reasons I have been so easy going about my relationship with Mr.Aloof is that there has been enough of a distance and separation to allow me to keep my insecurities relatively suppressed. Fuck, we don't even call each other by our real names. He is the only person who thinks of me as literally 'K' and not my full name. And for him, early when we met, as a joke, I called him a name I made up, since he uses two (one for what he sees as his day to day persona and another for what he sees as his dominant persona) and I told him I preferred one, so I would call him by the one I chose. The only time I call him by name is when making reference to him to my friends, but that's for their benefit, not how I think of him in my head.

Anyway, as referenced by my last post, things have been changing. Mainly, that we just saw each other three times this week, which included two nights in a row, and for the first time, this morning, included daytime which was also for the first time, weekend time. In ten months, we have never spent so much time together, nor had "free day time" for lack of a better way to think about it. This probably wouldn't have meant anything, but as I said last time, conversations have been happening and things are slowly shifting and so I find I have become insecure.

Recently I made Mr.Aloof aware that I own a corset. It was somewhat on a whim, and somewhat to see what he would do. I mean, I knew what he was likely to do, and I probably even knew that it would stir up my feelings about self-image and such, so for the life of me, I can't think of why I actually sent him the blurry photo of me wearing the corset when he asked me for a photograph. But I did. And he of course told me to bring it- for Thursday night, but as it turns out, I did not wear it for him until last night.

To his credit, when he found me, standing next to the door against the wall in the loft space, not wanting to look him in the eye, feeling somewhat foolish, and particularly unattractive, he ran his hands along my laced body in obvious appreciation and said that he should make me dress for him more often. I think I tried to sink further into the floor or the wall at that point, when he forced me to look at him, and he kissed me and said softly in my ear, "You are beautiful, K." Which is all the right thing to do of course and I've gotten to the point where I can at least allow that he may have seen me as beautiful, but he saw something I don't. It did help though, and I became slightly more relaxed, and our evening was underway.

In general, it was a more relaxed sort of evening for us. While there was a blindfold, and obviously the corset- which is, in it's own way restrictive, there was no pain or additional humiliation. More slow, sensual- gentle even.

And in the spirit of trying to not be so negative, let me counter my description of one ongoing insecurity with progress on another, also related.

I have written before, some comments about insecurities in regards to oral sex. The giving of, not receiving- have never had issues there. But in the giving, I have always felt inadequate- honestly not really having enough experience in the matter. You just reach an age where you start to think that people will have expectations of your knowledge and ability and start to feel worse and worse about your lack thereof, or, well, I do at least.

So last night there was also oral sex. The first time, after I had been the subject of some prolonged and leisurely attentions, I was silently directed, while blindfolded, to the task. And I was pleased to make a mental note, that it didn't seem quite as intimidating as it has in the past, still, while it went on for some time, he eventually pulled away from me- and we went on to other things for a while.

Eventually we ended up in bed, and for some reason I felt more confident, or perhaps, more outgoing than I usually do. And after some horizontal touching and kissing and stroking, I decided to continue my earlier oral explorations. Following on the earlier part of the evening, I was finding that I was relaxed enough to do what I was doing, and instead of feeling so overwhelmingly insecure and self-conscious, was able to note that certain things I did generated certain desirable responses. So I continued what I was doing, and this time he didn't stop me. And so, for the first time- not just with him, but with anyone actually, my oral attentions resulted in... completion.

I guess that's one insecurity I can finally start putting behind me.