Incoming

I haven't felt the urge to post much these days. There is something I wanted to post, but I promptly forgot it, so that's put me off. The other thing that's kept me away is simply the amount of stress I have bubbling inside of me.

Each person deals with stress in their own different way, though I assume there are some general rules of thumb that everyone falls into one way or another. My tactic for stress is avoidance. The more stressed I become, the more lethargic and detached I become. The more uninterested. The harder to engage.

This is how I feel now. My life to me feels like a movie projector clacking in the background as images of people and locations, conversations, meals, traffic- they all pass in a sickening contorted fashion. A maelstrom around me as I sit in the dark theater, buffered and still.

I have not prepared enough for these exams I'm going to take. This is a fact. It is not debatable. I may not pass both exams. I may not even pass one exam. Yet I am locked in this course, I will take them both, and suffer the outcome.

And the phobia. I don't spend my time thinking about the flights. In fact I try very hard not to. But giving time to think about them or not, they are still coming. I will get on the plane, it will lift into the air. There will probably be some turbulence. I will be frightened. I will face my mortality. Again. And the plane will land and I will feel stupid and tired and stressed about the exams and annoyed with my mother and allergic to the cats.

This is why I have not been posting. I do not feel that I have anything productive to say.