Trying It On

A weekend without contact from Mr.Aloof is helpful. As usual, he seems to have disappeared for the weekend which means I'm not getting any more inappropriate emails. Not until Monday anyway. And it's a relief. It lets me continue to process the separation, to make the distance in my heart.

Last night I was camped out with SP at Hackney Central for eons. On Wednesday, when the break happened she suggested we meet up Saturday night as none of my other friends were going to be around and I was feeling a bit fragile and in need of friend-support. So last night we met up at 6:30 and somehow didn't leave until almost midnight, talking all the while.

SP is an ongoing drama in her own right as she has previous featured here and here. Of course she's still with the bastard. But I think she knows the end is coming, she's just putting it off. But she'll only be able to put it off for so long. And she knows it, but she doesn't want to know it.

I think I was struck yesterday by the idea of people trying things on, specifically, people trying relationships on. I'll give you this much, but not that much. I'll feel this much, but not that much. It's complete crap. Okay, maybe you try something on for a while, but you have to put up or shut up. Shit or get off the pot. There is no having your cake and eating it too. Too many people get greedy, get selfish. Want the very most for the very least. Want all the joy with none of the effort. Well, you know what I say to that? Fuck you. Make an investment into something you care about you bitches and bastards. Other people are not here for your amusement.

It's strange to me how this is a persistent theme across a few different threads in or around my life at the moment. What is wrong with people? I know it's sanctimonious and self-righteous but I'd like to kill all the mother fuckers on this planet who see nothing wrong with using people (and when I say that, before you ask, yes, I DO mean that I get to decide who is what). First, this would hugely help the planet in terms of environmental issues and consumption, and second, it would ensure that all the twisted evil fuck-ups who can't be bothered to put the effort into pulling their own shit together don't spread their misery feces over all the rest of us who are trying to get by and do the right thing.

I tell you, it's a comfort in my life that for as depressed as I've ever been, I've never actually been suicidal. Homicidal is much more my style. After all, it's everyone else causing the problems. If it was just me on my own, I'd fucking be fine.

Wow. I'm completely having a rant here. Well, I have alluded to the fact that I can be a complete and utter bitch before. I don't have patience for people at the moment. Do the right thing or just fucking go away and die I say. I'm tired of being unhappy because of other people's bullshit.