Eschew the Easy Route

I'm slightly tipsy, having gone out for drinks for H's last day at my office. After all the stress his being there caused me, just like that he's so easily gone. So I've had about five vodka and cokes and while I'm not drunk, and I'm not even buzzing, I feel slightly off-kilter. And very, very distressed.

I am distressed because I am incredibly horny. I was at a meeting earlier today that was entirely boring and the entire time I'm going through individual moments with Mr.Aloof. The feeling of being held, bound, blindfolded, tied, whipped, teased, and fucked. I really wasn't paying much attention to the meeting at all, not that I really needed to. I came back, drank and talked with people, then sank into my own mind and started thinking about it again.

Here is the problem. Of course I could email Mr.Aloof and say I just wanted to hook up. In the parting he said that he didn't mind at all continuing as we had been. Well, DUH, of course he didn't mind continuing as we had been, it was me who was not satisfied with being his beck-and-call girl. Why the fuck would he have minded continuing in perfect happiness with things suiting him?? And then there was the suggestive email last week. And so, a week later- checking my email perhaps a bit too frequently and wishing there will be something and happy and sad that there is nothing, I find that I am trying to rationalize to myself, why it is okay to fuck Mr.Aloof when it is anything but.

I try to tell myself that because I know that things are 'over' that I can somehow be above it all and just fuck him without emotion which is entirely untrue. I know that if I were to play with him, that I would find myself just as attached and hopeful that he will be the person I want him to be and not the person that he is, and that I will not only have to feel this exact same pain again, but it will be in addition to the hatred I will have for myself for being so stupid as to have done it in the first place.

But of course, this sucks. I get no pleasure from missing him right now. And I get no pleasure from not having someone to fuck and beat me hard. And so I am again trying to tell myself that why is it wrong for me to just get some small pleasure out of him? Why do I suffer at every goddamn turn of this stupid story? Why don't I get anything good or pleasant out of it? It would be so easy to just go back... telling myself it's different, but somehow knowing that it's not. And it's so fucking hard and miserable to do the goddamn right thing. And for what? What the hell am I getting out of this except some sort of lesson that I think I already know?

I guess obviously, I don't.