Pondering

Oh I wish I wish I wish I was born a man
So I could learn how to stand up for myself
Like those guys with guitars
I've been watchign in bars
Who've been stamping their feet to a different beat
To a different beat
To a different beat

Went this evening to the Martha Wainwright concert at the Bloomsbury Theatre with SA. It was very entertaining and, in tribute, the source of today's lyrics. I got home to my neighbors having some party and being very loud. They are still being very loud, or maybe it's just that noise travels exceptionally well from the street into this flat, hard to tell. I only half paid attention however, because I was on the phone with SP for the entire bus ride home and walk up to my flat and last hour. Things still not quite ended there, and so incredibly bad that you really can't fathom how anyone could stay.

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I"m all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

Focusing again on thoughts of why it's bad to do what feels good now for all the wrong reasons. How I don't want to be in this position again a week a month or a few months down the road. Pondering also the futility at the moment of idle fantasies about other people. Who don't take the time to really get to know me, who don't ever actually come across as all that interested. Damnit. I deserve someone who is actually interested in me and my quirky ways. Not idly around in passing and taking advantage of my interest in them. I know this is in part spillover from the Mr.Aloof situation, but no actually, if I fall for this then I'm falling for the same crap I always fall for. I want more. I deserve more. I am sick of this bullshit. I want to be with someone who actually fucking wants to be with me and I don't have to beg them for their attention. That's it. That's not so much, is it?

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody...