Dropping A Stitch

What an annoying day. And here I thought my hormones were settling down. Seems like no, as things are irritating me more than usual. Maybe it's the prolonged absence from my rug. I need to roll around on it for a while to feel better about life. It's my own personal K-catnip.

Tlsd is back in London, I know this because I got a text off her. I doubt I'll get much more until tomorrow as she seems a bit tired and otherwise occupied.

Peanut butter cookies were a big hit at today's stitch n' bitch. And somehow I managed to drop a stitch in my scarf. Not at all sure how that happened. I think I salvaged it okay, but being the obsessive person I have the potential to be and seeing the mood I'm in, my inclination is to rip the whole thing apart in frustration even though it's basically fixed. I think I'll leave it be for now.

Got another email from Mr.Aloof yesterday. Two sentences and a pornographic photo. That upset me. A week of checking my email, hoping for something, sad there was nothing, happy there was nothing. Then I get something and it throws me into confusion, clearly showing that I'm not through processing things. I composed a reply which was painful for me, but necessary. And no, I didn't tell him to go away and leave me alone forever, but I told him that his version of 'letting me go' was mean and inconsiderate. And that of course I want to see him, but I can't take what comes with it because I want more than he has to offer, so playing games is not the way forward. So far no response. I don't expect one for a while. I do vaguely think he'll reply, though I'm not at all sure what he'll say. It's uncharted territory for us. But I don't think he'll send me any more porn. So that was annoying and sad. Good thing I had my rug to roll around on to make me feel better.

I was particularly annoyed though at SH's response to me about the whole situation. I knew I was slipping into stupid thoughts and had emailed her and some others asking for confirmation of my impending stupidity and she sent me a pretty bitchy email, particularly if one considers that she is in the process of not trying to talk to her long-standing man-leech of six years. She says to me, 'I don't have the same feelings you do, and I'm not in the same position you are, and I don't feel the need to contact him'. But then I hear from tlsd that is total bullshit and she's been agonizing about emailing him and texting him and it's eating her up. So why the fuck be a bitch to me about it and act all holier than thou? It was just obnoxious. And considering she's tried to split with her man-leech like ten times previously, one would think she'd be more understanding to what the duality of knowing the right thing to do versus wanting to feel good for a moment is like, instead of acting like she's better than me. Fuck that. It really pissed me off.

Anyway. I am trying to concentrate on things that are good right now. My rug. The weather. My photos I'm getting framed. And not all the things that are pissing me off. *sigh*

Oscillating

Alternate titles for today's post also included, "The Smell of Leather", "Back and Forth", or "Scandinavian Wannabe". On this very lackadaisical bank holiday Monday I have not done very much. The weather has much reflected my state of mind. Brilliantly sunny with blue blue sky and alternately chucking down rain. The temperature is fairly cool due to all the evaporative cooling but if you stand in the sun you can really feel the warmth.

I recognize my posting is reflecting my alternating lows about the Mr.Aloof situation and potentially not the flip side where I am fine. Right now for example, I am fine with it. This back and forth, ebb and flow, urgency and relaxation- it is all a part of the grieving and healing process. I must go through these moments so that it will trouble me no more. I get alternately needy and angry and wanting and then, after some time has passed, I feel okay. As time passes, those moments of needing and anger will be less, and the feeling of calmness and fine will be more, and then, I will be over this sadness. It's all going to be okay.

Today, I bought a rug. Well, in fairness, I bought three rugs, but I am using them as one rug. And really it's hard to say 'rug' when what I really want to say is 'woven sheepskin goodness'. My lounge smells like yummy leather, and good leather and wool it is. So soft and fluffy, it's like silk between my toes. Very springy and soft. Makes me want to quickly move forward with my plans to put in a gas fire and have custom built wall units because laying on the sheepskin rug in front of a fire would just be completely wonderful. Though to be fair, it is the wrong season. Still, my Scandinavian aesthetic now seems complete. Screw the Dutch I say, Scandinavia is where it's at for design as far as I'm concerned. And anyone who says otherwise, isn't getting any cookies.

Pondering

Oh I wish I wish I wish I was born a man
So I could learn how to stand up for myself
Like those guys with guitars
I've been watchign in bars
Who've been stamping their feet to a different beat
To a different beat
To a different beat

Went this evening to the Martha Wainwright concert at the Bloomsbury Theatre with SA. It was very entertaining and, in tribute, the source of today's lyrics. I got home to my neighbors having some party and being very loud. They are still being very loud, or maybe it's just that noise travels exceptionally well from the street into this flat, hard to tell. I only half paid attention however, because I was on the phone with SP for the entire bus ride home and walk up to my flat and last hour. Things still not quite ended there, and so incredibly bad that you really can't fathom how anyone could stay.

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I"m all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

Focusing again on thoughts of why it's bad to do what feels good now for all the wrong reasons. How I don't want to be in this position again a week a month or a few months down the road. Pondering also the futility at the moment of idle fantasies about other people. Who don't take the time to really get to know me, who don't ever actually come across as all that interested. Damnit. I deserve someone who is actually interested in me and my quirky ways. Not idly around in passing and taking advantage of my interest in them. I know this is in part spillover from the Mr.Aloof situation, but no actually, if I fall for this then I'm falling for the same crap I always fall for. I want more. I deserve more. I am sick of this bullshit. I want to be with someone who actually fucking wants to be with me and I don't have to beg them for their attention. That's it. That's not so much, is it?

You bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody mother fucking asshole
Oh you bloody...

Cooking Saturday

Well, my moment of wanting to get in touch with Mr.Aloof has ebbed somewhat. I still want to, but it's not quite as dangerous to my actually doing it. This is perhaps because my interest was tweaked today by someone else. I hate that really. Because it is someone equally inaccessible. But there is untapped potential to at least imagine about, as opposed to a closed book. A distraction if you will. And a welcome one at that.

Today the weather in London was poo. I had wanted to go to Broadway Market but didn't. Flatmate D has been home all day as well, so we were talking about cooking various things, so I did manage to get myself to Tescos to pick up four bags of groceries. Then I settled into full on cooking mode. I made peanut butter cookies from my Joy of Cooking bible which is one of the best all around cookbooks ever. Then I taught D how to make sushi and we made tons of the stuff (no raw fish, all cooked) as I was feeling left out since tlsd and SH went for sushi and I am not with them.

A couple weeks ago I made tollhouse cookies which people here don't know about. Those were super tasty. One of them came out looking funny. D and I called it the devil cookie. Of course, I had to eat it.

Eschew the Easy Route

I'm slightly tipsy, having gone out for drinks for H's last day at my office. After all the stress his being there caused me, just like that he's so easily gone. So I've had about five vodka and cokes and while I'm not drunk, and I'm not even buzzing, I feel slightly off-kilter. And very, very distressed.

I am distressed because I am incredibly horny. I was at a meeting earlier today that was entirely boring and the entire time I'm going through individual moments with Mr.Aloof. The feeling of being held, bound, blindfolded, tied, whipped, teased, and fucked. I really wasn't paying much attention to the meeting at all, not that I really needed to. I came back, drank and talked with people, then sank into my own mind and started thinking about it again.

Here is the problem. Of course I could email Mr.Aloof and say I just wanted to hook up. In the parting he said that he didn't mind at all continuing as we had been. Well, DUH, of course he didn't mind continuing as we had been, it was me who was not satisfied with being his beck-and-call girl. Why the fuck would he have minded continuing in perfect happiness with things suiting him?? And then there was the suggestive email last week. And so, a week later- checking my email perhaps a bit too frequently and wishing there will be something and happy and sad that there is nothing, I find that I am trying to rationalize to myself, why it is okay to fuck Mr.Aloof when it is anything but.

I try to tell myself that because I know that things are 'over' that I can somehow be above it all and just fuck him without emotion which is entirely untrue. I know that if I were to play with him, that I would find myself just as attached and hopeful that he will be the person I want him to be and not the person that he is, and that I will not only have to feel this exact same pain again, but it will be in addition to the hatred I will have for myself for being so stupid as to have done it in the first place.

But of course, this sucks. I get no pleasure from missing him right now. And I get no pleasure from not having someone to fuck and beat me hard. And so I am again trying to tell myself that why is it wrong for me to just get some small pleasure out of him? Why do I suffer at every goddamn turn of this stupid story? Why don't I get anything good or pleasant out of it? It would be so easy to just go back... telling myself it's different, but somehow knowing that it's not. And it's so fucking hard and miserable to do the goddamn right thing. And for what? What the hell am I getting out of this except some sort of lesson that I think I already know?

I guess obviously, I don't.

Potato Bus Toothpick Madness

I took these photos last weekend I think, or the weekend before. I can't remember now, it's become a bit of blur recently. However, I do know that tlsd and I were riding on the bus to go somewhere, when we began to notice someone had put potatoes on the top of the bus stands. They all had toothpicks or similar little sticks jabbed in them. Some where painted, and others weren't. So I happened to be on the bus soon after and had my camera handy, so I tried to snap as many as possible. I was entirely amused by the potatoes. I loved the mad idea of bizarre public art. So here is my tribute to you, oh potato artists. A digital memory. (Click on photos for a larger view)

Meowmix

I know I've mentioned making things these past couple weeks. All started by the office stitch n' bitch. Well, having put the scarf aside for a bit, I did manage to actually finish something. It's my interpretation of this Japanese thing called amigurumi. Dolls that look like funny Japanese anime and cartoons. I'm rather proud of my first attempt. A cat I've called Meowmix. And yes, it was rather a bitch to make something so tiny (under 10cm!). But when have I ever turned down a challenge? (I think you can click on the images to see them bigger if interested...)

Detail in the Definition

Funny how just a few posts back I said that everyone was at a different stage of their pattern and now, just a short time later, we are all rather lined up quite nicely.

My friends ask me how I am, in respect to feeling sad about the departure of Mr.Aloof to which I generally respond that I am sad and processing the whole thing and trying to move on. Of course, as most of my friends know, sometimes, if one doesn't ask a specific question, one doesn't really get the full detailed answer. Ask a general question, get a general answer, if you want to know more, ask more.

I recognize sometimes, that I have more to say, when the question isn't asked, and then I hold that information inside and consider the answer myself. Sometimes, it is something I haven't consciously considered before. So I've been thinking about Mr.Aloof here and there. About how I miss him. About how of course I want to go have a fantastic play session in the five story Victorian warehouse. Really about how I want him to be the person that I see he has the potential to be, and not the person who he actually is at all.

It's a tricky bit of mental gymnastics to wrestle your brain into paying attention to this finer bit of detail. He is not the person that I want him to be. Yes, there is potential, there were glimpses of that fantasy within the totality of who he truly is. But just because I want him to be a certain way, does not mean that he actually can ever be that way. The trouble with me, and some of my friends is that we think we can achieve goals in other people by modifying our own behavior. When Mr.Aloof sent his parting email he said that although he had tried, he hadn't been able to feel the spark with me that he needed in order to take things any farther. And what was my first reaction? To wonder how I had failed or what I could have done differently to have made that spark occur. My next thought? To be irritated with him for not telling me what it was I was lacking so that I could have tried to be that for him. My third thought, and not at all where it should have been in the priority order of thinking was that of course this was all obvious, and I knew somewhere beneath my fantasy yearnings that he was not right for me either.

While I wanted him to be this person he is not, and hoped for him to suddenly fulfill the potential that I saw within him, that was not his reality. And the feelings I had for him were in many ways for the fantasy I had created around him, and not for who he actually is at all. And in a way, this is a helpful distinction to make. Because while I feel sad and miss 'him', I quickly follow this up with a mental reminder that what I miss is something that I never had. What I long for, is something that he never was. And that it is not my job in life to become anything other than who I am to make someone treat me with respect and consideration. That I did not deserve the crap that he put me through, my tolerance, my forgiveness, or my patience. He, the man who he truly is, is unworthy of me, and is not actually the person to whom I am tied. I am tied to the fantasy of him.

But the processing of this is easier. I am tied therefore, to something that lies solely within myself. And so I ask myself, what role does this fantasy play in my view of myself, that I feel so desperately that I need it, regardless of the real person who is now, in this deeper level of thinking, no longer worth considering? Because my fantasy construct understood me. Wanted to be with me. And on some level, I clearly feel that people don't understand me, and don't want to be with me. Which is why my attraction is so strong. Of course there is more- additional detail and bits of things that I attributed to the man who in no way resembled the properties I gave him. But I had just enough attention from him to make it stick. To make it believable.

The only way for me to get out of this cycle is to not look for things that are absent in me, in others. I know how they say that you can't really find love until you love yourself. And I think that's perhaps an oversimplified version of what I'm trying to deconstruct. You won't find stability while you look for others to complete you, or to compensate for your flaws. You won't find anyone to value you, if you don't value yourself. And why would they? Because it's not that you don't value yourself that's the problem, it's how you behave, or how you allow yourself to be treated because you don't. If you allow people to walk on you, someone will come along and take advantage of it.

Every day now that I'm not getting email from Mr.Aloof I feel the sadness. The dash of the tiny expectation, the extinguishing of the small hope. And every time it happens it reminds me that my sadness in many ways isn't really about him at all. It reminds me that I need to work on me for a while. And only for the very best reason of all. I know I deserve so much more, and I don't want to go through this all again.

Mid Week Musings

Actually this is only an update, not really a musing. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow my office has sent me for computer training on a new program we are considering which is cool because I like learning new things and it means I am out of the office. But the computer I got stuck with has no internet connection, so my online time has been a bit sparse this week.

Not sparse enough not to check my stat-counter however. And consider this the one thing I am going to say about things going on since two particular people seem to be checking on me four to five times a day, and it's not even about that. Which is to say, when have I ever spent time talking about the people I know who read here? Never. When have I ever contributed my own outside thoughts or opinions on this matter (from its inception onwards) in particular to this arena? Never. Am I going to? No, it's not about me, it's not my situation. And maybe if my friend didn't read here, I may have said more, as I have about other friends, but since that is not the case, it ain't never gonna happen. Those involved have public spaces to say what they like and if I feel the need to comment, I will do so on their blogs, but this is my blog, and it isn't about you, since you are not a part of my life in the slightest. I mean, are you trying to stalk my friend to read any last little comment she may leave? That's sad.

So enough of that. And in keeping with things going on here, no more inappropriate email from Mr.Aloof which is good. I'm sad of course because part of me wants to hear from him, but as long as he contacts me, I can't get through this current brand of sadness and make the necessary distance in my heart. So yes, part of me is sad not to hear from him, but it's the right thing to happen, because it's the only way that I can get on with my life. So it's going to be okay... and hopefully he'll keep it like that for long enough for me to not care.

And what have I been doing with tlsd away with my best friend in the States and SP with her relationship shattering into so many shards? I've been crocheting a tiny cat creature thing. Yes, I stopped the scarf about a quarter of the way to switch projects. And there is a pair of socks that has recently arrived from ebay that has monkey written all over it. But I really need to finish this scarf. Fuck. I'm such a procrastinator....

Trying It On

A weekend without contact from Mr.Aloof is helpful. As usual, he seems to have disappeared for the weekend which means I'm not getting any more inappropriate emails. Not until Monday anyway. And it's a relief. It lets me continue to process the separation, to make the distance in my heart.

Last night I was camped out with SP at Hackney Central for eons. On Wednesday, when the break happened she suggested we meet up Saturday night as none of my other friends were going to be around and I was feeling a bit fragile and in need of friend-support. So last night we met up at 6:30 and somehow didn't leave until almost midnight, talking all the while.

SP is an ongoing drama in her own right as she has previous featured here and here. Of course she's still with the bastard. But I think she knows the end is coming, she's just putting it off. But she'll only be able to put it off for so long. And she knows it, but she doesn't want to know it.

I think I was struck yesterday by the idea of people trying things on, specifically, people trying relationships on. I'll give you this much, but not that much. I'll feel this much, but not that much. It's complete crap. Okay, maybe you try something on for a while, but you have to put up or shut up. Shit or get off the pot. There is no having your cake and eating it too. Too many people get greedy, get selfish. Want the very most for the very least. Want all the joy with none of the effort. Well, you know what I say to that? Fuck you. Make an investment into something you care about you bitches and bastards. Other people are not here for your amusement.

It's strange to me how this is a persistent theme across a few different threads in or around my life at the moment. What is wrong with people? I know it's sanctimonious and self-righteous but I'd like to kill all the mother fuckers on this planet who see nothing wrong with using people (and when I say that, before you ask, yes, I DO mean that I get to decide who is what). First, this would hugely help the planet in terms of environmental issues and consumption, and second, it would ensure that all the twisted evil fuck-ups who can't be bothered to put the effort into pulling their own shit together don't spread their misery feces over all the rest of us who are trying to get by and do the right thing.

I tell you, it's a comfort in my life that for as depressed as I've ever been, I've never actually been suicidal. Homicidal is much more my style. After all, it's everyone else causing the problems. If it was just me on my own, I'd fucking be fine.

Wow. I'm completely having a rant here. Well, I have alluded to the fact that I can be a complete and utter bitch before. I don't have patience for people at the moment. Do the right thing or just fucking go away and die I say. I'm tired of being unhappy because of other people's bullshit.

Weekend Hibernation

What the fuck is it with men. Pathetic fucking species. There is a saying here, that we don't have in the States which I think is so monumentally useful that maybe I should get a tattoo of it on the back of my hand just so I don't forget. The saying is simply this:

"Treat them mean, keep them keen."

That's right, I used a large font and italics and everything people. So yes, if you hadn't guessed, I have this tearful painful wrenching break with Mr.Aloof and what does he do? He starts sending me pornographic images. Like every day. Now, it's only been two days, so perhaps I'm being melodramatic but I know what it's all about. Once you take away the option of the bareback pony ride, it seems like all a guy wants is to get back on that horse, and will just do anything to get it.

Take for example, Mr.Noshow as a prime example. Mr.Noshow, who for less regular readers was the guy I was seeing before Mr.Aloof was summarily dumped by me for inconsistent behavior... huh... sound familiar? Why yes it does, but that's another post. Well, he couldn't meet me when I was willing to see how things could go with him, but as soon as I dumped him, he was pretty much on me at every opportunity. Now, it's okay with Mr.Noshow, because I never had any feelings for him. So I let him buy me a meal and a drink every now and then, and we have the same conversation pretty much every week or so, and he keeps saying how much he wants to bend me over and have his deviant way with my backside, but it's been well over a year, and that just hasn't happened. Really, because I was only interested in Mr.Aloof. I toyed with the idea, but it wasn't what I wanted.

Now of course, it's been high on my mind, having a nice hard shag and beating by Mr.Noshow who would be more than happy to oblige after all this time. But I am not here to talk about him, I'm more here to talk about the way I see Mr.Aloof heading. So he's not that into me, but he wants to fuck me. He doesn't want to be there for me, but he'd like me to come over and play with him. Fuck that. And fuck the fact that I want it so bad that my skin itches. So the question is, do I have the internal strength to stay away? I haven't had the strength yet to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone. I know I should, that's not really the point. We broke up. Officially. So really, it's not an option. And he left me alone for so long anyway, it's just now- now that I took it off the table, oh he wants it. Well fuck him. This has been a miserable week and this is the last thing I need.

So anyway, I think I'm going to hibernate this weekend. Only leave my house for necessities. And I'm going to knit and crochet stuff to pass the time. Because I'm pathetic. I'll probably never have sex again.

More Terror For Tots

Regular readers may recognize the leading image, and also be familiar with my fascination with inappropriate toys for children. Well, the artist responsible for this masterwork, has also done some other, equally wonderful works. Now I am sure they are intended as 'art' but really... I see these and all I can think is 'baby gift'. (Click on any image for a larger view).

Endings

From the obscure to the concrete. The long drawn out saga has come to an end. Mr.Aloof and I are no more.

I set the wheel in motion last Friday. Really, I probably set in motion the week before with a postcard I sent him. But I knew, as I sometimes do, what the outcome would be. I knew in that abstract way of protecting yourself and not being able to feel it, so that when it actually happens you almost stumble with the surprise of the hurt. Did I not say that this was coming, what I was doing, what the outcome would be? I knew, and yet, I did not want to know until it happened.

But now it has happened.

And I am hurting.

It's not a bitter angry thing full of vile words and venom. It was just an honest and open acknowledgement on both sides that neither of us could be what the other person wanted. An amicable parting.

It will pass, but it's unpleasant. The overwhelming sadness for the story that never was. For the fantasy that was not reality. For the person I loved, who did not exist.

Patterns

Seems to be the topic of conversation of late. People and their actions and their attractions. At the moment, each of my good friends is at a different stage of her own pattern. One is at the very beginning, mostly avoiding the discussion about how she's falling into pattern, silently telling herself this time is different. Another is firmly in the middle, though perhaps just past middle, finally starting to see her pattern, finally starting to fight against it, but still living it daily. Yet another is at the end of a cycle, feeling somewhat smug about her new-found strength, but of course part of her pattern is also a cycle of ending things, but then not really ending them, so who knows if it will really stick this time? And then there is me. Well past middle and right before the end of my pattern.

And so conversation with my friends has been about patterns. Mine or theirs, depending on where the focus ended up, depending on who was receptive to listening and who wasn't, depending on who was hurting and who isn't. The pattern is seductive. It feels so natural. It's no wonder we all fall back into it time and time again. But time and time again it is simply not right. It's not that one day the right pattern match is going to show up and suddenly work, the attraction is actually to all those things that guarantee that it will never work correctly. So it's a deceptive mentality. We desire our patterns, but by desiring them, we seek the very thing that cannot fulfill us no matter what.

Except the pattern is always so shining and bright in the beginning. It's always so easy to make excuses, or to give someone the benefit of the doubt because really, me and my friends are generally nice people who try to do the right thing. But to break your pattern you have to be selfish. You have to be a not nice person. You have to stop forgiving, stop making excuses, stop brushing under the rug. You have to be aggressive about yourself and your needs and your expectations. Maybe that's really the heart of the problem. Learning to prioritize yourself and your expectations and requirements above anyone else's.

Is it folly to expect that one can break their pattern? One must be able to. People always talk about how they changed their type, their method, their actions and all of the sudden they found the right person. But while easy to say, it's not easy to do. Because for as much pain as the pattern brings, it brings joy as well in the 'almost perfect but not quite' sense. It's that taste of almost perfect that keeps us in our patterns. Keeps us hoping for a change or a variation that won't end us up in exactly the same spot. Maybe it's Nature's way of guaranteeing we don't get to reproduce. Maybe our pattern flaws are symptomatic of a wider genetic malfunction. It would be nice to believe in a bigger picture, to allow a reason for all this needless torture. But I think that it's just life. Either you manage to pull your shit together, or all you're left with is a lifetime of patterns.

No More Pink Snow

Well, my favorite two weeks of pink snow seem to have mostly gone now that the leaves have filled in on all the trees. Still, it's fairly magical while it lasts if you can find it. This photo is from my trip back home. In the parking lot by the Brooklyn Museum to be precise. How I love the pink snow.

Blah

It just seems so wrong to feel so blah during days of such nice weather. So, since it's my blog, and because I can, I'm going to list out everything that is making me feel blah at the moment in no particular order.

* For no reason I bit at the skin around my nails a couple days ago like I haven't done for years and years since giving up nail biting generally. It was obviously a stupid thing to do. Now my fingers hurt. Particularly my thumb when I type. Blah.

* The continual drama of Mr.Aloof. That I'm not strong enough to break free. That I feel too attached. That I want what I can't have. That in the meantime I'm just having nothing, and not enjoying it at all. Blah.

*My unfortunate first date with A2 last night and the subsequent 'I don't think I see a relationship between us' email I had to write this morning. I know it's cliche but he was too eager. Made me want to run for the hills as quick as possible. But look, I'm not that stupid, I know my pattern is for emotionally unavailable men. I was willing to give it a try, going against my pattern. But lets look at the breakdown. Not that attractive. Well, okay, I don't think I'm overly attractive, so I acknowledge my clear hypocrisy, but he was not physically attractive. Thick Yorkshire accent which only reminds me of someone else I know who I don't think remarkably well of. Did I mention over-eager? Then, still willing to try to break outside my pattern, the next flaw? Bad kisser. On so many levels. Can't figure what to lead with in fact, just sticking your tongue in someone's mouth and not moving it, or holding up all your spit to kiss someone all sloppy and disgusting with. Yeah, not sure. And all the time he's saying how compatible we are and how he's going to make me his. Yick. So then not only a sort of yick evening, but having to send of a ding email this morning which always makes me feel bad. Blah.

* Friends with drama. From C flip-flopping about staying at work, to SP and her problems, to everyone else's. Can't someone have something good going on so I can be happy for them? Oh yeah. Flatmate D has something good going on for him. And I hate him for it. Nevermind. Blah.

* That I need to do dishes. Blah.

* That I need to generally clean my house. Blah.

* That I'm sitting at work doing nothing (I don't count playing Solitaire as anything, do you?) with the full knowledge that I have work due on Tuesday except (and this is a big except) this time it's not my own procrastination- the director in charge hasn't let me know what needs to happen and is 'in meetings' so later today I'll get the work which means I'll be frantically busy the rest of the day and Monday when here I am doing nothing now. Blah.

Fine. So I haven't had my period in close to two months and this is probably fucking PMS. Even if that's the case, it really doesn't stop me from feeling so goddamn blah. The only good thing I can think of right now is that it's Friday. And me and SP and tlsd are going out to a comedy club tomorrow which should be good fun. And I'm supposed to meet N and B out on Sunday which should be alright. No. Nevermind. Nothing is going to be alright. Ever again obviously. Blah.

Grosser Than Gross (2)

I saw this and all I could think of was the dead baby joke. Pretty fucking cool though. And the leg lady wasn't bad either. Found via boing boing.

Work Before Work

It's been a bit of a strange weekend. Yesterday there was shopping and eating and elephants and rain. Today there was more eating and shopping and dvd watching and work. Now, at almost eleven, I'm trying to get some work done that I should have been doing on Friday so that I can send it out to a consultant first thing in the morning. I'm really only going to have half of what I need done. Turns out, I didn't quite take home exactly the material I needed.

Tomorrow SA is supposed to bring back my drill and stepladder. Tuesday I'm supposed to meet Mr.Noshow for a drink. Thursday I'm having a first date with D. Some other night this week tlsd and I are supposed to go shopping and also possibly go to a movie. And all of this with lots of work going on as well. It's going to be a busy week. Can't wait until next weekend really.

Four Day Weeks Rock

Today I kept thinking of lots of things I should put in here, and of course now I've forgotten them all. This morning I went to visit a site, and what a day for it. I traveled to Woolwich, where I had never been before. I got to take the Silverlink all the way to the end, and then hopped on a free ferry across the Thames. I walked around for ages and decided to go back by walking the Woolwich foot tunnel under the Thames. It was so pleasant to wander about in the sun and look at the water. And of course I took a bunch of pictures of the site along the way as well. That was after all, what I was being paid to do... *laugh*

Next week I'm supposed to meet up with a prospective, D. We chatted on the phone last night which was alright. I mean, we chatted for an hour and a half, so I guess it was better than horrible. But I didn't feel anything about it either. What I want I can't have and so I'm not really in the best of moods to be looking for new things, even though once upon a time those I think I want now, were strangers to me like those I meet now are. I just hate going through the motions of meeting new people. I found people I liked. Why wasn't that good enough? For fucks sake. Dating is a huge pain in the ass.

Anyway, it's just a first date. It'll be fine.

Four day weeks are really the way to go. This week has been splendid. Of course the weather hasn't hurt in that respect either. I've been thinking about where I could take my bike to go cycling about away from traffic. There seemed to be a trail along the waterfront at Woolwich, though that seems a bit far to drag a bike. Maybe. Maybe not. It does seem like it would be fun though. So unusual for me to be interested in going outside. I should definitely take advantage of it while it lasts.

A New Week

Well, it was a nice and relaxing bank holiday weekend for the most part. Tlsd has already mentioned how we went to Thames Barrier Park. It is highly unusual for me to have any desire to wander about outside, particularly amongst green things. I much prefer the fumes and hard concrete of the working city. However, I wanted a small adventure and to go see something I'd not seen before, and so this park it was. And though it wasn't hot by any means, it was really a lovely day and a lovely park and yes, even a lovely hot chocolate, almost, but not quite as good as the one at the Corner down on Mare Street.

I bought some yarn and knitting needles over the weekend as well in preparation for tomorrow's stitch and bitch at work. I also used a portion of my weekend to teach myself how to knit by utilizing my friend the internet. I learned I had been doing it wrong and set about learning the right way. Can't say I really have it down yet, but I know the basic stitches now and am going to make a scarf in order to perfect them. Following patterns will have to come later.

The other big news of the day, is that I somehow managed to pass both my exams. I can't figure out how I feel about this. Happy, obviously, but also like a bit of a fraud. I did not deserve to pass both of those exams. No way. I made a mockery of studying, and I didn't really know what I was doing, and it's a joke that I've passed when other people fail (and sometimes more than once). Of course, it doesn't matter how it makes me feel, it's the course I'm set upon, and because I'm blessed or cursed with being smart, I passed. So that's what's important. And deep down, in a very guilty sort of place, I am very pleased about it.

Anyway. I know I've not been writing too much lately. But I haven't had too much to say. Lots of the same old same old. Welcome to my boring life.