This week has been difficult because after our night with M, I really just wanted to talk to him. To touch base and get some sort of reassurance about the stability of 'us'. One of those dangers with a threesome. The thing is, it didn't bother me at the time, it didn't even bother me the day after. It only started to bother me as the days passed and he fastidiously ignored me. That was when the doubt started to creep in and take hold. And my need of him has coincided with yet another difficult time in his life when he just wants to tune out and drop off the face of the planet. Which I've dealt with every other time, but this time it's crap.
So Friday I just told him I was coming down to see him and he emailed me back saying he didn't want me to come. Why is it that I want to see him, he doesn't want to see me, and he gets his way? How come he isn't the one acquiescing and seeing me, even if he doesn't want to? Why am I expected to be patient, to give him time, to suck it up? Maybe I'm tired of that. Maybe I want things my way for once.
Anyway, this is just one point of many. He wrote to me saying he was debating the continuation of the scenario side of his life, of his dominant manifestation. He said, "I guess life is learning of things, exploring them, and tiring of them. Then finding something else. I think soon, I want something else." Now tell me how the fuck I'm not supposed to take that personally? How does that not read that he is tiring of me? But he doesn't have the stones to just come out and say that he's tired of me. Tlsd doesn't think he's tired of me. She says that I'm reading into it. But that's all I can see.
And in the meantime I wait. And stew. And hurt. And resolve that it's over. That he's done with me. That I need to start the healing process now, before it's finalized so as not to prolong this horrible state. Of course, if it's not abundantly clear to you reader, I don't want it to be over now. I don't know what I wanted from him in the long run, but I don't feel that we've explored all that we could. But it seems to me he feels that way perhaps. Whatever. It obviously has nothing at all to do with what I want. That's one thing that's blatantly obvious.
What an unpleasant way to start the new year.
4 comments:
Maybe he's found something else with you... maybe he's thinking that soon he'll be looking for stability in a relationship... your relationship?
Maybe he's tired of not being able to just be himself. To have to compartmentalise your life into distinct boxes, where you are the only connecting link has to be tiring. To always be stretched and pulled, torn between the different elements, never feeling as though you have enough of you to give... has to be difficult.
Give him some space. Remember this is his issue about his problems. You are not the cause of this unrest, you are simply effected by it.
It is no reflection on you. Nothing you could have done could have prevented the situation. He warned you at the start that he had issues and wouldn't be able to give you the time you deserved.
Maybe he's scared of the way the relationship is going. Maybe he's not ready to grow up afer all. Maybe he likes to see himself as a nomad, not fixed to anything or anyone... and now he has the guilt of letting his daughter down because of his inability to commit or to be responsible.
You don't even know what you want from him. You said yourself that you didn't see him as being the one.
Even if it is the end, you had fun, you learned alot, you feel better about who you are. Things don't stay the same for ever, be pleased that you had the time you had. Don't punish yourself for falling for him though... try and think about how you can go find someone who is more reliable, more worthy of your time.
For-goodness-sake you have other offers on the table...
*hugs*
I really don't understand where your endless supply of optimism comes from (for other people at least).
I don't really have other offers on the table, and anyway, it seems crass to jump from one thing to another.
I'm not ready for it to be over, and I don't want it to be.
Anyway, maybe I'm like SA and I'm lazy and I'd prefer things to stay the same way forever. See reference, job. :(
-K
Chaneg is God, but seldom a really nice one. All I have are the same tired cliches about time wounding all heals and what doesn't kill you feels pretty good. So hang in there.
Ky-
Thanks. Updates to follow. Obviously.
-K
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