Counting Down

You'll never see the courage I know
Its colors' richness won't appear within your view
I'll never glow the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you

Like watching sand pass through an hourglass. Inevitable. Expected. Waiting for that slipping and suction that quickens the pace and drags the grains down, falling through the hole, only to wait for it to happen all over again. Some things good and some things not so good. What to start with....

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention, to you

Days: ?
Lets start with one of the not so good. Has it already been four goddamn weeks? I guess it has. Welcome back to batshit crazy land. Where all the girls are gnashing their teeth and ready to bite your arm off if you give them half a reason to look at you sideways. To be fair, I'm not there yet, but it's like watching fireworks setting off across the office. First TM was a bit moody on Monday. Then CS had a viscous streak yesterday at lunch. Today tlsd is in a mood. Oh, my turn is coming... I can feel it starting to slip in around the edges, ooze through the cracks.

You'll say you understand
But you don't understand
You'll say you'll never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

Days: 2
I'll counter that with a good one. SH is coming! How exciting. Over a year now since I've seen her. And I'm looking forward to it. That is, if she can relax. If she can just be herself. If she can shed what seven years of being a lawyer and a somewhat unhappy person can do to a soul. I guess that's my job though, to remind her of the fantastic person that I know is lurking underneath all of that. Remind her what it's like to have fun. Do-able I think. Thank goodness for alcohol!

You'll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You'll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown to you

Days: 4
Which inevitably leads to another good thing. Soon, SH and I take off for slightly warmer Portugal. Which I am also very much looking forward to. Except for the flights that is, trying not to think about that part. Just focus on having a real vacation. Someplace I've never been before. I need to do some laundry.

You'll say "don't fear your dreams"
It's easier than it seems
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

Days: 2
But before all that, there is the small matter of the review. With two of the directors at my office. Where I show that I can play ball with the big boys. Where I make veiled threats about finding someplace else to work. Where I put it on the line and look for an answer. And then when I've made my stand, I run away to Portugal for a week where I can fall apart in private.

You'll never live this life that I live
I'll never life the life that wakes me in the night
You'll never hear the message I give
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

Days: ??????
And last but not least, the horrible sinking rushing feeling about how things are going with Mr.Aloof. This is where my batshit crazy is making itself most apparent. I would write him off completely except, and please, no words of scolding lest I turn my evil eye towards you, he has some of my things. And not things that I am at all willing to part with. Not things that he is allowed to keep. And so I cannot let him go, and he will not answer me. I feel as though I am being held hostage, and this I cannot stand. If he wants to end things, if he wants to go, then I will let him, but not with my things. I have to have them back. And so I am bound- more neatly and securely than any rope or cage he has used on me before. And I am boiling.

But as the scenery grows I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch I see form greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention, to you

I don't want to be upset about Mr.Aloof. And in some ways I'm not. I'm just tired. And annoyed that I let myself get trapped this way. But he's not evil, and it will be dealt with, eventually. Trust me, I would give almost anything for a pornalong post about now. In the meantime, there is SH, and there is Portugal, and there is at least somewhat interesting twists and turns at work. There is life, and life is for living. Even during batshit crazy week. And it's coming... oh yes, it's coming...

You'll say you understand
You'll never understand
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why
I don't know what to believe in
You don't know who I am
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie