And I'm trying not to think about work too much because it just makes me too angry. I find I'm just getting downright moody at work, which isn't really going to help my case as things progress.
But back to the concept of power exchange which is really on my mind. I know that I say that my pornalong posts are naughty, and they are really, as each of my described evenings has been consistently punctuated by regular and continuous sexual content. But is power exchange necessarily sexual?
It's true that it provides a euphoric kick, and that I choose to use that generated energy in a sexual fashion, but it's not a requirement. Power exchange to me is similar to playing a board game or a video game or cooking a challenging meal. It's an activity that I enjoy. That it currently leads to sex or sexual situations is certainly a bonus, because sex is a hell of a lot of fun too. But power exchange can be separate from sex.
What has brought this all to mind is in particular the part of my past evening that involved the bowl of water and bowl of chilli. I was almost reluctant to write about it, because I knew that in it's description most people I know would wrinkle their noses and say, "I would not do that." with the implied suggestion that they didn't understand why the hell I would do it either.
And it's a difficult question to answer. It is certainly not as if while it was happening I was jumping up and down in my head thinking "Goody, goody.". It's also not like I was dripping wet thinking "Oh yeah, this makes me want you to fuck me." In fact I felt self-conscious, embarrassed, and reluctant. But in addition to those feelings, there was the delicious feeling of the power exchange. The knowledge that even if it was not something I wanted, it was something he wanted. And that I could choose to give to him what he wanted of me, which in all honesty was not going to hurt me in any way except perhaps in my pride, or I could have denied him and he would have taken it from me anyway, or punished me by putting me aside for a time until I was ready to comply.
To choose to submit to someone is a rather powerful position in itself. As described, I certainly pushed some limits and was not completely submissive or compliant, but then in a way that made it all the more powerful both to me, and I imagine to him, when I actively chose to submit. And I do have as much of a compulsion within me to 'give' to my partner at least as much if not more than I have the compulsion to fight that impulse and force them to take it from me. Either way I know I will submit eventually. And the rush that I get from that, the sort of release of responsibility, of worry, of control- is fantastic. And it's not necessarily sexual, though the addition of sexual energy into that mix is simply unspeakable.
Of course in saying all this, I should also point out that at any point during my interactions with Mr.Aloof there is always an available safety measure which would stop our interactions immediately if I were to ever truly feel that he was pushing me beyond something I felt I could do or wanted to do.
Without belittling those who I know take such activities far more seriously, it's like the best game ever. Full of intense emotion, highs and lows. Like an amusement park ride. It's thrilling and exhilarating and...I love it. Maybe not all of the individual details. Sometimes they confuse me and weird me out just as much as anyone else. But it works somehow. Power exchange. It's a trip.
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