18 October 2005

Indignities

I ended up staying later at work yesterday than I had wanted to. Knowing I was to go meet Mr.Aloof, I had wanted to be leaving as soon as possible to make the hour-long journey south. But I was still at the office at half past six, and needed to go home yet, shower, pack a bag, then turn around and head back.

I managed to get to his at twenty to nine.

I banged on the door but he didn't come down so I ended up texting him to come and let me in. Eventually he came down and opened the door. We went to the kitchen and chatted for a bit. He put the kettle on like a good British person and asked if I wanted some tea.

"No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know!", I said coming behind him and hugging him and resting my head between his shoulder blades.

"Oh fuck," he said, "you're complex." resting his arms over mine.

So we ended up just chatting on the sofa in the kitchen, I didn't have tea. Then, after a bit he grabbed my hand and pulled me up and to the elevator. Though we stood close, there was minimal touching and every time I leaned up to kiss him he pulled back slightly. The doors opened and he pulled me out to the vestibule by the toilets then turned and left. There were no clothes to change into, so I made use of the toilet and then waited for a bit. He didn't appear to be coming back so I started poking around but the door to the main floor was locked. So I went back to the stairwell and listened. There was strange noise coming from the top floor, so I decided to go up. The loft was candle lit but Mr.Aloof was not in it. I kept thinking he was hiding and was going to scare me, but he truly wasn't there. The noise ended up coming from a dvd that was playing on a small portable player by the bed. It was a Japanese shibari dvd. I settled onto the floor/edge of the bed to watch it, seeing as how the sofa was too far away to look at the little screen.

Mr.Aloof returned, changed, and while I noted him, I decided to ignore him, instead, continuing to watch the dvd, which was, pretty interesting really. He paced about, walked over to me, stroked my hair for a bit, then left again. After some minutes he returned, still pacing, and I still ignored him, of course doing so was putting me in some jeopardy so I was also being fairly alert. He again came close to me, and then walked away, picking up a bundle of items that had been on the far sofa, he threw them at me as he left again. It was my green leather and the yukata.

Figuring I'd pushed the line a bit already I set about getting changed while still watching the dvd. I had fastened the ankle cuffs when he returned and sat on the chair by the couch. I still didn't look at him, though I was aware of him in the corner of my eye. I fastened the wrist cuffs and then I pulled my hair back, knotting it into a temporary bun so I could fasten the collar, which was again being a bit pushy since I said just a couple days before I couldn't do it on my own. When I was finished, he walked over, grabbed one of the metal rings set into the collar and pulled me up.

Pulling one of my hands behind me, he threaded rope around one of the cuff rings, then, pulling my other arm behind me, attached it as well. With my hands bound behind me, he walked around to face me.

"What are you doing here K?", he asked.

"I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by." Dig, dig, dig the hole.

"I told you I was working and I didn't want to be disturbed.", he said after a pause.

"Don't care." I said. I probably would have liked to say something longer, but that was all I could manage. It's hard to dig holes sometimes.

"Well I care", he said, "and I have things to do, and you need to learn to do as your told. Why did you ignore the clothes left for you? Did you not see them? Too entranced by the video? Or were you ignoring them? It doesn't matter, you have not done what was expected of you, and you need to learn." While saying this he walked behind me again, taking the length of rope, passing it over my shoulder and then through one of the rings in the collar. Without saying much more he pulled me forward, towards the elevator. We went down to the ground floor and he brought me to the cage. It was in the same place as last time, though a bit darker, as it was only lit by three candles this time.

I pulled back a bit, I wasn't sure how long I'd be put there for. He pulled me forward more roughly and then grabbing me by the shoulders positioned me at the door, with him standing behind me. "Kneel.", he said.

It was hard with my hands behind me but I managed to get in and he firmly closed the door behind me. There had been no nudity, no touching, no kissing, no caresses and here I was locked in the cage for an indeterminate amount of time. "I'll be back when I've finished some things and you can think about learning to do what you're told.", he said, and with that, he walked off. Almost immediately I started picking at the rope linking my cuffs behind me. I managed to get them partially undone but then hit some rather tight knots. I knew I could have kept picking them until they were apart, but I had given myself enough slack and I thought perhaps I shouldn't. Using my feet, I tugged in the blanket that was next to the cage as last time, there was a chill in the air. I settled into a corner and zoned out while waiting.

I had no idea how much time had passed when he reappeared. He crouched at the side of the cage I was resting on and reached in. He pushed my knees apart and ran his hand along the inside of my thigh. Using his arm for leverage, I couldn't move. While touching me in the most intimate of fashions he proceeded to say an array of things. To be fair, I remember it all in bits and pieces, there were however, other things occupying my attentions. I do remember him asking if I was thirsty, but I chose to ignore it as will become later clear. But then as suddenly as he appeared and got me bothered, he abruptly stopped, stood up, blew out one of the three candles burning and left.

I squirmed around in the cage. Suddenly my arms behind me seemed far more frustrating than they had before he arrived. I changed my position around so I could rest my forehead on one of the bars to the cage. It was my equivalent of trying to give myself a cold shower. I passed the time by playing with the length of rope attached to my cuffs. I knotted it up like macrame behind me, and waited. Eventually he returned again.

"I am going to let you out of this cage," he began, "but you may very well find yourself back in it. There will be signs presented to you and you will either comply and follow them, or, should you miss them, or choose to ignore them, you will end up back here, possibly for the night. Do you understand?"

I was ready to get out of the cage. I nodded. He released the door and opened it and stood back, making no move to help me out. With my hands behind me it wasn't quite so simple but I managed. He went to grab the length of rope and found my macrame which I knew startled him. "Interesting." he said, "Follow me.". He walked me back towards the lobby. All the lights were off. By the door to the kitchen we stopped on carpeted floor. "Kneel.", he said simply, and so I did.

He went into the kitchen and I heard liquid being poured. I knew, from previous conversations, what was likely to come and I wasn't necessarily looking forward to it. He appeared with a bowl. He moved a small cardboard box in front of me that I'd not noticed in the dark and placed the bowl in front of me on top of it. "Remember, the cage is just around the corner."

It was very hard to see in the dim light, I'm sure on purpose. But since it was a white bowl and I could see into it, I knew it was water. And I was thirsty. I approached the bowl cautiously, trying to determine the best way to drink. I suppose I could have tried tipping it from the edge, but I feared that could also have disastrous consequences. I tried lapping but it didn't work well, so I ended up almost kissing the water with just the tip of my nose and chin also in it, and sipping it into my mouth. I tried very hard not to think too much about what I was doing. I was after all, thirsty.

When the water was basically gone I sat back on my heels. Mr.Aloof picked up the bowl and looked at it to see that I had finished. He had been watching me the entire time, but I kept myself from looking at him. He got up, took the bowl in to the kitchen, came back out, moved the box and stood directly in front of me. Then ever so slowly, began to undo his buckle.

Me and oral sex have a long and unsatisfactory history. It is in fact, something I have a hang-up about. It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that I completely freak out that I'm doing something wrong. And so paralytic fear and a not so steady stream of boyfriends has kept me relatively free of having to deal with it much in life. In our time together so far, this had only come up once, and it was handled alright, and so I was about to experience the second. Which was also, handled alright.

He pulled away from me, tucking himself back into his pants and doing his buckle and disappeared into the kitchen where I heard more noises. My ordeal was clearly not yet over. He returned with the bowl again, positioned the box back in front of me, and set the bowl down. In the dim light I swear it looked like dog food in the bowl. Which I'm sure he picked on purpose. I was also sure, he would not feed me dog food. I leaned in towards the bowl and sniffed. Seemed like chilli. Chilli is not my most favorite food, but it didn't seem a good time to bring it up. And I'd also not eaten dinner and my stomach had been grumbling, but still... it was chilli in a bowl and I was on my knees with my hands behind my back. I darted out my tongue to taste it. Definitely chilli. I kept this up for a while, as there didn't seem a good way to scoop it and I did not want to stick my nose and chin in chilli. By licking around the edge I finally managed to get a piece of meat up and out without any mess at all. I chewed it slowly, aware that Mr.Aloof sat watching me intently.

My progress was slow. Mr.Aloof switched from sitting and watching to standing over me and watching. I was about halfway through the bowl and had gotten a small spot of chilli on my chin. I wasn't sure I had the stamina to continue, but I also knew I was likely running his patience down. I was getting slower. I looked down into the bowl and then I craned my neck to look up at him. Another half-hearted attempt and I repeated the look. He crouched down and examined the bowl. Then, slowly and deliberately he put his hand right into what was left, scooping some up with his fingers and brought it to my mouth, getting it on my nose, chin, and cheeks.. So much for avoiding a mess. He wasn't brutal but he was effective. When I had eaten what was there, he took another scoop and the exercise was repeated. It took three scoops of his hand for the bowl to be emptied. He took it all into the kitchen and washed his hands. Holding a washcloth in his hand, but making no move to clean my face, he told me to stand.

We moved back to the elevator and when the doors opened I refused to look at the mirrored wall, turning my head away. I could feel chilli on my face and I burned with a sort of humiliation. Mr.Aloof had his back to me and I strongly toyed with the idea of wiping my face on his shirt but thought that probably wouldn't go over very well and so I gritted my teeth and endured it. We came out at the loft level and I followed him in. In all this time I had the yukata firmly tied around me, now, standing before him, he untied my hands, and then removed it. There was a chair on the far wall draped in fabric and he pushed me to sitting. Taking my arms over the back, he tied them to the chair. Then, pulling my legs to the outside edge of the chair, he tied my ankles to the chair. I was now firmly attached and I still had chilli on my face. I think there may have been some touching and adjusting, but finally, he wiped my face.

Though I was still attached, exposed, to the chair. What followed was a long period of him toying with me. Leaving me while he did other things in the loft, that I could see him but he ignored me. Or coming over to give me his full attention with his hands or his whip. Again he would say things as he touched me. It's all a bit of a blur. I do remember him saying something about eating all what is offered to and prepared for me in the future or I will like the consequence even less. I do think I stayed attached to the chair for a long while. I had a bit gag on for a while. And while attached to the chair, I managed to make it through oral experience number three with no problems. Eventually though he let me out of the chair and brought me to the bed. My legs were weak after what I had endured and when I got to the other side of the room I collapsed on the bed. But he was not finished, not even close.

He continued his attentions for a while. And then eventually stripped down and lay back on the mattress. In all this time we had barely kissed. What I like about the moment he relaxes in bed is that I can touch him however I want and of course what I hate about the moment he relaxes in bed is that I can touch him however I want and I worry about what he expects. I saw that he was not hard, though he was rather idly touching himself. I began where I felt safe, kissing him. Staying above nipple level, I glanced down to see that he was no longer soft at all and decided to be brave and kept traveling on down to initiate oral experience number four all on my own.

Some time passed and then he pulled me off and rolled over to reach for a condom.

I always forget how much I like sex. Hard sex. Controlling sex. Dominant sex. And I do like it. A lot.

I really can't believe that's two times in less than seven days. Not that I'm in any way complaining.

Of course, based on some of the things whispered to me in the quiet moments of the evening... I shiver to think of the indignities ahead.

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