31

Today, I am 31. This means I am cleanly in my 30's now, there is no going back. The thing is, I don't feel like I'm that old. I suppose, to me now, it doesn't seem old, but to me ten years ago it seemed full of mystery and adult-hood. I do not see myself as any more of an 'adult' than I did five years ago. I don't get the impression people think that I'm as old as I am, I don't think I look as old as I am, and yet, it is my age.

When you are younger, you have ideas about 'what you will do by the time you are'. I think my first boyfriend and I had a marriage pact for 30. Funny, I haven't heard from him this past year. Or the previous seven years for that matter. Most of my female friends are not married. A couple are, but most aren't. It can be a bit of a catch, married people do tend to hang around with other couples and married people- so maybe it's not so strange that my friends are not coupled up. On the other hand, some of my friends I met while they were coupled up, and some of my friends have had and lost their long standing relationships during the time of our friendship and it could have gone either way.

Before I left the states there seemed to be all this media frenzy about women letting themselves get 'too old' before starting families. It was on every channel, every talk show- as if the powers that be were trying to push women back to the home or something. But it does make you wonder sometimes. Will I ever settle down? Have a child? (Of course, this does not include the SHOULD I have a child question more clearly illustrated here and here). I think I want those things, but sometimes I'm not sure. I only want those things if they enhance my life. I refuse to settle for something less than what I want because it's somehow the dictate of society that it's something I ought to be doing.

So maybe I won't get married, or ever have a child. Would that be the worst thing? In the meantime I am living my life. I mean, there is always the constant nag of the 'grass is always greener', but the truth is, I am in the midst of having a pretty fulfilling life. Doing things that could be classified as exciting.

I usually use my birthday as a time of reflection for the past year and for future years. And I try to have a fair outlook as opposed to my usual pessimistic or snarky one.

This past year has been pretty good. I have made huge personal progress in regards to relationships or comfort with myself. Professionally things are good- and I have started taking my exams which while won't be finished this year, but is a really good push forwards. I'm a homeowner which is pretty cool, and I live in a foreign country which I still find lots of fun and exciting on a regular basis.

And this next year? I want to keep making progress on personal issues and relationships. It would be great to actually see someone for a while, and I think given the current state of things that's both possible and likely. I'd like to keep moving forwards professionally, even if I don't always find it comfortable or lack motivation, I should keep it up. I want to take more advantage of the city I live in, and the other countries and places close by. Basically, I want to just keep doing mostly what I'm doing and if I can manage that, then it will be a pretty good year.

Happy Birthday to me.