Before you ask, I'll just get out of the way that S is a lawyer (sorry Jen). A turgent profession. Especially in the states. Her undergraduate degree was in French literature. S is frighteningly intelligent. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do, and seeing as how there were some lawyers in the family and she 'didn't have any plans' she applied for and got into law school. The day she was supposed to go, she realized she didn't want to. She thought about deferring for a year. Her parents sat her down and told her unless she knew what she wanted to do with her life, she was getting in the car and going to school. I should point out here that S's parents weren't -paying- for law school, a terribly expensive commitment. But anyway, off she went.
From there on it's been a series of misfortune, bad decisions, and cumulative misery. And I guess a large part of this is S's personality as much as anything else. She's so caught up in prestige and merit. She hates what she does but refuses to consider any job where she would take a paycut. She's hampered by a large portion of her $100k in student loans yet to be repayed and yet bought an apartment because 'that's what everyone is doing' and so is additionally penned in by a mortgage. She gets snotty about having a 'doctorate' degree and so will not take a job that's 'beneath' her and yet in the same breath recognizes she has no skills in anything else in particular.
And so years trickle on. S tells me she goes home and cries to herself all night. I meet someone passing through London who S had recently met and it was abundantly clear to me the reason he dropped her like a hot potato is because she came across as miserable and hating her job and unhappy. And she wonders why she's not meeting anyone.
What is a friend supposed to do? When not miserable, which seems to be less and less and less as the years pass, S is an exuberant, witty, fantastic girl. When she's 'on' she is the life of the party, a force to be reckoned with. But her misery is just as palpable. It pushes everyone and everything else away and is an ugly self fulfilling prophecy. I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until her head snaps. Money and prestige aren't worth jack shit if you are that fucking miserable all the fucking goddamn time!
*sigh*
2 comments:
I sometimes wonder why I am so desperate to become a lawyer. Not just any lawyer. Not a suburban lawyer dealing with minor family problems and mortgages. An overtly intelligent one in a flash firm. Minimum salary of $100K to compensate for the 18hour days.
But I'm more desperate to get there now, not "later" when "my chance will come" as many people without thought just obligatorily fling my way. I don't have forever. I want to be there young, have it all, and throw it away by choice for life/family. By which stage, (if all goes to plan) a solicitor career in government, perhaps the Department of Foreign Affairs or the Department of Public Prosecutions, beckons. That's where the money is when you consider their flexibility and the cut in daily hours needing to be worked. And no more blooming timesheets.
I can see where she is though. I would never throw away a lucrative career for something less.
I think if a person is willing to accept the long hours and horrible people going into it, then okay. Unfortunately for S, she can't mitigate the experience of being a lawyer with the outcomes. Trust me, the condo, the salary, and all the stuff she says make her happy are not producing enough happiness to make any difference whatsoever in the neverending misery. Obviously there are plenty of lawyers who are fine with all of it. Another of my oldest friends is a lawyer and she copes okay. But if you ever find yourself crying every night, hating your job daily, and losing all friends and sanity because of your profession (especially if this condition persists for over one year), don't get hung up on the material posessions. It really isn't everything.
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