Responsibility

I have been slightly stressed of late. This is because I am working on a project on my own. This is the result of my review along with the more recent salary review conversation with I.

Last week we were having our 'team meeting' where we distribute work amongst the four of us. Or rather, T tries to hold onto all the work and tell me, C, and H what we will be doing for him. So we were having this meeting and T allocated H two new projects, both of which would take place over the next two weeks.

"Hold on," I said at the end of all of the whirlwind, "that's really not fair you know."

See, I was showing some initiative.

I went on to argue that since I had no pressing work it wasn't right to give H two new projects and me none. T hemmed and hawed for a bit and said that if the second project was starting now, then I could have the first, but if it was not to start for a few weeks then H would have the first because he needed something to do. We all agreed that seemed reasonable and T went off to find out more about the timescales.

A couple hours later he came over to my desk, "You'll be doing the BR site."

Victory!

So here is the thing. I have my own little project. Just a feasibility study that I am doing the UD component for S (the architect on the project) and G (the director in charge of the project). It will be over in a week. But it's mine and I really don't want to fuck it up. Yesterday I was flipping out that I had fucked it up after the initial take on my numbers showed my scheme to be impossible. This was after the development of the first measurements on a design sketch had all seemed feasible. So I was panicking slightly that really I was crap and that I should not have been given responsibility because clearly I couldn't do my job.

Of course by the end of the day I had two workable schemes and S said he was very pleased with what we had and gave me the next phase for today. So that was good. I'm not entirely crap after all. Of course this morning I'm stressing about the new scheme, and making it work as well. Though with yesterdays accomplishments I feel I'm in a better position to do so. I also need to start throwing together the report with all of the information- but that I've done on other projects before so it should be alright.

I know that I'm just not a person who relishes responsibility. I know that I should be moving up, that I'm capable and that it's the way of things. But I live in fear of honestly fucking up something so that it's a real problem. I live in fear of failure. I prefer to play things safe and easy. Because I'm a lazy motherfucker? Or because I just have issues? I vote for issues personally, they're a lot more fun.

Anyway, I'm sure I will complete my project on time and correctly. Of course that only means that I'm going to be given something else to be responsible for. Fuck!