Goals

I had a good conversation with my friend S this afternoon.

I enjoy when S is not depressed about her job, or her boyfriend, or how everything in the world is stacked against her. When she finds a moment of normality, then I remember with vivid clarity why she is one of my best friends.

We dished about the highs and lows and current conditions of each others life. Eventually I got onto the topic of my life apathy. I pointed out to S that I have actually achieved many of the goals that I had set before me, and that I am generally feeling a lack of direction or focus, and that perhaps this worries me.

S pointed out that I had finally reached what real adulthood is all about. And in a way, she is right. When I first graduated from college, I didn't know what I was going to do and worked for a year in New Orleans. This year was many things, but what I knew from the start going into it, was that it would be exactly that, one year.

When New Orleans finished, I wasn't sure what I was going to do and ended up in Baltimore. I stayed there for three years, but I knew the entire time that I was there, that I was going to have to return to school to get my professional degree. After working for three years, it was time and I moved to St. Louis.

St. Louis was a place that I would never choose to live without a reason, and graduate school provided that reason. Another three years, and two masters degrees later, I was done with St. Louis and ready to move on.

And so I came to London. It had been a long-time fantasy of mine to live in another country. Upon graduating I had hoped to transition out of architecture into urban design. I also had a fantasy of being adult enough to own my own home. In London all of these things have come to be.

In fact, the only thing that I have left as a real 'goal' aside from the 'list of things I'd like to do before I die' is to finish my licensing exams for which I am (not doing a very good job of) studying for now. It will take three years for me to finish these exams, that if I lived in the States I would be done with by now. But I suppose the point is, although it is a goal for me to finish them, my living situation is not hinged on it either.

I can live anywhere I want, work at anything I want, do anything I want.

And I have no idea what I want.

I'm generally pretty happy where I am right now. I like what I do, I like where I live, I earn enough to be reasonably comfortable. It seems..... decadent.

I've always had goals or things I knew I would have to do up ahead. I have never lived any of my adult life in one place for more than four years, one year, three years, three years. I could stay here forever if I wanted to. Or I could move on. It's all up to me now.

Some people are driven by a desire for a family. I know I've touched on this before. I have always envisioned myself as having a family, but it's still not such a strong desire that I see it as a goal. Either it will happen, or it won't. In either case, it's not an issue now, so it also has no impact on my current decision making.

When you run out of 'needs to' and 'should be' then all you have left is your entire life stretched before you, that you can do with whatever you like.

I don't know. I'm finding it a bit strange.

(Ooooh intellectual poetry reference image alert!)