Imbalance and Responsibility

Interactions with others in our lives can be equal or it can be imbalanced. Neither is inherently wrong, each has a time and a place. For example, a parental relationship or a teacher-student relationship is by it's very nature imbalanced, but it's the imbalance itself that is the purpose of the interaction, so it's okay.

Friendships and interpersonal relationships can be imbalanced, but that's probably not quite as good. The danger being that when one person wants more from or feels more for the other party, it can lead to distress and other problems. Move that into the field of relationships and it becomes even worse.

One of the fundamental problems with my relationship with Mr.Aloof is that I clearly felt more for him than he felt for me. Not that he sat down and said this to me. Instead he would hint that he might sort of kind of want similar things because that was easier than telling me he didn't. And in the meantime, I waited for him. I sat around hoping that I could prove to him just how great I was and that his sort of maybe kind of's would suddenly turn into yes of courses. It would have hurt me terribly had he sat me down and said it was never ever to be, but I would have dealt with that pain and moved on. Instead, three years of my life was wasted hoping for something that never had a chance in hell (and even now, I find that so very hard to accept- which goes to show just how powerful this problem can be).

So what happens when I find myself on the other end of the equation? What happens when someone has an interest in me that I know that I will never reciprocate? Now I am not Mr.Aloof and I have not been cagey about my feelings or intentions. In fact, I have spelled it out clearly and plainly. But I am concerned that the message is not clear. And I therefor consider, that it is my responsibility, that it is my obligation, to do something about it. Except, having said the words, what else can I do? I don't see this person terribly regularly, and we don't even talk that regularly- all of which I would have thought lent itself to supporting my message. But a recent interaction led me to consider that the message is not clear, and that I do not want to ever feel that I am responsible for making anyone possibly feel the way that I felt when involved with Mr.Aloof.

It was unproductive for me, and would not be productive for them. Which is what made me consider this whole blogging thing. See, this same person reads my blog because they were clever and were the only person who has ever 'found' it. Of course, having told me how they found it, I fixed the slip that made that mistake possible, so no one should be able to find it in the same way again. Regardless, it doesn't bother me that this person reads my blog, but it occurred to me, that it possibly creates a false sense of intimacy since what I write here is, frankly, so intimate. This one sided 'interaction' could allow someone to create a depth of attachment that otherwise wouldn't exist. This explains to me why, even though our person to person interaction is not very frequent, these feelings might persist. And this concerns me.

Unrequited affection is not pleasant. It's not nice. It's no fun. And I know, from my own hard experiences, just how difficult it is to move past it. If Mr.Aloof had a blog, I know that I would read it every day, and I know that if I could, it would be that much harder for me to get him out of my thoughts and desires.

So what do I do? I know that people are responsible for their own actions, but it's not that this person isn't pleasant as a friend, it's just only ever going to be just that- a friend. And it causes me some stress to think that they are in any way holding out or hoping for things to change. Because it makes me feel like I need to then do something about it. Having been on the other end of things, I believe it is one of the most hideous things you can do as a person- to lead another person on or to give them false hope. It doesn't make me feel good that someone I don't return feelings for may have feelings for me. It cuts too close to what I've just been through.

I guess it's just that I feel that the person who has the lesser feelings therefor has the responsibility to correct the situation since they are obviously less affected. Because I wish more than anything that the same consideration had been shown to me.

Now saying all this, and knowing that it will be read by the person in question who will obviously know that it's them, I feel slightly guilty. But it really has vexed me. Maybe you'll say that you don't have these feelings or hopes, but then I guess what I have to say is that your actions and words conveyed otherwise. And it concerned me. And it reminded me in some ways of myself. And that concerned me even more. There are other situations on my mind that contribute to this current thinking as well. About what ones obligations are in the stated circumstance. It seems to be a recurrent topic of late. And a horrible one at that.