Heal Thyself

It is always so much easier to see issues in other people's lives. It is easy to discern what they should or shouldn't do, without the weight of emotional baggage or sense of risk, or loss that the individual feels. Or, as the case may be, we ourselves feel in our own life woes.

I have been making small progress on the Mr.Aloof front in the sense that I am trying to think about it less, and put it in perspective and stop building him up to be something that he wasn't (and isn't). But it's hard. And it doesn't happen overnight. It takes me a long time to get over something like that- past experience says about 6 to 9 months before I don't think about it that much or 'care' anymore.

It hasn't even been two months yet. I should cut myself a little bit of slack. Better than that, I should be proud that I am, in fact, letting go of things. My thoughts aren't as frequent, I haven't shed tears for some time. But just as I was luring myself into a false sense of security, I revealed my Achilles heel and find I need to strengthen the reinforcements.

Earlier I was saying how I was going to stop checking profiles so frequently (his, the maid's, etc). I'm not up to once a week yet, but I was doing well at once every two to three days. And in the time that I wasn't checking, I was recognizing that it didn't matter to me, that I was better off not knowing, and that I felt better about it in general. This was all good.

This morning however, I checked. And there was a change. An ever so minor change, but significant, to me, and therefor, damaging. Basically, Mr.Aloof, who I have already noted has gone back to using his original profile (the joint one which was hidden from me under L's stats has gone blank and dead this past month), his profile has always been blank. Once, a year and a half ago, it was not blank, it had a network. That was a bad episode (which is only one of the many incidents that proves this recent decision was the best thing I could have done). But it was removed eventually, and the profile has since been blank (though I can see when he logs in by checking on it- this was what I was going to cut back on). Anyway. This morning it had a new title, which means it's listed (a change) and a profile that was all of one sentence (a change) which it's never had before. The former said, "I have finally found my true self...." and the later said, "After two years of my own journey I feel it is time to say something here.".

It's nothing right? So why then did my heart race, mild panic set in, and my hand would not stop trembling? In fact my entire body trembled slightly as though any breeze could knock me over. And I realized two things. First, that I am not anywhere close to being free of the power over me I gave to this person. Which is disheartening in some respects, but since we have no contact (other that my snooping) it is in my power to control how much I allow it to affect me (though I suppose he could always send me an email out of no where, but I don't see that happening- at least not any time soon). And second, that it's true what I mused on before, contact with someone you have feelings for, even if that contact is barely on the register of what someone would call 'contact' is the worst thing you can have when trying to change your feelings. If he starts posting? If suddenly there is more... information for me to read, to be in touch with, or to absorb? I am going to have a problem. Because I fear that I will never be free.

So I need to increase my ability to 'stop checking'. Every time I see how it affects me, I can use that to my advantage, to show me how unhealthy, how one sided, and how destructive this relationship has been for me. Still, I have to suffer in that moment, of wondering what it means, wondering if he thinks of me, wondering what's going on with him, of having him in the focus of my thoughts and knowing in my heart that I am not in his. And it hurts and it's painful and I don't really want to accept it but I must.

At any rate, it's only been two months. If I still feel like this in four, I'll be worried. Really, I think this is normal for me at this stage. So while I'm not concerned, I am wary. I am not healed yet, even though I am arguably making good progress. Whatever he says, whatever he thinks, he hasn't changed because he hasn't invested in changing. And he was bad to me. That's all I need to know.