Okay, what the fuck. Seriously what the fuck fuck fuck?? I know I made a mistake this morning. All day I've been in a fucking funk because I let this thing get to me. Because I felt myself slipping and missing and hurting and being sad. Still, was that not enough?
I mean, someone explain to me, why today, I checked his profile when I didn't have to, when I shouldn't have. That it affected me, when I didn't want it to, when I wasn't prepared. That all day I've been dealing with that. So why then, why why why is today the day he decides to send me an email?
What I did was tremendous and huge and it took everything out of me while utterly breaking me in the process. Did I say that I thought I was making progress? That I thought things were improving? God help me but I am not strong enough to not send something back. I've already drafted it but I've had the sense to keep myself from sending it straight away.
Still, I know that I will send it by the end of the weekend. Why do I have to keep being the one who has to keep being the bad guy? Why do I keep having to get the shitty burden? Why am I so entangled with this person who has treated me so badly? Why do I keep holding out hope that all this time hasn't been in vain when it so obviously fucking was?
Fucking fuck fuck.
Rant over.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I am the sum of my parts. Some of which are not suitable for minors or the uptight. Please leave now if this is you.
About Me
Places I Go
People I Keep Tabs On
Get Your Kink On
Blog Archive
-
▼
2008
(143)
-
▼
July
(19)
- Management
- Still Waiting
- Calm and Hot
- Foreshadowing
- Hot Sweaty Basements
- Heal Thyself
- Stuff of the Moment
- Not Entirely Productive
- Maybe it's Just a Bad Year
- Ode to a Cookie
- Forgetting Your Plug
- Imbalance and Responsibility
- Party Girl
- Pornalong - Tub edition
- Saving Snails
- Oh, Right, Right
- Power Exchange, Money, and Self Esteem
- Short on Time
- Returning to Normal
-
▼
July
(19)
3 comments:
I feel for you, really I do. Because I, of course, would feel EXACTLY the same...
clair- It's so strange isn't it. But it's consoling to know that you aren't alone... even when you feel like it!
Minor perspective come the morning. While I am no less unsettled, I'm glad I didn't send what I initially wrote. And yes, I probably will respond (even though I shouldn't), but I need to think about it, and compose it more. Maybe I'll wait a week.
-K
Good idea. I usually jump in feet first and live to regret it. But hey, who am I to give advice, as I'm clearly doing absolutely *brilliantly* with my stuff at the moment, hem hem... ;-)
Post a Comment