Stuff on a Saturday

Or maybe I should have called this post 'multitasker'. At the moment I am watching the Hollyoaks omnibus on tv, my mother is snoring on the sofa next to me, I am writing my next article, and I am now also writing this blog. Sometimes I wonder if I have a problem- how I find it so difficult to concentrate on just one thing. I suppose however, as long as I get my things done, it's actually okay.

So back from Hartlepool. I have a couple of cool photos of the low tide and shore which actually came out halfway decent. But really, I wasn't there to enjoy myself, I was there to work, and work was not as much fun as fucking off all day would have been. Work in general really has me down a bit. It's the start of the end I think- that momentum you get when you know that change is coming. It's annoying me more and more, and I feel like not being there more and more. I suppose this will make the inevitable separation easier to deal with when I finally arrive at my ultimate conclusion. Still, the end of the year is a ways off, and it's frustrating being stuck in something that is annoying me so much.

Hopefully this will be somewhat alleviated by next week's excursion to Glastonbury. Oh, I think I am fucking crazy to be going to Glastonbury, but sometimes that's just what you need to be. There are a bunch of artists I'm hoping to catch a bit of, and as long as the weather is even somewhat reasonable, the idea of just doing nothing for a while is greatly appealing. Thank god we have a camper van though. If we didn't have that, there's no way I would be going.

In the social life department, I must say, "What social life?". I think I am in the next stage of my grieving process over Mr.Aloof. Our last exchange was deeply troubling but also relieving in the sense that I was able to say the things that I wondered what would have happened had I had a chance to say them. The answer of course, was not satisfying, but now I don't feel that I have lingering doubts about what my role in any of this debacle has been. Still, I'm not really 'over' it and my latest upset is to sit around mulling over the fact that he's been shtupping the maid for six fucking months. I mean, they've now had a relationship for six fucking months!! That goddamn piece of shit. He had the gall by the way, to tell me in his last exchange that she was pretty much 'nothing' who just 'stumbled into his life' and would 'soon stumble out'. Fucking bullshit. Six months! I don't know why it didn't hit me like this before. I guess the news was too fresh. It's just hard to get my head around. I'm better off without, to be sure, but I just don't like thinking that he's happy and has everything he thinks he wants. That makes me really mad. Oh well. His happiness is pretty hollow actually, being the hollow person he is. So it's not that I really envy him, since actually, I think his situation is pretty poor, but it's that he thinks he's happy. That's what galls me. Or maybe he doesn't actually, given that he still couldn't be honest with me. Someone that fucked up inside can't really be all that content, can they?

I guess I should be thankful for small things- I'm not even close to being that fucked up to know what it's like.

In partially related but really separate news, I recently had a bit of a naughty email exchange with an old friend of mine. This was an interesting turn of events, though one I don't feel like elaborating too much on. Bu it provides the foundation for explaining why I've been contemplating naughty stories of late. Our exchange was perhaps short lived, but I ended up starting a story that I have since continued in my head. I thought about putting it on IC, but decided that would be provocative, since the motivation for my story was a scenario that 'never came to be' between myself and Mr.Aloof. Which wouldn't be so terrible, but it's a scenario that he is fucking using on his IC profile to advertise for 'someone else' to fulfil. I mean, it was my goddamn idea, my goddamn fantasy, and on top of this, his profile advertisement was put up before I split with him. And it makes me angry that he would take my fantasy, my idea, my desire and cheapen it and abuse it by offering it to any other asshole. So I thought about writing this story as a way of reclaiming what I see as rightfully mine.

Unfortunately, if I post the story on IC, it would be too obvious perhaps, and therefor inflammatory, and as much as I would love to have a little cat fight to take out my aggressions, it's not really the point is it? It's not my job to warn the maid that she's going to be hurt badly in her future by these people that she thinks are her friends. It's not my job to let her know that he's done it to me, and many other women as well. And it's not my job to post things that will inevitably lead to him wanting to contact me, even if in anger, because I don't need to be in contact with him, I need to let him go.

But as I said to my friend recently, if your most intense and fantastic and amazing sexual experiences have been with your most recent lover with whom you just split, then how do you structure your fantasies? I hate that my sexual life seems hijacked by memories or desires that I don't really know what to do with. On the plus side, having a distracting conversation with an old friend about all things sexual can shake up your musings and give you some other things to think about. So not all bad. Still, what to do with this story? I've got part one written, part two is in my head, but part three can only be about what I imagined might have been the case between myself and Mr.Aloof. Can I finish the fantasy without dwelling on him? Watch this space. I think I'll post them here. They deserve a wider audience (even if it's only of 10). But part three may be some time in coming. We'll see.

And that's the news from here. I need to finish up my article. My mom leaves tomorrow. Glastonbury on Thursday. Life.... continues.