Time Will Fly

It's 7:30 in the morning right now. I should be at the gym, but I wasn't sure if I should go to the gym because I am also waiting for my mother to arrive. I just checked her flight- it was supposed to get in at 6:10 but actually arrived at 7:05 which means I probably could have gone to the gym no problem, but if she'd arrived on time, I might have had an overlap issue. Oh well, I get to blog instead!

After my good news of last week, I was given a setback on Friday because Mr.Aloof sent me an email again. I suppose this is because I didn't reply to his email on Tuesday. Suffice to say that when I hear from him at this point, I pretty much break down. So my Friday was completely ruined. And also I replied, so that just extended the disruption. I haven't heard anything since, which is good. And I also told him that if he has to contact me (though I didn't see what much was left to say), he could not contact me during work hours.

It's awful of course, because I know that he's upset in his own fucked up way and sad and misses me. But not enough to not be an asshole to me. So when he gets in touch it pulls on that part of me that so wanted for so long for him to be that kind and considerate person. Except he isn't with me. He's never been kind or considerate to me. It's funny, I try to think back on it and there are just so many occasions and instances of his being downright cruel, never kind. And it's not that he doesn't know how to be kind- because I watched him be kind to others around him. It was just me. I don't know what it was about me that scared him so much or made him respond that way, but he was repeatedly hurtful to me over a long period of time.

It's not that it's the latest revelation of the new maid and the cheating and deceit that is really the crux of things. Because I actually ended it with him before I even knew about the maid and the depth of his lies. It was the continual cruelty and disregard that made me end things. It's just that I thought maybe we could still be friends when I did, and when I found out about the maid and everything that surrounded it, I lost all hope for any continued contact of any kind. And I think that's why it was so completely devastating. It was the obliteration of all hope.

So whatever. I wrote him this really long email over the weekend but didn't send it. I find the writing of such things is a good way to purge the feelings- even if it's never sent. And while I'm still deeply hurt and injured by what happened, I think I'm finally seeing some small light at the end of the tunnel. I'll get over this.

And then I can start lamenting about how I'll never find anyone else ever again who is so exciting, but that's a completely other story.

So posting is probably going to be sparse here for the next two weeks. Then when my mom leaves I've got less than a week and I'm off to Glastonbury!! So exciting. Even if it's all one big messy disaster I'm looking forward to it. I think that's the way to approach such a thing. You need to have a really good attitude and expect it to be generally difficult- so that you can laugh the whole way through.

I also need to make some special brownies for the occasion. I've never made such special brownies before, but I have a recipe on good recommendations about how to go about it. This should be fun.