Grief, Anger, and Progress

So a few days ago, I had an obsessive backslide into wanting to check and re-read and re-check everything that I could dig up about all people involved on the computer. I could tell at the time it wasn't healthy or productive. And it certainly wasn't making me feel any better, but I couldn't stop myself from looking and looking.

Luckily that only lasted about 24 hours or so and then it subsided.

However.

In that time period I was feeling really itchy and irritable that I didn't have an outlet. Okay. That's not entirely true. This is my outlet. I was feeling irritated that he was getting on with his life and being happy while I was still unhappy and hurt. And I wanted him to hurt.

So I made this post on IC which was a completely valid, and also true post. But I suppose if I was going to be honest, it had an ulterior motive, which is to say, I knew he would read it. And he did.

But then he sent me a fucking email. It was only three sentences. But it completely broke my shoddy composure and I broke down crying about three fucking sentences. I believe they went something along the lines of:
"What can I say? What do you want to know? Do you want to talk?"

My first response was:
"I think you have done and said enough for this lifetime."

My second response was:
"What can you say? You can acknowledge that you intentionally lied to me and deceived me. You can take responsibility for purposefully hurting me (repeatedly and in multiple ways) and for being both a bad and irresponsible friend, and lover.

What do I want to know? What every injured person always wants to know. I want to know why of course. Why did you do these horrible things to me?

And no. I don't want to talk."

My third response was:
*silence*

And the third response is the one that I actually went with. I wrote the other two down, I just didn't send them. I recognize that his debasing himself to me now, his 'tail between the legs' behavior is really just him trying to make himself feel better. And I have no interest in his feeling better. Of course, I would love an answer to the questions I posed. But then, what difference would it make? Does it change that he lied to me or deceived me or abused me? It doesn't. And it wouldn't absolve him. It's too late.

I feel fortified in this decision when earlier this evening the 'new maid' (as it were) went on a blogging spree on IC and made some snide comment about 'her stalker'. I'm quite sure he told her that he has some 'crazy ex stalker'. I'm also quite sure he neglected to mention that I wasn't his ex when he started seeing her, and that I only found out about her a couple of weeks ago. It disgusts me. The unstoppable font of lies. I guess it's one of those things, once you start, you can never really stop.

I still wish it wasn't the case. I wish that he was or could be the person that I see that he could be. But the person he is, is evil. And pathetic. And the best thing for me is not to speak to him again. Let him wonder what happened to me. What happened with my life. I am not going to give any more clues or details that he can read into. And I hope somewhere it eats at him, his guilt.

In other news. I have a proper doctor's appointment tomorrow. Will deal with the information as it comes. Really just not thinking about it.