Goodbye Home, Hello Home

Well, I'm a bit queasy truth be told as my flight is tonight. I hate flying a million times over. I would do anything to be free of this phobia. In some ways it's better when I leave. Maybe because I'm so distracted wherever I go that I don't have too long to think about the upcoming flight as opposed to when I go places I have many days where it is the target thing on my mind.

The trip has been good overall. Not too many arguments with my mom. Got to see my friends, though not quite as often as I would have liked. Went on a shopping spree as per usual and am coming home with some great new clothes for summer that I'm excited about. As well as some books and cds and dvds. So that's all very exciting. I just need to get through this flight and get myself home which will be a small torture. I hate lugging luggage through the city, but that's the price of an overseas shopping spree. I came with one bag and I'm leaving with two.

And it's an auspicious day. An old friend of mine and his wife are having their second child, perhaps even as I type this, or maybe the babe is here. That's pretty exciting. And the weather is beautiful. The sun is shining and it feels like spring.

So I have to leave all of this behind me now and pick up on my other life. It's always strange to return after some time away. Particularly when that time away includes slipping into my alter ego of daughter and New Yorker and all of those things that define me here that aren't present in England.

And there will be things with Mr.Aloof ongoing. We've emailed a bit since I've been here. I've made myself wait 2-3 days before replying to his emails. Of course, he replied straight away. And in his last email invited me down to Brighton. At first I was unnerved- I knew this would come up and I wasn't sure what to do. But after a couple of days I decided I would reply politely to the rest of his email (as I've been doing) and just ignore the invite as he has ignored any number of my entreaties or invitations for years. This was actually really difficult to do because I don't have the anger inside of me that I had before. I don't have any of the strong emotion that helps carry you through a decision. But I have to keep reminding myself that it just isn't worth it and I don't like how he treats me. It's not worth a night or two of fun, as much as I want to feel that way, the price is too high. So we'll see. It's really not easy and I keep wanting to say 'but...' in my head... except that can't happen. The only way through this is perseverance. And yeah, it sucks.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friends though. They've all been a bit quiet this trip. But it will be cool to see everyone. And I feel motivated to go do some stuff that I've been thinking about, whether that be sign up for some classes or go to a live drawing event or go for a swim at the lido. I'm sure that sort of motivation won't last, but I guess what I mean to say is that I feel refreshed which is what a good vacation should do for you. So that's positive.

Anyway. Next post on London time.