Changes Part Two

What I wrote before, it stuck with me this morning. I think what's bothering me is that I feel bad that I sent this email that could be construed as mean. I mean, here he was, Mr.Aloof, asking if I was okay, knowing something was wrong and in his selfish way just being worried about me.

And I threw shit all over him.

Of course the shit I threw all over him was the truth.

And he's been throwing shit of his own making all over me for years.

And it's the key difference between us I think. It makes me feel awful to consider that I'm being mean. It makes me feel bad about myself to get angry and to say hurtful things, even though those things are completely true. Even though maybe those things needed to be said. I feel like a terrible person for saying them because I know they are hurtful and I know that even if he never lets me know, it will have upset him.

And he thought everything was fine, and was worried about me.

And it makes me feel like a total bitch.

I keep having to say to myself over and over again that he's been so hurtful to me so many times and never given it a second thought. And while I have been angry at him fairly regularly over the time we've known each other, and probably have said hurtful things about every 3 to 4 months, and every single time it has made me feel like a horrible person which doubles my pain. First the pain of being hurt originally and then the self inflicted pain of being what I perceive as a mean person.

And I sit here and feel awful about being put in this position and about feeling like I have no other option than to act this way.

This is something that plagues me. Truly plagues me.

Speaking of which, I haven't heard back from him yet. Every minute I change my mind. Do I want to hear from him or not? Am I afraid of what he might say to me or not?

I think I'm preferring the silence at the moment and sort of hope it lasts for a little while. Though in saying that, I feel like all of how this story has gone so far, it's just not going to go that way.