Crumbling

I'm having a rough day. This is after a weekend where I basically holed myself up in my house. I want to say that I don't feel like I'm coping with things very well, but what things? And what am I not doing well? See, this is the problem. I can feel like I'm falling apart inside, but unlike my usual course of action, my outside is not reflecting that, and I'm in no rush to make things match.

Because I am an only child and have spent inordinate amounts of time alone, I have no problem sitting around letting my mind take off in a million conversations and on a thousand topics. It's perfectly normal for me to have these ongoing and spontaneous conversations. And while I'm still having them at a reasonable rate, I find that I am equally spending time with my mind gliding over my thoughts and refusing to settle. Which I guess I consider 'thinking of nothing'.

It's impossible to know how other people think. What their inner voices are like. So I have no way of knowing if my way of thinking is typical or not. I am resisting saying 'normal' because I don't think there is a 'normal' and 'not normal' to this question. Only shades of different.

So the thing is, usually, my head is a cacophony of thoughts and invented conversations. Scenarios and situations replayed. Words repeated. This happens all the time. To me, this is normal. And in a way, it is this orchestra of thoughts that make me up inside. Because these inner voices are the ones that basically determine my actions. The endless weighing of options and rehashing of moments give me insight into what my choice or next action should be.

But I suppose a way to think about it, is that it is a dense stacking of a million little pieces. So when those pieces start to behave in ways that are contrary to the balance of the whole, the entire thing starts to tremble and shudder. And maybe a chip or a pebble falls off here and there. And the structure that I think my 'self' is built on starts to crumble a little bit.

Fucking hell. Let me sum this up in a slightly more concise manner. In the midst of feeling like crap and having a mentally bad go of things, this happens to be the week I have my period so it's making me particularly batty.

Joy.