How Long

Does it take a selfish person to recognize that something in their world has changed?

Mr.Aloof sent me two emails today. And he's online right now. I should point out, that he's never online. Never ever. And in the rare instance when he is, he usually just pops on and pops off. But he's been online for hours.

Does he notice? Has he recognized that something has changed?

And of course his email, his second email, was personal and interesting and interested in what's going on with me. And all I wanted to do was reply. And have the friend that I wish that he was. But I didn't. I'm waiting. I'll reply maybe at the end of the day tomorrow. Or Wednesday morning.

It's painful. It's not who I am. I'm not this complicated. I'm not a game player. But it isn't really about playing a game. It's about changing a relationship. It's not that I'm doing this now in the hopes that he will 'improve' and we can 'get back to things'. I mean sure, part of me wants that, part of me has always wanted that. But it's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to change what we have without having the big ugly implosion that we would otherwise have had.

Still, I haven't said what I'm doing. I have just made the decision that this is how it's going to be. And I wonder if he's noticing. I wonder if he wonders where I am, and why I haven't been as responsive. And in all the time I've been writing this he's still online. Hours. Is he hoping perhaps? Or perhaps I'm reading it wrong. And really I guess it doesn't matter.

Although it does matter if he decides to ask me about it. I need to think about what I'm going to say without being inciteful. I need to stay calm. And I need to stay in control. Until it feels natural and it doesn't hurt like this. I wonder how long that will be?