Changes

Was the title of an email I sent to Mr.Aloof today. In response to his inquiring this morning by text about what was wrong. That was unpleasant. Because I didn't hold anything back. And he was only asking because he could tell something had changed and was different. And of course he didn't think it had to do with him, he just expressed concern for me.

Guess that was a surprise.

I wonder if I'll hear from him again.

God this sucks.

I suppose it's good that every single person I talk to, every single friend I have is reinforcing that this is the right decision. Not one solitary person has suggested that I shouldn't break free of this. I guess part of me listlessly wishes someone would. Just to stop me from feeling so horrible about it.

It's really just sad. I wrote in my email today that I needed to withdraw and to limit the amount of exciting and engaging moments that we shared, because if we have too many then I trick myself into believing in him, and trusting that he will follow through with the things he says. Then it dawned on me that this is his entire life. That he is so afraid of getting hurt, that he learned this lesson somewhere in life, that he can't let anything get too close to him. He can't care about anything because if he did it could hurt him. When did that happen? And how?

It's so.... sad. And depressing. I hate being this way so much with him. I can't imagine a life where one acted like this with everyone. And yet the more I think about it, the more I believe that's exactly what he does.

Fuck.

I hate him for being so... almost what I want. I despise that anyone could fit me so well and inspire me and then be so goddamn flawed. And in the same breath that I hate him, I forgive him. Because I see the potential. And I weep for it.

Literally.

Too many tears shed for this. Which only reinforces that this is the only way. I'm sad for what I lost and for what I never had. But it will get better and pass eventually.