A Missing Puzzle Piece

On Thursday I have plans to travel south for the night.

On the one hand it is all very complicated, and on the other hand it is not. It's just that it's all a bit of uncharted waters for me. And it's not something any of my friends have traversed either. I'm forging a new path without aide, and that can be tricky.

I am going to see Mr.Aloof.

It's not the same as it once was. In fact it's all very very different. For starters, there is a new character to add to the story. Her name is toy. And she is Mr.Aloof's partner.

And so what does that make me? For starters, and to clarify any confusion before it begins, I have met toy, under the most intimate of circumstances. And there aren't any secrets here. And I have discussed the situation, and the potential situation with Mr.Aloof, and there aren't any secrets there either. They are the primary relationship, and I have no wish to disturb that.

And yet I am being invited. By them both. And it is up to me if I choose to accept that invitation or not. For how long I choose to accept that invitation or not.

And so who do I know who can offer me advice in this uncharted place? My friends have expressed cautious concern. Everyone knows how much Mr.Aloof has hurt me in the past. And my friends have voiced quiet concern for my future. What does this path hold for me? If I am not the primary, then what is my security?

And yet I do not feel as though I can turn my back on what is being offered. In some ways my past experiences with Mr.Aloof have prepared me for this time. My heart is walled against him. Am I lying to myself? I search internally for the smallest blossom of love, and I only find dried earth. Or maybe scorched earth. I care for him, of course I do. But I am not enthralled with him anymore.

This does not mean however, he does not know how to make me sing.

This is what I have learned in this time, in meeting toy. In seeing him with her. It is that we are too much alike, in some ways. Is it strange to see your once-partner with another? Intimately with another? I know that it should be strange, I know that society expects it to be strange. And yet, it's not, except when I think about how other people think it should be. But I have learned heaps about him and me from watching him and her. And I can see why it didn't work. But neither he nor I can deny that there is still something there. And that somehow the shift in circumstance, the presence of toy, it allows us to enjoy what we can of each other, without the expectations that the other can't meet.

Though it's a bit of a trap is it not? He has toy... and I have..... no one else. And how is that to happen? I have a secondary partner but I'm seeking my primary? How many people do you know who would be open to that situation? It's true. My future is uncertain. I don't have the security. I don't have the promises.

But I guess this goes back to something I touched on before. Maybe I'm okay with that. It has always been so very important for me to be self sufficient. Having never shared my life with anyone, it's becoming harder and harder for me to imagine doing it. Or maybe I've just not met the right person. Maybe when you do, it all seems much easier, less of a sacrifice. But how should I live my life in the meantime- like a nun? Should I not take advantage of the pleasures and joy that life offers?

Or will it all come at a dear price whose limit I cannot yet see?

Wagers anyone? Well for that matter, I'll also take wagers on whether or not Mr.Aloof will cancel Thursday plans, on some level I'm already expecting as much. Some things may change, but it seems some things will forever be the same.