To Thine Own Self

It's just been a lazy weekend, and I'm not at all complaining about it. There seems to have been much stirring of late, in social circles. Alot of it has been mildly annoying. New people and newly returned people and all the hens seem to be out and pecking about for their order. I think I'd rather be a duck. Anyway, feeling slightly withdrawn from the usual gang, has given me time to think. Not about anything new really. Just analyzing my current geography and seeing how it lays.

I have always frustrated my closest friends by freely admitting that I am a frustrating friend to have from time to time. This is of course partnered with being a fantastic friend from time to time, but hey, no one is good all the time. I think the root of the frustration I tend to cause is because I do not try to lie about myself or my motives. I'm usually upfront about both the good and the bad. Which can defeat many an argument. Because I can be extremely rational about irrational behavior. Or, to put it another way, I see no point in lying about things I may find distasteful about myself.

There is certainly a school of thought which says, if you wake up every morning, face yourself in the mirror and say "I am beautiful and I love myself.", that sooner or later you will actually believe it. I don't belong to that particular school of thought really. I think it serves to create a mental schism where you learn to hate yourself even more, by burying your 'evil' thoughts so deep down that they become something to be ashamed of and kept hidden. I do not like the way that I look. I do not think I am attractive. On the other hand, I allow that this opinion is my own opinion of how I see myself, and not at all necessarily representative of anyone else's opinion. In this way, I circumvent the dilemma or argument as to whether or not I am actually attractive or not because I have allowed that it is a matter of opinion. No one can argue with you about how you feel about something. How you feel is simply that, rational or not.

One thing about me, that has stayed with me since I was a teenager is that I have no patience for lies. I truly dislike when people lie to me and I have no comprehension of when people lie to themselves. I mean, I really don't. Isn't life hard enough without obscuring it with dishonesty? It's not like anyone ever seems to benefit from their lies either. They just seem to be more alone and more self-hating than they would be otherwise. How is that actually an improvement?

I was talking about this with a friend of mine who said that it's really a damning moment when you feel you must lie to your friends. Because once you start, you are trapped by your own pride and shame. The thing is, no one is perfect. And no one expects anyone else to be perfect. We are all flawed. So by admitting our flaws, we can equally take real pride and ownership of our achievements. And we can honestly try to work on the flaws rather than trying to pretend they don't exist and letting them damage us by being kept secret. But I suppose that's a bit like counseling isn't it? You can't find any help until you admit that you have a problem. You can't get better until you admit that something is wrong.

And I guess the first step in that sequence is that you must be honest. Not only with yourself, but with others as well. It's something I strive for, and it's something I admire in others. The truth isn't always pretty, but then, neither is life most of the time.