City light painted girl
In the day nothing matters
It's the night time that flatters
In the night, no control
Through the wall something's breaking
Wearing white as you're walkin'
Down the street of my soul
Oh my. It's really just the evening when I apparently lose my mind and start having really bad thoughts. In the morning, during most of the day, I'm not really thinking I need a final night with Mr.Aloof. What I'm thinking is, it's over, and I need to recoup and move on. Like right now, I'm okay with not having a final night.
You take my self, you take my self control
You got me livin' only for the night
Before the morning comes, the story's told
You take my self, you take my self control
It's part of the cyclical flip-flopping that I'm honestly getting quite annoyed with. There is no future with Mr.Aloof. And yes, the sex was good. The play was fine. But I can find good sex and good play with someone else, can't I? Someone who actually cares about me. Someone who might actually want to be with me. It's ridiculous to pine for someone who doesn't fulfill my needs. Only one particular need. And even though done well, it just isn't enough.
Another night, another day goes by
I never stop myself to wonder why
You help me to forget to play my role
You take my self, you take my self control
It's so fucking complicated isn't it? I wish I had more experience with such things. I wish I'd dated more when I was younger. I wish I'd been more confident, and less self-hateful. I wonder if I'm ever really going to find anyone. I wonder if I'm ever going to have sex again, with someone I like or care about. I've at least gotten to the point where I know I can have sex if that's all I want. But it's not all I want, I want more.
I, I live among the creatures of the night
I haven't got the will to try and fight
Against a new tomorrow, so I guess I'll just believe it
That tomorrow never comes
I wonder if it's so unusual to be so honest about my conflicting emotions. At any rate, it's interesting to see how my friends are handling their situations differently. In a way, I wish they reacted more like me. Then maybe I'd feel more normal and not so freakish in all this. Sometimes, like right now, I think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. What did it matter about me and Mr.Aloof. He wasn't the one, I was dumb, move on. So why all this energy into it? It makes me feel worse that I can't somehow be instantly better.
A safe night, I'm living in the forest of my dream
I know the night is not as it would seem
I must believe in something, so I'll make myself believe it
That this night will never go
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